After my H found out about my 1 time contact and phone conversations with the other guy....he drew up papers. If he decides our marriage is not gonna work he gets our 4 rentals, the bobcat, van, new truck, harley, all rights to his business and no maintenance on me and we split the profit off of the 3/4 acre commercial property we are selling

I get the house with a mortage I can't afford, my older vehicle and my two horses.

I don't even care.....I regret with my entire being any word I spoke with the other guy....it makes me sick to my stomach.

I just want a life with my husband....

Please keep us in your prayers.

You will probably get more consistent responses if you can keep your posts to one main thread.

You can change the subject line for your thread by editing the title of your first post in that thread. That way you can call out certain topics that you want to talk about, but still keep to one thread.

It's hard to keep up or know what to tell you or what others have told you when you have too many threads.

Iamforgiven:

Who has forgiven you? Your H certainly hasn't.

Looks like he wants you gone. What are you going to do to stop it? Can you change his mind?

Go see a lawyer for yourself. Stop signing away rights that you shouldn't be.

Ok...Im new to this.....thanks for the info

God has forgiven me

I got some "bad" friends out of my life

Quit going to the gym that the other guy goes to

Don't go out to eat...in our town...in case the OM is there...

Tell H where I go and if I change my plans

Cook and clean more

Going to counseling

Listen to how he feels

Talked to you all, Dr. Harely...

getting Dr. Harley's books

Basically do whatever he wants....

Make business transactions for him

Contribute more money to the household

Have my phone conversations in front of him

He has my phone records....

What else would u want your spouse to do?

{Oh...I do these things with a good attitude} Im fortunate he's giving me another chance.

I really hope things work out for this couple...but that being said... I think if a BS wishes to end a relationship due to infidleity.. that a WS should walk away with nothing. I don't have a problem with your signing this post nuptual type agreement. If it helps him trust in you more, then it will be worth it. If it results in your losing things... consider it a consequence of your A.
Now, the important thing is for you to find ways to help save your M. Again, I would strongly suggest a call to the Harley's. I wish you peace and luck.

IAF:

Good. Now your H has to start coming around.

I have to disagree with mkeverydaycount. Some WS want to redeem and make the effort. IAF appears to be heading that way. Some WS need to be tarred and feathered. Depends on the circumstances. Depends on the WS.

Why hasn't your H changed his attitude?

What was wrong before the A?

What are his EN's?

What are you doing to meet them?

Has he made any effort to ever address your EN's?

And then we can start to make real progress.

IF the BS just wants to climb on a pedestal and say that you can never join them, make plans to go. Because then it is over.

Lots of stories on this website of unrepentant WS's who make really no effort to change the situation that they have and make no real effort to change themselves, even after the A is over. You do not appear to be that type.

You can get there. Your H might have to come along kicking and screaming, but lots of help here to get over his reluctance.

I agree with MEDC..

I believe that when you violate the marriage you forfeit all right to any and all assets including custody.

In short..you risk walking away with nothing.

I also agree that it is an OUTSTANDING gesture of goodwill and that ...yes..it does leave you very vulnerable to his decision.

Personally I respect that gesture and would honor it.

If your H does not I do think it is a consequence of your A.

These are REAL crimes and they have REAL and LASTING consequences.

I have always felt that self protection in the aftermath of an affair is nauseating.

I agree that infidelity is indeed a serious crime and should be subject to severe consequences for violation. But I also believe that it should be reciprocal. I believe that any agreement should equally apply to both spouses and that both spouses should sign such an agreement as equal responsible parties. This is the agreement that Mrs. G and I entered into nearly two years ago:








Execution Copy

LETTER OF AGREEMENT

THIS LETTER OF AGREEMENT is made effective this 13th day of December, 2004, by and between XXXXXX, an individual residing at XXXXXX (“Husband”) and XXXXX, an individual residing at XXXXXX ("Wife") jointly referred to as “Husband and Wife”.

RECITALS:

WHEREAS, both Husband and Wife acknowledge that their marital relationship is one where each of them have made a commitment of exclusivity with each other and both are desirous to have it remain that way.

WHEREAS, both Husband and Wife are desirous to deter each other from engaging in such acts of “infidelity”.

NOW, THEREFORE, to foster the continuance of the marriage between Husband and Wife the parties hereto agree as follows:

1. Infidelity. Husband and Wife shall not engage in any act, whatsoever, of infidelity during the period of time that this Agreement is in force.

2. Representations and Warranties. Husband and Wife represent and warrants to:

(a) Neither are currently bound by any other Agreement, restriction or obligation that would interfere with this Agreement; and,

(b) Husband and Wife will not during the term of the Agreement enter into nor otherwise assume any such Agreement, restriction or obligation, which is adverse to, or which in any way interferes, or is inconsistent, with this Agreement.

3. Definition of Infidelity. The word “infidelity” as used in this Agreement shall be construed to mean any of the following:

(a) Any relationship of a sexual, romantic, or emotional nature, involving either the Husband or Wife and any other individual of the opposite sex that is conducted without prior knowledge or approval of the other spouse (Husband or Wife as the case may be),

(b) Any relationship involving either the Husband or Wife and any other individual of the opposite sex that that contradicts or is in competition with the commitment to an exclusive marital relationship between Husband and Wife,

(c) With respect to Wife only, the definition shall additionally include any contact whatsoever, including but not limited to, telephone, letter, email, internet chat, in-person, through third party, for any reason, with any individual or individuals whom Wife had a previous relationship of a clandestine sexual, romantic, or emotional nature or with any individuals whose initial contact, prior to this contact, originated through any internet based technologies.

The spouse that commits the act or attempts to commit the act of infidelity shall hereinafter be referred to as the “Offending Spouse” and the remaining spouse shall hereinafter be referred to as the “Betrayed Spouse”.

4. Covenant Not To Engage in Infidelity. Husband and Wife covenants and agrees that during the term of this Agreement and for a six (6) month period following the termination or expiration of this Agreement:

(a) Husband and Wife shall not, except with the other’s prior written approval, engage or attempt to engage in any act of infidelity,

(b) Husband and Wife has carefully considered the nature of the restrictions contained in this Section 4 and hereby acknowledges that the same are reasonable behavior for a married couple, are designed to eliminate or limit the potential for acts of infidelity which otherwise would be unfair to the Betrayed Spouse, and do not in any way stifle the inherent quality of life of either.

5. Termination. This Agreement shall be terminable by the Husband or Wife:

(a) Upon the other’s death;

(b) By mutual written Agreement;

(c) Upon consummation of a legal divorce.

6. Remedies. Husband and Wife expressly agrees and understands that any remedy at law for a breach of Section 4of this Agreement may be inadequate and that the damages flowing from any such breach are of such a grievous nature that they are not readily susceptible to being measured in monetary terms. Therefore, upon any violation of such provisions, the Betrayed Spouse shall be entitled, at his or her sole discretion, to immediate injunctive relief, including, without limitation to the following to which the Offending Spouse shall agree:

(a) To an uncontested divorce in which the Offending Spouse will neither contest or dispute as to the division of property, debts, or the conservatorship and support of any children of the marriage as proposed in the divorce documents prepared by the Betrayed Spouse or his or her representatives,

(b) Repayment by the Offending Spouse to the Betrayed Spouse of any and all monetary expenditures made by the Offending Spouse or any change caused by the Offending Spouse to the Husband and Wife net estate value, following the date that the breach of Section 4 occurred,

(c) Additional relief such that this provision shall not be construed as limiting any remedies at law or in equity available to the Betrayed Spouse and this Section 6 shall be in addition to and not in limitation thereof.

7. Miscellaneous.

(a) If any provision of this Agreement should be determined by any court of competent jurisdiction to be illegal or unenforceable, in whole or in part, such provision shall be deemed to be severed, but only to the extent required to render the remaining provisions and portions of this Agreement enforceable.

(b) The failure by the Betrayed Spouse or Offending Spouse to object to or enforce any breach of or noncompliance with any provision(s) of this Agreement shall not operate or be construed as a waiver of any such provision(s) as to any future violations.

(c) This Agreement constitutes the entire Agreement between the parties relative to the subject matter herein. All rights and obligations under Sections 4, 5 and 6 of this Agreement shall survive the expiration or termination of this Agreement.

(d) This Agreement shall not be amended except in a writing signed by the parties.

(e) This Agreement may be executed in multiple counterparts, each of which shall be deemed an original, but all of which taken together shall constitute one and the same Agreement. A facsimile signature shall be deemed to be an original signature.

(f) Husband and Wife acknowledges by their signature below that they have carefully read all the terms and conditions of this Agreement, understands them and the restrictions imposed upon them, and that they have voluntarily consented to the terms hereof.


[SIGNATURE PAGE TO FOLLOW]


IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties hereto have executed and delivered this Agreement as of the day and year first above written.

Husband,



_____________________________
XXXXXXX


Wife,



____________________________________
XXXXXXX

He has admitted to living seperate lives...and not putting much into our marriage especially the last few years, spending too much time in the bar....and being short with me.

What was wrong before...huge lack of communication, he is a dictator!, Our time spent together was sex in the middle of the night when it was conveinent for him....
The way he talks to me..abrupt and rude {mainly reflecting his stress at work}
Both of us not feeling appreciated
Both of us going full-throttle and not taking time for each other
Lack of team work
We don't even know what are emotional needs are, let along pleasing each other

His attitude is like a roller-coaster right now {rightfully so}....guess I just have to deal with it...and ride it out so-to speak. It hasn't even been 3 weeks since he found out...so I think we've come along way.

I have faith that our marriage will be better than ever, because it's my utmost desire and he's still here

My emotional needs? No he never has met them {I'm just stating a fact...he'd probably agree...looking back on our life}
When I did my bodybuilding competition...he was not supportive of my hard work, dedication or commitment. Felt like I spent so many years putting my "dreams" on the back burner...I accomplished a huge goal with out any encouraging words from any family member
He did attend and yell my name while I was on stage...so that was "his way" I guess.

OH....Actually a good mutal friend of ours feels like my H has always felt MORE ENTITLED to our assets anyway..because HE has worked so hard....and this was just the *push* he needed to get all he wanted anyway......
I don't even care about the material *stuff*, you can't take it with you........
Seems as though we are working more together as a team and caring more for one another.

I am a little confused as to the purpose of some of your posts.
You come here and bash him a lot. Why?
Focus on fixing what you broke right now. That is the fire at this point.

OTOH, it's difficult to put out a fire when your S keeps tossing in fuel...

IAF:

Mr Goodstuff can give you excellent advice. But ignore his Marital fidelity contract. You have already broke the marital vows contract, so signing another, especially at this time may be pointless. It may have been a great help with Mr. and Mrs Goodstuff. In your case, I see it as another thing for your H to flog you with.

Review the EN's listing on this website. Buy HNHN and read it. Understand what it says.

A BS who decided to ignore you early on and during your M has to account for those actions. A WS should not have choose an A, but thems the facts.

You do not want to go back to the M that you used to have. You want to go back to a M that is fulfilling to both of you. Your BS may not want to come along. That's his choice.

Your H may feel that he never did anything wrong. That's his choice. And may mean the ultimate demise of your M.

You had an A. That was wrong. You hurt your H. That was wrong. But you are in this together. You both need to change to make your M successful. You are here. And appear to be trying to learn and improve.

Remember that.

It disappoints many here when I "Blame the BS" for marital problems. I don't. I blame both partners, and critize the WS for thier choices. I do not accept FOG-Bound speech. But if I returned to M after the A and treated my BS the same way, I would have ended up divorced. And if she treated me the same way, we would have ended up divorced. Two made the M, and Two can fix it.

Now I would like to review what you said:

My emotional needs? No he never has met them {I'm just stating a fact...he'd probably agree...looking back on our life}
When I did my bodybuilding competition...he was not supportive of my hard work, dedication or commitment. Felt like I spent so many years putting my "dreams" on the back burner...I accomplished a huge goal with out any encouraging words from any family member

Your dreams on the back burner? These were dreams you had before becoming a bodybuilder? Or you dream os becoming a bodybuilder? Seems like he gave you the space to become the bodybuilder you wanted to be.

He did attend and yell my name while I was on stage...so that was "his way" I guess.

Sounds like support here. As well as the other indirect support for years to get there.

OH....Actually a good mutal friend of ours feels like my H has always felt MORE ENTITLED to our assets anyway..because HE has worked so hard....and this was just the *push* he needed to get all he wanted anyway......
I don't even care about the material *stuff*, you can't take it with you........
Seems as though we are working more together as a team and caring more for one another.

This last sentence is the only one that matters. If you get divorced, the assets go where they go. But if your M survives and gets better, it doesn't matter.

Please don't respond to any of my posts any more....you take me out of context all the time
I'm NOT bashing him....I'm stating facts of OUR HISTORY together and have taken MAJORITY of the BLAME ON MYSELF...
RE-READ on how I've and a CHANCE and am MAKING the MOST OF IT

No problem with ignoring you in the future. Good luck... from the sounds of it, you are going to need all you can get.

Thank you so much for taking the time to post your contract. If someone were to have predicted the future and said I would be the one to do this to my husband...I would not have believed it in a million years. Him maybe.... but not me.
Maybe when sometime goes by and he learns to trust me again...he would appreciate this....or re-commiting our marriage vows.....but I'm sure it's gonna' be a long time
I just hate it when people here keep throwing it up in my face {my ACTIONS} that is
I HATE that I LET MY MORALS and Standards go...
I HATE THAT I did this

I TRULY feel MY CASE is *different* and *rare* .....{I will try to explain another time} I'm not in a fog nor have been in one.....I put myself in a terrible position with someone who didn't even care about me.....THE OTHER guy knew how uncomfortable I was....yet I didn't leave.....I don't understand myself. I didn't seek him out again....and when we parted ways I told him...."WHAT AM I DOING HERE? I LOVE MY HUSBAND"
We never talked of meeting again.....

BUT this NOT RARE IN THE FACT OF HOW MUCH I CAUSED MY HUSBAND PAIN AND MYSELF AS WELL

This is crazy...I come here for help and I get sarcasim.....where to you get off talking to people that way....?? Unless I am mistaken and there is no rudeness in your posts.....

You ask me to ignore you... then you ask a question. Make up your mind. I have been nothing but nice to you (even when you emailed me) and really don't need any [email]cr@p[/email] from you. If you don't want my perspective or advice... fine... I have better things to do. I had not displayed one ounce of venom your way. If you want everyone to just respond the same way... how about giving a script to follow.
Now, I will go back to ignoring you.

BTW... have you been on these boards in the past under another name? Just curious as your demeanor reminds me of a few people that left abruptly in August.

No this is my first time....only name...I barely know how to post on this *thing.

I'm sorry.....it's been the hardest thing for us.....please forgive me.....

I'm having a bad day....I shouldn't have been posting...

I apologize....I guess I was so disappointed because you seemed to have missed my sincerity and unbearable remorse and regret.

This is our story...and I'm sorry that it is....it feels sureal....like it's not happening to me/ to us but it is.

All day I fight back the tears....I'm taking medicine for depression...and it makes me feel weak that I had to resort to it....

My emotions are on the outside of my skin....I'm sorry....

forgiven and forgotten. Take a deep breath and find something to make you smile... even if it is just for a few hours.

Thank you mkeverydaycnt...means alot to me.....
Think I'll go see my horses while he hunts

You can always count on your animals to make you feel love. I know I love my dogs very much. Reading your posts I have to ask the question of why do you love your husband at all? He seems very cruel and has not taken any interest in your marriage whatsoever. He sounds quite manipulative. I know that this a marriage board but what do you really get out of this marriagef? It sounds to me like you have settled for a man that makes your life miserable. Surely you deserve better than this. Am I wrong? I hope you are feeling better.

Yes...I hear what you are saying and have felt it as well. Thank you for taking the time to read my posts. I look back on how quickly the years have gone by and how much better they could have been.
My life is fairly basic, work full time, two dogs, two horses, two teens. Our son just joine the Army and our daughter is a Senior this year. Other than ride horses, I love to lift weights....
Guess I'd really like him to share some of my interests with me sometimes. I bike with the dogs every other day when the weather is good. I'd love for him to join me. Is that too much to ask? Does it sound stupid? I used to snowmobile and ride the Harley with him. But both of us going on trips wasn't good...because somebody needed to be here with the kids. {i don't have alot of family here in the positive to have stayed with them.}
Hopefully, we can get thru this....
Oh...I didn't know if you read about the bodybuilding comp? I had been lifting for awhile and basically inspired him to lift. I trained seriously from a November to March and then stepped on stage. I've put fitness on hold....as there is only so much I can do ....right now....gotta' concetrate on the marriage. He's actually at a bar right now...he's been there for 3 hours. I don't expect him to be with me all the time.......we really need better communication for starters.
I put up the Christmas tree today.....

Well, today is the 17th....my H was at the bar again last night. Didn't let me know he was going, doesn't feel he needs to, feels it's his right. {he has stated this}

He didn't bring up anything bad...but his affection towards me has come to a HALT.

Seems like we couldn't get enough of each other thru this....and now.....I feel he's pulling away...a little. Try not to second-guess myself....HAVE TO REMAIN POSITIVE... and he will see*, feel* and know* my desire is real.

I still don't think there is going to be much progress until he wants to help make the marriage work. It doesn't look like he is helping much right now.

It's hard to love someone who thinks they have the right to do whatever they want in marriage. When you marry, you give up that right for the good of the union. Or you should anyway.

Have you read Dr Harleys's book "Love busters, Habits that destroy romantic love"?

It discusses independent behavior, and how it affects the marriage. I highly recommend reading it, it was one of the things that helped my W and I to have a much better marriage.

SS

Thanks Still Seeking....it's hopefully in the Mail. I ordered CD's of another book...can't remember right now which one...maybe it's HNHN.

...I'm also waiting for a letter from our son in Bootcamp.

Thought I'd get one before we leave on our trip....

Our 2nd son lived in Guatemala for a couple of years, and he didn't write nearly often enough.

When do you actually leave?

Are you ready for spending that kind of time with him?

Do chickens really eat bugs?

Sorry, I'm just full of questions today. I'll shut up now.

SS

Yes, if Chickens eat bugs.....what are chicken breasts made of??

What was your son doing in Guatemala? Service?

We leave Monday...come back next Tuesday....yikes. I think I'll be finding the internet and touching base with you all for advice.

Not packed yet.....we are supposed to go tan together, it's 7:05 and he hasn't called me yet....

You know spending THAT MUCH time with him is just out of OUR....routine. That's the BIG part that makes me nervous. We've been to this place in Mexico many times, and many times I've done alot of things by myself. But I thinking and hoping this time will be different. Even to bringing a book to read out-loud to him. We are planning on going to the gym together, and renting some bikes, having a few drinks, lay out on the beach. He even said, "We should try to stay up late....and go to a club dancing".....I about fell over when he said that, since I'm 6 1/2 years older than him and I'm the one who likes to dance. {So I know that's a little/big step for him.}