A question for FWW's out there; I'd like some insight into how best to respond to this issue.

My wife and I have done a few things together "with the kids", since she moved out. But when I've asked now and again for dinner together with just us, she has declined with, "that's a big step", and "I dont want to give you false hope".

Isn't "I dont want to give you false hope" saying the same thing as, "I've already decided that I dont want to ever be more than 'just friends' with you" ?
If not, what does it mean?

She kindasorta has said she is willing to see how things go between us... yet she puts up these barriers like this, which to me, seem to contradict that she's really willing.

Suggestions on how I can coax her to bring down the barriers?

It means she is withdrawn right now.

I said the SAME thing to my WS when he wanted more than I was willing to committ to.


In a way I think she IS reinforcing that withdrawl...I know I certainly was.

In my case it was because what he was doing to gain my interest in recovery was working...and that wasn't the direction I was going at the time...so I resisted.

I think it usually demonstrates conflict...or duplicity.

Maybe both.

techie, my W is withrdawn too and has erected barriers between us. Last night I whispered to her "I love you" and she said it back but she would not let me hug her. I'm back into super-H mode but her wall does not seem to be cracking at all. Each day I ask her how she's feeling and if there is anything I could do to help and she says "fine", "no nothing", etc...

This came on all of a sudden about 2 weeks ago. I'm baffled.

I think it means she is unsure of herself.

Keep doing what you are doing...I pray she comes around for you.

im in the same boat right now with my wife. When I was home for a couple weeks(im in the military and on a remote to Turkey), I could hug her and get a peck on the lips before we would go to bed. But I would sleep in a different bed. So, when I talked to her this past week, she said she cant say SHE LOVES ME right now...so, right now she is putting a wall up, but hopefully later she can say it loud and say it proud. I am just letting time work for us and praying every night. Hopefully she will come around and that our counseling will help as well....GOOD LUCK AND STAY IN TOUCH HERE

My WH just told me that a couple of weeks ago, and this week admitted he still cares and wants to maybe try to recover M but is afraid (he is thinking about it). I agree with everyone else that has posted. Maybe a little fear of hurting you again, of admitting their own feelings, of having to deal with reality. Maybe it is a self defense mechanism, if they let their guard down, they might just fall in love again! They are confused!!!

Being a guy, I am no expert but here goes.

Your WW as a female has a harder time convincing herself that she is screwing someone that she does not love. Ergo the OM is someone she loves(not). It also means that she can not then be in love with the person she is married to.

Zero sum game.

You guys know don't you that the less you initiate R talks while in Plan A the better.

With prayers,

Cym, well summed up as usual.

You need to do the 180. Follow it and don't say you love her or show her affection.

The 180 is your answer.

Good luck.