Well, all, I've been reading on the "other" board. The whole time that I was going though this stuff, I couldn't bear to to look there. Now that I'm recovered, it didn't bother me at all.

The main thing that I didn't realize is how unhappy most of the posters are. That was not what I expected. The other thing is that they KNOW that only 3% of married men leave their wives. That shocked me.

Well, I hope that I am ALWAYS bothered by injustice. That is a sign of decency, rather than a deficit in recovery.

Well, maybe I just hit on a down period. It was just sad to me. I can't imagine posting to a board where everyone's story ends so poorly.

Agree it is very sad, believer. Particularly for their unwitting victims.

Yes, they brought it on themselves, and they had a choice.

Only 3% of men leave their wives?

*waves blue and red '3%' flag gloomily*

Why was I so lucky? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

*sigh*

Alph.

so how filled with happiness and joy are the OW with the 3% men? ( because my H and MANY of the H here seem to be those men)

3% seems like a real underestimate from what i've read here

I guess the most desperate people find their way here - those who have been abandoned by their spouses are possibly more desperate than those whose spouses stray but stay.

So maybe that's why the percentage is higher on this board. I'd never posted on any kind of board before my husband left me, but needed to speak with others who had experienced the same. I wouldn't have looked for the same help if my ex hadn't left.

Alph.

I dunno if it is 3 percent who leave their
wives - I actually think it is 3 percent of
affairs that end up with the affairees having
a long term relationship.

Larry

Believer, you know there is NO logic, rhyme or reason in the mental thought pattern of an OP or WS. So to say they are 'unhappy', that's an observation but in the minds of the OPs and WS, they are happy. That state of stupidity has them giddy, crazy and stupid.

As for them posting knowing the odds are against, them..... that is what makes it a challenge to defy. The opportunity to defy the odds. After all what is more odd and an OP and WS? Not much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

The 3% figure is actually those that leave their wives and get married to the OP, and 75% of those end up divorced.

But seems like on that board, when the husband leaves the wife, the OW counts herself in the 3% club. But there are numerous husbands who then move back with their wives.

"As for them posting knowing the odds are against, them..... that is what makes it a challenge to defy. The opportunity to defy the odds. After all what is more odd and an OP and WS? Not much."

Orchid - I think the odds are much better in Las Vegas. And at least you end up with a little bit of money.

Beliver,

On TOW, are the '3 percenters' considered 'the winners'? Are they the ones who are considered to have reached 'Nirvana' in the affair world?

I guess that their 'success' begins on day one when the WS moves in with them. They don't consider that real success comes with years of effort. But then, affairees have a very short-sighted outlook.

Alph.

So true Alph. Normal people would look at that as the start of things, not "nirvana".

I really thought my ex's affair would make it. The two of them really had no distractions - kids visiting, etc. But even they couldn't make it.

Somewhere I have an article about how an affair needs a marriage - to survive.

Believer, if you could find that article, I would be very interested to read it.

Since day one of their moving in together, my ex and the OW have 'acted' married - never seen without each other, OW acting like she is my children's mother, insisting the kids refer to her as 'stepmother', not 'Dad's girlfriend'; pretending I never existed etc, but time will tell whether they actually take the plunge.

I have always assumed they would marry. I am ready to hear the announcement if/when it happens. We have been divorced since July so it could happen any time but our finances have yet to be divided.

Perhaps that is what they are waiting for?

Alph.

I have it on my computer at work. I'll look for it Monday, if no one else here has it.

They may be waiting for the division of the finances, who knows? But chances are very good that they won't get married. But if they do, they will most likely get divorced.

Try to hang on to as much of the money as you can.

How do you figure? There is nothing here that would contradict that statistic because this is not a controlled group on this forum. Nor do we even keep statistics, for that matter.

My ex-H and OW belong to the 3% club, they are now married.

And they are so happy they need to be in marriage counseling after 1+ years of marriage, or so the grapevine tells me.

I'm sorry EAV, but I certainly don't consider that success. Most NEWLYWEDS shouldn't find themselves requiring MARITAL counseling in the infancy of their union.

Just because they MAY end up together does not indicate success or happiness within a relationship.

You'd also be surprised at the # of those 3% club that are too afraid to come here b/c their shoes have been reversed. I just have to laugh at the OW on "that" board that are all happy when they get to the 3% club but then cry the blues when they have suspicions that he's doing it to them.

Some of the mindset of those people is just so laughable I can't stand it b/c I know that they'll never get it.

ST is right, how happy can a person be while married to a person who does not EVEN BELIEVE in fidelity and faithfulness!? HELLO! These are people who believe ADULTERY is AOK. What a horrible way to live!

What is the saying the Brits have about this? Marrying your mistress only leaves an open vacancy? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Only as long as its not within THEIR relationship. Then THAT would be different and unacceptable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I find it hilarious when things go sour between an OW & the MM. Just one night this week, my sister ran into an active OW at karaoke. She started complaining about her MM not calling her anymore. That perhaps he's working things out w/his W. HOw much this upset her b/c he just left her hanging. Boo hoo! Boo hoo! My sister said, "What did you expect? You knew what you were getting yourself into from the get go. Get over it." and walked away. Left her w/her mouth hanging open that no one was "supportive". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

My xh and the wistress are in that 3 darned percent.

Happiness?

Bah humbug...hmmm..let's see...2 weeks ago right before Xmas I find out he has left the wistress (her own mouth asking the whereabouts of my xh as if I'd know..had no clue incidentally)for 3 days because of a drunken brawl in downtown atl where he got his cajones handed to him in the form of an [censored] whooping by a former nfl football player (served him right and bout time)...and the wistress took up for the football player...hmmm...funny huh?

They've separated several times. They sleep as of last week according to my son who said daddy sleeps in the guest suite and FV (her nickname) in her room.

Wow...and they just celebrated their third wedded anniversary of unholy bliss?

The three percent AINT WHAT IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE.

My theory? They go seeking somebody else thinking a PERSON IS THE SOLUTION to what is wrong in their lives...when it's not really a person at all. It is maybe a mental problem, emotional one, and they don't get help or ask for help. Our M was good before "the fall"...that is before the transformation of my xh into the WS monster.

Like one day he snapped and never came back.

It happens.

But that 3 percent they aspire to be in? It's a crock of s*it!

JustPeachy!! Have missed ya muchly, girl!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Aloha Peach,

So Jethro is still making news..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Howa been? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Betcha that young man of yours is growing up fast. Send some pics ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Hi Peachy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It's always a pleasure to read your posts.

So, things continue to rot in the house of Darth, huh? This 3% statistic is very misleading. If those GloryB girls think that everyone in the club is happy, they are sadly mistaken - most will end up like Darth and FV, staying together only because they have to 'prove' that they were right to destroy so many lives for their own selfishness...

I 'used' to be friends with a man and his wife whose union was the product of an affair. This guy was my boss - I thought he was OK, really quite liked him. But I haven't had anything to do with him and his wife since my own marriage ended.

His affair-wife was 15 years younger than him - he had left his first wife and kids for her, and married her - typical MLC stuff. In my pre-affair ignorance then, I though they were a very happy couple. I knew nothing about infidelity then, and was completely non-judgemental about their marriage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Only after infidelity 'happened' to me did I, in retrospect, understand about this couple's relationship. That, although they have stayed together (for about 20 years now) their relationship was actually rotten to the core.

Firstly, they never had children together. The woman was only 24 when they married, but the man didn't want more children, as he had two young children from his first marriage. She is now post-menopausal, and I can't believe this isn't a major regret for her. What an enormous thing to give up for a man. As I have said, the man is 15 years older than her, and not in the best of health either. He will obviously die years before she does - and then what will she have?

Also, the woman is an alcoholic. Again, I didn't think much about her drinking before my ex left me, but now I think it is very telling. She recently got so drunk that she slipped in the lavatory in a pub, and suffered brain damage. She permanently lost her sense of smell. I have come to realise that drinking and dysfunctional relationships very often go hand in hand.

The man’s children from his first marriage never really ‘imposed’ on his new fantasy marriage. He only ever had them for weekends, twice a month, and his new wife was never really the ‘stepmother’ type – she never really had that much to do with them. This is how, I am sure, that they kept the marriage together so long – they managed to keep reality, in the form of a nuclear family, away.

The husband is a very strong, type A personality. I have recently learned from his closest friend that he is actually a real bully. That he is mentally and verbally cruel to his wife. Obviously, regret and anger and blame sit deep at the heart of this relationship. I also know that he was serially unfaithful to his first wife, even before he met the second. There is virtually no chance at all that he has been faithful to his affair-bride, is there?

I thought this relationship was strong and healthy – I though their situation romantic! I can’t believe I felt that way now! This marriage has lasted for 20 years, but it is a bad and unhappy marriage, despite outward signs to the contrary. And it is the VERY MOST that the GloryB girls can aspire to.

Alph.

Even if 3% make it there is always that faint air of doubt, what if......

When an R is not built on trust, then until the trust is earned or built into the R, there is always a chance of......

What a way to grow old. One thing that does bring some comfort....OPs do....get old....all that plastic surgery won't stop it. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

And boy, does Omelette need it - even at the age of 28!

Meow! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

As a card carrying member of the 3% club (15 years) and an eventual BW I have to say that I didn't feel any sense of accomplishment when my MM and married, I only felt relief that the horrible journey was over.

I was terribly young when I met my MM, and in my ignorance and arrogance thought I could cope with issues that came along with being in a relationship with someone who was previously married. I think it comes along with the mindset of a 22 year old.

I didn't break up my MM's marriage either, his XW did that, she was (and still is) a crack addict. They were actually separated at the time of our dating as she had stolen his brand new car and most of his household goods to sell them for drugs. It's difficult to know exactly which one of them cheated first, or worse, or got the shorter end of their divorce deal. I know that he paid for three separate rounds of rehab before he met me. I also know my presence in his life gave him a reason to say "no" to any more of her repeated rounds of returning to and leaving the family when her drug money ran out.

I think the reason that the 3% club doesn't come here to post is the same reason I don't post much...the overwhelming attitude from most here that no matter what we may have done that's good in our lives, no matter what the circumstances of the creation of our marriages, no matter how much we may regret the past and want to improve the present, no matter how unhappy we may be, no matter what kind of people we are today as apposed to the people the people we were yesterday (or 15 years ago), we don't deserve any of it.

All we deserve is lives full of as much misery as fate can dish out because we were once just far to evil for words so we deserve every nasty moment that we live.

Why would any sane person want to attempt to converse with someone who had that sort of preset attitude against them? [color:"#666666"] [/color]

Most of the 3 percent'ers DON'T HAVE LONG standing marriages...and that is something we've found alot to be true...they simply cut and run from their spouse, run immediately to their OP fix, and then think the fix can FIX THEMSELVES! that's the problem...those who run from M to M aren't getting it...it's about working on YOU...there are internal issues. Sorry to hear that you're having troubles...sounds like your WH never got it...but I hope and pray your H does a turn around for the sake of your family and pray the best for you.

Now those over on THAT board who aspire to be in this club don't seem to understand that concept whatsoever...they see either the $$$ or the looks or both or the house or the lifestyle and THEY WANT THAT...they don't really analyze WHAT OR WHO they want to get...and when they reel in the married man or woman...suddenly they see it wasn't always what they thought it was...and yea, the Married person cheating always finds out there is either something missing, still not enough happiness there so they find something else to run to yet again. I see it as a vicious cycle that can not be broken unless the serial cheater(s) stop, look inside, and WANT TO FIX their own lives first.

That's why MB is a good approach ...and why I also love Dr. James Dobson...

It's a soul/mental health issue usually in the end that needs fixing.

But the 3 percent er's usually end up just as another stat.

what an unusual description of your courtship experience

"relief that the horrible journey was over"

this is how your marriage began?

with no sense of accomplishment?

how sad is that... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I don't think you deserve anything bad as a result of this. Your H was separated... he was only waiting for the legalities to finish while you were dating.... no big deal. There is no reason that he should have had to wait to begin his life again as a result of her actions and the fact that they were separated. Many people think it is okay to date while seperated and so long as everyone is honest about it, I see it as a personal choice... and in this case that choice was made all the easier for him due to his wifes behaviors.
Now, I would not ever look on a marriage that was the result of an affair in a positive light... I think it is just sin with a coat of paint on top of it. I do not look at your situation like that at all. I personally do not date women that are separated... but I know some good people that have and some that have been married for a long time.
Now... a caveat to this. Any person that leaves their spouse just so they can screw around is cheating in my eyes. But in a case like yours where the person is just waiting for the ink to dry to get out of an abusive relationship... I say use your best judgement.

Well there's a surprise. Cheaters cheat.

You're kidding, right?

Do you know how many members here are in Plan A or B who are MARRIED but separated?

Regardless of honesty MEDC, they are married so its still adultery (aka cheating).

What happens when Plan A/B are effective and the WS comes back to a spouse who is now DATING (aka cheating too). Quite the mess I would suspect.

Bottom line, if you want to date, GET A DIVORCE FIRST.

I would agree with you in most cases.... but not all. Sometimes divorce takes a long time and in my opinion if a couple has decided to divorce, it is up to them as individuals if they want to date. That's why I included honesty in that equation.
If I were a woman, abused by my H... or a H by his W... or cheated on by my spouse... and I fully intended to get a divorce... I see nothing wrong with dating. Why should a person be held to your or my standards when they are acting in an honest fashion? So, what if the abuser drags out the divorce proceedings to a snails pace...no, IMHO, the governments stamp of divorce has NOTHING to do with right or wrong. I can understand your perspective, but just disagree.
Now, please note that I am very clear in what I said regarding cheaters... always have been. Cheating in my opinion should be a crime.... punishable by jail time. Dating while awaiting a divorce under certain situations is not something I would recommend... but I will not condemn it either.

[quote] Do you know how many members here are in Plan A or B who are MARRIED but separated? [quote]

Yes, lots. That's not the people I am speaking of.

Let's just say that Believer had made a full informed decision to divorce her H. I would never have held it against her if she met someone before the state placed a stamp on her divorce. Her H made the decision to abandon the marriage. She has a right to decide how she wishes to live her life in the future. Just my opinion.

You're kidding right?
A BS that has made the decision to divorce is not going to Plan A or Plan B. They are divorcing. I am talking about someone that has made a definite decision to divorce and is waiting on the courts.

Can't tell you how many BS's WSes have lied to the OP telling them their BS was okay with divorcing, all the while lying.


The operative word above "Intended", but then Plan A/B are implemented and now both spouses are involved in adultery.

So much for good intentions.

Yes... resilent you make great points. But they are NOT what I was speaking of. Please take the time to read my words. I am not talking about someone that LIES to a person to get over on them. I agree with every point you are making... but they are not relevant to what I am saying.

"Let's just say that Believer had made a full informed decision to divorce her H. I would never have held it against her if she met someone before the state placed a stamp on her divorce"

Oh, great, now everyone knows. MEDC - I did have a slip about a year and a half ago. Went to a charity event at the yacht club, and ran into an old friend. One drink led to another, and I ended up spending the night on his boat.

The bad thing is that I felt so HORRIBLE about it, that I no longer wanted to be friends with him.

When in doubt, always wait for the divorce to be final.

Part of Plan B is preparing to Divorce, MEDC. During my membership I have seen hundreds of marriages come back from the brink at that stage here on MB. No exaggeration.

agreed... but when a person has no doubts about their actions, it is a personal choice

I think Jo's point is it's NEVER over till the divorce. (Sometimes not even then)

there is ALWAYS doubt in other words

She makes good points... but sometimes it is over.... and should be.

not true. some people have very clear resolve to divorce and NEVER give a cheater or an abuser a second chance. That is their right and it happens a lot.

Then make it over and get a DIVORCE FIRST ... then date.

you are entitiled to this view.

MEDC - The point is you have to act according to your beliefs. I felt I was still married, and had betrayed my beliefs. Didn't matter that I was done with WH, and he was done with me. It is something I will always regret. And it ruined a good friendship too.

yes, I agree 100% Believer... I have said you need to act according your own beliefs. Some people feel they are no longer married once they are assaulted by infidelity or abuse. I agree with you... which is getting to be a habit.
Sorry for the loss of your friend.

Sometine you still feel married even when you are divorced! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Almost as soon as the paper was dry on my decree absolute I began seeing an old friend of 20 years.

I think it has everything to do with where you are emotionally with your ex-partner and less to do with your legal status.

Even now - six months after my divorce and 20 months after my separation, I am nowhere near ready for a relationship.

Yet I'm still in one. Daft cow that I am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I know at least two couples that that have Ms that started off as As. They seem to be doing ok. It might be rare, but sometimes the OP does turn out to be a better choice than the current S for a LTR.

MIM -

There is no doubt in my mind that some OP's might be a better match than the spouse. The problem is that affair relationships never have a healthy start.

Think about it. In a normal relationship, you get to know the person by spending time with them, talking to them, seeing them in different situations. After a couple dates, you might invite them to your home, or go to theirs. There is a period of adjustment.

An affair relationship skips many steps. It is usually kept secret, and tends to move very quickly. All the checks and balances are gone.

And the worst part is that you know that you have a partner that, when things get rough, takes the easy way out. And your partner knows the same thing about you.

...and then there's the uncomfortableness that comes if anyone asks the couple how they met and they're not in a position to lie about it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

But face it - is the situation any different for us that choose to remain in an M with partners that have already demonstrated to us that they are capable of turning to someone else and deceiving us in the worst possible manner? In fact, it might be even worse - at least in the case of the "affair" M, one or both of the partners have gone through the pain of a D, and remembering that might be enough to convince them not to stray again.

Good question MIM. Hopefully someone will have an answer. I ended up divorce, which was not my choice, but actually much easier that recovering the marriage.

and many WS feel they are no longer married when they feel attracted to the OP

you are not married based on whether or not you feel like you are married

people who live together (shack up) often feel like they are married too ... but they ain't

you is or you ain't

and if a BS decides to date or sleep around or whatever because their heart has been broken too many times ... they do it because they feel like doing it ... NOT because they are single-not-married-divorced

I feel like I am not happily married on occasion ... so what? ... my feeling does not change the fact that I am married ... coz I IS married <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

so, if someone has the belief that marriage is based on a feeling .... then dating while married becomes "OK" ... because a change in feelings then take a higher priority than vows of committment

feelings always change

it's nature


Pep

Forget who posted this, and it is kind of long, but here it is -

CAN A MISTRESS EVER BE A SUCCESSFUL WIFE?
By ELEANOR BAILEY, Daily Mail

14:40pm 24th June 2006

Having strayed once, will he stray again?
You're having an affair, he swears he's going to leave his wife – so far, so predictable. But what if he really did leave her? What are the chances of it turning out happily-ever-after? Not very high, says ELEANOR BAILEY:

You might not remember Rosetta Bain, but she was the woman who stole Anneka Rice's TV producer partner just six months after Anneka had given birth to his son. Rosetta, the high-flying, glamorous mistress, became Tom Gutteridge's new wife – then, three years later, received her comeuppance in spectacular fashion when Gutteridge dumped her for a woman ten years younger.

Questions
• Can an affair turn into a successful marriage?

Rosetta, single again at 47, felt compelled to apologise publicly to Anneka. "Tom used to tell me that Anneka was neurotic," she explains, "and that she tried to come between him and his children from his previous marriage.

"I got to the stage of wondering why he didn't leave Anneka sooner if she was so terrible. Of course, now I realise she wasn't. Now I know he's saying the same sort of thing about me."

Some mistresses are satisfied with playing second fiddle to the wife - or realistic enough to know that the relationship wouldn't work any other way - but most, like Rosetta, live in hope that one day the situation will change and the man will be all theirs. However making it down the aisle is no guarantee of a happy ending, as Rosetta discovered. Her message to the mistress is: be careful what you wish for.

Ruth Houston - a cheated-on wife who exacted her revenge by writing a book called 'Is he Cheating?' and reinventing herself on TV as an infidelity expert both here and in the US - confirms: "studies show that only three per cent of the cheating husbands who divorce their wives marry their mistresses, and when they do these marriages have a very high failure rate - between 75 and 90 per cent.

"If he cheated with you, he's likely to cheat on you, because cheating is his way of dealing with marital problems. Instead of seeking professional help or trying to communicate with his mate, his solution is to have an affair."

Serial strayers

Marina Wheeler, wife of the philandering Tory MP and writer Boris Johnson, has been suffering the humiliation of her husband's second very public affair within two years – yet she had formerly played the mistress herself. She became pregnant with their first child while he was still married to his previous wife, so she shouldn't have been totally surprised when he started straying again.

And Francesca Annis must always have known that if Ralph Fienne was capable of leaving his first wife, Alex Kingston, for her, he could do it again - and sure enough her publicist announced their break-up earlier this year after he had an affair with a young singer.

As Sir James Goldsmith famously put it when he divorced Ginette Lery and married Lady Annabel Goldsmith, "When you marry your mistress, you create a vacancy." And he was something of an expert in the field, at one stage maintaining three relationships (and families) around the globe.

So can an ex-mistress wife ever really feel safe? "I felt like I had to sleep with an emotional gun under my pillow – I needed to protect myself at all times," says Nicky, 35, who married her lover after they had both divorced their spouses.

"When we were having an affair our relationship was so simple - we both went to the same trade shows around the globe. We were together six to eight weeks a year with no strings attached: it was exciting. But when I left my husband, taking our two kids, and moved in with John, suddenly I was the woman at home.

"I couldn't travel as much without having my husband to cover the childcare. So now I was sitting alone for weeks with John away." And no matter how John attempted to reassure her that he was being faithful, Nicky felt she had no reason to believe him.

"I soon became convinced, if I couldn't get hold of him in the evening, that he was with another woman. Once he caught me checking his mobile phone for received calls and he got really angry. He snapped, 'Don't you trust me?' I felt I was turning into his ex-wife, who I knew he despised for being possessive.

"He had the same bored look on his face that I'd seen when he talked about his ex. Maybe some women can marry their lover and feel confident about it, but I felt like I'd made a pact with the devil. I felt I didn't really deserve to have him all to myself when I'd stolen him from someone else. Even on the day we were married, I was paranoid. It wasn't a joyous occasion."

The marriage didn't last. Nicky still doesn't know for sure if John was faithful to her, but she doubts it. That fear was enough to causes a rift between them, and she ended up back with her steady first husband.

"The reasons I had an affair in the first place - that I thought my marriage was boring, that my life at home was pure drudge compared to my life as the mistress - those feelings disappeared completely when I achieved my dream of marrying John.

Mistrust

"It was too much of a roller coaster. The mistrust was too stressful to live with. I couldn't cope. I'm just grateful my first husband gave me a second chance and I've got my family back."

But the biggest irony is that, even if a mistress marriage is not scuppered by the woman's fear - real or imaginary - that she has fallen for a serial adulterer, then the marriage can just as easily founder for lack of excitement.

After the thrill of an affair - the secret liaisons and romantic weekends abroad - marriage can prove a dull reality, a bit like taking James Bond down the supermarket.

"I was waiting in the wings for David for ten years," says Marian, 45 years old, sensible, church going and a thoroughly unlikely mistress. "Finally, when his kids were grown up, he divorced his wife and we married. I was an idiot but I thought it would sort out all my frustrations - no more waiting to see him, no more weekends cancelled at the last minute. I could spend Christmas with him. We could have breakfast together every day."

In the event the marriage was a disaster and Marian left her lover of ten years after eighteen months of marriage. "Yes," she sighs, "I left him. I thought I knew him inside out after so long, but almost as soon as we moved in together I realised I didn't know him at all. Really I'd only seen the good side - the clean, attentive side.

"After a month of being with him full time I started feeling sorry for his ex-wife. He was such a slob around the house! And he was hopeless at getting anything done - I soon found I was buying his children's birthday cards.

"I had felt guilty about breaking up the marriage, but now I suspect his wife was glad to have him off her hands - they remained on suspiciously good terms. In fact he seemed to get on better with her after they split. And I realised that our part time relationship had worked so well because it was part time."

"The more you integrate yourself into someone's life, the more likely you are to experience conflict and disillusionment," says Dr Janet Reibstein, visiting professor at Exeter University, whose research into infidelity reveals that marriages following affairs are particularly brittle, often breaking up faster or not really becoming established in the first place.

"People do not realise how dependent an affair is on the marriage," she explains. In other words, an affair needs the marriage to keep its lustre, to look good in comparison. People believe that they are revealing their true selves in an affair. All those deep conversations, candlelit dinners and long nights give lovers a chance to share their innermost thoughts in a way that a married couple - with children, work, in-laws and hair removal - never have time for.

However, says Dr Reibstein adamantly, this belief is false. "They think that by sharing the deep stuff they are showing their real selves, but actually the trivial domestic stuff - such as whether you leave the toilet seat up - probably says more about you."

Marian's lover David was not being deliberately dishonest by hiding his bad habits for a decade. Part of the allure of an affair, says Dr Reibstein, is that it allows you to believe that you are that more interesting person you show to your lover on your precious, snatched weekends. People deceive themselves that they will continue to be this more attractive self if they end up with the lover full time, which just isn't realistic.

"An affair is just a part of somebody's life," explains Dr Reibstein. "It's a response to something that is deficient in the marriage." If a marriage has become stale, if the passion has gone, an affair can fill that gap.

Stale marriage makes 'affairs seem appealing'

"But once the marriage is over," says Reibstein, "the whole complexion changes because the problems of the marriage, that made the affair seem so appealing, are no longer there." And what works as an affair may not be strong enough to stretch to a full-time relationship.

This was certainly true for Marian. "I realised on the honeymoon that I had undervalued how important having my own space was. I'd never been with him for two weeks solid before. By the end I was desperate to be on my own.

"I used to think I was lonely without him. That was why I got involved with a married man in the first place - I'd been single a long time and thought it was that or nothing. I never realized, until I was with him all the time, how much I valued my own company and that seeing him so irregularly actually suited me very well.

"The upside of all this is that I now really appreciate being alone."

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I just wanted to pop in real quick and say that at the other site they actually think they number is higher than 3%. They are really making fun of that number when they mention it.

I think it is totally different because that partner did return to the marriage, make ammends and work to build a good relationship with you, hopefully learning that adultery is never a valid solution to an unhappy marriage. Having been through this they are then highly motivated to never do it again.

IMO you're making several assumptions there which may not necessarily be correct for every or even most Ms that have continued after one or both parties have been unfaithful.

Well if those assumptions are not true, why would you remain in the marriage?

Well, financial or custody reasons immediately comes to mind as two possibilities, but generally it's quite possible people chose to remain in their A-affected Ms not because they wanted to, but because it was the better option open to them when compared to the alternative.

So, of course, when a better option presents itself in the future ...

I think that the assumption that every or even nearly every M that survives an A is a happy one is probably not a valid one.

Well MIM that may be true but I think your assumption that


Is equally wrong.

I believe the situations ARE different for the reasons I stated.