I’ve lurked here since July and have read so much good information on MB, but my job monitors Internet usage so closely that I have limited access to the forums during the week. I have printed some of the old threads from Mimi1254 (350 pages!), B0B Pure* and Mortarman for “inspiration” throughout my husbands continued affair, but find it more and more difficult to go this alone. Here is my story.

WH is 53, BS (me) 47. We have been married 23 years. This is his second marriage. He has 2 daughters (28 - with 2 girls & one on the way and 27 with no children).

We have several investment properties, both rental and rehab. This has been a part of the marriage which caused distance because we spend so little time together with him working on the properties. It has helped our net worth tremendously, but when it came to "undivided attention", it was basically nonexistent.

Another complication is I have put on a considerable amount of weight since we married and he has always been a heavy beer drinker. Could never isolate a discussion about one vise without the other taking over the conversation.

5 1/2 years ago while we were on vacation, we had an absolutely huge fight which ended in him throwing yellow pages at me for divorce attorneys. Things settled back down to just existing, but he did not tell me he loved me for 6 months and he worked on a rehab project for so many hours a day that I probably only saw him for 4 or 5 hours A WEEK! I was tremendously lonely and when a former H.S. sweetheart of mine contacted me through Classmates.com I had a whirlwind EA for about 6 weeks. There was never any contact because we were separated by over 1200 miles, but the fog was intense for me. I became an XWS very quickly when my husband found out and Emotional Needed me to death. We didn't even know about MB back then.

Things were great for about 3 years, but since we didn't "work at our marriage" every day nor did we have the great MB tools, our marriage began to suffer again. This time he ended up in an EA in early May 2006 which became PA on June 2, 2006. Dday was 6/13/06 when I intercepted a phone call from OW at 5:00 a.m. when WS left his cell phone at home. When I got to work I immediately checked cell phone records and found tons of calls beginning 5/16/06. I left work early and confronted him with copies of the phone records. No denial. Pretty much textbook (Surviving an Affair) comments and even the way it began was like Dr. Harley wrote the book about my husband. The OW (43) is also married and her husband found out shortly after I did because of the cell phone usage.

WS immediately purchased an "affair phone" and the summer was the worst in my life. The "affair phone" would ring at all hours and WS had no regard to me whatsoever. He kept saying I put him “out there” and just didn’t care anymore. He promised OW that he would never hurt her and would absolutely never deny her of anything.

I started my own form of what I found out to be Plan A immediately. I joined the gym at work and have lost 60 pounds since June. I finally found MB in late July, bought Surviving an Affair, Love Busters & His Needs/Her Needs. I started exposure and an intense Plan A on 8/18/06. WS noticed same day. He immediately wants to know who I've been talking to and why I'm acting so confident in myself. My response is I have always been confident and now I have decisions to make for my future also.
I thought "these MB tools are unbelievable".

There were many bad days and bad situations in September and October, but WS never left home and never even stayed away overnight. Then on 11/2/06 he never came home. I was traveling on business the next day when he finally came home, my car was in the garage, but no me. He freaked because he wasn't home the night before for me to remind him I was flying to Kansas City the next morning. While in my business meeting, my phone was vibrating every 10 minutes from about 11 a.m. until 1:30 p.m. when I finally was able to return his calls. His VM's were pathetic. I merely told him that we would talk when I got home that evening and hung up.

He stayed out all night with OW because they got drunk together and then during a conversation about "their" future the next morning, the OW finally realized that my WS had nothing to offer her. WS cannot afford to give her the lifestyle the OWH can provide. She told my WH that she was going home to work on her marriage. I hoped this was the beginning of the end of their affair. And right on target with Dr. Harley’s 6 month timeframe for affairs.

I had my Plan B ready for 11/19. Bills separated, new bank account and credit card open in my name only. Because I knew he would never voluntarily leave our home, I decided I would move to our weekend home during Plan B. But, when the affair seemed to be crumbling on it’s own, I decided to hold out for a few months to see what transpired through the holidays. He hasn’t actually said his is committed to working on our relationship, but he’s still at home, which is better than some of the threads I have read on MB. I have continued Plan A, but I don’t really know what I should be doing anymore. He is allowing me to meet all of his EN, but he thinks I am pushing him and says he is afraid.

I have continued to snoop (which he hates) looking for clues to the continued affair in his wallet, pants pockets, etc. and have seen a few calls on his cell phone, but since they work for the same company I have no idea what contact has continued these past 2 months. He is currently interviewing for another job, but his skills are limited and a job change at 53 is very difficult.

Last night was the straw that broke the camel’s back. We discussed how he has to be accountable for his time and not “disappear” for 3 to 4 hours after work each day. He works 4:30 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. and hasn’t been getting home most days until after 4:00 p.m. He claims he is “shopping” and that he never had to check in before. Well, now is different. Our lives are different. He also was adamant about his privacy and that I should not be snooping. I’m afraid this is a major LB right now, but because he pushed so hard about the privacy, I decided to look in his car after he had dozed off in the chair after dinner.

I found an open pint of rum and some diet cokes on the passenger floorboard (which is her beverage of choice) and a miniature rose plant. I lost it. I broke the rum bottle on the driveway, threw the rose in the yard and woke him up to confront him on his continued contact with her. He claims he bought the rum and coke for himself (he has never drank a diet anything his whole life), that he has seen her at work but that they haven’t “been together sexually for 2 months”. I told him I can’t deal with a third person in our marriage anymore and went upstairs to pack. I had everything downstairs by 9:00 p.m. but he asked me to sit down and discuss everything rationally. He hasn’t been rational for months. The conversation was a broken record of everything we have gone over and over and over. NC, change jobs to ensure NC, commit to working on our relationship. We finally went to bed at 11:30 (he had to get up for work at 3:00 a.m.) and now I’m trying to decide my next step. My suitcases are sitting here, but I don’t know what I should do.

This morning I got up with him like I do every morning and made his coffee, lunch, etc. but immediately went back to bed vs. waiting in the kitchen to say goodbye to him like normally do. I heard the door SLAM and then got up and started writing this thread on MB.

Please help. I’m so confused. I am definitely strong enough to do Plan B, but is that what I should do at this time? I also don’t know if leaving my home is the right decision.

I know these boards are slow on the weekends and that many of the pros won’t be back online until Monday, but I am hoping to get some advise quickly. I really have to make some decisions in my life.

I think you are way overdue for Plan B. Continuing in Plan A like this serves to enable him and erodes your feelings towards him. But, you must seperate from him and since you don't have kids at home and have other homes, I would certainly consider moving to your other home if he won't move.

My concern, though, is that you might be doing this, not as a strategic move, but as a REACTION to your recent explosion. This needs to be a well thought out, strategic move in order for it to work. If it is done based on emotions in reaction to a grievance, then your resolve will change as soon as your mood changes.

Plan B takes enormous planning and resolve in order to be successful. Resolve is necessary because your WS will do evrything he can to undermine your Plan B. If you are not firm in your resolve [ie: the mood has passed] you will allow him to do that. If he is allowed to get you to break your resolve to go dark, then he can get the fix he needs to go out there and affair around for another day. So, there is great benefit to doing this thoughtfully and carefully, rather than impulsively and emotionally.

Other key factors are seperating your finances and making sure that potential contacts are eliminated. For neccessary contacts that CANNOT be avoided, I would designate an intermediary that will be neutrsl who could screeen out any undesired contact and only pass on neccessary stuff.

Have you looked over the Plan B letters?

Welcome to Marriage Buildes, I am sorry you are here, CG. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

p.s. I would also REEXPOSE the OW to her H and any other targets you can think of.

CG, is your husband an alcoholic?
Mulan

I think a reexposure is a definite must. Changing jobs is a definite must. Changing cellphone numbers and deleting her number is a definite must. I think O&H with no more secrecy is a definite must. If all of these are not agreed upon and abided by, I think plan B is a definite must.

YOU DON'T MOVE OUT! He can stay somewhere else. If he refuses, it will only take a couple times of having his [censored] dropped off on the curb for him to get the idea that's he's not welcome in the marriage if he doesn't respect your boundaries. Make it difficult as ****** on him. This is flat out WAR! Brace yourself for battle.

Thank you all for your quick responses. I do believe my husband is an alcohlic. His father was and I've consistently thought that my WH was "a functional alcohlic".

MelodyLane,
I had hoped you would be one of the pros to give your advise. I have always felt your words have so much meaning to all of us novice MB's.

My Plan B letter has been done since November. I have all the finances in order and just need to "DO IT"! But, like Jim indicated, I am very concerned about leaving my home. The vacation home is about 2 hours from here and my commute to work will be horrible, but doable if necessary.

My father just stopped by and wanted me to know that he was informed through my cousin who is a manager at my husbands job that they are still very much involved in the relationship. Holding hands, having lunch together, etc. I feell very used.

It's time to have a talk with OWH. Have you ever spoken to him? You need to enlist his help to monitor them from both sides. Did you ever expose to his employer? What (if anything) did they say/do?

I have never spoken to OWH. I do know his cell phone number and their home number, so I guess that's my next step.

Since my cousin is a manager at the company and knows what is going on, it appears that they don't care about whether their empoyees are "involved". The company is a major airline carrier in Chicago. My cousin has told his mom that they definetly don't hide the relationship from anyone.

Absolutely first step -- TODAY -- is to expose to OWH.
And to WH's daughters.
Who exactly did you expose to before?

CG -- sorry you're here.

CG, can you get him to move out? That will be the first step before you go to Plan B. Will he move out? If not, you should get a legal seperation that will make him move out.

I would expose to the OWH, their employer, and your H's parents. The story needs to come FROM YOU to ensure the correct one is being told. Otherwise, only a spun wayward version gets out. I would also call the OW's parents if you can.

I am sure your H and the OW have told ppl they are seperated at work. Send a letter to Human Resources and ask what they intend on doing about it. Thats ok if they don't do anything about it, it will put pressure on the affair if they know that management is looking at them. It can't hurt anything to do this.

Almost ALL alcoholics are functional alcoholics. Skid row bums are the rare exception, btw.

I agree, the employer does not want to rock the boat. However, if you rock it for them, they might feel the need to do something. If you and OWH's BOTH confront HR they might feel pressure to at least separate them. It is a question of which is more trouble, dealing with you or dealing with them. If you are more trouble, they may wind up on the short end of the stick.

His daughters have known all along and his youngest one has "aided and abeated" him thoughout the affair. She put him on her credit card so I wouldn't see the hotel bills, gift purchases, etc. and even agreed at one point to have the OW move in with her until my WH could get his stuff together to leave.

My WH has been estranged from his mom & entire family for 18 years when his father died. I exposed to his other daughter, several friends of his, my parents (which killed me). They showed up at our house one day when the OW was there. I didn't want them involved at their ages (80 and 78), but I couldn't lie and cover up for WH anymore.

OW mother knows (father dead also) because OWH exposed.

How do you know the OW mother knows?

And what was the OW doing in your house?

Mel,
I really wish husband would leave. He says it's his home too and that he can have "friends" over if he wants (OW) and that I should go.

Legal seperation in IL is all of the divorce docs w/o the judge. It is not a quick process. I would pursue that immediately however once in Plan B. I might as well put the full pressure on him.

Our vacation home is the best choice that I have short term. It would not be easy for him to attempt contact because it is far enough away. I know that everyone says don't ever leave your home, but I can't imagine co-habiting or attempting Plan B with him in the house.

Jim's suggestion about putting his stuff at the curb is interesting. But, is that legal?

I overheard a conversation this summer between OW and WH about her mother disowning her because of her actions.

WH has had OW in my home several times during affair. I have always figured it out and WH has not denied. They have also been together and OW house.

Jim, I agree with the rocking the boat thought. I will ask cousin to get some HR contacts for me. I'm not very close to my cousin (which is obvious by his disregard for me and not communicating the continuation of their affair), but I will try to get some information from him this weekend.

WH will be home from work soon so I will be logging off until later this evening. Thank you all for your suggestions. I appreciate it with all my heart.

I don't know about the legality of putting his stuff at the curb, but you might want to find out if Il is an "alienation of affection" state. That would probably enable curbing his possessions.

Just a thought,
SD

I would then pursue the seperation so you can get him removed from the house. You might even ask your attorney to obtain a restraining order removing him and barring the OW from your home so they can't carry on the affair there.

CG, do not ever, ever allow the OW into your home. Do you understand? That is a grievous act of betrayal in the sanctity of your home. I would get a restraining order against her and if she EVER DARES to darken your doorstep again, I would have her removed by the sheriff, if you dont have a pistol handy.

I am SPEECHLESS that you allowed this to happen and would appreciate it if you would explain to me how you ever came to a place where you would ALLOW yourself to be SO UTTERLY SHAT UPON in your own home. You are well old enough to know better. How do you explain your tolerance for such abuse and disrespect?

Mel,
I knew you would be furious with me regarding OW in my home. I was at work. WH is off during the week and I have no control over what he does when I am gone.

I am definetly aware of 3 seperate occurances where OW was in my home. Could possibly be more. I even recorded the last incident (they just partied with no sex thank god) when I thought that WH's first NC was false. Now he always talks about his home being bugged.

I can't explain my tolerance for such abuse. I just kept up the Plan A and approached him with some of Ark's "pain" comments and walked away. I probably should have gone to Plan B quickly to have avoided much of WH's abuse.

Sorry, I also should have started posting sooner. It is just so difficult with my company monitoring all Internet use. They fired over 100 people 2 years ago for it. I will contact an attorney on Monday and put all the wheels in motion.

My parents want me to stay with them until I can get WH out of the house, but I think that's where he would expect me to go. I hate that they are going thru this with me at their age. I'm an only child and they don't need the stress.

Good deal. So your plan is to contact an attorney on Monday? Can you check into a) getting him removed from your home and b) having a RO slapped on that HO? What about your other exposures? [OWH and the workplace]

That really sucks that your workplace is interfering in your internet time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Today's update.
I attempted re-exposure to OWH over the weekend, but he never answered his cell phone. Will continue to call.

Made appointment for this Wed. with Steve Harley. I am currently re-writing parts of my Plan B letter so I am prepared to execute if Steve agrees with that being my next step.

Also had a converation with my attorney on the legal stuff. I can go to our WI home to live during Plan B w/o it legally being considered abandonment because of his actions. He also suggested filing a Disolution of Marriage vs. Legal Seperation because the Disolution can always be put on hold indefinetly. His feeling was "kick him in the butt" fast and hard to make him wake up - kind of the FU Plan.

WH and I had a couple discussions (all fog talk on his part) about NC, NC, NC over the weekend. Not much progress.

What did he think about getting your H to move? Wouldn't it be terribly inconvenient for you to move to WI?

And what did your H say about NC?

EXCELLENT!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Attorney said that as part of the Disolution papers we could ask for an immediate order for me to take posession of the marital residence. Moving to WI would be a more difficult commute, adding approximately 1 hour (1/2 hr each way) to an already 1 1/2 hour door to door commute. I just really like the idea of being far away from my current life while going completely dark. In the long run I believe it may be easier on my emotions.

Husband still wavers on the NC discussions. He no longer works in the same area, but contact is still easy during the day.

He has a second interview tomorrow for a position very close to our home. That will eliminate the working together, but unless he accepts NC fully, they will just make other arrangements.

I hope the Disolution papers will keep her out, and him too. If you can get that, get it.

I recommend holding off on the plan B letter until you know what the judge will grant. then you can word it so as to cover what is going on.

You don't have to try to talk him into NC. You just tell him that you won't stay with him if contact continues, and that it's his job to prove NC when he is ready to live it. That means HE GIVES YOU THE CELL BILL, HIS PASSWORDS, AND EVERYTING YOU NEED WITHOUT YOU ASKING. If he isn't ready to do that, you don't really have anything. It's his job to make you feel safe, not your job to be a PI and find everything out for your self.

So, if and when you go to plan B, you tell him what you need, and explain that when he is ready to give you what you need, you would love to talk, but not until. You also communicate that you won't wait for ever. You have hope still, but you are not sure just how long you can hold on to it.

IN other words, you spell it out for him, tell him the truth, and let him make decisions.

You still have choices too. You can decide you don't want him back. Remember that, sometimes it helps.

Make sure he understands that he has freedom to do what he wants - you can't and don't intend to control him. However, you have the freedom to do what you want too, and that means you don't have to take him back unless he makes it safe for you to do that. Both these points are important.

This time (when you don't know what will happen) can be a time of sorrow, and fear, or a time of renewal, and gathering strength. What you are, and who you are, does not depend on what he does, or what he says. Being strong, and being the best you that you can possibly be, will only help your cause.

If you don't feel strong, pretend until you do. It works for me. (grin)

SS

An update on my situation:
Second discussion with attorney indicated that unless WH had someplace to go, the judge would not grant me sole possession of the marital residence.

I believe my "bugging" of the house has eliminated the probability of her darkening my doorstep again. If they are meeting I would suspect it to be at her house which is closer to work.

WH has been extremely depressed since the weekend. Very emotional, but also open to having me meet EN's more so than in the recent past. I've held him like a little boy going to sleep the past 2 nights. I believe he is suffering, but I don't think it has to do with withdrawl. But what else?

WH also had his second interview for a new job yesterday and felt that it went excellent. He should hear something by end of this week! I am slightly encouraged by his acceptance of a job change. He was digging in his heels about that not long ago. It would at least make daily physical contact impossible and hopefully help him move toward the ultimate goal of NO CONTACT.

I also had my session with Steve this morning. Prior to going to Plan B, he has suggested that I "appeal to his logic" and propose a road map for determining what it would take for us to be in love again. I am to simple state to my WH "Wouldn't you be the happiest if you were in love with your wife?". Ideal answer from WH would be "of course!". Problem is WH doesn't know if that is possible and definetly doesn't know what it would take to be in love with me again. So, before we begin that journey, we need a map.

Steve feels that we will be stuck here forever without a stated goal and plan to accomplish that goal. Steve wants me to talk to WH about sceduling an appointment for WH and Steve. WH would not be committing to anything and definetly not committing to working on our marriage (which he seems to be afraid to do right now), but that Steve would be a resource to gather information for a plan.

If WH refuses to have a discussion with Steve, I will schedule a session for myself and get my Plan B underway.

Steve also reiterated Still Seekings comments that I can't tell WH what to do. I can't control him. I will change my approach immediately and hope that WH reacts positively.

I am feeling better today and will go home and unpack (I've been living out of the suitcases since Friday!) for the short term at least.

This is great news, CG! Why do you think he is suffering? Could it be because the OW knows you are trying to reach her H? Did the OW dump your H out of fear of your contact? I would suggest that you keep trying to contact him until you get through.

Glad you counseled with SH and glad you are home! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am uncertain about his suffering. On Monday evening he was even crying at times. Maybe he is looking toward the future of NC if and when he gets this new job.

The OW dumped WH because he can't provide the lifestyle she is accustomed to. New cars, boat, shopping sprees on his salary. I make almost twice as much as WH and provide for our lifestyle. Without me, it would be very different. OW is extremely materialistic. I drive a 14 year old car and am much more interested in saving for the future. OW party's and lives in the moment. Immediate gratification.

So he is probably suffering because the OW dumped him?

She technically dumped him in early November. Why the depression and suffering now? And, since there has still been contact, wouldn't he have the continued high?

CG, didn't you just find out they had been together?

Mel,
Last Friday is when I found the rum and coke in his car. He is a beer drinker and she drinks rum and coke. When I confronted him about it he said that he was drinking it and that they had not been together. In fact, he said "if I'm going to be blamed for physical contact, then I wish it had really happened and that I had the chance to enjoy it".

They definetly have contact at work. Daily? I don't know. Away from work - I have no proof. There have only been a few cell phone calls over the past 2 months.

Sorry if I have confused the timeline and situation. When she dumped him on 11/3/06 (after they spent the night together), I believed there was no contact. My continued snooping has revealed only minimal contact. But, contact is contact and he cannot go through withdrawl until firm NC is achieved.

Maybe this A has turned back into an EA for him. WH insists that OW is working on her marriage. What do you think?

I think he was with her last week and I think you should call up her H and tell him! I also don't think its relevant at all that he hasn't been intimate with her, not that he wouldn't lie about that. He was with her from the circumstantial evidence and the OWH needs to know this. Will he stay in touch with you until yall have killed off this affair?

I finally came to the conclusion in the early morning hours on Monday that I just can’t continue to allow my WH to “cake eat” anymore. I have no concrete proof that the A continues, but the signs do point in that direction.

I have tried to contact OWH numerous times with no answer. I have always used *67, so I am wondering if he won’t answer blocked number calls.

So, 2 days ago I stayed home from work, re-wrote my Plan B letter, packed my car and moved to our home in Wisconsin. WH got home from work at about 4:30, read the letter and immediately contacted the named intermediary. WH called by cell phone 12 times in 2 hours and then gave up for the night.

He called numerous times again yesterday. I had my phone off, but saw all of the missed calls when I was getting ready to leave work.

I know I am supposed to be completely dark in Plan B, but I did decide to send him a text message answering several of his voice mails. I said “Please re-read the letter – not once did I say good-bye or mention divorce. If you have a plan to ensure total & permanent no contact you can call me at 7 p.m.”.

Well, 7 p.m. came and went. I had dinner and was snuggled up on the couch when I heard footsteps on the porch and then the doorbell rang. It was my WH. He had driven the 2 hours north to find me. It was -1 degrees last night, so I told him to come inside if there was something he wanted to say to me.

The first words out of his mouth was “I cannot leave my job and the financial security to work at a warehouse or home improvement center making $5 less per hour”. He also said “if we don’t make it, I could never survive on that salary”. He also accused me of giving him ultimatums! I quickly defined my boundries again, but he just won’t listen.

So he drove all that way for nothing. He had no plan, no intension of changing jobs and I’m sure no intension of ending the contact he is having with OW.

Since it was already close to 10 p.m. after rehashing everything over and over again I let him stay the night and he went to work at 3:30 this morning. As he walked to the car I said “I love you more than anything in this world WH and it is up to you to come up with a plan for total & permanent no contact with OW”.

I know I made a horrible mistake by breaking the darkness so quickly, but need some support and advice.

Also, can anyone suggest a MC (or IC) in the downtown Chicago area that practices MB principles? Steve Harley said they are putting together a reference center on the website, but it won't be ready until summer. He suggested the forums would be a great place to get a referral. Thanks!

cg, he came all that way to ensure that he could keep you on the plantation while he carries on his affair. That is what he wanted, your assurance that you will be there waiting for him. I realise it is hard to stay dark, but everytime you allow him to break your Plan B, you place him back in control of your life and give him license to carry on his affair another day.

So, next time he texts you, delete it without reading. Block him from calling you. Don't answer the door the next time he comes over. He needs to see you that you are serious!

And keep coming back here and posting to us so we can help you! As far as finding a MC in Chicago, can you not counsel with Steve Harley? He is worth every penny. OR, if you can't, check around for counselors who understand and coach in MB principles. That is how I got here, our MC was strictly Marriage Builders. He was a Christian counselor at a Baptist Church.

Last night was so hard. I miss my WH so much. I guess I’m in the first stage of my own withdrawl. I have always loved having someone to take care of. I really do enjoy being a wife. I have made a full dinner every night for almost 25 years for my husband and tried to make our house a real home, full of warmth and love. I don’t know how to function for me, myself and I. I have made enough food the past 2 nights to feed several families. One positive note though – without WH, I am definitely eating healthy and at my weekly weigh in at the gym yesterday, I lost another 2 lbs. That’s 62 total now!

After his constant attempts at contact on Monday and Tuesday, he did not call me at all yesterday.

His oldest daughter did tell me that WH left her a voice mail asking for some help in getting a new job at the local home improvement center. A friend of hers sister is the manager of the store. That is certainly a change after the “I cannot leave my job and the financial security” speech he laid on me Tuesday night.

I need to find something in the evenings to occupy my time and keep my mind off of WH. With my extended commute, I’m not getting home until 6:45/7:00 p.m. and I have to be in bed by 9:30/10:00 to get up by 4:30 a.m. My evenings are really shot. There is a neighbor that I may be able to schedule evening walks, tennis, biking when the weather gets better. I have always hated being cooped up in the winter.

I honestly thought I would be a whole lot stronger than I’m feeling right now. My parents raised me to be a very independent woman, but being separated from someone you have built your whole life with is extremely tough. My company has a Family Assistance area so I made an appointment for tomorrow to see if they can refer me to a counselor that uses MB principles. I would love to continue sessions with Steve Harley, but finances will be tight considering my move.

Remember, no calls, no emails, no talking, no SEEING eachother.

Evenings are the roughest, but it gets easier. I don't know your WHOLE sitch, but I can tell you that it was prolly a month before I felt comfortable with Plan B, and I still felt a bit alien the whole time. You have to go through withdrawal yourself, and that takes time; I dont' think as much as a WS getting over OP, but it takes time.

Don't build up ANY expectations right now. Don't expect him to come running back to you. You don't want him right now, you want him when he is not begging because he lost his job or he's feeling lonely, you want him begging to have his W back, not just a soft place to land...

SL, I know from reading your sitch how things happen when you least expect it. And of course Plan B is not about getting your WS back, it is about your own personal growth. The first 2 days were easier for me because he was attempting contact and then showed up on my doorstep late Tuesday evening. Then last night nothing.

One thing I forgot to mention before until I read your resent updates was that when I moved on Monday, I left all three of the MB books on the kitchen counter. WH is not much of a reader, but he did make an offhanded comment on Tuesday night about how some of my PBL was from the book. I am hoping he eventually reads more of the information and can begin to see the MB principles as a way to recovery.

I don't think that Plan B only lasts for a few days, so hunker down, settle in. Let WH find his way back. Meanwhile, you start to fill YOUR time with things, STOP cooking for an ARMY, and begin with yourself

CG, how is it going now? Are you still in plan B?