I’ve lurked here since July and have read so much good information on MB, but my job monitors Internet usage so closely that I have limited access to the forums during the week. I have printed some of the old threads from Mimi1254 (350 pages!), B0B Pure* and Mortarman for “inspiration” throughout my husbands continued affair, but find it more and more difficult to go this alone. Here is my story.

WH is 53, BS (me) 47. We have been married 23 years. This is his second marriage. He has 2 daughters (28 - with 2 girls & one on the way and 27 with no children).

We have several investment properties, both rental and rehab. This has been a part of the marriage which caused distance because we spend so little time together with him working on the properties. It has helped our net worth tremendously, but when it came to "undivided attention", it was basically nonexistent.

Another complication is I have put on a considerable amount of weight since we married and he has always been a heavy beer drinker. Could never isolate a discussion about one vise without the other taking over the conversation.

5 1/2 years ago while we were on vacation, we had an absolutely huge fight which ended in him throwing yellow pages at me for divorce attorneys. Things settled back down to just existing, but he did not tell me he loved me for 6 months and he worked on a rehab project for so many hours a day that I probably only saw him for 4 or 5 hours A WEEK! I was tremendously lonely and when a former H.S. sweetheart of mine contacted me through Classmates.com I had a whirlwind EA for about 6 weeks. There was never any contact because we were separated by over 1200 miles, but the fog was intense for me. I became an XWS very quickly when my husband found out and Emotional Needed me to death. We didn't even know about MB back then.

Things were great for about 3 years, but since we didn't "work at our marriage" every day nor did we have the great MB tools, our marriage began to suffer again. This time he ended up in an EA in early May 2006 which became PA on June 2, 2006. Dday was 6/13/06 when I intercepted a phone call from OW at 5:00 a.m. when WS left his cell phone at home. When I got to work I immediately checked cell phone records and found tons of calls beginning 5/16/06. I left work early and confronted him with copies of the phone records. No denial. Pretty much textbook (Surviving an Affair) comments and even the way it began was like Dr. Harley wrote the book about my husband. The OW (43) is also married and her husband found out shortly after I did because of the cell phone usage.

WS immediately purchased an "affair phone" and the summer was the worst in my life. The "affair phone" would ring at all hours and WS had no regard to me whatsoever. He kept saying I put him “out there” and just didn’t care anymore. He promised OW that he would never hurt her and would absolutely never deny her of anything.

I started my own form of what I found out to be Plan A immediately. I joined the gym at work and have lost 60 pounds since June. I finally found MB in late July, bought Surviving an Affair, Love Busters & His Needs/Her Needs. I started exposure and an intense Plan A on 8/18/06. WS noticed same day. He immediately wants to know who I've been talking to and why I'm acting so confident in myself. My response is I have always been confident and now I have decisions to make for my future also.
I thought "these MB tools are unbelievable".

There were many bad days and bad situations in September and October, but WS never left home and never even stayed away overnight. Then on 11/2/06 he never came home. I was traveling on business the next day when he finally came home, my car was in the garage, but no me. He freaked because he wasn't home the night before for me to remind him I was flying to Kansas City the next morning. While in my business meeting, my phone was vibrating every 10 minutes from about 11 a.m. until 1:30 p.m. when I finally was able to return his calls. His VM's were pathetic. I merely told him that we would talk when I got home that evening and hung up.

He stayed out all night with OW because they got drunk together and then during a conversation about "their" future the next morning, the OW finally realized that my WS had nothing to offer her. WS cannot afford to give her the lifestyle the OWH can provide. She told my WH that she was going home to work on her marriage. I hoped this was the beginning of the end of their affair. And right on target with Dr. Harley’s 6 month timeframe for affairs.

I had my Plan B ready for 11/19. Bills separated, new bank account and credit card open in my name only. Because I knew he would never voluntarily leave our home, I decided I would move to our weekend home during Plan B. But, when the affair seemed to be crumbling on it’s own, I decided to hold out for a few months to see what transpired through the holidays. He hasn’t actually said his is committed to working on our relationship, but he’s still at home, which is better than some of the threads I have read on MB. I have continued Plan A, but I don’t really know what I should be doing anymore. He is allowing me to meet all of his EN, but he thinks I am pushing him and says he is afraid.

I have continued to snoop (which he hates) looking for clues to the continued affair in his wallet, pants pockets, etc. and have seen a few calls on his cell phone, but since they work for the same company I have no idea what contact has continued these past 2 months. He is currently interviewing for another job, but his skills are limited and a job change at 53 is very difficult.

Last night was the straw that broke the camel’s back. We discussed how he has to be accountable for his time and not “disappear” for 3 to 4 hours after work each day. He works 4:30 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. and hasn’t been getting home most days until after 4:00 p.m. He claims he is “shopping” and that he never had to check in before. Well, now is different. Our lives are different. He also was adamant about his privacy and that I should not be snooping. I’m afraid this is a major LB right now, but because he pushed so hard about the privacy, I decided to look in his car after he had dozed off in the chair after dinner.

I found an open pint of rum and some diet cokes on the passenger floorboard (which is her beverage of choice) and a miniature rose plant. I lost it. I broke the rum bottle on the driveway, threw the rose in the yard and woke him up to confront him on his continued contact with her. He claims he bought the rum and coke for himself (he has never drank a diet anything his whole life), that he has seen her at work but that they haven’t “been together sexually for 2 months”. I told him I can’t deal with a third person in our marriage anymore and went upstairs to pack. I had everything downstairs by 9:00 p.m. but he asked me to sit down and discuss everything rationally. He hasn’t been rational for months. The conversation was a broken record of everything we have gone over and over and over. NC, change jobs to ensure NC, commit to working on our relationship. We finally went to bed at 11:30 (he had to get up for work at 3:00 a.m.) and now I’m trying to decide my next step. My suitcases are sitting here, but I don’t know what I should do.

This morning I got up with him like I do every morning and made his coffee, lunch, etc. but immediately went back to bed vs. waiting in the kitchen to say goodbye to him like normally do. I heard the door SLAM and then got up and started writing this thread on MB.

Please help. I’m so confused. I am definitely strong enough to do Plan B, but is that what I should do at this time? I also don’t know if leaving my home is the right decision.

I know these boards are slow on the weekends and that many of the pros won’t be back online until Monday, but I am hoping to get some advise quickly. I really have to make some decisions in my life.

I think you are way overdue for Plan B. Continuing in Plan A like this serves to enable him and erodes your feelings towards him. But, you must seperate from him and since you don't have kids at home and have other homes, I would certainly consider moving to your other home if he won't move.

My concern, though, is that you might be doing this, not as a strategic move, but as a REACTION to your recent explosion. This needs to be a well thought out, strategic move in order for it to work. If it is done based on emotions in reaction to a grievance, then your resolve will change as soon as your mood changes.

Plan B takes enormous planning and resolve in order to be successful. Resolve is necessary because your WS will do evrything he can to undermine your Plan B. If you are not firm in your resolve [ie: the mood has passed] you will allow him to do that. If he is allowed to get you to break your resolve to go dark, then he can get the fix he needs to go out there and affair around for another day. So, there is great benefit to doing this thoughtfully and carefully, rather than impulsively and emotionally.

Other key factors are seperating your finances and making sure that potential contacts are eliminated. For neccessary contacts that CANNOT be avoided, I would designate an intermediary that will be neutrsl who could screeen out any undesired contact and only pass on neccessary stuff.

Have you looked over the Plan B letters?

Welcome to Marriage Buildes, I am sorry you are here, CG. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

p.s. I would also REEXPOSE the OW to her H and any other targets you can think of.

CG, is your husband an alcoholic?
Mulan

I think a reexposure is a definite must. Changing jobs is a definite must. Changing cellphone numbers and deleting her number is a definite must. I think O&H with no more secrecy is a definite must. If all of these are not agreed upon and abided by, I think plan B is a definite must.

YOU DON'T MOVE OUT! He can stay somewhere else. If he refuses, it will only take a couple times of having his [censored] dropped off on the curb for him to get the idea that's he's not welcome in the marriage if he doesn't respect your boundaries. Make it difficult as ****** on him. This is flat out WAR! Brace yourself for battle.

Thank you all for your quick responses. I do believe my husband is an alcohlic. His father was and I've consistently thought that my WH was "a functional alcohlic".

MelodyLane,
I had hoped you would be one of the pros to give your advise. I have always felt your words have so much meaning to all of us novice MB's.

My Plan B letter has been done since November. I have all the finances in order and just need to "DO IT"! But, like Jim indicated, I am very concerned about leaving my home. The vacation home is about 2 hours from here and my commute to work will be horrible, but doable if necessary.

My father just stopped by and wanted me to know that he was informed through my cousin who is a manager at my husbands job that they are still very much involved in the relationship. Holding hands, having lunch together, etc. I feell very used.

It's time to have a talk with OWH. Have you ever spoken to him? You need to enlist his help to monitor them from both sides. Did you ever expose to his employer? What (if anything) did they say/do?

I have never spoken to OWH. I do know his cell phone number and their home number, so I guess that's my next step.

Since my cousin is a manager at the company and knows what is going on, it appears that they don't care about whether their empoyees are "involved". The company is a major airline carrier in Chicago. My cousin has told his mom that they definetly don't hide the relationship from anyone.

Absolutely first step -- TODAY -- is to expose to OWH.
And to WH's daughters.
Who exactly did you expose to before?

CG -- sorry you're here.

CG, can you get him to move out? That will be the first step before you go to Plan B. Will he move out? If not, you should get a legal seperation that will make him move out.

I would expose to the OWH, their employer, and your H's parents. The story needs to come FROM YOU to ensure the correct one is being told. Otherwise, only a spun wayward version gets out. I would also call the OW's parents if you can.

I am sure your H and the OW have told ppl they are seperated at work. Send a letter to Human Resources and ask what they intend on doing about it. Thats ok if they don't do anything about it, it will put pressure on the affair if they know that management is looking at them. It can't hurt anything to do this.

Almost ALL alcoholics are functional alcoholics. Skid row bums are the rare exception, btw.

I agree, the employer does not want to rock the boat. However, if you rock it for them, they might feel the need to do something. If you and OWH's BOTH confront HR they might feel pressure to at least separate them. It is a question of which is more trouble, dealing with you or dealing with them. If you are more trouble, they may wind up on the short end of the stick.

His daughters have known all along and his youngest one has "aided and abeated" him thoughout the affair. She put him on her credit card so I wouldn't see the hotel bills, gift purchases, etc. and even agreed at one point to have the OW move in with her until my WH could get his stuff together to leave.

My WH has been estranged from his mom & entire family for 18 years when his father died. I exposed to his other daughter, several friends of his, my parents (which killed me). They showed up at our house one day when the OW was there. I didn't want them involved at their ages (80 and 78), but I couldn't lie and cover up for WH anymore.

OW mother knows (father dead also) because OWH exposed.

How do you know the OW mother knows?

And what was the OW doing in your house?

Mel,
I really wish husband would leave. He says it's his home too and that he can have "friends" over if he wants (OW) and that I should go.

Legal seperation in IL is all of the divorce docs w/o the judge. It is not a quick process. I would pursue that immediately however once in Plan B. I might as well put the full pressure on him.

Our vacation home is the best choice that I have short term. It would not be easy for him to attempt contact because it is far enough away. I know that everyone says don't ever leave your home, but I can't imagine co-habiting or attempting Plan B with him in the house.

Jim's suggestion about putting his stuff at the curb is interesting. But, is that legal?

I overheard a conversation this summer between OW and WH about her mother disowning her because of her actions.

WH has had OW in my home several times during affair. I have always figured it out and WH has not denied. They have also been together and OW house.

Jim, I agree with the rocking the boat thought. I will ask cousin to get some HR contacts for me. I'm not very close to my cousin (which is obvious by his disregard for me and not communicating the continuation of their affair), but I will try to get some information from him this weekend.

WH will be home from work soon so I will be logging off until later this evening. Thank you all for your suggestions. I appreciate it with all my heart.

I don't know about the legality of putting his stuff at the curb, but you might want to find out if Il is an "alienation of affection" state. That would probably enable curbing his possessions.

Just a thought,
SD

I would then pursue the seperation so you can get him removed from the house. You might even ask your attorney to obtain a restraining order removing him and barring the OW from your home so they can't carry on the affair there.

CG, do not ever, ever allow the OW into your home. Do you understand? That is a grievous act of betrayal in the sanctity of your home. I would get a restraining order against her and if she EVER DARES to darken your doorstep again, I would have her removed by the sheriff, if you dont have a pistol handy.

I am SPEECHLESS that you allowed this to happen and would appreciate it if you would explain to me how you ever came to a place where you would ALLOW yourself to be SO UTTERLY SHAT UPON in your own home. You are well old enough to know better. How do you explain your tolerance for such abuse and disrespect?