I remembered something my daughters told me tonight about being able to locate old friends on myspace. Well, I took this information and looked up not an old friend but the OW. I found her site which she created one month before the PA started with my WH. On her site she says she's single, which she wasn't (not even separated) and that she's ready for some fun. This makes me so sick. She was actively looking for someone who likes the outdoors and takes care of their body, and my H happened to fit the bill. My H has told me all along that she didn't plan to do this, she was neglected by her H and sad. Should I show this to him? Would I just be stirring up the pot by bringing this up? But how in the world can I keep this to myself?

BS - me 39
FWH - 40; EA 9/05-1/06; PA 11/05-12/05
DD1 - 12/11/05
DD2 - 12/17/05
Married 1987

If he is in withdrawl then no. Don't bring it up and put her name in front of his face. He may want to go check it out agian "just to see her face"

Block myspace all together if you can.

well her pic isn't on there - I was grateful for that. I don't want to hurt him, but I know that she used him and he has/had these impressions that he helped her through a rough time, etc. I want to shake him and say LOOK!

I don't like the idea of him having any "good" feelings from the A, and I think he has the totally wrong impression of her.

Where are you two at this point? Dday? recovery?

We've been married 20 years. His EA started 9/05 through 1/06; the PA was 11/05-12/05. DD1 12/11/05 when I confronted him and then DD2 12/17/05 when I found out the real truth. I've gone through counseling. We've moved to another state, but I get the feeling that even though he is sorry for what he's done, he still thinks she was a good person and wife (I don't see how?).

I think that maybe you show it to him. This way you are there with him and after showing him then you block that add.

This is very early for the both of you and you need to try to stay away form A, R, and M talk. Spend lots of time together doing fun upbeat things. Auto shows, plays, concerts, night out to hear live music - just new things.

I think I will show him. I don't like the idea of hurting his self esteem, but he shouldn't be getting any from her anyway, right?

How will this hurt his self esteem?

Is there NC still? You need to keep an eye out for it.

He thinks that she fell head over heels for him and that he was everything her husband wasn't. She was a huge ego builder for him. For him to know that she was looking for ANYONE and that it just didn't happen (she didn't want to do this but he was so irrestistable, as she put it) would probably make him feel horrible. He has always had issues with self esteem and I have worked hard on helping him build it, but it seems that it meant so much more from a stranger than from me, the love of his life.

Have you talked to OWH? You should call him and let him know about her myspace post. Let it be his fight.

Now this is all in the past. What are you two doing to work on your M?

You should be getting to the point where OW is no longer a part of the piture. You and your H should be moving on. So.. maybe show he the post from her and then block it and spend time togther this weekend. You said that you two moved to a new state/town. Must be something new to see and or do in the new town.

You need to be building/growing your M. Is your H coming around to want to work with you on this?

Yes, he is. The thing is, I have a really good memory, or at least when it comes to remembering things my H has said, and I know that's a bad thing. He has gotten so much better at "letting" me get upset when something triggers the A. Up until just a couple of weeks ago he would get so mad at me for getting quiet, or sighing, or anything related to something I saw or remembered regarding his A. We really don't talk about the A anymore, but I am not an actress so when something bothers me, it shows. He's now letting me get through it and then we are able to move on. How do you handle your triggers?

Karma is a better deliverer of such messages than you will be - he knows you don't know her like he does and it has the potential of causing him to defend her once again pointing out all her "nobility".

Consider that "myspace" is used by waywards and OW/OM to attract attention from people who have been hurt and betrayed and also to keep playing "the game" with their affair partners! So please neutralize your curiousity.

The further from the fog he gets, he will discover all on his own the evil that lurks in her intentions.

I know that my husband found that out about the EA-OW - and he had an easier time shutting her out after that than I did. The woman's attempts to break "no contact" were amazing and persistent - for four years!

The more you make her insignificant to you, the faster he will heal too! No more googling, myspace searching or any other kind of research on her. You already know her for the person she is so you don't need to continue researching out those facts.

Don't show it to your WH - show it to the OWH.

I know that I shouldn't bring her up, but it's hard. You're right about making her insignificant.

This whole bad sitch is not about her, but you and your H.

I would love to show it to the OW's H, but they have moved. He and I talked briefly after we found out about the A, and at that point she had not told him the half of it. She went so far as to call my H to make sure I wouldn't call her H. At least that made me feel like he did tell me everything and she was afraid of that. Stupidly I agreed with my H that I wouldn't call him. when I finally did decide to call him, he had changed his number.

You've spoken to the OW?

Does she have her number listed on her website?

You could have a friend call that number, and pose as someone (insurance agent, etc.) trying to find her husband...

Believe me, I've tried so many ways to locate OW and OW's H. Before we moved out of state, they lived two minutes away. They've never had a home phone line, just cells, and they've been changed. I have another issue with a NC letter that my FWH wrote to OW but it never got delivered. I've wrestled with sending that now, or letting it go, but I don't know where she lives anymore.

Bella, your H chose You. your H loves You... i think bringing ow up will be/is LB. i would keep thoughts and information of ow to myself and spend time with H doing things that he enjoys doing with you to get Your mind off of ow; concentrate on your H and M.

btw, when ow/a is discussed, who brings her up?

I don't want to bring OW/A up, but it's hard not to. Nowadays, I don't verbally bring it up, but my reactions to things such at moments in movies and such make it pretty obvious that I'm thinking about it. My FWH told me that wasn't it better that he not think of her at all than to hate her? What do you think?

Bella, I wouldn't suggest bringing up the OW anymore, but you should discuss your pain with him. That is part of radical honesty. Don't lovebust, but discuss it with him.

Don't attack the OW, it will cause him to DEFEND her, as Kayla suggested. He will eventually come to be disgusted all on his own.

JustLetGo, as far as "letting go," that won't be happening until Bella is recovered. It is unrealistic to tell someone to "just let go" before they are recovered. That is not how recovery happens. That takes much longer than a mere year for most. You can't just "get over" such a traumatic shock. This is a traumatic as a rape or the death of a child, one does not just "get over it."

Keep coming here and talking to us, Bella.

Well, my FWH just walked into the room and I had OW's site minimized on my computer, but I didn't show him. I'm thinking maybe somehow I can get an address from her site and send the NC letter and be done with that part once and for all (don't know if that's possible, but hopeful). MY DD20 who has been so supportive might know how to get info from the site. I still don't know what to do.

Bella,

Think about what you posted here. Perhaps they have changed their numbers, moved, become unlisted, etc so that NC can remain intact. Isn't that one of the first things suggested after an A is discovered? There is a reason you can't get their information.

I know, and I guess it's my fault for waiting so long to get the NC letter sent, but there were only a few days between my FWH writing the letter and us moving across the country. And I know I've waited too long and shouldn't have expected them to be at the same address. I guess my timing stinks.

???

Well I'm going to try to get some sleep (been awake since Friday morning). I've been sick the past few days and hopefully I'm just so exhausted now I'll drift right off. Maybe after catching some zzzs I'll be able to think more clearly. I really just want to be happy again.

before I go to sleep, I'll respond to JLG. I really have made progress. I was so devastated at day 1, and still at day 30, day 60, etc. I know I've made progress, with a few setbacks here and there, but I'm still trying everyday. Now I'm going to sleep.

dream happy

Bella:

You need to be talking to your Husband, not tracking down the OW.

My BS would love to hand grenade the OW's house. But she won't.

ANd there are many issues you have not addressed with your WH.

That is why you are sighing and other actions when you trigger with your FWH. These are times that a discussion should be occuring, because it starts to minimize the triggers and build intimacy with your H.

The OW MySpace page may not have been updated for two years. And your H may not know of its existence. But alerting him to it, may not result in intended effect. Think that thru before doing it, ok?

Track down the OW H and let him know of OW's activities on the internet? Sure, why not. And you can get that NC letter delivered. But I would really concentrate on you and your H's relationship.

Because you will see the greatest growth from the effort expended on that.

Mel pointed out that you do not want the WH "defending" the OW. You may perceive that the OW just poached your H. I would like to think that that is what happened in my case. It isn't. It isn't in your H's case either. I didn't realize the road I was on until it got to deep. And when I realized it, I didn't turn around. My choice. Just like your H. But if you discuss with your H the reasons he went past those signposts, you can get to a better place in your M with your H. And find out what it is that he needs, and that OW provided to allow him to ignore the signs.

Your desire to pursue OW now, and to prove to your WH, "See, it wans't your fault" indicates to me that much work needs to be done in recovery. And focusing on OW is preventing some of it.

Just my .02

R u both reaady to find closure? Want to know how?

L.

No, its not like she is at Day 1 at all. She is right where she is supposed to be. It takes 18 months to 24 months to get through this. One does not just get over it.

Have you ever been through this yourself?