This is a bit of an old classic I suppose...

I've been extremely happily married to my wife for coming up on 4 years now. We are absolutely perfect for each other in almost every way. We have a bit of a problem in the "bedroom department", which we talk about and are trying to work on - however, it has been leaving me feeling a bit frustrated and bitter. We are dealing with it tho, it will just take time and patience.

Then about a month ago a new girl started in my dept at work. I knew I was in trouble about one minute after meeting her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I was was instantly infatuated with her. She's pretty much all I think about every day now. I'm not kidding myself into thinking its love or anything - I know it's 100% pure infatuation, nothing more. Doesn't make it any easier tho <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My wife has noticed my mind has been elsewhere lately and it came to a head last night when she got very upset and confronted me about it. I really wanted to tell her about this girl, but wasn't sure if that was the wise thing to do. So I just made up some excuse about work, which cleared the air and now things are better......until next time. And there will be a next time if I can't sort this out.

What is making this harder is that the new girl at work is making it pretty obvious she likes me. I have no idea how much - maybe she just likes flirting with me a bit and nothing more......maybe she's infatuated with me also.....I don't know. There's definitely "something" there tho, and I'm pretty sure I'm not imagining it as part of my infatuation fantasy world <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> So this is making it even harder to break her spell on me.

And of course the fact I'm feeling a bit frustrated with my sex life right now is also not helping one little bit - it's just helping me feed my addiction to this girl.

So any tips on how I should proceed here? Should I tell my wife about this - we normally talk about everything. Or should I wait and see if I can get this other girl out of my system first and not worry my wife unduly?

I need help here badly - I'm worried I might go and do something that could jeopardies my marriage <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Tippy--


You say that as if you might "accidently" do something.

Anything you do or did since you realized you had an unhealthy infatuation with this woman is intentional. You are in control and making the decisions on your own.

No excuses, no blaming this woman or your wife or anyone else.

How much contact do you need to have with her? Is it essential that you interact with her?

I'm personally mixed on whether or not you tell your wife. If you are both acknowledging "problems" in the bedroom are you both in agreement it's more her or you or both of you? If you both lean toward it being your wife's issue, then you might really freak her out and feed a growing sense of insecurity. On the other hand, she would be the best to help you keep your head in your marriage and this other woman out of mind.

Assuming you can't "avoid" this woman, you have to find a way to deal with her presence.

Whether or not you tell your wife, I think you should put reminders of your wife around you at work. A couple large pictures of her on your desk. I've heard it recommended that you should find a way to work your wife into every conversation with another woman -- make it clear and obvious to her you love your wife and marriage. And I mean obvious. If you have a happy hour or office function, your wife should be there and you should be with her the entire time.

If this doesn't dissolve the "connection" with the other woman on both ends, then you need to see about getting transferred out of her area. This is your marriage, your vow to remain true to your wife. No job is worth risking that.

You've got some tough decisions, but I'm really encouraged by your seeking advice here.

You can do this for yourself, your wife and your marriage.

Then don’t do anything to jeopardize your marriage.

You talk like you could fall into an affair and not have any control over yourself. If you do cross the line it is not because of problems in your marital bed but because you want to make that choice. Read it again; It would be a choice you make to betray your marriage vows and your wife. If your own self control is this weak, get out of that department as soon as possible.

Understand that if you have an affair with this woman you will be setting your wife up for the most devastating blow to occur in her lifetime. Would you do that? Read more about what some of the people here are going through and the damage it has brought their lives and families.

Take a cold shower, attend to your own needs if required that badly and get away from her. Then read what you need to here to address the situation at home.

You have come to the right place if you are willing to listen, read and learn.

I am not experienced here but I have an additional idea to those Artor gave you. Bring your wife into the conversation when you talk to your other colleagues and make it clear that you have your marriage and your family at home. In that way you will "be" a husband both to yourself and to them.

And remember that what you are feeling for this woman is infatuation, not love. You have identified it correctly, now you need to handle it appropriately.

Tippy,
Sorry but you need a 2x4, you make it sound like you could, "oh my gosh", accidentially back into an affair with this girl. I agree w/ Chrisner that it's a matter of choice - you can choose: a) to say nothing to your W (I think you should tell her in a kind way), b) choose to continue to flirt or entertain this fantasy, c) choose to suddenly find yourself in an A and d) do nothing and thereby continue down the wrong road. End result - pain for you and your W. As a BS, it's alot of pain.
Or you can choose to: a) tell you wife, b) deal w/ this flirt head on (like a man), maybe she'll move onto another target. End result - integrity and marriage still intact.

BTW - something about your happy face icons just rubbed me the wrong way, like you thought this was some high school gossip session.

Your life, make choices you can be proud of.

r,
No Way

You have a cheating heart, no doubt. The next step is coming if you don't check yourself NOW.

A. Educate this OW by sending her signals you are not available.
b. Speak about your wife and how much you love her in front of her.multiple times.
c. Put up a NEW PICTURE OF YOU AND wife.

Otherwise, I'm afaid you will learn the hard way.

Good luck.

I know I'm realatively new here and have been the one asking for help, but I have delt with this issue before.

Along with what the others have said:

Dont talk to her about anything other than work. If things do get off work topics work your wife into the convo and never say anything negative about her. Dont ever touch her, never not even a pat on the back, dont let her touch you either. Dont work late alone with her. These rules should be etched in your soul.

If you have to move to a diff dept.

You are going to have to basically be on the verge of rude to her to get the boundaries set up. As long as you dont go totally rude your work relationship should be ok.

If it were me, I'd tell my wife about her and work out a way for them to meet, maybe have W get you from the office for lunch one day. She needs to know who you are working with. If for no other reason than the fact than you know your W knows that you work with an attractive woman and that will help you keep your crap together. And if you do screw up your W will have at least a heads up to bust your A$$, not trying to be rude to you, just honest.
I'm not saying to tell W you have the hots for her, just introduce them.

I'm coming at this from my experience. Before I was M, I was a typical dog ok. When I got M'd I threw all that away and have avoided other women like the plague. Strictly business. Thats probably why I'm hurting so bad that my W hasnt kept the same boundaries. Anyway, thats not to say that I hav never been tempted, but I know I dont want to be like the typical WH that I have seen so many of.

YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG. Dont let this sexual fantasy rule you, you are not a weak minded horny slimeball just looking for some action. Take control of yourself and your life before you really screw it up.

I dont know does this count as a 2x4?

Good luck you can do it.

tippy,

Read this...for starters.
Avoiding an affair

Mark

I envy you right now because you are at a point where you can make the decision right now and walk away from this situation and do the right thing and cling to your wife and your marriage. I wish that I could go back to the point in my life where you are at right now and make the right choice instead of doing the stupidest thing that I have ever done and succombed to having an affair.
Don't do something terrible that you will have to live with and regret for the rest of your life like I have been doing for the past 12 years.
Rock

How about this.

What would you want your WIFE to do in this situation???????

During the course of my M if my FWW did exactly what she expected me to do she would have never had an A.

Do not spend time around her. Do not engage her in conversation.

Have no interaction unless it is necessary!!!!!!

If you knew you were in trouble one minute after meeting her you are not thinking with the right head here.

This is an attraction pure and simple.

The rest of your similarities and infatuation are based off of that attraction.

Unfortunately if she knows your are interested you are stroking her ego and she may like that.

Stop showing any interest. Interact only when you have to.

Then if you have any doubt how repulsive your behavior is just put your wife in your spot and think what your reaction would be.

You wouldn't be happy. It isn't innocent.

wow - you people don't have much faith in me, huh?

My own fault I guess - that last line in my original post came off completely wrong. I certainly don't plan on having an affair. I guess I'm just worried that, in the real world, stuff happens, people are human and weak, and a tricky situation might explode in your face. And before anybody starts lecturing me on how it would all be my fault, well yeah, of course it would be. But I'm not perfect and nobody else is either. I guess what I'm trying to do is reduce the likelyhood of a problem from 1% to 0%, because I love my wife more than anything in the world and the thought of hurting her in any way fills me with sadness. To the person who said I have a "cheating heart", that made me very angry - you don't know me at all, so don't you dare judge me on one post on an internet forum, OK? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Oh, and I'm sorry (and don't mean to be rude) but I can't understand some of things people are saying with these one letter abbreviations. W = Wife I guess. M = marriage? I'm lost with some of the others <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

HERE [color:"red"] <~~~ LINK [/color]

See if you can understand this... grow up and get over your little high school infatuation. You are married and need to act like that. Do you really need strangers to tell you that you sound like a teenage boy? Work on the problems with your wife... she deserves your full attention and get counseling for your obvious immaturity.

MEDC ... sometimes you post in your COP voice

LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I can practically "see" you .... tapping your night stick against the steamy car window parked at lover's lane with 2 underage kids inside .... "Break it up in there"

LOL

nah... the kids I would leave alone so long as they were not getting carried away... the man (or woman) in a car with someone other than his wife... well, he would have a lot of explaining to do at home when officer MEDC called her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You know what was really funny and sad at the same time would be these clowns that would come into Philly for a hooker and getOS in the car... we would pull up... arrest them both and much to the surprise of the man, more than 1/2 of the hookers are really men in drag. The look on the face of the "John" when you tell him this is priceless.

MEDC !!!!

I was on a jury for EXACTLY that situation

Hollywood district court (can you imagine?) ... half the working girls on Santa Monica Blvd are guys in drag ...

Pep

I have seen so many "chicks with sticks" down there that I was shocked that everyone didn't know what was happening. Let me tell you... it wqas always interesting having to frisk them...girl on top, boy on bottom. Most did have their boobs done! Very funny... except for the poor families that were shattered because of it.

I bet that was a funny trial Pep!

Aside from the fact that you are a married man playing with fire....I'd like to ask you what kind of a woman would flirt with a married man?....if she'll do it with you she'd do it to you....show her you respect your marriage and hopefully she will follow suit...if not...then what would you be trading your good marriage for?

Love is a decision...a choice...not just relying on feelings. What does commitment mean for you. What would you want your wife to do the same situation?

Find another job if you can't have only a professional relationship with this woman.

Wonderfully said Trix.

Recognize where your at, you are one step away from doing the wrong thing, and once you've gone there, you have lost your soul. Any excuse is just that,, an excuse.. I know where your at brother, it doesn't help, and you will only feel worse afterwards... Think about it...

Ok I don't have much advice for you tippy on your problem because I found myself where you are now not to long ago. I did not act on what I felt but told my H what I was feeling and now we are working through our problems. However I do have to say that I don't want you to let some of the harsh comments scare you away. You can get lots of help here. They mean well and are trying to be helpful but some need to work on tact. The ones that do most likely have been hurt and are trying to keep you from putting your family though the same pain. So don't take anything that my offend you to heart just take what you need from here and leave the rest and you will be happy you did. I think the best thing you can do is print out EN Q'aires and LB Q'aires and you and your wife should do them together and work on meeting each other's needs and not LBing and it will help you look to your wife and no other. The best feeling in the world is to have your needs met unconditionally and without guilt and the only way to do that is with your wife.

Contrary to what most people on here will have you think. It's normal to find others attractive. You are married not dead. However if you cross the line by making your feelings known and acting on them then you have no one to blame but yourself. Take care and goodluck.

P.S. I would tell you wife in these words. I love you and you are the best thing that ever happened to me but I find myself being attracted to someone else. I am telling you this because we should have no secrets and because I want you to know you can trust me. I know we are disconnected right now but I want to work on our marriage because I don't want to lose you. Do this and you will be a better
man for it.


P.S.S. Just the simple fact that you came here looking for help speaks volumes.

D.I.G.

I have just finished reading all the advice you're getting, tippy, and it is great. Would just add, don't forget the great example from the Bible - Joseph. I'm also remembering what Gary Chapman said on his Love Language videos - something to this effect - "If you get 'the tingles' at the coffee pot for the new girl in the office, that is the day you stop drinking coffee." There is a reason the Bible says to "flee temptation." Don't play around with it, don't argue with it, don't think you can control it, flee from it. I didn't heed that advice. Will forever regret my stupidity and sin.

e2e,

Joseph is a great example for this situation. I would guess that Potiphar's wife was not some ugly old cow of a woman. He ran because he was tempted and knew that he must not cross that line.

In almost every case we are told to resist the devil and he will flee (from us!), but when it comes to sexual sin, we are told to flee ourselves. And we are told that by word and example over and over, like maybe we should pay attention and remember it by now....

tippy,

I'm sorry that you feel that everyone is jumping on your case. We don't mean to come across like that, but we have seen enough pain caused by infidelity to last several dozen lifetimes.

Pep posted a link for you to help you with the abbreviations. I posted one for you to read as well.

I wouldn't suggest that you're a weak person or one of no morals, but like e2e said above, it might be best to give up the coffee, at least right now. The easiest way to not fall to temptation is to avoid it all together. When you find yourself attracted to another woman, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

We can have the best of intentions and be repulsed by the thought of adultery. We can think we are strong enough to resist any temptation that might come along, but you have already identified this woman as a potential problem.

You say the odds are 1% and you want to make it zero. Follow the advice of those who told you to avoid her like the plague. If you must interact with her, only discuss work. Let her know that you have a wife and that you worship her and adore her. Brag about your wife to this girl. Under no circumstances should you ever share anything in the way of details about problems you may be having at home...NEVER. Don't ever speak of anything that may be lacking in your marriage. Don't go to lunch with her, or out for drinks after the day is over. Don't share rides or take a walk during break. Don't be her partner at cards over lunch. Do not sit around after work and compare notes on the day's activities. Do not commiserate with her over management or labor issues.

If she laughs at all of your jokes, stop telling jokes. If you detect that she is flirting with you, ask her to please not flirt as it makes you uncomfortable since you are happily married. If anything you are saying, thinking or doing in regard to this woman you feel you need to keep a secret from your wife, you are doing something wrong and should stop at once. If your behavior would change if your wife was in the room, you have started toward the line if not already crossed it.

When we are thinking rationally, we are not likely to fall, but the day may come when you and your wife had a fight, she is out of town at the in-laws for a week or two, your self esteem may have taken a hit, at work or at home and you could be suddenly very vulnerable. The time to prevent the problem is when there is no problem.

Robin Williams said that the problem with men is that we have two heads and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Make yourself less vulnerable to temptation while you are thinking with the right one...

Mark

Tippy,

Please don’t let some comments of others that might seem harsh, judgmental and untactful drive you away. As someone has said earlier, just the simple fact that you came here looking for help (especially before you made a wrong choice that could jeopardize your marriage) speaks volumes about you and is very encouraging – and should be recognized as such in my opinion. And I think you should be proud of yourself for that.

I want to contribute by giving you the following thread to read (just click on the link):

GROWING THROUGH & DEFEATING TEMPTATION[/b]

I also think you should tell your W about your infatuation in the most kind and tactful way possible. And you should start putting up VERY strong boundaries with this woman (you already received very good suggestions from others in this regard).

Underneath are some extra suggestions on how to keep temptation at arm's length:

[color:"blue"]There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage. But couples who want to protect their unions from infidelity can be mindful of the dangers. To keep a marriage healthy:

[b]* Stay honest with your partner. ''Honesty is the trump card for preventing affairs,'' says Peggy Vaughan, who has studied affairs for more than two decades. Her Web site is dearpeggy.com. ''Make a commitment to sharing your attractions and temptations.'' That helps to avoid acting on them. Dishonesty and deception cause affairs to flourish, Vaughan says.

* Monitor your marriage. ''Realize if there is something missing,'' says psychologist Kimberly Young of St. Bonaventure University in southwest New York state. ''Be willing to try to fix it.'' Assess whether needs are being met.

* Stay alert for temptations. ''Be very careful of getting involved in the first place,'' Young says. ''Know the dangers. You can be drawn to an affair as to a drug. And once you are past a certain point of emotional connection, it is very hard to go into reverse.''

* Don't flirt. ''That is how affairs start,'' says Bonnie Eaker Weil, whose Web site, www.makeupdontbreakup .com, features tips for preventing infidelity. ''Flirting is not part of an innocent friendship. If you think there might be a problem with someone you flirt with, there probably is a problem.''

* Recognize that work can be a danger zone. ''Don't lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time,'' psychologist Shirley Glass says.

* Beware of the lure of the Internet. ''Emotional affairs develop quickly, in maybe a few days or weeks online, where it might take a year at the office,'' Young says. ''There is safety behind the computer screen.''

* Value the intimacy of your marriage. ''Reveal as much of yourself to one another as possible,'' Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman says. ''You will find it less necessary to form an intimate friendship with someone else.''

* Make sure your social network supports marriage. ''Surround yourself with happily married friends who don't believe in fooling around,'' Glass says.[/color]

Blessings,
Suzet

It's human natural to find people attractive. It's your choice to act on it.

Make a point to bring your W to the office and introduce her to the new employee.

Always find a why to include your beautiful loving W when having conversation with your new "co-worker".

What other information might I need? I call it as I see it. I'm sorry you feel this way, but you said all you think about is her.....what else am I missing? You also need to realize this is an internet forum.

Hi tippy -

I'm pretty much just a lurker around here, but your story hit home with me, because it's just the way my XH's affair started. I knew he was infatuated with this woman, but when I questioned him about it he lied. 10 years later the truth came out, prompted by another infatuation. That was a little over three years ago, and our divorce - that he filed for - was final at the end of Jan. I guess he couldn't deal with lying and being unfaithful so the way to deal with it was to get a "do-over" with a new relationship.

If your wife has noticed your distraction, I'd say come clean before it goes too far. Don't start lying and making it worse.

Quote

“My wife has noticed my mind has been elsewhere lately and it came to a head last night when she got very upset and confronted me about it. I really wanted to tell her about this girl, but wasn't sure if that was the wise thing to do. So I just made up some excuse about work, which cleared the air and now things are better......until next time. And there will be a next time if I can't sort this out.”

Doesn’t this level of deception and lies to the wife already define the birth of an emotional affair? To me it does. Just curious.

BINGO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Tippy,

Like the others, I give you credit for seeking help BEFORE you ruin your marriage and family and work environment and relationships with friends who might become involved in the fall-out from what an emotional (and physical) betrayal might produce.

My H never gave a thought to the ripple effect of his selfishness and weakness. But you can. Jump into a time machine and virtually write out the script of this potential fantasy. You will be very thankful that you can step back into reality knowing that it was all a potential nightmare.

Some of us may seem harsh, but ALL of us wish we had that 'time machine' choice. We are now living the nightmare.

Ace