Ok I don't have much advice for you tippy on your problem because I found myself where you are now not to long ago. I did not act on what I felt but told my H what I was feeling and now we are working through our problems. However I do have to say that I don't want you to let some of the harsh comments scare you away. You can get lots of help here. They mean well and are trying to be helpful but some need to work on tact. The ones that do most likely have been hurt and are trying to keep you from putting your family though the same pain. So don't take anything that my offend you to heart just take what you need from here and leave the rest and you will be happy you did. I think the best thing you can do is print out EN Q'aires and LB Q'aires and you and your wife should do them together and work on meeting each other's needs and not LBing and it will help you look to your wife and no other. The best feeling in the world is to have your needs met unconditionally and without guilt and the only way to do that is with your wife.

Contrary to what most people on here will have you think. It's normal to find others attractive. You are married not dead. However if you cross the line by making your feelings known and acting on them then you have no one to blame but yourself. Take care and goodluck.

P.S. I would tell you wife in these words. I love you and you are the best thing that ever happened to me but I find myself being attracted to someone else. I am telling you this because we should have no secrets and because I want you to know you can trust me. I know we are disconnected right now but I want to work on our marriage because I don't want to lose you. Do this and you will be a better
man for it.


P.S.S. Just the simple fact that you came here looking for help speaks volumes.

D.I.G.

I have just finished reading all the advice you're getting, tippy, and it is great. Would just add, don't forget the great example from the Bible - Joseph. I'm also remembering what Gary Chapman said on his Love Language videos - something to this effect - "If you get 'the tingles' at the coffee pot for the new girl in the office, that is the day you stop drinking coffee." There is a reason the Bible says to "flee temptation." Don't play around with it, don't argue with it, don't think you can control it, flee from it. I didn't heed that advice. Will forever regret my stupidity and sin.

e2e,

Joseph is a great example for this situation. I would guess that Potiphar's wife was not some ugly old cow of a woman. He ran because he was tempted and knew that he must not cross that line.

In almost every case we are told to resist the devil and he will flee (from us!), but when it comes to sexual sin, we are told to flee ourselves. And we are told that by word and example over and over, like maybe we should pay attention and remember it by now....

tippy,

I'm sorry that you feel that everyone is jumping on your case. We don't mean to come across like that, but we have seen enough pain caused by infidelity to last several dozen lifetimes.

Pep posted a link for you to help you with the abbreviations. I posted one for you to read as well.

I wouldn't suggest that you're a weak person or one of no morals, but like e2e said above, it might be best to give up the coffee, at least right now. The easiest way to not fall to temptation is to avoid it all together. When you find yourself attracted to another woman, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

We can have the best of intentions and be repulsed by the thought of adultery. We can think we are strong enough to resist any temptation that might come along, but you have already identified this woman as a potential problem.

You say the odds are 1% and you want to make it zero. Follow the advice of those who told you to avoid her like the plague. If you must interact with her, only discuss work. Let her know that you have a wife and that you worship her and adore her. Brag about your wife to this girl. Under no circumstances should you ever share anything in the way of details about problems you may be having at home...NEVER. Don't ever speak of anything that may be lacking in your marriage. Don't go to lunch with her, or out for drinks after the day is over. Don't share rides or take a walk during break. Don't be her partner at cards over lunch. Do not sit around after work and compare notes on the day's activities. Do not commiserate with her over management or labor issues.

If she laughs at all of your jokes, stop telling jokes. If you detect that she is flirting with you, ask her to please not flirt as it makes you uncomfortable since you are happily married. If anything you are saying, thinking or doing in regard to this woman you feel you need to keep a secret from your wife, you are doing something wrong and should stop at once. If your behavior would change if your wife was in the room, you have started toward the line if not already crossed it.

When we are thinking rationally, we are not likely to fall, but the day may come when you and your wife had a fight, she is out of town at the in-laws for a week or two, your self esteem may have taken a hit, at work or at home and you could be suddenly very vulnerable. The time to prevent the problem is when there is no problem.

Robin Williams said that the problem with men is that we have two heads and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Make yourself less vulnerable to temptation while you are thinking with the right one...

Mark

Tippy,

Please don’t let some comments of others that might seem harsh, judgmental and untactful drive you away. As someone has said earlier, just the simple fact that you came here looking for help (especially before you made a wrong choice that could jeopardize your marriage) speaks volumes about you and is very encouraging – and should be recognized as such in my opinion. And I think you should be proud of yourself for that.

I want to contribute by giving you the following thread to read (just click on the link):

GROWING THROUGH & DEFEATING TEMPTATION[/b]

I also think you should tell your W about your infatuation in the most kind and tactful way possible. And you should start putting up VERY strong boundaries with this woman (you already received very good suggestions from others in this regard).

Underneath are some extra suggestions on how to keep temptation at arm's length:

[color:"blue"]There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage. But couples who want to protect their unions from infidelity can be mindful of the dangers. To keep a marriage healthy:

[b]* Stay honest with your partner. ''Honesty is the trump card for preventing affairs,'' says Peggy Vaughan, who has studied affairs for more than two decades. Her Web site is dearpeggy.com. ''Make a commitment to sharing your attractions and temptations.'' That helps to avoid acting on them. Dishonesty and deception cause affairs to flourish, Vaughan says.

* Monitor your marriage. ''Realize if there is something missing,'' says psychologist Kimberly Young of St. Bonaventure University in southwest New York state. ''Be willing to try to fix it.'' Assess whether needs are being met.

* Stay alert for temptations. ''Be very careful of getting involved in the first place,'' Young says. ''Know the dangers. You can be drawn to an affair as to a drug. And once you are past a certain point of emotional connection, it is very hard to go into reverse.''

* Don't flirt. ''That is how affairs start,'' says Bonnie Eaker Weil, whose Web site, www.makeupdontbreakup .com, features tips for preventing infidelity. ''Flirting is not part of an innocent friendship. If you think there might be a problem with someone you flirt with, there probably is a problem.''

* Recognize that work can be a danger zone. ''Don't lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time,'' psychologist Shirley Glass says.

* Beware of the lure of the Internet. ''Emotional affairs develop quickly, in maybe a few days or weeks online, where it might take a year at the office,'' Young says. ''There is safety behind the computer screen.''

* Value the intimacy of your marriage. ''Reveal as much of yourself to one another as possible,'' Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman says. ''You will find it less necessary to form an intimate friendship with someone else.''

* Make sure your social network supports marriage. ''Surround yourself with happily married friends who don't believe in fooling around,'' Glass says.[/color]

Blessings,
Suzet

It's human natural to find people attractive. It's your choice to act on it.

Make a point to bring your W to the office and introduce her to the new employee.

Always find a why to include your beautiful loving W when having conversation with your new "co-worker".

What other information might I need? I call it as I see it. I'm sorry you feel this way, but you said all you think about is her.....what else am I missing? You also need to realize this is an internet forum.

Hi tippy -

I'm pretty much just a lurker around here, but your story hit home with me, because it's just the way my XH's affair started. I knew he was infatuated with this woman, but when I questioned him about it he lied. 10 years later the truth came out, prompted by another infatuation. That was a little over three years ago, and our divorce - that he filed for - was final at the end of Jan. I guess he couldn't deal with lying and being unfaithful so the way to deal with it was to get a "do-over" with a new relationship.

If your wife has noticed your distraction, I'd say come clean before it goes too far. Don't start lying and making it worse.

Quote

“My wife has noticed my mind has been elsewhere lately and it came to a head last night when she got very upset and confronted me about it. I really wanted to tell her about this girl, but wasn't sure if that was the wise thing to do. So I just made up some excuse about work, which cleared the air and now things are better......until next time. And there will be a next time if I can't sort this out.”

Doesn’t this level of deception and lies to the wife already define the birth of an emotional affair? To me it does. Just curious.

BINGO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Tippy,

Like the others, I give you credit for seeking help BEFORE you ruin your marriage and family and work environment and relationships with friends who might become involved in the fall-out from what an emotional (and physical) betrayal might produce.

My H never gave a thought to the ripple effect of his selfishness and weakness. But you can. Jump into a time machine and virtually write out the script of this potential fantasy. You will be very thankful that you can step back into reality knowing that it was all a potential nightmare.

Some of us may seem harsh, but ALL of us wish we had that 'time machine' choice. We are now living the nightmare.

Ace