This is a bit of an old classic I suppose...

I've been extremely happily married to my wife for coming up on 4 years now. We are absolutely perfect for each other in almost every way. We have a bit of a problem in the "bedroom department", which we talk about and are trying to work on - however, it has been leaving me feeling a bit frustrated and bitter. We are dealing with it tho, it will just take time and patience.

Then about a month ago a new girl started in my dept at work. I knew I was in trouble about one minute after meeting her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I was was instantly infatuated with her. She's pretty much all I think about every day now. I'm not kidding myself into thinking its love or anything - I know it's 100% pure infatuation, nothing more. Doesn't make it any easier tho <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My wife has noticed my mind has been elsewhere lately and it came to a head last night when she got very upset and confronted me about it. I really wanted to tell her about this girl, but wasn't sure if that was the wise thing to do. So I just made up some excuse about work, which cleared the air and now things are better......until next time. And there will be a next time if I can't sort this out.

What is making this harder is that the new girl at work is making it pretty obvious she likes me. I have no idea how much - maybe she just likes flirting with me a bit and nothing more......maybe she's infatuated with me also.....I don't know. There's definitely "something" there tho, and I'm pretty sure I'm not imagining it as part of my infatuation fantasy world <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> So this is making it even harder to break her spell on me.

And of course the fact I'm feeling a bit frustrated with my sex life right now is also not helping one little bit - it's just helping me feed my addiction to this girl.

So any tips on how I should proceed here? Should I tell my wife about this - we normally talk about everything. Or should I wait and see if I can get this other girl out of my system first and not worry my wife unduly?

I need help here badly - I'm worried I might go and do something that could jeopardies my marriage <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Tippy--


You say that as if you might "accidently" do something.

Anything you do or did since you realized you had an unhealthy infatuation with this woman is intentional. You are in control and making the decisions on your own.

No excuses, no blaming this woman or your wife or anyone else.

How much contact do you need to have with her? Is it essential that you interact with her?

I'm personally mixed on whether or not you tell your wife. If you are both acknowledging "problems" in the bedroom are you both in agreement it's more her or you or both of you? If you both lean toward it being your wife's issue, then you might really freak her out and feed a growing sense of insecurity. On the other hand, she would be the best to help you keep your head in your marriage and this other woman out of mind.

Assuming you can't "avoid" this woman, you have to find a way to deal with her presence.

Whether or not you tell your wife, I think you should put reminders of your wife around you at work. A couple large pictures of her on your desk. I've heard it recommended that you should find a way to work your wife into every conversation with another woman -- make it clear and obvious to her you love your wife and marriage. And I mean obvious. If you have a happy hour or office function, your wife should be there and you should be with her the entire time.

If this doesn't dissolve the "connection" with the other woman on both ends, then you need to see about getting transferred out of her area. This is your marriage, your vow to remain true to your wife. No job is worth risking that.

You've got some tough decisions, but I'm really encouraged by your seeking advice here.

You can do this for yourself, your wife and your marriage.

Then don’t do anything to jeopardize your marriage.

You talk like you could fall into an affair and not have any control over yourself. If you do cross the line it is not because of problems in your marital bed but because you want to make that choice. Read it again; It would be a choice you make to betray your marriage vows and your wife. If your own self control is this weak, get out of that department as soon as possible.

Understand that if you have an affair with this woman you will be setting your wife up for the most devastating blow to occur in her lifetime. Would you do that? Read more about what some of the people here are going through and the damage it has brought their lives and families.

Take a cold shower, attend to your own needs if required that badly and get away from her. Then read what you need to here to address the situation at home.

You have come to the right place if you are willing to listen, read and learn.

I am not experienced here but I have an additional idea to those Artor gave you. Bring your wife into the conversation when you talk to your other colleagues and make it clear that you have your marriage and your family at home. In that way you will "be" a husband both to yourself and to them.

And remember that what you are feeling for this woman is infatuation, not love. You have identified it correctly, now you need to handle it appropriately.

Tippy,
Sorry but you need a 2x4, you make it sound like you could, "oh my gosh", accidentially back into an affair with this girl. I agree w/ Chrisner that it's a matter of choice - you can choose: a) to say nothing to your W (I think you should tell her in a kind way), b) choose to continue to flirt or entertain this fantasy, c) choose to suddenly find yourself in an A and d) do nothing and thereby continue down the wrong road. End result - pain for you and your W. As a BS, it's alot of pain.
Or you can choose to: a) tell you wife, b) deal w/ this flirt head on (like a man), maybe she'll move onto another target. End result - integrity and marriage still intact.

BTW - something about your happy face icons just rubbed me the wrong way, like you thought this was some high school gossip session.

Your life, make choices you can be proud of.

r,
No Way

You have a cheating heart, no doubt. The next step is coming if you don't check yourself NOW.

A. Educate this OW by sending her signals you are not available.
b. Speak about your wife and how much you love her in front of her.multiple times.
c. Put up a NEW PICTURE OF YOU AND wife.

Otherwise, I'm afaid you will learn the hard way.

Good luck.

I know I'm realatively new here and have been the one asking for help, but I have delt with this issue before.

Along with what the others have said:

Dont talk to her about anything other than work. If things do get off work topics work your wife into the convo and never say anything negative about her. Dont ever touch her, never not even a pat on the back, dont let her touch you either. Dont work late alone with her. These rules should be etched in your soul.

If you have to move to a diff dept.

You are going to have to basically be on the verge of rude to her to get the boundaries set up. As long as you dont go totally rude your work relationship should be ok.

If it were me, I'd tell my wife about her and work out a way for them to meet, maybe have W get you from the office for lunch one day. She needs to know who you are working with. If for no other reason than the fact than you know your W knows that you work with an attractive woman and that will help you keep your crap together. And if you do screw up your W will have at least a heads up to bust your A$$, not trying to be rude to you, just honest.
I'm not saying to tell W you have the hots for her, just introduce them.

I'm coming at this from my experience. Before I was M, I was a typical dog ok. When I got M'd I threw all that away and have avoided other women like the plague. Strictly business. Thats probably why I'm hurting so bad that my W hasnt kept the same boundaries. Anyway, thats not to say that I hav never been tempted, but I know I dont want to be like the typical WH that I have seen so many of.

YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG. Dont let this sexual fantasy rule you, you are not a weak minded horny slimeball just looking for some action. Take control of yourself and your life before you really screw it up.

I dont know does this count as a 2x4?

Good luck you can do it.

tippy,

Read this...for starters.
Avoiding an affair

Mark

I envy you right now because you are at a point where you can make the decision right now and walk away from this situation and do the right thing and cling to your wife and your marriage. I wish that I could go back to the point in my life where you are at right now and make the right choice instead of doing the stupidest thing that I have ever done and succombed to having an affair.
Don't do something terrible that you will have to live with and regret for the rest of your life like I have been doing for the past 12 years.
Rock

How about this.

What would you want your WIFE to do in this situation???????

During the course of my M if my FWW did exactly what she expected me to do she would have never had an A.

Do not spend time around her. Do not engage her in conversation.

Have no interaction unless it is necessary!!!!!!

If you knew you were in trouble one minute after meeting her you are not thinking with the right head here.

This is an attraction pure and simple.

The rest of your similarities and infatuation are based off of that attraction.

Unfortunately if she knows your are interested you are stroking her ego and she may like that.

Stop showing any interest. Interact only when you have to.

Then if you have any doubt how repulsive your behavior is just put your wife in your spot and think what your reaction would be.

You wouldn't be happy. It isn't innocent.

wow - you people don't have much faith in me, huh?

My own fault I guess - that last line in my original post came off completely wrong. I certainly don't plan on having an affair. I guess I'm just worried that, in the real world, stuff happens, people are human and weak, and a tricky situation might explode in your face. And before anybody starts lecturing me on how it would all be my fault, well yeah, of course it would be. But I'm not perfect and nobody else is either. I guess what I'm trying to do is reduce the likelyhood of a problem from 1% to 0%, because I love my wife more than anything in the world and the thought of hurting her in any way fills me with sadness. To the person who said I have a "cheating heart", that made me very angry - you don't know me at all, so don't you dare judge me on one post on an internet forum, OK? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Oh, and I'm sorry (and don't mean to be rude) but I can't understand some of things people are saying with these one letter abbreviations. W = Wife I guess. M = marriage? I'm lost with some of the others <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

HERE [color:"red"] <~~~ LINK [/color]

See if you can understand this... grow up and get over your little high school infatuation. You are married and need to act like that. Do you really need strangers to tell you that you sound like a teenage boy? Work on the problems with your wife... she deserves your full attention and get counseling for your obvious immaturity.

MEDC ... sometimes you post in your COP voice

LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I can practically "see" you .... tapping your night stick against the steamy car window parked at lover's lane with 2 underage kids inside .... "Break it up in there"

LOL

nah... the kids I would leave alone so long as they were not getting carried away... the man (or woman) in a car with someone other than his wife... well, he would have a lot of explaining to do at home when officer MEDC called her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You know what was really funny and sad at the same time would be these clowns that would come into Philly for a hooker and getOS in the car... we would pull up... arrest them both and much to the surprise of the man, more than 1/2 of the hookers are really men in drag. The look on the face of the "John" when you tell him this is priceless.

MEDC !!!!

I was on a jury for EXACTLY that situation

Hollywood district court (can you imagine?) ... half the working girls on Santa Monica Blvd are guys in drag ...

Pep

I have seen so many "chicks with sticks" down there that I was shocked that everyone didn't know what was happening. Let me tell you... it wqas always interesting having to frisk them...girl on top, boy on bottom. Most did have their boobs done! Very funny... except for the poor families that were shattered because of it.

I bet that was a funny trial Pep!

Aside from the fact that you are a married man playing with fire....I'd like to ask you what kind of a woman would flirt with a married man?....if she'll do it with you she'd do it to you....show her you respect your marriage and hopefully she will follow suit...if not...then what would you be trading your good marriage for?

Love is a decision...a choice...not just relying on feelings. What does commitment mean for you. What would you want your wife to do the same situation?

Find another job if you can't have only a professional relationship with this woman.

Wonderfully said Trix.

Recognize where your at, you are one step away from doing the wrong thing, and once you've gone there, you have lost your soul. Any excuse is just that,, an excuse.. I know where your at brother, it doesn't help, and you will only feel worse afterwards... Think about it...