What does it take for a (wo)man to change? Affairs necessary?!? - 10/20/07 03:55 AM
Let me start with an analogy. I have heard of certain types of trees in the forest that require the immense heat of a forest fire to sweep through and scorch the earth before that seed pod will burst open to become fruitful and multiply.
In more human terms I think the bible and many other quotes have a common theme that says it is in our failures and our trials that we grow. That is where are character is formed.
You can read my story at: (Hopefully) Entering No Contact Stage, but let me say that I am the betrayed husband who has had a tough wake up call. My Dday was 7/30/07. The very next day I started praying for the first time ever. I am still praying everyday (its working!!) that the recognition of my old ways and the changes I am implementing will be enough for my F(?)WW to decide our 16 year marriage is still worth it. Her status is NC (so far 1 week), in withdrawal and seaching for herself.
During this horrific ordeal, I have had many revelations and epiphanies and answers to prayers and answers from counseling and on and on. I have realized how element A (like pornography) and element B (imprints from my father) and so many more, have produced behaviors and ways that I treated my wife that were making her unhappy. Very unhappy. In talking with many people about my situation and getting feedback, everyone is glad for me, including my wife, and they see I am a better person now because of these changes that have taken place in my character in only 10 weeks. I still don’t see her wearing her ring or saying she is committed to us again but for this topic that is not my point.
This may sound very strange for newbies here but I have thanked God for this ordeal. It has opened my eyes to the changes I needed to make in my life to become the person I need to be, the servant-leader of my family, my wife's partner and intimate soulmate and an engaged father. And let me say that I wasn't doing a terrible job: I make decent money, I am in shape, I love my kids, my parents are still together, I still talk to my sister, etc etc. But I wasn't listening, deep listening, to my gorgeous, beautiful, sexy, smart, loving wife.
In conversation with another woman who is having a difficult time too of getting her husband to see what and how she needs him, she asked me how can she get him to really GET IT?? To open his eyes and hear in his heart what she is trying to tell him that she needs?? She is trying to show him the potential!
And I don't have that answer. So thats what I hope some of you can help answer. How do you get someone to WAKE UP and smell the coffee?? How do you get them to realize the potential they are missing? My own selfish ways changed very little in 16 years of my wife trying to get me to understand her needs. And let me say that her biggest attraction to me is how smart I am (her words) so its not that I am dumb, but I certainly wasn't being smart about how to have a great marriage!! Only through this aweful terrible painful, brick in the groin, heart being ripped out, waking up in the middle of the night wailing trial have I found inspiration.
One very important point I would like to make for people on this “Oh I wish I wasn’t here” discussion forum is this: I was missing the mark with her emotional needs. I really like W. Harley’s EN principals but I do believe that for newbies, The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Smalley is much easier to digest. My wife was complaining often that I wasn’t helping her with household chores, dinner, kid’s needs, etc. In the 5 LOL, he identifies one of them as Acts Of Service. And guess what, I started doing those things and presto, my wife started to reconsider her path to divorce! In the book Gary Smalley tells how he counsels a husband who doesn't understand why it matters if he helps her do laundry. Gary says "The way you feel loved when she has sex with you is the way she feels love when you help around the house! Bingo! The husband says, "Bring on the dirty laundry." Thats the kind of epiphany that so many of us need in our marriages. Hopefully before we have to come here in pain and agony.
I have been told that this same thing happened in my in-laws marriage years ago. She was so unhappy she had an affair. He woke up, she reconsidered, still together today! I think this pattern can apply to either gender but mostly its guys ignoring the girls. But why does it take such terrible actions to produce the desired results. Why does it take an affair? Why can't we wake up and figure it out without all the pain and suffering. That would be very proactive. Something thats hard for humans to do. I guess the sharpest swords require the hottest fires no?
Let me add my list of books that have given me tremendous help:
It's (Mostly) His Fault by Robert Alter
The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Smalley
Just for Men by Jeff Feldhahn (Just For Women too by his wife)
of course HNHN by Dr Harely
For Better For Worse For Keeps Bob Moeller
In more human terms I think the bible and many other quotes have a common theme that says it is in our failures and our trials that we grow. That is where are character is formed.
You can read my story at: (Hopefully) Entering No Contact Stage, but let me say that I am the betrayed husband who has had a tough wake up call. My Dday was 7/30/07. The very next day I started praying for the first time ever. I am still praying everyday (its working!!) that the recognition of my old ways and the changes I am implementing will be enough for my F(?)WW to decide our 16 year marriage is still worth it. Her status is NC (so far 1 week), in withdrawal and seaching for herself.
During this horrific ordeal, I have had many revelations and epiphanies and answers to prayers and answers from counseling and on and on. I have realized how element A (like pornography) and element B (imprints from my father) and so many more, have produced behaviors and ways that I treated my wife that were making her unhappy. Very unhappy. In talking with many people about my situation and getting feedback, everyone is glad for me, including my wife, and they see I am a better person now because of these changes that have taken place in my character in only 10 weeks. I still don’t see her wearing her ring or saying she is committed to us again but for this topic that is not my point.
This may sound very strange for newbies here but I have thanked God for this ordeal. It has opened my eyes to the changes I needed to make in my life to become the person I need to be, the servant-leader of my family, my wife's partner and intimate soulmate and an engaged father. And let me say that I wasn't doing a terrible job: I make decent money, I am in shape, I love my kids, my parents are still together, I still talk to my sister, etc etc. But I wasn't listening, deep listening, to my gorgeous, beautiful, sexy, smart, loving wife.
In conversation with another woman who is having a difficult time too of getting her husband to see what and how she needs him, she asked me how can she get him to really GET IT?? To open his eyes and hear in his heart what she is trying to tell him that she needs?? She is trying to show him the potential!
And I don't have that answer. So thats what I hope some of you can help answer. How do you get someone to WAKE UP and smell the coffee?? How do you get them to realize the potential they are missing? My own selfish ways changed very little in 16 years of my wife trying to get me to understand her needs. And let me say that her biggest attraction to me is how smart I am (her words) so its not that I am dumb, but I certainly wasn't being smart about how to have a great marriage!! Only through this aweful terrible painful, brick in the groin, heart being ripped out, waking up in the middle of the night wailing trial have I found inspiration.
One very important point I would like to make for people on this “Oh I wish I wasn’t here” discussion forum is this: I was missing the mark with her emotional needs. I really like W. Harley’s EN principals but I do believe that for newbies, The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Smalley is much easier to digest. My wife was complaining often that I wasn’t helping her with household chores, dinner, kid’s needs, etc. In the 5 LOL, he identifies one of them as Acts Of Service. And guess what, I started doing those things and presto, my wife started to reconsider her path to divorce! In the book Gary Smalley tells how he counsels a husband who doesn't understand why it matters if he helps her do laundry. Gary says "The way you feel loved when she has sex with you is the way she feels love when you help around the house! Bingo! The husband says, "Bring on the dirty laundry." Thats the kind of epiphany that so many of us need in our marriages. Hopefully before we have to come here in pain and agony.
I have been told that this same thing happened in my in-laws marriage years ago. She was so unhappy she had an affair. He woke up, she reconsidered, still together today! I think this pattern can apply to either gender but mostly its guys ignoring the girls. But why does it take such terrible actions to produce the desired results. Why does it take an affair? Why can't we wake up and figure it out without all the pain and suffering. That would be very proactive. Something thats hard for humans to do. I guess the sharpest swords require the hottest fires no?
Let me add my list of books that have given me tremendous help:
It's (Mostly) His Fault by Robert Alter
The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Smalley
Just for Men by Jeff Feldhahn (Just For Women too by his wife)
of course HNHN by Dr Harely
For Better For Worse For Keeps Bob Moeller