I told her yesterday... We are both broken-hearted - 10/24/07 06:39 PM
****previously posted on Just Found Out and Recovery****
Hi,
I'll try to keep this short. This year I made the biggest mistake of all my life: I had an affair. My marriage has always been difficult, but this makes things much worse.
It started with me switching careers and trying my hand at auto sales. I'm an artist / geek kind of guy and this proved to be quite a challenge. That's where I met the OW, S. She started working there a little after me, was an international student and about the same age as me. She was (and is) a very seductive woman.
I tried to avoid it as much as I could. I didn't have her phone number for 3 months. I defended my marriage in emails. But she wouldn't stop. Eventually she started talking about sex through many text messages and I got tempted. I couldn't control myself... I felt like I was in a fog, like I couldn't really see things.
I kissed her twice. And then, 2 days later, I told my wife.
She was destroyed. It was such a horrible feeling. Of course, she asked me to quit but I couldn't quit. I needed the money and I felt like a failure for quitting. I stayed there.
All I needed was to know that the OW was "ok". I tried to make sure she would go on with her life, but she started lashing at me, attacking me and my marriage. I started feeling guilty - a horrible feeling and one that I'm vulnerable to. Against my wife's wishes, I decided to be "a friend" and follow her from a distance.
As soon as S. saw that I wouldn't fully block her, she started on the sex again. My marriage was hurt from the A already, so things were very complicated at home. The lies started small... I didn't tell my wife that S. was talking to me through text messages. I thought I could handle it myself. Now I know that I have a problem trusting women (I have this deep seated fear of being hurt) and that prevented me from being honest. At this point, I still thought that I would keep control and stay away from her.
I would see S almost every day at the dealership. We texted. And eventually I started seeing her after work to "talk". I swear I wanted to be a friend to her, to make sure I didn't destroy her life or something like it... But she pulled me right back and I fell for it. It's my fault, not having been honest to my wife and my fault to expose us to her again.
S. started saying that we had to have sex. I kept saying no. After a couple of weeks, my resistance faded and we had sex. I felt horrible after that, but I was also falling in love against my will. We started seeing each other about 3 times a week from then on.
While all this happened, I was lying through my teeth to my wife. I didn't know how to handle the situation; I felt cornered. I knew I loved my wife and I kept giving her all the love I had... While, at the same time, leading a double life.
Through couples counseling, my wife became a better wife than she ever was. And I felt guiltier by the minute. I started pulling away from S, trying to break it off. Of course, she didn't want me to so she would have "freak outs" over text and phone, say she was pregnant (which was a lie) and then later theaten to tell my wife. She would say "I need to talk to her and show her how horrible you are. Then I'll confort her in her pain".
Every time I tried to walk away, she'd pull me right back. Through guilt, emotional and real blackmail. And when I gave up, she would "play nice" again. I had no idea how to deal with it.
6 months later, I finally decided to leave the job. I quit on a Saturday and saw S. again, just to talk, on Monday. This was 2 weeks ago and I told her I wanted to move on and focus on my marriage and on my career.
But S. wouldn't have it. Soon the blackmail started again. She started terrorizing me with the same lies and threats. So, yesterday, I decided to come clean and give this a full break. I couldn't handle the pain, the guilt, the fear. I wanted to do what's right.
I told my wife. She was speechless and very hurt. I'm hurting like ****** too. She talks about separating, but I'm begging her not to leave me. I want to redeem myself and make it right again, whatever the cost.
Yesterday still I started a "full disclosure" process. I gave my wife all my passwords, closed the hotmail account I used to use to communicate with S. (in front of my wife), changed my cell phone number. I will give my wife full access to my life so that, hopefully, I can recover her trust.
We have an emergency session at 3 PM today. I want to rebuild this marriage... I'm not a liar and I hate to have acted like one for the last 6 months. I truly love my wife and it kills me to have hurt her like this.
Thanks for reading this (now) very long post...
Luis
Hi,
I'll try to keep this short. This year I made the biggest mistake of all my life: I had an affair. My marriage has always been difficult, but this makes things much worse.
It started with me switching careers and trying my hand at auto sales. I'm an artist / geek kind of guy and this proved to be quite a challenge. That's where I met the OW, S. She started working there a little after me, was an international student and about the same age as me. She was (and is) a very seductive woman.
I tried to avoid it as much as I could. I didn't have her phone number for 3 months. I defended my marriage in emails. But she wouldn't stop. Eventually she started talking about sex through many text messages and I got tempted. I couldn't control myself... I felt like I was in a fog, like I couldn't really see things.
I kissed her twice. And then, 2 days later, I told my wife.
She was destroyed. It was such a horrible feeling. Of course, she asked me to quit but I couldn't quit. I needed the money and I felt like a failure for quitting. I stayed there.
All I needed was to know that the OW was "ok". I tried to make sure she would go on with her life, but she started lashing at me, attacking me and my marriage. I started feeling guilty - a horrible feeling and one that I'm vulnerable to. Against my wife's wishes, I decided to be "a friend" and follow her from a distance.
As soon as S. saw that I wouldn't fully block her, she started on the sex again. My marriage was hurt from the A already, so things were very complicated at home. The lies started small... I didn't tell my wife that S. was talking to me through text messages. I thought I could handle it myself. Now I know that I have a problem trusting women (I have this deep seated fear of being hurt) and that prevented me from being honest. At this point, I still thought that I would keep control and stay away from her.
I would see S almost every day at the dealership. We texted. And eventually I started seeing her after work to "talk". I swear I wanted to be a friend to her, to make sure I didn't destroy her life or something like it... But she pulled me right back and I fell for it. It's my fault, not having been honest to my wife and my fault to expose us to her again.
S. started saying that we had to have sex. I kept saying no. After a couple of weeks, my resistance faded and we had sex. I felt horrible after that, but I was also falling in love against my will. We started seeing each other about 3 times a week from then on.
While all this happened, I was lying through my teeth to my wife. I didn't know how to handle the situation; I felt cornered. I knew I loved my wife and I kept giving her all the love I had... While, at the same time, leading a double life.
Through couples counseling, my wife became a better wife than she ever was. And I felt guiltier by the minute. I started pulling away from S, trying to break it off. Of course, she didn't want me to so she would have "freak outs" over text and phone, say she was pregnant (which was a lie) and then later theaten to tell my wife. She would say "I need to talk to her and show her how horrible you are. Then I'll confort her in her pain".
Every time I tried to walk away, she'd pull me right back. Through guilt, emotional and real blackmail. And when I gave up, she would "play nice" again. I had no idea how to deal with it.
6 months later, I finally decided to leave the job. I quit on a Saturday and saw S. again, just to talk, on Monday. This was 2 weeks ago and I told her I wanted to move on and focus on my marriage and on my career.
But S. wouldn't have it. Soon the blackmail started again. She started terrorizing me with the same lies and threats. So, yesterday, I decided to come clean and give this a full break. I couldn't handle the pain, the guilt, the fear. I wanted to do what's right.
I told my wife. She was speechless and very hurt. I'm hurting like ****** too. She talks about separating, but I'm begging her not to leave me. I want to redeem myself and make it right again, whatever the cost.
Yesterday still I started a "full disclosure" process. I gave my wife all my passwords, closed the hotmail account I used to use to communicate with S. (in front of my wife), changed my cell phone number. I will give my wife full access to my life so that, hopefully, I can recover her trust.
We have an emergency session at 3 PM today. I want to rebuild this marriage... I'm not a liar and I hate to have acted like one for the last 6 months. I truly love my wife and it kills me to have hurt her like this.
Thanks for reading this (now) very long post...
Luis