in recovery..but I need to vent... - 01/30/08 01:59 PM
FWH and I have been working on recovery since Nov, and some things have come up that I'm feeling not so good about. I'm sorry this is so long, but I need to vent!
Some things about FWH...he is very PA and struggles w/depression, went through a MLC.
A few weeks ago he came off the AD, which I asked him not to do. I feel like that has contributed to some of the recent issues as when he starts getting down (which he seems to be for the last week) I really see the self-centered behaviors come out.
So here are some of the things that have happened....
Last Fri, he was talking about something work-related. Since he recently started the job, I was asking him about his coworkers, their names and ages and, um, if they were attractive. He seemed uncomfortable. When I asked what was wrong, he told me that my questions did make him uncomfortable and that if I continued "backing him into a corner" each time he talked about work, he would probably start to shy away from telling me about work. He said he wasn't telling me that I couldn't ask him those types of questions but that he was just trying to be O&H about his feelings.
I understood what he was saying, but I was still hurt because I thought part of his "just compensation" was to answer those types of questions even tho they made him uncomfortable. I told him that. He stuck to his position and I stuck to mine so the issue didn't get resolved...
Later that same night, he went to a friend's house. I had discussed my concern that he not stay out too late since we had a big family day planned for the next day.(he has been working a lot lately and has been really wiped.) He said he would be home around 11-11:30pm and that he would check in around 10pm. He never called. At midnight I checked in on him and he said he would be home soon. He didn't get home until 2am. They had played beirut (a freakin college drinking game!) and he had drank too much.
The next morning I told him I was upset and that I felt what he had done was inconsiderate. I told him I thought his telling me that asking about attraction/coworkers was making him uncomfortable was inconsiderate. OK, yes, I got carried away. I started to talk about rebuilding trust, how much everthing had hurt me...
During the argument, when it came up he said the EA, etc, were "inevitable". Talk about reopening the wound! Inevitable? What about 100% not acceptable under any circumstances like he had agreed to earlier?? (He later retracted, apologized and said he doesn't know why he said that, but only because I approached him about it.)
We have talked through all of the issues and we are in a better place, but in general I feel not as optimistic as I did before about how this is going to work out.
I feel as though I have worked hard to make changes, to make fulfilling his needs a priority, do the small things that will make him happy. I see his PA-ness as such a big part of the problem...agreeing to do things that he knows will make me happy and then not being able to follow through on it.
For example, part of his just compensation we had discussed in counseling was to make an effort to ask me on dates, weekly if possible, even if only to go out for a couple of drinks for an hour while we got a sitter. The counselor thought this was something he should do to show me the M was a priority in addition to how important it is for us to spend some time together outside of the house. He has only been able to follow through on this one time. I have told him several times how much it would mean to me if he could follow through on it. He says he loves going out on these dates with me and will follow through...never does...
I'm trying to learn more about PA issues, reading Mulan's links. I want to be patient. FWH does love me, his family, but a part of me wonders, is it always going to be such a struggle?
Some things about FWH...he is very PA and struggles w/depression, went through a MLC.
A few weeks ago he came off the AD, which I asked him not to do. I feel like that has contributed to some of the recent issues as when he starts getting down (which he seems to be for the last week) I really see the self-centered behaviors come out.
So here are some of the things that have happened....
Last Fri, he was talking about something work-related. Since he recently started the job, I was asking him about his coworkers, their names and ages and, um, if they were attractive. He seemed uncomfortable. When I asked what was wrong, he told me that my questions did make him uncomfortable and that if I continued "backing him into a corner" each time he talked about work, he would probably start to shy away from telling me about work. He said he wasn't telling me that I couldn't ask him those types of questions but that he was just trying to be O&H about his feelings.
I understood what he was saying, but I was still hurt because I thought part of his "just compensation" was to answer those types of questions even tho they made him uncomfortable. I told him that. He stuck to his position and I stuck to mine so the issue didn't get resolved...
Later that same night, he went to a friend's house. I had discussed my concern that he not stay out too late since we had a big family day planned for the next day.(he has been working a lot lately and has been really wiped.) He said he would be home around 11-11:30pm and that he would check in around 10pm. He never called. At midnight I checked in on him and he said he would be home soon. He didn't get home until 2am. They had played beirut (a freakin college drinking game!) and he had drank too much.
The next morning I told him I was upset and that I felt what he had done was inconsiderate. I told him I thought his telling me that asking about attraction/coworkers was making him uncomfortable was inconsiderate. OK, yes, I got carried away. I started to talk about rebuilding trust, how much everthing had hurt me...
During the argument, when it came up he said the EA, etc, were "inevitable". Talk about reopening the wound! Inevitable? What about 100% not acceptable under any circumstances like he had agreed to earlier?? (He later retracted, apologized and said he doesn't know why he said that, but only because I approached him about it.)
We have talked through all of the issues and we are in a better place, but in general I feel not as optimistic as I did before about how this is going to work out.
I feel as though I have worked hard to make changes, to make fulfilling his needs a priority, do the small things that will make him happy. I see his PA-ness as such a big part of the problem...agreeing to do things that he knows will make me happy and then not being able to follow through on it.
For example, part of his just compensation we had discussed in counseling was to make an effort to ask me on dates, weekly if possible, even if only to go out for a couple of drinks for an hour while we got a sitter. The counselor thought this was something he should do to show me the M was a priority in addition to how important it is for us to spend some time together outside of the house. He has only been able to follow through on this one time. I have told him several times how much it would mean to me if he could follow through on it. He says he loves going out on these dates with me and will follow through...never does...
I'm trying to learn more about PA issues, reading Mulan's links. I want to be patient. FWH does love me, his family, but a part of me wonders, is it always going to be such a struggle?