reverse babble if you are done (friend) - 07/04/08 12:57 PM
I need help for a friend of ours but first a little background on them and our relationship with them. They have been together for about 5+ years. DH has known him through work for about 8 years. I never met him until about 6 years ago. (He was living across state and DH would work with him on jobs here and there) He lost his job and was self destructing (drinking and angry man) DH kept in contact and when a job opened up over here he hired the guy. The friend did a 180 and was a great worker and became a happy person. He credits my DH for saving his life and looks up to my DH. Then he met his wife and they started dating. I met this friend just before he started dating her so I have known her all the time they have been together. At first they were in the honeymoon phase of dating but then some cracks started to show. (IMO the relationship was built more on a sexual attraction than things in common and true friendship) They got engaged and then married in May of 2005. They had a son the next year. The cracks were always there but DH and I were hoping somehow they would figure it out and make it through. After the baby things seemed a little worse but when we got together we had fun and they seemed happy. They BOTH are HM and I have to admit she does drive me crazy sometimes but so doesn't he. But they mean well so I get along with both for the sake of my DH.
I got a call from the wife yesterday. I did notice she had called my cell twice and the house once early morning but didn't call her back. To be honest she usually calls because she needs something. So I figured I would call her later that evening because we were heading out to the movies in an hour. She called my cell again and something told me to answer. Then she dropped a bomb on me. She found out he has been having an affair for almost a year and 1/2. Just an FYI this guy is one of those intolorant Affair people. We had a mutual female friend who was married to an abusive [censored]. They separated and were on the way to divorce when she met and yes started dating another mutual friend of DH and this other guy. He read her the riot act. So I was shocked about the news but thank goodness I had found this website over a year ago when the same thing happened to another (well actually 2) other friends. One of those marriages is recovering the other ended.
So the wife was suspicious and all the signs were there but she had no evidence and she knew how strong he felt about Adultry (blah blah blah). He had given her his password for his e-mail many years earlier when they were good. He didn't change the password so she checked it last week and there it was. Through over a year of discusting e-mails she realized he had been leaving home early (read sneaking out when she was sleeping) and going to his OW before work. This woman was his employee until over a month ago when she was suddenly put into another group. He had no reason to give his wife for why it happened but he was angry. Through lots of snooping she now knows a lot of his friends and their wifes knew about this. I assured her DH did not know but I think she realized that anyways because she wouldn't have called me if she thought I already knew. This poor woman was around all these "friends&wives" that knew and never said a word!
Poor DH is really going through a lot of emotion with this. I told him it will take him a while to process it all. He is angry at his friend for betraying his wife but also for betraying him. He used my husband as an excuse in the past and DH didn't even realize it. As DH and I started putting the pieces together it all makes sense. There were countless times DH and friend would have a couple of drinks and talk. Then DH would come home and I would get a call from her several hours later asking if DH had come home yet. DH and I just chalked it up to him staying for a few more(he does have a drinking problem) Also over the past year or so the guys haven't gotten together that often but his friend said he was working long hours. To add to DH's pain he just went through this 2 years ago with another friend and that friendship ended. I (lovingly) pointed out the simalarities of the old friend and this friend. I told him to keep contact low until he figures out what he wants to do about this friendship. DH asked that the wife not let his friend know she called me. In DH's words he said "He is going to have to tell me and I am not letting him off the hook with any BS." Again thank you MB! I warned DH that the friend will try to blame his wife for the Affair and DH is NOT going to let that happen. Oh to be a fly on the wall when the poop hits the fan!
So here is my question(finally). Does anyone have reverse babble if you are done. She doesn't want to get into a fight with him but she wants to defend herself. I warned her about the changing of history, saying it was her fault, claiming he has been trying for over a year etc. What I am looking for is the list of crap he will spew and what her response should be but geared toward someone who is NOT trying to save the marriage just trying to protect herself from mean talk and fog babble.
Oh and here is how it ended....He found out she found out when he was served with divorce papers at work. His responce? A text message that just said "Goodbye wife, I am sorry" DH was like "A F@#'n TEXT MESSAGE?!?!?!?!" sigh.....so sad.
I got a call from the wife yesterday. I did notice she had called my cell twice and the house once early morning but didn't call her back. To be honest she usually calls because she needs something. So I figured I would call her later that evening because we were heading out to the movies in an hour. She called my cell again and something told me to answer. Then she dropped a bomb on me. She found out he has been having an affair for almost a year and 1/2. Just an FYI this guy is one of those intolorant Affair people. We had a mutual female friend who was married to an abusive [censored]. They separated and were on the way to divorce when she met and yes started dating another mutual friend of DH and this other guy. He read her the riot act. So I was shocked about the news but thank goodness I had found this website over a year ago when the same thing happened to another (well actually 2) other friends. One of those marriages is recovering the other ended.
So the wife was suspicious and all the signs were there but she had no evidence and she knew how strong he felt about Adultry (blah blah blah). He had given her his password for his e-mail many years earlier when they were good. He didn't change the password so she checked it last week and there it was. Through over a year of discusting e-mails she realized he had been leaving home early (read sneaking out when she was sleeping) and going to his OW before work. This woman was his employee until over a month ago when she was suddenly put into another group. He had no reason to give his wife for why it happened but he was angry. Through lots of snooping she now knows a lot of his friends and their wifes knew about this. I assured her DH did not know but I think she realized that anyways because she wouldn't have called me if she thought I already knew. This poor woman was around all these "friends&wives" that knew and never said a word!
Poor DH is really going through a lot of emotion with this. I told him it will take him a while to process it all. He is angry at his friend for betraying his wife but also for betraying him. He used my husband as an excuse in the past and DH didn't even realize it. As DH and I started putting the pieces together it all makes sense. There were countless times DH and friend would have a couple of drinks and talk. Then DH would come home and I would get a call from her several hours later asking if DH had come home yet. DH and I just chalked it up to him staying for a few more(he does have a drinking problem) Also over the past year or so the guys haven't gotten together that often but his friend said he was working long hours. To add to DH's pain he just went through this 2 years ago with another friend and that friendship ended. I (lovingly) pointed out the simalarities of the old friend and this friend. I told him to keep contact low until he figures out what he wants to do about this friendship. DH asked that the wife not let his friend know she called me. In DH's words he said "He is going to have to tell me and I am not letting him off the hook with any BS." Again thank you MB! I warned DH that the friend will try to blame his wife for the Affair and DH is NOT going to let that happen. Oh to be a fly on the wall when the poop hits the fan!
So here is my question(finally). Does anyone have reverse babble if you are done. She doesn't want to get into a fight with him but she wants to defend herself. I warned her about the changing of history, saying it was her fault, claiming he has been trying for over a year etc. What I am looking for is the list of crap he will spew and what her response should be but geared toward someone who is NOT trying to save the marriage just trying to protect herself from mean talk and fog babble.
Oh and here is how it ended....He found out she found out when he was served with divorce papers at work. His responce? A text message that just said "Goodbye wife, I am sorry" DH was like "A F@#'n TEXT MESSAGE?!?!?!?!" sigh.....so sad.