So, here is my story. I am in need of serious advice from people. I am a 30 year old teacher and I have been married for 6 years and with my W for the past 9. About 4 months ago, I fell for OW who is a teacher at my school. Within a little over 3 weeks, we had decided that we had to leave our spouses (she was married for six months) and be together. I told my W and OW told her H on the same night. It was EA until we left our spouses and then became a PE that night. We stayed together for ten days and then I felt like I wanted to go back to my W and so I left the OW in a hotel room and went back to my W. I cried like a baby that whole day and my W was so sweet and compassionate and caring. She took care of me and then the next day I went back to work, where I saw OW. I told my W that I needed space alone to clear my head and she told me to do whatever I needed to make myself better. I lived in a back house alone for two days and then contacted OW and she spent a few days with me and my W had no idea. Then I met with my W and told her that I wanted a D. I then semi-moved in with OW, but felt unsure of myself and sad. I called my W a lot and talked with her and it felt good to be in contact with her. I then told the OW that I wanted to be back with my W and so I started sneaking around W’s house leaving anonymous love notes, clues, etc. She caught me one morning and asked what I wanted. I told her I wanted to be with her forever. We moved back in together. She wanted me to quit my job, but I said I couldn’t. I then started seeing OW at work in passing and more and more wanted to contact OW. My W really wanted me to quit my job and I started to purposely distance myself from my W. At this point, my W started reading from this website and she wanted me to go with plan A, but I jumped on the plan B alternative, saying I still needed time to think. Meanwhile, the OW and I started contacting each other via email at work. Weirdly, once my W and I decided that I should move out, we started cuddling with each other at night and I felt oddly close to her and like I wanted to show her my love for her. But, I was also contacting OW and telling her that I needed to end my M if I ever was going to be with her. However, OW and I were also sending sexual emails back and forth and it was exciting, but I also felt terrible for doing it. The whole time, my W was reading my emails. After I moved out and was living in our old house (during the time we were trying to reconcile, we moved into another place and once we decided on Plan B, I stopped moving my stuff – clothes mainly – and stayed in the old house we were renting), I sent a reply email to the OW about celebrating her birthday and how I loved her and mentioned something sexual. My W read this email and called me over to her new place. She was furious and told me that she wanted a Divorce. I couldn’t say anything. She was right. I had lied and cheated and I was a terrible husband and I kept hurting her and I couldn’t quit my job and re-devote myself to her. So, the next day at school I was served D papers. In a way, I was secretly hoping that she would divorce me because I was not man enough to do it. That was two weeks ago. I have been in contact with the OW and we have had dinner and been intimate a couple times. I can’t decide if my wife was right – am I addicted to the OW? Now, the OW is worried I am pulling away from her, because I have been. I have been so sad the past week. I cry (full-on sobs, fall to the ground in pain crying) two to three times a day. I keep picturing everything that has happened and it feels me with the most terrible pain. I love my W so much and for some reason, I did all this horrible stuff to her. Our M, pre-A was good. I kept everything bottled up though so she had no idea what was going on with me and she is still reeling from me leaving her for OW. I am at the point where I am contemplating quitting my job and begging for my W to take me back. I get very sad when I think about it though because of how hard and uncomfortable it will be. I also think about how everyone tells me to leave my W alone and that we both need to move on. I worry that I would quit my job and go back to my W and she would not take me back. Or, our M would be too damaged to repair. I worry about her family and friends hating me forever and having to be around them. I worry about quitting my job and disappointing my students and the other teachers that would have to pick up my slack. I also worry about quitting my job during a recession. At times I think I should not go back to my W and beg for forgiveness unless I am 100% sure that I do not love the OW. Sometimes, I feel like I really love the OW and I am afraid that I will ruin a future life with her if I stop contacting her. Am I just grieving the end of my marriage and that is why I am entertaining the idea of quitting my job to return to my wife? I go to therapy twice a week (for the past month and a half) and I see no improvement. I am still scared and pathetic, sad and confused. I am so mad at myself for everything I have done to my W. I worry about her all the time and I feel like I want to keep her from anymore pain and go back to her. But, what if I cause more pain? What if she needs me to go away and not bother her so she can get stronger? She did file for D, so I don’t even know if she would take me back even if I quit my job, and then I could be without a job and without a home, without a wife. I know that had I not met the OW, we would be happy still and I would still be bottling things up and not talking to her about my EN’s, but she would not be hurt, and I would not hate myself like I do now. What do I do? How do I get past what I have done?

It's a damn shame people like you are in charge of children.

Here is the classic reason why NC is such an important rule in recovering from adultery. There are many marriage advisors out there who are still so deluded as to think adultery partners can continue to work together. But here we see the folly in that so clearly. Dr. Harley is one of the few who have it EXACTLY RIGHT-no contact for LIFE! This guy wants to commit to his wife, until the instant he sees OW, then his resolve shatters.

Stick around and you will get some good advice.

I know in my heart that I should not post to you. However, I had a loving marriage, although I did not pay attention to my wife's emotional needs because we were chasing 2 homes, 2 new cars, the everday dream of material life.

So, along came a person like you and my wife fell deeply in love with him and moved out.
Abandoned me and our dreams, cared less about memories, money, kids, cats, put me in a garbage bag on dropped me off at the curb when she left.

Understand this...I still love my wife and have followed the plans, studied any and everything I could get my hands on wanting to "fix" my marriage....but a person who is probably just like you...has convinced her that he is capable of loving her more that her husband of 18 years. He is an incredible selfish person...JUST LIKE YOU!

The pain that you are causing your family, especially your wife, is unlike any pain you will ever endure....no correction....divorce your wife and continue on with this OW and someday you too will expierence the pain that affairs cause.

I have no advice for you other than GRACIOUSLY agree on whatever your wife wants to divorce you.
Take it like the man you should be, not the child that you are currently.

If you are serious about ending your A, quit your job and stop acting like a pathetic loser. If your BW reads here I'd be more interested in her side of the story as you are fogged up to your eyeballs and can't tell your head from your [censored]. Will she post? If BW wife filed for D then perhaps she has reached her limit of you spitting in her face over and over.

I think we should add this post to the notable post thread. I don't know that I've ever seen a more incomprehensible train of thought - definitely shows the inside of the mind of a wayward.

me, me, me

I, I, I

Where is the part where you give a dayum about your FAMILY???

Oh.

Yeah.

You forgot about that because of the thrill of getting tail that WASN'T your wife.

sad,
Everything you've said is centered around how the consequences of your A will affect your personal, professional, and emotional state. Being selfish is the last thing you should be doing. You were being selfish by playing with your BW's heart and mind.
Sweet

What's more is that you twisted the intent of this site and the plans posted here in order to gaslight your wife into believing your sorry buttocks and to get laid some more.

Holy.

Cow.

What are you going to do to make yourself into a REAL man?

We've got the know how, but until you are able to think with the big head instead of the teeny one, you are SOL for the rest of your life buddy boy.

First things first. You are a walking billboard for why people should not commit adultery. To your credit, you have summed it up perfectly what a horrible position this act of selfishness has put you in.

Secondly, clean up your post. Break it down into shorter paragraphs so those of us with failing eyesight can read it more easily. You will get more responses.

Lastly, you need to chit or get off the pot! You need to get rid of your counselor, who has been taking your money and helping you how? Think about calling the Harley's to get your head on straight.

What do you really want? If it's your W, then you need to take some heavy duty actions to convince her that's what you want. Start with NC with the OW. Quit your job. Apologize profusely. Do joint counseling. Meet your W's EN's. Apologize to the OW's H. Go to church. Get a new job.

Take full responsibility for what you have done, and the aftermath. Then make the necessary changes to make up for what you've done.

Sitting around wringing your hands will get you nowhere. Taking the proper ACTIONS to make up for what has transpired will move you forward.

Good luck

I'm curious about a couple of things you said. Can you clarify, please?





You said you were sending sexual emails back and forth and your wife was reading them.

You were apparently still at home then.

Okay...then you said you sent an email with a sexual overtone and your wife read it and wanted a divorce.

Was your wife NOT upset about the previous sexual emails? Or was it because you were still at home so they didn't bother her as much while the other sexual email was sent while you were not at home?

Thanks in advance for clarification,

Charlotte

Thank God you do not have children together. She was lucky to get out while she did and leave you to your mistress.

Hopefully you can learn a lesson from this mistake so you don't make the same mistake in the future. I would request that you WARN any future potential wives that you have adultery in your past and it destroyed your marriage. They will need to know this.

Have you been tested for STDs?

Also, in case you are thinking about marrying your adultery partner, keep in mind that what she did with you, she will do to you. Affair marriages have an 80% failure rate.

"Within a little over 3 weeks, we had decided that we had to leave our spouses (she was married for six months) and be together"

YIKES!!!!!!!!! Sounds like you may be SOULMATES.

I suggest you let the divorce go through so your wife can find someone who deserves her.

This question is infuriating!
"GET PAST" ???????????????

GET PAST ????????????????????

G E T P A S T

Are you nuts? :crosseyedcrazy:

You can't "get past" this. You endure, you learn, you change, you suffer (poor you :RollieEyes:)

same as "move on" .....

no way Jose' ..... this is your life - you can't "get past" your choices - na-uh!

Call the Harleys if you want to save your marriage.

Choose one, and stick with it. If you choose wrong, well, you made your bed, now time to lie in it (no doubt, alone).

When I read this post, I just sat here in stunned silence (silence is not one of my strong suits btw. ) Out of frustration, I actually flicked my computer screen (voodoo anyone?)

All I could think was.......karma.

Karma, karma, karma, karma......hmmmmmm

I think this song was written by SadWH.


Desert loving in (MY)your eyes all the way
If (YOU) I listen to (MY)your lies would you say
Im a man without conviction
Im a man who doesn't know
How to sell a contradiction
(I)You come and go
(I)You come and go

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon
(I)You come and go
(I)You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green

Didn't (YOU) hear (THE) your wicked words every day
And (I) you used to be so sweet I heard (MYSELF) you say
That (OW) my love was an addiction
When we cling our love is strong
When (I) you go (I'M) youregone forever
(I)You string along
(I) You string along

Every day is like a survival
(OW is) Youre my lover not my rival
Every day is like a survival
(OW is)Youre my lover not my rival

Im a man without conviction
Im a man who doesnt know
How to sell a contradiction
(I)You come and go
(I)You come and go


Sad, I hope you get all the KARMA you deserve.

Beam

I am going to assume for a minute that you are not a troll and are really seeking out helpful advice. If you don't even respond to my post, I'm going to be angry that I wasted all my time responding and trying to help you.


Why would you billing willing to throw away 9 years over just 3 weeks? Let me guess, she started complaining how horrible her marriage and husband were, you started feeling sorry for her, and you wanted to save her. That is the oldest trick in the book. If OW is leaving her husband after just 6 months of marriage, how long do you think it will take before she leaves you for someone else? Your relationship isn't "special." This is OW's MO, and she will continue this pattern throughout her life.


It seems to me that you are trying to justify your PA by saying it was over between you and your BW. Guess what, it obviously wasn't. You are marriage as long as the state deems you married. You can't just break up with your wife for a day, screw OW, come back the next and say you never cheated while you and your BW were together.


Your BW sounds like one heck of a woman. A lot better than say, a woman who would leave her husband after only 6 months of marriage and break up another person's marriage in the process. OW is toxic.


You need to quit your job and never have any contact w/ OW again. Change all your contact info so she can't find you.


You needed space to be able to continue your affair. Space is dangerous in a relationship for someone trying to cut off contact from their affair partner.


You see what I am saying. Space is bad.


You don't know what you want. You only did it to alleviate your guilt over screwing OW while you are married.


You obviously won't be happy without your wife, so you need to do whatever it takes to try and repair your marriage. OW obviously will not bring you happiness. Are you happy? Then why would you continue to see OW while you let your BW slip away?


You can quit your job, and you have to if you ever want to break free of OW and save your marriage.


You need to go to the top of the page and read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts and Question and Answer Columns. You will have a better understanding of what you are going through and what plan A/B is. It's right at the top of the page.


Just more proof that you need to quit your job and change all your contact info, so you can't get sucked back in again.


Your wife sounds like a great person (unlike OW). Why are you leaving her again?


You obviously want both. You can't have both. Your mindset is the same as someone doing drugs, or gambling away their life savings on sports betting. You have a problem and you need to seek out help for it.


Your wife has reached her breaking point. You can still recover your marriage, but the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be. You need to end it w/ OW now and quit your job. Take a leap of faith. Your wife might recognize it and reconsider. But you have to make the first move and prove to your BW that you are done w/ OW and you are serious this time.


How pathetic are you? Look what you have turned into. And while you are to blame, OW shares her portion of the blame as well. OW helped do this to you. She is evil. Just imagine for instance that your brother was married to OW, and she was leaving him for a married man. You would think that she was some kind of home-wrecking slut. You are too close to the situation to realize that, but OW is no good.


Is that a rhetorical question? Of course you are. Look how you've destroyed your life, ruined your job, and betrayed all your morals for some homewrecker. Look at all the relationships you've destroyed. You couldn't do worse if you were an alcoholic meth addict.


You need to pull away from her, and get away from her for good. It won't get any better if you stay with OW. You will feel guilt and shame as long as you are w/ OW until she eventually leaves you for the next guy. End it now before you lose everything.


Then why are you leaving her for some homewrecking slut?


Your subconcious or conscience is telling you to do it. Listen to it. Let her set the conditions and throw yourself at her mercy. She has shown that she didn't want a divorce. You have pushed her to this. Maybe you can pull her back if you can convince her that you are serious this time.


These are all excuses not to do the right thing. You got yourself in this situation and you are going to have to get yourself out. Sure it's going to be uncomfortable. Would you risk giving up a happy life with your wife just because it might be uncomfortable for a while? Man up. Trust me, my family hated my WW when she was cheating on me, but it is just two years later, and my FWW is now a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding. How is that for a turnaround? They'll stop hating you when you stop hurting your BW and start making her happy again.


OW has brought you unhappiness up to this point. Why would it change. OW just left her BH after just 6 months of marriage. These kinds of people tend to do this multiple times. You know those people who have been married like 4 times by the time they are 40. OW is one of them. She is not a good person.


You end it w/ OW. You quit your job. You tell your W that you want her back and will do whatever it takes if she will have you. That is what you do. You won't hurt your wife anymore as long as OW is out of the picture. Your life will suck as long as you never contact OW again. End it first, on your own, and your wife will notice. She may or may not take you back, but she never will take you back until you end it w/ OW. You get past what you have done by doing whatever it takes to help your wife heal from what you have done to her, and put your own needs aside for now.

Dear SadWH--

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm truly sorry that you are hurting, and that you're so confused and conflicted.

I hear your hurt, and I'm empathetic to your pain.

First and foremost, don't feel as though you need to make a decision right away; however, QUIT making promises (to both women) that you can't keep. Broken promises are cruel and unfair (regardless of who is on the receiving end).

It's OK not to KNOW where you're going. It's OK that things aren't clear to you right now. Perhaps you should simply focus on yourself for a while-- SEPARATE yourself from BOTH WOMEN. Maybe your mind needs to focus on your own voice (as opposed to the voices of two "squabbling" female voices and/or "well intentioned" co-workers).

Don't you just really want to REST?

IMHO, the only person that should be guiding you right now is an impartial counselor-- one that has your current mental/physical health at the TOP of his/her "concern list."

I'm curious as to what your current counselor has been advising?... are you heeding this advice? and have anti-d's been suggested/discussed? If your current counselor has not offered advice regarding taming your emotions and/or getting a handle on the perceived anxiety I'm picking up on, I'd certainly suggest shopping for another counselor.

I seriously wouldn't worry about the D papers right at this very moment. Don't sign anything, or make any decisions-- including decisions about your JOB-- until you're in a better frame of mind. YOU HAVE TIME to make an informed decision... to get yourself in a better place so that you are comfortable with the decision(s) you will eventually have to make.

For what it's worth, I don't think you should allow other's opinions of you to "rule" your decision(s). Regardless of who/what you eventually choose, one woman (maybe both?... and possibly one set of relatives and/or friends) will not be happy with the decision(s).

Unfortunately, there is NO EASY way out of this, but you can make it easier for all involved by doing your very best to straighten YOURSELF OUT-- on your own-- with professional help.

Best of luck, -Marie

What!!! He's already done enough of this!! He should be focusing on the pain HE caused his wife....not on his emotions.

What!! I do not agree.

SadWH-- If you want to save your M, you should quit your job immediately!! No buts and no ifs...leave your job ASAP.


No you DON't.....you need to act quickly if you do not want your W to kick you to the curb...
Please man up and do what's right!

Angie.

Amen Angie!

Mrs. W

Amen Angie...

And what do you mean OMM..."don't sign" ...if his BW wants out he should let her and GIVE HER everything she wants.

Referring to the wife as a "squabbling female" wasn't very appropriate either.

Mr. Wondering

Marie, he no longer has the "option" of choosing his wife, because he has abused her to the point that she has wisely given up and filed for divorce. He has destroyed his marriage. So it is no longer his to "choose."

But more importantly, shouldn't principles of RIGHT AND WRONG be the guide for his decisions? I agree that others should not be his ruler, but wouldn't common sense dictate that a lack of judgment has got him in this mess and destroyed his life, so it makes no sense to continue such folly? The only opinions that matter are the ones that guide him on the RIGHT PATH, and off of the WRONG PATH.

And I would point out that he CAME HERE SEEKING OPINIONS. And that is what he got.

The poster is not a victim and any "pain" he is enduring is entirely self afflicted. He is the self absorbed rapist who got scratched in the commission of a crime. Sadly, he is oblivious to the pain he has inflicted on his wife, who did not volunteer for this. She is the real victim here.

Most secular counselors are not helpful in that they simply lower standards to accomodate bad behavior. In his case, his sleazy behavior has brought him down. Accepting bad behavior is not the answer. He doesn't need a counselor to know that. He doesn't need a counselor to change his sleazy behavior. He needs to start making good decisions.

As far as focusing on himself for awhile, as you suggest, I would suggest that is part of his problem. He has only focused on himself while his victim lies bleeding on the floor. More of the same is not going to reap a different result.

Hopefully, reading some of the more helpful posts on this thread will get through the fog. But giving sympathy to someone who does not deserve it is unlikely to achieve that result.

There is not much I can say that has not already been said, so I will focus on two things:

1. These people are doing this: :twobyfour: to you for a reason. You betrayed your wife, and you're worried about how this will affect you?

How can you be that selfish? Think of your W! Think of the OWH! How do you imagine they feel?

2. DON'T try to twist the MB principles to your own benefit. These principles are meant for people who want to save their marriages.

Just go to Pep's post "wayward fog disassemble and decoded" for the BEST response to fogbabble ever written on this board and it is addressed directly to this poster (who I doubt we will ever see again here).

Mel--

I would kindly like to point out that empathy and sympathy are not the same...

And, when I used the term "other's opinions" I was referring to the poster's concern regarding how others in his REAL LIFE would react if he made certain choices. Specifically, I was thinking of these (the poster's) words when I wrote that reply:


These are very real, VALID CONCERNS (and yes, I understand that he is having these issues because of his very own actions... but that realization doesn't make his FEARS ANY LESS VALID). I wanted the poster to know that I HEARD HIM (I was speaking directly to HIM). In no way did I mean to give the impression that I was advising the poster to ignore the advice from other posters here on MB.

Moreover, I am not advising the poster to continue on his current path. I am advising that he separate from BOTH WOMEN-- that he gets his head "straight" with the HELP of a GOOD COUNSELOR-- before making any life altering decisions that he may regret.

I will not pretend that I know what's best for him (I don't). But, like you, my intentions in helping are sincere-- and while I may not be popular on this forum, I believe I am capable of helping-- if only to offer an alternative opinion.

Being 10 years post d-day and in a recovered marriage, I feel as though I have so MUCH more to say (specifically regarding manners and tact in regards to differing opinions), but fear this is not the post, nor the place, to voice my opinions.

To the original poster-- I apologize for the thread jack (I did not mean to take away from your request for help).

Namaste', Marie

OMM, I am an FWW, are you? The advice this poster has received can't be topped.

Yes, people showed me empathy when I joined here but NO ONE accepted any bullpucky from me and that was as it should be.

I left my job because the OM was a client there (coincidence). The chances of him coming into my work were very slim but they were there. If he had actually WORKED with me I'd have left even sooner.

Why on earth would he separate from his wife? To make the choice easier? I don't think so. That is TERRIBLE advice.

OMM, I do know the difference between sympathy and empathy and was responding to the inappropriate sympathy in your post here: "I'm truly sorry that you are hurting, and that you're so confused and conflicted."


Hopefully you will agree that you know that continued adultery is NOT what's best for him? Or for anyone. You don't have to pretend to not know that.


Thanks for the clarification, Marie. I also wish you would say more since you are in a 10 year RECOVERED marriage, and missed the opportunity to do so in your previous post.

He needs help and guidance to do the right thing. I don't think sympathy for self inflicted pain along with abuse of his wife is helpful in that regard. Especially with a wayward who seems to be utterly oblivious to the "pain" of his victims. His pain is a much needed consequence of his bad behavior, after all. Not a bad thing, but a good thing.

Thanks for your opinion.

Here is my advice for this man

IF you want to save your marriage - call the Harleys.
If you don't want to save your marriage - release your wife.

WOW.

Pep's translation was awesome!