Amen Angie...

And what do you mean OMM..."don't sign" ...if his BW wants out he should let her and GIVE HER everything she wants.

Referring to the wife as a "squabbling female" wasn't very appropriate either.

Mr. Wondering

Marie, he no longer has the "option" of choosing his wife, because he has abused her to the point that she has wisely given up and filed for divorce. He has destroyed his marriage. So it is no longer his to "choose."

But more importantly, shouldn't principles of RIGHT AND WRONG be the guide for his decisions? I agree that others should not be his ruler, but wouldn't common sense dictate that a lack of judgment has got him in this mess and destroyed his life, so it makes no sense to continue such folly? The only opinions that matter are the ones that guide him on the RIGHT PATH, and off of the WRONG PATH.

And I would point out that he CAME HERE SEEKING OPINIONS. And that is what he got.

The poster is not a victim and any "pain" he is enduring is entirely self afflicted. He is the self absorbed rapist who got scratched in the commission of a crime. Sadly, he is oblivious to the pain he has inflicted on his wife, who did not volunteer for this. She is the real victim here.

Most secular counselors are not helpful in that they simply lower standards to accomodate bad behavior. In his case, his sleazy behavior has brought him down. Accepting bad behavior is not the answer. He doesn't need a counselor to know that. He doesn't need a counselor to change his sleazy behavior. He needs to start making good decisions.

As far as focusing on himself for awhile, as you suggest, I would suggest that is part of his problem. He has only focused on himself while his victim lies bleeding on the floor. More of the same is not going to reap a different result.

Hopefully, reading some of the more helpful posts on this thread will get through the fog. But giving sympathy to someone who does not deserve it is unlikely to achieve that result.

There is not much I can say that has not already been said, so I will focus on two things:

1. These people are doing this: :twobyfour: to you for a reason. You betrayed your wife, and you're worried about how this will affect you?

How can you be that selfish? Think of your W! Think of the OWH! How do you imagine they feel?

2. DON'T try to twist the MB principles to your own benefit. These principles are meant for people who want to save their marriages.

Just go to Pep's post "wayward fog disassemble and decoded" for the BEST response to fogbabble ever written on this board and it is addressed directly to this poster (who I doubt we will ever see again here).

Mel--

I would kindly like to point out that empathy and sympathy are not the same...

And, when I used the term "other's opinions" I was referring to the poster's concern regarding how others in his REAL LIFE would react if he made certain choices. Specifically, I was thinking of these (the poster's) words when I wrote that reply:


These are very real, VALID CONCERNS (and yes, I understand that he is having these issues because of his very own actions... but that realization doesn't make his FEARS ANY LESS VALID). I wanted the poster to know that I HEARD HIM (I was speaking directly to HIM). In no way did I mean to give the impression that I was advising the poster to ignore the advice from other posters here on MB.

Moreover, I am not advising the poster to continue on his current path. I am advising that he separate from BOTH WOMEN-- that he gets his head "straight" with the HELP of a GOOD COUNSELOR-- before making any life altering decisions that he may regret.

I will not pretend that I know what's best for him (I don't). But, like you, my intentions in helping are sincere-- and while I may not be popular on this forum, I believe I am capable of helping-- if only to offer an alternative opinion.

Being 10 years post d-day and in a recovered marriage, I feel as though I have so MUCH more to say (specifically regarding manners and tact in regards to differing opinions), but fear this is not the post, nor the place, to voice my opinions.

To the original poster-- I apologize for the thread jack (I did not mean to take away from your request for help).

Namaste', Marie

OMM, I am an FWW, are you? The advice this poster has received can't be topped.

Yes, people showed me empathy when I joined here but NO ONE accepted any bullpucky from me and that was as it should be.

I left my job because the OM was a client there (coincidence). The chances of him coming into my work were very slim but they were there. If he had actually WORKED with me I'd have left even sooner.

Why on earth would he separate from his wife? To make the choice easier? I don't think so. That is TERRIBLE advice.

OMM, I do know the difference between sympathy and empathy and was responding to the inappropriate sympathy in your post here: "I'm truly sorry that you are hurting, and that you're so confused and conflicted."


Hopefully you will agree that you know that continued adultery is NOT what's best for him? Or for anyone. You don't have to pretend to not know that.


Thanks for the clarification, Marie. I also wish you would say more since you are in a 10 year RECOVERED marriage, and missed the opportunity to do so in your previous post.

He needs help and guidance to do the right thing. I don't think sympathy for self inflicted pain along with abuse of his wife is helpful in that regard. Especially with a wayward who seems to be utterly oblivious to the "pain" of his victims. His pain is a much needed consequence of his bad behavior, after all. Not a bad thing, but a good thing.

Thanks for your opinion.

Here is my advice for this man

IF you want to save your marriage - call the Harleys.
If you don't want to save your marriage - release your wife.

WOW.

Pep's translation was awesome!