Well, it happened. Here's the good, the bad and the ugly.

Let me first say that it might have been better if it never happened... things would have stayed the status quo. At least now the dynamic has changed and everyone knows where I stand. I'll bide my time, but there will be a confrontation.

My wife's friend, the other man and his brother were all at the bar when we showed up.

There was a somewhat tense sizing up of each other as all the players were recognized. I figured out who the OM and his brother were and they obviously knew right away who I was. I knew my wife's friend from year's ago.

My wife and I obviously did not sit at the same table as "the crew". We set up shop on the other side of the room. Eventually all of my wife's family and friends made there way in.

So the party proceeded pretty much with two segregated groups.

I knew that I was going to have to take some kind of role to get my mind off of things, so I decided that I would just take pictures and mingle with our friends in that way.

As the evening progressed, the OM sensing that I was just going to ignore him, finally made his move over to my wife. You know, the "I just want to wish you a happy birthday" thing.

Well, I lost it. I charged into him like a raging bull. I'm not exactly sure what expletives I let out but I had my finger firmly planted into his chest as I walked him backwards and told him to get away from my wife. It didn't really go any further than that as someone was in my ear telling me not to do this. So I thought better of it and stood down.

So things were a bit rocky after that. But, I had enough people there who were my friends to cool me down.

Later in the night the OM actually came over to me to smooth things over. It was a shaky truce to get through the rest of the evening. I'll give him "big man props" for coming over to me.

I know that is all alpha male stuff and I never envisioned things shaking out that way... but that's how it happened and I just reacted.

Okay, all that is over. It was a surreal experience.

Here are the benefits of last night.

Although a couple of family members knew about my wife's OM, the knowledge of her affair was generally not known. Now everyone in her family and her work friends know. This is going to force my wife to face the reality and not run from this anymore.

I'm very tight with my wife's siblings and cousins so they are all concerned that my wife and I move forward and make things work. Of course, they are primarily concerned about my wife's happiness, but I'm sure that they want to see us stay together, past history and all. I believe I have some allies there. I think some of her family was suprised to see some passion out of me as I'm generally easy going. It was a good learning experience for all.

Going forward, my wife absolutely knows that she can not go out for drinks with her long time friend. She knows where I stand. I'm going to have to vigilantly steer my wife away from her as time goes on. If we have to argue over it, that's the way it's going to be. In the reality of things, when we were together in the past, there was very little contact with the friend... I expect things to move into that direction, now that the birthday bash is over. My wife does understands that she has to keep me informed of what's going on and I will be watching.

I've learned that I can't completely trust my wife to make the right decisions all the time... she actually went out of her way to make me confortable at the party but I know she could very easily be drawn back into that crowd. It's her character flaw. She's weak.

Hopefully, I can convince her that she can't control other people and putting herself in these situations could have negative outcomes. I think she see's that but not clearly yet.

One more thing... After seeing this guy, I think I will have less images of the OM with my wife... the unknown shadowy figure is much worse.

rb,

1st, Two big THUMBS UP!!!

2nd, we faced a toxic best friend issue also, and eventually treated it the same as the OM and sent a NC letter to toxic BF. Just something to consider ...

again, well played, sir ... some may question whether you should have went, but after you were there anyway ... WELL DONE!!!

There ARE NO benefits. This will go down as one of the stupidest things you ever did.

You lovebusted the hell out of your FWW and did great damage to your marriage.

But hey - as long as all the chest thumping made you feel better

Does SHE KNOW this or have YOU INFORMED her. There is a big difference.

It seems to me as if a lot of your behavior might be pretty bullying. Bullying doesn't work.

I am not excusing your wife's behaviour and choices. However, I don't perceive your attitude to be one (yet) that would make me (if I were your wife) want to work on my marriage. You can't bully her into working on your marriage.

Please explain to me how this was a love buster? How did I damage the marriage?

There are love busters I need to work on. #1 is my angry outbursts with my wife.

I've read "Surviving An Affair", and I know I have to bite my lip and move forward with things.

My wife asked me if I want her to read it... I told her only if you want to. She picked the book up and started, it will give us things to discuss and work on.

Sometimes you can't put things into a cookie cutter solution. My wife has a real tight family and we spend a lot of time with them... usually drinking, but that's beside the point right now.

This is something that I bought into with the marriage, but the family get togethers are fine, because I'm well accepted within that circle and have close relationships with them myself.

The chest thumping was not planned... I knew it could happen and it did, but not how I envisioned it. We went into this with the plan that she would just ignore the OM at the party. She followed the script, we didn't have any control on what he would do.

My wife did not have the OM as a soul mate... the relationship was well on it's way to getting closer, but it was not at soul mate level. I think my wife was more attached to that circle of friends than to just the guy. That's something we will have to address and I think we will.

When my wife and I were seperated, she went to her girlfriend for support and emotional needs... that's how this got started. I think that when my wife reads more of the material that I'm providing her, she will begin to see the light. She's not stupid. I need to help her understand how to meet my emotional needs.

We have a lot of things going for us right now, for one we are living together again. My evenings are totally devoted to spending time with her (reacreational activity, affection, conversation, etc.) We go to bed on her schedule. These are all things that I changed about my self... there's other things I need to still work on, like my angry outbursts and I believe that I can get a handle on that.

My goal is to keep us into the "routine." We go work out together, have supper together, play cribbage or scrabble something in the evening, watch a movie, etc.. We both have professional jobs, that's the kind of things she needs to wind down day to day.

Another thing... your busting me for chest thumping... you are doing the same to me by your comment "There ARE NO benefits." You have no clue about how me an my wife interact. There are no cookie cutter solutions.

good grief....

She knows. She's repeated these things to me in our conversation. I know it's on her mind.

One of the things that she has expressed to me is the admission of how she has an idependent attitude and she needs to work on making decisions with me involved. I know she realizes that, she wants to be a good wife to me moving forward. I think that's a start.

MelodyLane <-- cookie cutter solutions.

I agree with this statement - I don't think your wife saw him as a "soul mate", I think she saw him as an option since she had given up hope on your marriage. And given that you had been living apart for a year and a half and had little to do with one another, she had some grounds for giving up hope. You had basically never had a real marital relationship during the course of your marriage, instead you'd both been living alone and meeting once a week or so for dates/sex.

I've said it before, but when you changed your behavior, you gave your wife hope that a real marriage with you was possible. When she realized she had a choice between a real marriage with you or dating this other guy, she chose you right away... because a real marriage with you was what she'd wanted all along.

In my opinion, the OM in your situation is almost irrelevant. He's really not worth your time. Your attention is better spent on building a real marriage, for the first time, with your wife. You both should avoid him, and that crowd of friends, and concentrate on marriage building.

Roy,

Please refresh my memory. Why were OM and your FWW at the same party?

My wife cooked up this party well over a year ago. She was trying to decide what she wanted to do for her 50th birthday. The plans were for her and her high school friend to celebrate their 50th birthdays together. The party was being planned well before the OM came into the picture.

So, the wheels were in motion way before hand.

The OM is the brother of the man dating my wife's toxic friend. That's the connection.

I'm sure he wanted to see if my wife was still available.

Wouldn't it have been better to have told OM not to show his face at the party? I don't understand why you'd support having a party with toxic friends and OM present. If the party was planned over a yr ago, that doesn't matter...change the plans.

Well I guess I could have went over to his appartment before hand and banged on his door and told him... but that would have been contact as well. We were hoping he wouldn't show his face, but he did.

There's no reason for any more contact with him... for me or her.

I'll have to watch vigilently that it doesn't happen.

For that matter, I'll have to meet my wife's ENs so she won't need to look for anyone else.

There was still no justification to not cancel the party after D day. Nothing good came from the party.

If anything with the OM approaching you after the big blow up only got to make him points by sticking around after the first confrontation and coming back to talk that he was not scared of you nor did he regret doing your WW.

Then you really helped your WW big time. If only half the bar knew that your WW was a lying, cheating, woman with lose morals and round heels. Your little boy tantrum made sure that every one knew when it was over.

Nothing like making recovery easier for your WW.

You lied to us here by omission. You were advised not to go there. You insisted that there would be no problem. When you knew you were looking for any excuse to have a confrontation with the OM.

I never said I wasn't going. I never insisted there would be no problem. No lies there.

I was willing to ignore him. It didn't work that way.

Sometimes a release of energy is a good thing. Sorry that it doesn't follow the gameplan.

Hey, this forum is a forum of peers. Read the description above. It's up to everybody to decide for themselves how to proceed. I'm just sharing my experience. You can and obviously will make judgements on your own. As far as I can tell, my wife and I are still married and on recovery this very day.

Maybe some of you know better?

You did not have to go over to OM's apartment. You could have told toxic friend to tell OM not to show his face and if he did show up that you and WW would leave. It didn't have to involve a lot of drama. Just the fact that WW still wants to have a birthday party with toxic GFs would have been a deal breaker for me.

OM showed up with a smirk on his face and he left with it too.

He can go home with his smirk... I went home with my wife.

You know, hindsight is 20/20. Okay, maybe we should have told that to toxic friend. Didn't think about doing that.

Comments like this, "OM showed up with a smirk on his face and he left with it too.", are exactly the same attitude as me wanting any confrontation with the OM. It just keeps it going. And it keeps it going for anyone here having resentment over their spouses affair partner.

I think that seeing who the other person is, is a good thing. I'll recognize him again if we should every happen to run into him by chance. Or maybe you think that me and my wife should move to another state? You know, some things just aren't practical.

Yes, otherwise known as using common sense. A strategy that is sorely missing here.

***edit***

You need to ban your wife's skank of a friend from both of your lives, at all costs.

Ban ALL unremorseful cheaters from your lives while you're at it.

That's what I've done, except for my mother. Even in her case, I've considered it.

Wow. Is it me, or did that seem like a low blow? While I may not agree 100% with everything Melody says here (or anyone else for that matter), her feedback has been helpful.

I'm sensing a bit of anger here...

Of course, you are correct on all counts. It's just how I go about this. I know the angry outbursts are wrong... I have to implement persuasion, practice and time. It will be my long term project.

Long term project? That's insane.

It's simple. Without sounding angry, just tell your wife that Skank Friend is not a friend of your marriage, and needs to be removed from both of your lives immediately, and permanently.

If your wife protests, or threatens to choose Skank Friend over her marriage, you should probably prepare for divorce, anyway.

I'll just refer back to this statement...

"With the exception of the Marriage Builders® Weekend Private forums, the advice offered on these forums is offered by your peers - it is NOT professional advice and should not be taken as such."

Some folks are dabbling in professional marriage counseling around here.

advice Roy has gotten

Roy's reaction to that advice

:twobyfour: our reaction to Roy's reaction

how om probably felt leaving the party

how I bet Roy's wife will react to Roy's likely ultimatums and efforts to control her behavior

my estimation of the likelihood Roy is capable of understanding POJA

Roy's reaction to our reaction to his behavior so far

:twobyfour: what I think Roy needs

my opinion of how likely Roy is to think that anyone who disagrees with him might have a clue



But, all of that is merely my opinion. And, of course, since I don't agree with Roy's choices, I doubt he will value either my opinion, Mel's opinion, Big K's opinion, or the Harley's opinion. After all, they don't align with his opinions. :RollieEyes:

Please keep posts respectful and free from personal attacks.

Thank you.

I agree with Krazy ... there is no need for LONG TERM PROJECTS, and I also concur that toxic BF HAS TO GO ... and there is no room for negotiation. If your WW can't see that toxic BF is no friend of the M, then she is putting others before rb and their M, and Plan D is the likely outcome anyway.

BH's who take strong, definitive ACTION have a much better chance of success, either by gaining the M that they desire, or moving on with life away from an unremorseful and unrepentent adulterer.

... and rb, you need to realize that confrontations are usually frowned on upon this site, but that's not your problem. Most of these folks are quite passive by nature, and just don't relate well to BH's who take strong definitive ACTIONS.

Long term project? That's insane.

It's simple. Without sounding angry, just tell your wife that Skank Friend is not a friend of your marriage, and needs to be removed from both of your lives immediately, and permanently.

If your wife protests, or threatens to choose Skank Friend over her marriage, you should probably prepare for divorce, anyway. [/quote]

That would be a love buster and push us closer to divorce. Persuading her over time... Okay, within the next few months is probably the correct course of action. I have to get her more familiar with some of the good concepts from the Harley's. But I don't even buy into it all myself.

It's unlikely that my wife will have any contact with her toxic friend over that time anyway... I mean, that has been the norm before as far as their friendship has gone. If something does get cooked up, I'll be sure to head it off, tactfully of course.

Here's one for you... I don't think I would ever have to give my wife a divorce even if she wanted one. We are married under common law... but we have a signed contract with each other that's been notarized and recorded in the county courthouse. There would be huge compensation considerations if either one of us broke the contract.

I'm not sure how I talked her into that one.

Personally, I see it as "passive" that Roy chose to go to a party where OM would be. The stronger action [non conflict avoider/leader of the family/protector of the marriage role] would have been to tell his wife that the party was unacceptable, and that they would not be attending.

Mrs. W

I never said anything about you needing to move to another state. I don't think it's a bad thing for you to know what OM looks like. I think all BSs should see what the POSOP looks like for many reasons.

I understand the resentment rb. I just don't think having a party with OM and toxic GFs shows them anything except you being willing to put up with their presence.

Why do that instead of getting married?

Please get the book Buyers, Renters & Freeloaders by Dr. Harley.

Mrs. W

What are you refering to? MelodyLane telling me I have no common sense or me telling her I feel sorry for her husband?

Maybe you are talking to both of us?

We are married. More married than marriages under statute law. I encourage you to do some research.

I know you didn't say that to me... I was just getting a little defensive. My apologes to you.

Don't get me wrong ... WW insisting that we attend that party would have been a deal breaker for ME, but roy chose to go, and once they were there, they couldn't "put the toothpaste back in the tube".

So at that point, ONCE HE WAS THERE ANYWAY ... I support him confronting the OM. It appears to me that rb's WW hasn't respected him for some time, and his confrontation with the OM showed her a different side to rb, and she left the party with a positive impression of rb for a change.

If rb was paying attention, he will recognize that his conflict avoiding tendencies got him in this mess, and strong decisive action has now improved his situation. Hopefully, he will recognize the connection and quit conflict avoiding, and actually defend his boundaries going forward.

Good grief...you aren't even married?

Blast the fog horn!

The problem with these "long-term projects" is that if this nonsense goes on long enough, you will not be able to stand the sight of your wife. She will disgust you, if you have any self-respect or pride left at all.

I'm not saying "do this NOW" or "do that NOW" out of anger or a desire to punish the WS...I'm saying it because the longer you drag this out, the more likely you are to resent her so much that she sickens you, and your recovery will fail, anyway.

Don't get me wrong ... WW insisting that we attend that party would have been a deal breaker for ME, but roy chose to go, and once they were there, they couldn't "put the toothpaste back in the tube".

So at that point, ONCE HE WAS THERE ANYWAY ... I support him confronting the OM. It appears to me that rb's WW hasn't respected him for some time, and his confrontation with the OM showed her a different side to rb, and she left the party with a positive impression of rb for a change.

If rb was paying attention, he will recognize that his conflict avoiding tendencies got him in this mess, and strong decisive action has now improved his situation. Hopefully, he will recognize the connection and quit conflict avoiding, and actually defend his boundaries going forward. [/quote]

The toothpaste was out of the tube with this party way before my wife even met the OM. I just figured a few uncomfortable hours for me was a lot less hassle than trying to deal with all of my wife's relatives and making my wife explain why she couldn't come to her own party. I never made my wife make that choice. The party is over and done with and my attention is turned to moving forward. Except for this thread, I'm thinking less about the OM myself. I saw him, the mystery is gone, I wasn't really impressed.

Common Law marriage is recognized in the state of Iowa. For my wife and I, it makes it 'lawful' everywhere. The IRS recognizes it. Our place of employment recognizes it. What more do I need? General Questions II forum approval??

How do you have a divorce discussion in a common law marriage?

rb,

If you will shoot me an email at the address in my signature below, I think I can help with a few frustrations you are experiencing today.

It's all good.

I don't agree with your last assertion.


I believe that you are confusing action with reaction. In action, there is planning and forethought - generally a means toward a definitive end. In a reaction, there is no thought. It just happens, with unpredictable results.

IMO, Roy's reaction did not help his recovery in any way, shape or form. Who invites someone to a party, knowing that their presence is unwelcome? It would have been a very simple matter to uninvite this individual, cancel the party, etc. That would have been an action.

MyRevelation, in post after post you advise BH's to dump their wives if they do not immediately respond to ultimatums. I don't disagree that decisive actions on the part of a betrayed spouse are beneficial to recovery, but if I recall correctly even your wife attempted to break contact after discovery. (It used to be in your signature, but now it's gone).

And here you are, not divorced.

Just my .02

In Iowa, a legal divorce is required to end a Commen Law marriage. That is how Iowa attempts to reign in common law marriage under the jurisdiction of statute law. By statute, it would be illegal for either of us to remarry as long as a Common Law marriage could be proven.

Most states just elimate the option for Common Law marriage by statute.

I think it is debatable as to whether they can actually do this or not.

HI

I haven't posted very much at all here, and I think that part of the reason for that is that I find that people tend to be very critical here, and hard on people, and alot of the time I feel unfairly so.
I think that people do the best they can in there own situations, and they have to decided what works for them, when advice is given we will see what we can take from it and what we can't.
If someone chose's not to follow that advice that is there choice and they have reasons for not doing that.

This should be a place of support, and guidance, not harsh words, and bullying.
Most of us have had enough of that, and we just want to talk to other who can relate and understand what we are trying to do.

Thanks for listening.

I don't think the matter of common law marriage is the issue here, if rb and his wife consider themselves "married" then they are married.

And i also think the rb did the right thing. I think it would have caused his wife more anger at him if he made her cancel the party, it was her 50th birthday, that only happens once.

I also think that neither rb or his wife actually "invited" the OM, they probably both assumed since the A was out in the open he simply would not come. I would not have contacted him to tell him not to come, NC is NC after all.

And i am sure that his wife did not want the confrontation but totally understood why it happened and blamed the OM more than she blamed rb.

This is of course all just IMHO.

Take a step back and examine the history of your married life to your current wife.

What I see is a woman who has been mostly unavailable as a wife. She has spent a good deal of time rationalizing and executing extra marital affairs. This most recent incident is the second time around for her and you. She seems to have little problem with exposing you to harm’s way. She seems to want a different kind of marriage than the one you envision. To give your marriage hope you both need to want and work for the same things, without that, there is little reason to be married. She apparently wants something different. Her friends, that you call toxic, are supporting her adultery. That makes them your enemy, toxic is the correct word. The worst part is that she exposed you to her sexual plaything by inviting him to the party. That was a cruel slap to you, but for reasons unknown you were a willing participant and did nothing to prevent it. However, it was your wife’s job to protect you from that hurtful confrontation.

It appears that your wife is self absorbed and does not currently have the mental makeup to participate in a marriage, at least not the kind of marriage that is typically discussed in these forums.

I will remind you of your own words in a previous post:


What happened in her first marriage? How long did it last? Any kids?


You might find that while important, meeting your wife’s ENs will not be sufficient in restoring your marriage or more accurately, building a marriage. You need to “affair proof” the marriage and to do that it will take an earnest effort from BOTH of you. Although it appears from your descriptions that your wife is engaging in some marriage counseling, none of it will amount to much unless she comes to realize how and why she engaged in her affair. After that she would need to fully enlist your help to keep her honest and to build your confidence and trust. These elements are missing from your game plan so far as I can see. Her profound apologies and promises to be a better wife will fall far short and only have a short term effect. When the heat dies down she will again be open to the affections of another man.

Mr. G

I was just thinking that it never ceases to amaze me how people in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond can still act like a friggin teenager with overactive genitals.

His wife is only a few years shy of being old enough to me MY MOTHER, and she's acting like she's 14.

You are correct ... D-Day + 2 FogFree sent a text, and D-Day + 5 she opened a secret hotmail account and sent an email seeking "closure". Neither were responded to by OM, likely because I had forced NC and he knew I had him by the "short & curlies". FogFree confessed to the text, and I found the secret email at about D-Day + 30.

These extra few weeks gave her the opportunity to show where her head really was ... if either of these attempts at contact had of been discovered immediately or if they received a response, then any recovery would have come after some period of "seperation".

Personally, I don't see any inconsistencies. All instances were dealt with IMMEDIATELY upon discovery and the results have been positive, although not without a few pot holes in the road along the way, especially early on.

Placing yourself and your WW in this "awkward" predicament was a little thoughtless on all parties involved. Plain and simple--should have never happened. You were looking for trouble. It accomplished nothing.

Seems like you're a little combative to everyone not standing up and cheering for you in being a "manly man"!!! It only rewarded your ego and caused undue stress. I guess the idea of NO CONTACT just hasn't sunk in yet...

And, this is neither here nor there but if common law marriage means you're more married than a real married couple, then what difference did it make for you to be common law married to begin with? Just curious...

But, the bottom line is it was silly and a little inconsiderate of you of all parties for you to have allowed this to happen.

I don't see that at all. How do you figure it?

This is what I see. They had been married less than 4 years, and of that time spent 2.5 years living apart. By roy's choice and by his admission, they had little to do with each other beyond an occasional date.

What was she supposed to think about their marriage?

As I see it, she assumed the marriage would never get any closer. After a year and a half, of steadily decreasing contact, that is a reasonable assumption.

Her mistake, of course, was in dating before divorce. That was wrong of her. But, when faced with a choice - either a dating relationship with OM, or a real marriage with roy (which they had never really had before) - she made her choice with no hesitation and no looking back.

She didn't invite this man... my wife invited her family and friends, likewise the toxic friend had her own invite list. They didn't exchange notes on who was being invited. It's not like they are in daily contact with each other. More like monthly, if that.

Roy, I'd caution you not to let this thread poison your opinion of your wife.

So many people are dumping all over her. As I see it, she made poor choices by dating OM. But she has made good choices since then in choosing the marriage.

I haven't seen anything you've posted since you got here that makes me think your wife is anything but sincere in her desire to work on the marriage.

Living apart for a year and a half - and having little to do with her during that time - is an open invitation for trouble. If your marriage is going to survive, you need to be living together. You know that now.

Now is the time to look forward and work on the marriage. Don't stew over past resentments and neglect the present. You have a chance to build a real future together, don't blow it.

No, that won't happen. The biggest obstacle is overcoming my own resentments... My wife responds to me when I treat her how she thinks a husband should treat her. She has to learn how to meet my ENs, but I'm willing to teach her. Hopefully getting past my angry outbursts, I can lead her by persuasion, not push her with a cattle prod. She meets some, but not quite proficient at everything yet. I'm trying to cultivate that environment in our marriage... inspite of the 50th birthday party.

"She didn't invite this man... my wife invited her family and friends, likewise the toxic friend had her own invite list. They didn't exchange notes on who was being invited. It's not like they are in daily contact with each other. More like monthly, if that."

Ooooooooooh pleeeesa, what baloney!

Neither one these morally impaired upstanding woman thought about that would their be a problem with the OM being there at the same party as the BH?

Are these women that stupid, nieve, uncaring, blood lusting lokking for a fight, .....(my fingers are tired you all can complete the adjective list here)....?

I might have to get all alpha-male on you if you keep insulting my wife...

My wife has not spent a good deal of time executing extra marital affairs. Just the 3 weeks of her affair being married to me, although we didn't live together. My wife married young, she was 18 or so. That marriage lasted 18 years and they had two kids. She divorced, had a long term relationship afterwards but not with a married men. After that, she said that she had a lot of first dates, but nothing materialized. For about 6 years she lived alone raising her two sons before I came along. So she does have a strong independent streak.

After she was with me, and ultimately after our separation, she felt like she needed someone in her life. So she started dating again, albeit before finalizing a divorce with me. So yes, she technically cheated on me and had an affair. When I let her know that I really did want her and I was willing to work on the marriage, she willingly accepted me back in her life full time. That's basically the story.

As a side note... we are working through some of Harley's marterials... so yes, I hope to make the future marriage affair proof.

On Mike_C2s thread about his harassment charge, you wrote back on 2/4/08:

“I'll have an "opportunity" to possibly see the OM this weekend. For sure, I will get to see his brother. Not quite sure how I'm going to absorb that, but it will be interesting.

I got smacked down on this board for allowing my wife and I to attend a party where the OM could be present but it's going to happen this weekend.

In a way, this is sort of a test for my wife. I get to see how she reacts. I laid down the rules for this encounter, we'll see how she does. She knows what I expect.”

When Mike stated this was a “stunningly bad idea” you responded to him:

“Maybe, but she really didn't have any withdrawal from the beginning, so I don't think it's going to be a problem. I would say that her affair leaned more to the one night stand end of the spectrum, even though it was more than that.

Anyway, maybe I like the drama.”

SasSoSad (BW) and I (FWW) both also told you this was a horrible plan. But you had an agenda here, RB. Not one of protecting your wife and your recovery, but one to meet your own purposes. People have quit jobs and lost income to avoid contact with an affair partner. People have moved away to other towns and even other states to avoid contact. To have not attended a party seems like minimal consequence for your wife to have endured.

You had known of the affair since December. Not that time matters anyway, but you keep arguing how this party had been planned for over a year. So with 2 months between D-day and the party, there was plenty of time to cancel the party, to change the plans and have a different party focused squarely on your wife, or to let your WW know that if the OM appeared the both of you would be leaving immediately. (This last option would have given you the face you apparently wanted to put to the OM's name while still protecting your WW.) You even admit that your WW and this GF have been distancing themselves from each other so why such critical importance for them to be in the same place to celebrate a birthday?

There was plenty of time to make a variety of other arrangements. You were the one who didn’t want to. Your WW didn’t argue with you because she either a.) wanted to see the OM too, for whatever reasons or b.) she didn’t want to LB on your apparent need to face the OM so she was willing to suck it up for your sake. Having the OS, WS, and BS, in the same room where alcohol is being served sounds like an awful concoction.

What’s done is done. Going forward, if you want to work toward having a meaningful marriage, please respect your own recovery as well as your WW’s and do what’s best to recover your relationship as H & W. Please do not provoke “drama” no matter how much you may like it.

Good luck to you, RB. I wish you and your W well.

I don't think that I ever said I didn't have an agenda. I really wanted to see who this guy was. My wife and I didn't really know if he would show or not, but she saw this as an opportunity to show everyone that we were together. I don't think you can necesarily take that as having ulterior motives. I think she is sincere. There didn't seem to be any harm with that and quite frankly, there wasn't.

Maybe, since I had to do this... it could have been handled differently. My previous comments reflect my aprehension of the whole ordeal before it happened. I'll do whatever I can to avoid such a scenario in the future. That was enough.

I really don't regret going though. Yes, there was some alpha-male aspect to it, but really, what does it matter? It's over.

My apologies for the confusion at my end. I thought that you separated due to infidelity and then a second incident occurred after that.

I wish you and your wife the best. I’ll continue to read of your adventures and if I see an area where I might be of service then I’ll respond, that is if you don’t mind.

Mr. G

Of course not, that's what I'm here for... the feedback, even if I don't always follow the advice. As for the adventures, hopefully it will be a dull roar from here on out.

Coolio.

That's right. It is. Now do what you can to recover your marriage. These boards are really depressing today and I need to read some good news from someone. Anyone. Please.

Take care.

They really seperated due to extreme Independent Behavior. Not the best way to start out a marriage...

I see a lot of hope in Roy Batty's situation.

His wife dated the OM because she thought the choice was a lonely marriage-in-name-only (living apart and only seeing each other on occasion) to Roy, or leaving and starting over with someone new.

When Roy found out about the OM, he offered his wife a new choice: a real, full-time-living-together marriage with him.

When her choice was a real marriage with Roy or starting over with the new guy... she chose Roy. Right away, without hesitation, and with no looking back.

Their challenge now is to learn to do away with the Independent Behaviors that led to their living completely seperate lives for so long.

His wife is on board. Roy is on board. They know what they have to do, and they have a second chance on their marriage, a chance to do it right this time.

In my opinion, Roy needs all the support we can give him to build his marriage, not to re-build it... because it wasn't really a marriage before. They need to learn to live together as real partners. They need to grow past their Independent Behaviors.

And I have every confidence that they are capable of doing so.

Yes, we took all our baggage from previous relationships and dumped it all into our marriage. I'm not sure what either one of us expected. The wife did try much harder than I to make things work before we actually separated. That's what I need the smack down for.

Thanks CC, that's something I can take with me. You've always had a handle on my situation. I appreciate it.