Hi, I am new to these boards and am posting this because of something that has come up the past couple of weeks. It isn't full-blown cheating so I decided to post it here instead of the infidelity forum.
Back in December my husband and I were invited to a Christmas party at the house of one of our family friends. There was this other couple there who had two kids (ages 15 and 18). At the party they got along great with him. They were joking and laughing the whole time. One of them (the 18-year-old) has developed sort of a friendship with my husband. After the party they continued to keep in touch using e-mail. They are also friends on FaceBook. At first they sent messages every day. By now it has dwindled to a message once a week. From what I have heard, she has met him twice since the party.
DH works in the music department of a local university. This girl is a first year student who isn't satisfied with her current school, so she is looking to transfer. A few weeks ago she had a piano audition at the school where DH works. After all the auditions were over she told him that she got here by taking a train and walking the rest of the way. DH told me that he offered her a ride. At first she said she didn't want to bother him, but he told her that it wouldn't be a problem.
Last week, DH did a performance in New York. It was a small low-key thing with only a few people in attendance. 18 y.o. girl saw a notice on his website and decided to come. From what I heard, she doesn't have her license yet so she had to take public transportation. The show was over at 10 PM and it was dark. Since the girl lives in our area, DH offered to drive her back home. It takes about two hours to drive from NY to where we live. The next morning I wanted to know why he arrived later than expected. He told me that the night before he had seen the 18y.o. at his show. Before going home he said he was hungry and stopped at a restaurant. She said she didn't have cash and would have to pay with her debit card. He then told her that she shouldn't worry; he would pay for the two of them.
I haven't seen this person since the party, but from what my husband told me she seems to have a fascination with him that is bordering on obsession. I know people like music, but being prepared to take hours' worth of buses and subways to NY shows that she must have been determined to see the concert. My husband is open with me and tells me everything. He told me that the girl even said it herself. She didn't care about the music, she just wanted to see him in person again. During the car ride home, she was joking about how much she liked him. She even compared him to drugs and said that being around him was addictive.
DH doesn't seem to mind this. He thinks her joking is harmless and likes her company fairly well. I, however, am concerned. I am in my mid-40's and DH is 50. Although 18 is a legal adult, it is still a huge age difference. He tells me that this girl acts really friendly whenever she is around him. What could an 18-year-old and a 50-year-old have in common with each other? It seems weird. Right now things aren't so bad, but I am worried that there could be a problem if her infatuation with my husband continues.
You have a valid concern. Your H is being flattered and his ego is being fed by a younger women - very dangerous combination. If your H wants to protect and nuture your M then he needs to quit leading the girl on and tell her she's overstepping boundaries here. Your H's enjoying this and it is at your expense but he doesn't see that.
GG
It seems weird. Right now things aren't so bad, but I am worried that there could be a problem if her infatuation with my husband continues.
RV, I suspect he likes being pursued by a young girl and finds it flattering to have a young woman look up to him. How do you feel the state of your marriage is right now? Is there still romance in your lives? Does he feel that you look up to up and respect him?
What your H is doing is very, very dangerous. This is affairs start. It is like putting a frog in a cold pot of water and turning the heat up. Before you know it, you are boiling hot. This is an affair waiting to happen, which will ruin his life. People who don't think they can have affairs are usually the ones who have them because they observe the sloppiest boundaries, which leaves them vulnerable.
Find out her first and last name and then locate her parents.
Call them.
Advise her parents that their daughter is flirting with a married man and you, his wife, are concerned. That ought to make thing very uncomfortable for both of them.
You said these people were family friends. Call up the parents. Tell them about their daughter showing up for concert in NYC and about how your H had to give her a ride home. Tell them you have concerns about a possible father figure fixation. (as in remember Lolita). This girl is in a fantasy and your H is her fix. It is a big deal to her that your H is in music and there is an attraction.
I do not think your H is pursuing her but I think that if the occassion arises he might fall into the fiery heat.
Oh no, no, no, no, no. This is very bad. He is playing with fire. She is testing the waters. Looking for a sugar daddy? Whatever. She's 18. She's a big girl. If she was able to find her way to the concert, then he should have let her find her own way home...
This is not cool. Nope, no way.
It is very easy for a H to take the actions of a young girl and say thats cute, she means nothing by it.
At the end of the day she does. She wants something from your H. Trust in the fact that if this is allowed to continue in any form it will turn ugly.
What could an 18-year-old and a 50-year-old have in common with each other? It seems weird. Right now things aren't so bad, but I am worried that there could be a problem if her infatuation with my husband continues.
They have nothing in common, they never will.
I had a new girl at work start the same thing with me, she is 21 I am 41. I had no idea that she could have wanted anything from me, however being a stupid man, I ignored all the things I should have paid attention too.
I thought it was about work, learning making friends.
She showed up at my house one night, she had an infactuation, and I was unaware enough to feed it. your H is doing that. Boundries are so important and your H needs to put them in place, if he wont you must!
Nip this in the bud. He is flattered by such a young girl being infatuated with him. He probably gets a rush from this. She has already admitted that she thinks of him as a drug. Many men are really stupid around younger women.
RV,
If I might add something concerning 18 year olds.
Today's 18 year olds are nothing like the 18 year olds of our generation. (say from 40 and up). They have been brought up with the movies, TV, commercials, and THE WEB (as in spider web :D)which we shake our heads at. They think it's the way to be.
SO BE AFRAID...BE VERY AFRAID!! I would start snooping if I were you.
Late driving 2 hours from NY because they stopped to get something to eat? Ask to see the credit card receipt. Or snoop and look on line. OH...you paid cash?? hmmmmm.
Today's 13 and 14 year olds are like our 18 year olds.
IMHO
kirk
I agree with Krusht. Don't let you husband minimize this. You both know better. He should be worried about how it looks and be doing what is necessary to avoid any sense of impropriety. If he doesn't, that is a huge red flag for you.
RV are you there or hopefully talking to her parents.
RV, i would be taking this very seriously! contact her parents asap and alert them to what she is doing, my husband got involved with a 20 year old, at the time he was almost 40. He worked in a local nightclub and she pursued him on a nightly basis telling him how wonderful, handsome he was etc feeding his ego, unfortunately we were not in a good place then in our marriage so an affair began. It shook our marriage to the core and to this day i find it hard to come to terms with what he did.
I didnt know what was going on until it was too late, you have the information to hand,nothing has happened yet between them, tell her parents asap. Nip it in the bud NOW.
Just to add i totally agree with krusht.
BE AFRAID BE VERY AFRAID
Sort it out now!
wasn't there a movie about this? a couple of crappy movies about this? something with Alicia Silverstone and something else with drew barrymore?
If you don't take the warnings of all these posters, you are in for big trouble.
My H's A was with a 20 something, he was 55. It started with "admiration" of him as a father figure.
It ended up as PA with him as a lover/potential husband.
Warning, Will Robinson!
I have an update on the situation. The girl hasn't met my husband since March. I thought things were finally cooling down so I stayed quiet. Well, last weekend I saw her again. When I came home from grocery shopping I was about to enter my house when someone in a black trenchcoat approached me. She asked me if I knew when the next train was coming (we live near a train station). I told her I didn't and she left.
At the time I thought nothing of it. A few minutes later it dawned on me that her face looked familiar. It was the same person we met at the party! She was also carrying a video camera around her neck. At the party her mother was taking pictures. I gave her my business card so she could e-mail them to me. The girl must have seen my physical address on it. So now she isn't just following my husband, she is also coming to our neighborhood and recording images of our house. Then there is issue of transfering. Right now she can only see my husband's concerts once a month or so. If she goes to his school next year, they will be around each other much more often.
Icky icky, eeeeew, eeeew. CALL HER PARENTS. OMG! Wow. Just.Wow.
Redvine, she sounds unstable and a potential stalker. CALL HER PARENTS. this is beyond us.
Oh my gosh....I'm reading this, and this is sounding scary. Please inform her parents, and also speak with your H about this. He needs to cut all ties completely.
I don't normally post as an advisor but I read this and my mouth is still hanging open.....I've heard the term "Extraordinary Precautions" here and I hope after reading all the advice you've been given here, you will take that step. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, her, her parent, your husband....do what you have to do to stop this. She is obviously disturbed and needs help. Her parents need to know this. They may not be aware of any problems...YET. Good luck!
Do the names Butafucco and Fisher ring a bell to anyone else here. To H*ll with the movies- real life is far scarier.
Call her Parents, give them a chance to help her, and warn them that if she comes back around you will call the cops. This is not to be taken lightly. Youth and Obsession make a VERY DANGEROUS mix!
CALL HER PARENTS RIGHT NOW!
Oh, and install a keylogger on H's computer and put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of his car. Your odds are 50/50 they are already having sex.
Was your husband home when you bumped into her outside?
If I may elaborate on the camera thing:
I asked my husband and he said that the girl has an obsession with photography and videos. She likes to go out and film anything that strikes her fancy. He told me that when they driving from New York, she had the camera on her lap and was recording their conversation, including the drug comment. I have no idea what she gets out of doing this. My biggest fear is that she will post it on Youtube and it will somehow be traced to my husband.
Yeah, I'd definitely let her parents know. That's just creepy.
Have you called her parents?
Exactly what I was thinking - Fisher shot Buttafuoco's wife. Redvine - forget about camera - the fact that she approached you in a very eery way - call her parents. Do not let this continue and don't let your H be naive about it either. This is the kind of stuff people often take lightly until something serious happens and then it's to late.
GG
:MrEEk:
screw that...make a police report...if anything at least an informational one so you have some documentation in case she gets worse. She is definitly stalking you guys.....has it seemed at all if anyone has gone through your garbage?
Hey stalkers do that.....you can learn alot about people by going through there trash....we learned this in academy....one of the detectives teaching a module had taken FBI courses in profiling.
It is also how alot of people get identities stolen.....thats why they say anything with personal info should be shredded before being thrown out.
To true. Also keep in mind that once your garbage hits the curb it is fair game for ANYONE to go through (it is consdered abandonded) but if she is on your property going through it you can nail her for tresspassing.
Going through the garbage is a valid concern, but I'm not worried about that. She doesn't want to steal anyone's identity. Her obsession is seeing my husband. It's been awhile since their last car ride together, but he still e-mails her frequently. Right now my biggest concern is if she transfers schools. Then she would be able to see my husband many times a week. If she starts making serious advances at him and someone finds out it could mess up his career.
This whole thing is bizarre. Why would an 18-year-old have a crush on a 50-year-old anyway?
Why would an 18-year-old have a crush on a 50-year-old anyway?
Top ENs of conversation, financial security, and recreational companionship.
Long car rides with conversations about lots of topics and experiences that seem amazing to a young person.
A house, a car, a good job.
Music.
I forget your sitch but is he a teacher?? This is totally inappropriate!
Please call her parents.
He works at a university a few miles away from our home. After her music audition he drove her to the train station. Right now she doesn't go to his school but there is a good good chance that she will start going there next year.
Call her parents. I would definitely flip out if I found out my 18 year old was stalking a 50 year old- and she would not be transferring schools on MY dime.
Time to stop talking about it and do something about it.
So, what are you going to do?
Going through the garbage is a valid concern, but I'm not worried about that. She doesn't want to steal anyone's identity.
There is more than one type of identity to steal. There is the obvious financial identity but what about you as a woman, wife to the man she has become obsessed with.
Stealing someones financial identity is not the only purpose of going through garbage. She could find out very personal and intimate details of your life with your husband and try to use them to her advantage. The type of lotion/perfume/makeup you use, how often you have relations, brands and types of foods you buy and prepare, clothing, shopping receipts, restaurant receipts etc.. people don't fully comprehend what and how much info we discard in our trash. That is why it is such an effective investigative tool.
I point this out to you not to creep you out but for you and for others who may find this info useful or have never looked at it this way before. In fact, when I suspected my H of his affair, I started going through our trash and found some very interesting stuff myself.
It's been awhile since their last car ride together, but he still e-mails her frequently. Right now my biggest concern is if she transfers schools. Then she would be able to see my husband many times a week. If she starts making serious advances at him and someone finds out it could mess up his career.
This whole thing is bizarre. Why would an 18-year-old have a crush on a 50-year-old anyway?
Going through the garbage is a valid concern, but I'm not worried about that. She doesn't want to steal anyone's identity.
There is more than one type of identity to steal. There is the obvious financial identity but what about you as a woman, wife to the man she has become obsessed with.
Stealing someones financial identity is not the only purpose of going through garbage. She could find out very personal and intimate details of your life with your husband and try to use them to her advantage. The type of lotion/perfume/makeup you use, how often you have relations, brands and types of foods you buy and prepare, clothing, shopping receipts, restaurant receipts etc.. people don't fully comprehend what and how much info we discard in our trash. That is why it is such an effective investigative tool.
I point this out to you not to creep you out but for you and for others who may find this info useful or have never looked at it this way before. In fact, when I suspected my H of his affair, I started going through our trash and found some very interesting stuff myself.
Ditto....My better half and I both work with law enforcement....at least make an informational report.....it will do nothing but HELP you should anything happen.
WHY HAVE YOU NOT CALLED HER PARENTS?
WHY HAVE YOU NOT ASKED YOUR H TO STOP EMAILING HER?
WHY HAVE YOU NOT CALLED HER PARENTS?
WHY HAVE YOU NOT ASKED YOUR H TO STOP EMAILING HER?
I dunno CP....the rents are worth a try but what if they don't believe them and the girl uses RV's husbands emails to convince them she is inocent.....or she gets angry and being a hormomal tennager gets worse with the stalking.....my preference would be police first to make sure had SOME protection....then approach the rents.
I just see a real life remake of the movie "The crush" happening.
She should definitely call the police, but I can't think of a better choice to stop her dead in her tracks than her own parents - if they are as disgusted as we are. They are friends, so they ought to be pretty decent people. Plus, they will be ashamed of her probably. She's only 18, so she still thinks like a child; believe me, I have one. At that age, they still want an adult guiding them, unless they're just a POS, and she doesn't sound quite that bad.
RV, question: Is your H like her dad in any way?
Call her parents. I would definitely flip out if I found out my 18 year old was stalking a 50 year old- and she would not be transferring schools on MY dime.
ITA
You can't afford not to nip this before it escalates. His career and your M are at risk if you stand silent.
She should definitely call the police, but I can't think of a better choice to stop her dead in her tracks than her own parents - if they are as disgusted as we are. They are friends, so they ought to be pretty decent people. Plus, they will be ashamed of her probably. She's only 18, so she still thinks like a child; believe me, I have one. At that age, they still want an adult guiding them, unless they're just a POS, and she doesn't sound quite that bad.
RV, question: Is your H like her dad in any way?
Hopefully her parents are decent enough people to do that and not go on the defensive for her.
Still tho...someone who goes out of there way to find anothers personal info.....she doesn't drive so you know she made an effort to get there....she showed up AT the home of this man she is obsessing over in a trench coat (disguising identity) with a video camera (videos are a momento for her to keep her in the moment she can replay them as much as she likes). She also approached her "rival".
She is getting bolder....the more she gets away with the further she will take it. There is definate cause for concern...she is a very disturbed young woman. Get to the police now....then contact the parents. But police first....
WHY HAVE YOU NOT CALLED HER PARENTS?
WHY HAVE YOU NOT ASKED YOUR H TO STOP EMAILING HER?
I don't understand why she keeps ignoring this.
This whole thing is bizarre.
Let me tell you what's even more bizarre than that... The fact that you allow this to continue.
Your husband emailing this 18 yr. old girl and you haven't put an stop to that either!!! That's MORE bizarre. You obviously don't want to protect your marriage.
This whole thing is bizarre.
Let me tell you what's even more bizarre than that... The fact that you allow this to continue.
Your husband emailing this 18 yr. old girl and you haven't put an stop to that either!!! That's MORE bizarre. You obviously don't want to protect your marriage.
Whoa nelly.....calm down now....she hasn't even responded yet....maybe she is taking care of it right now. We don't know lets not jump to conclusions before we find out what's going on currently.
SIHW--I really wasn't trying to be disrepectful. I had just gotten off the phone with an insurance adjuster...LOL!!!
Anyway, Pepper advised I believe on 3/25 for RV to contact the girls parents. This has been a month ago yet, in a later post, RV says the following:
My biggest fear is that she will post it on Youtube and it will somehow be traced to my husband.
When in fact, her biggest fear should be her H getting/being involved with an 18 year old girl IMO.
You yourself stated that you work in law enforcement. You know this can not be good.
That would be why I suggested she go to the police and file a report FIRST. it would be on file should the girl try to come back at him about these emails....from the scene I see...the most important thing is to protect the family from harm......someone stalking there family home I see is more dangerous than the emailing....deal with the biggest issue first.....yes husband needs to stop emailing this disturbed girl......but I advise her to get protection in place to be ready for whatever outcome may come to pass.
My biggest fear is that she will post it on Youtube and it will somehow be traced to my husband.
Now I'm wondering if the girl is really 18. Maybe younger? That would explain why she hasn't acted. Since she won't respond to this question, we can only imagine.
Those darn insurance adjusters....I think they are only ever around to raise blood pressures.....hey that could be handy in an er....
Nurse: dr.....his bp is falling.
Dr: Bring in the adjuster...
Adjuster:sir your insurance will only cover half the expenses of this er visit due to your premium.
Patient: WHAT!
Nurse:he's stable...good job everyone.
Dr: my work here is done....the bill will be in the mail.
Patient: %!@%$&!#^!
SIHW...that was too funny. Gave me a good laugh. I was talking to an automobile insurance adjuster. Some little kid hit my husbands 3 week old truck and now they're jerking us around. I had to explain to the guy that they were going to pay for it either way because our insurance is with the same company as the other guys...anyways... It DOES get the blood pressure up and I'm not the most tactful person around.
But, I would be doing some kind of exposing or putting my foot up my husbands butt if he didn't stop emailing this kid. Surely if she is a student and he is a teacher at the same school, personal emails between the two should be some kind of violation. Not to mention that his boundaries are not very strong to protect his marriage.
I see your point and I agree....husband needs to put forth effort also to cut contact from this girl as his emails only fuel her obsession over him.
Luckily from what RV has stated she doe not attend the school he teaches at yet though she was talking about trying to get a transfer.
RV needs to becareful...stalker tend to escallate behaviors. After going through garbage...they most of the time will attempt to get more personal items by accessing the home itself.
The fact that she approached RV at all should be considered a direct threat.
Bump*** can't wait for update on this one...
Bump*** can't wait for update on this one...
I hope RV's been offline 'cause she's busy dealing with this-hopefully per the recommendations of the MB'ers who gave it...
In case you don't remember/are too lazy to read the original post, my husband is a musician. In June he will be playing a concert with a local youth orchestra. By some strange coincidence, the girl used to play in that same orchestra a few years ago, but stopped going. Since she was a member before, she knows where rehearsals are held and went there, trenchcoat, camera and all.
During rehearsals she was standing in a corner filming with the camera focused on my husband, the object of her obsession. When they had a break she approached him and they talked some more. She asked if he noticed the camera. He smiled and said he did. She then filmed him while he was talking to someone else. He laughed and waved at the camera. After it was all over she walked with him to his car and they exchanged a few more words. This time he didn't give her a ride, she took the train home.
When he told me all this I asked him why he kept encouraging her. Didn't he get creeped out by her randomly showing up everywhere and taping their conversations? "Come on she's not that bad," he told me. "It's actually kind of cute." He says he enjoys her fairly well. Whenever they are together she makes alot of smart [censored] comments and sometimes uses profanity. I guess she is one of those kids who was raised on South Park, The Simpsons etc. He thinks the stuff she talks about is amusing. It's like nothing she does can ever annoy him.
I will give him one more chance. Within the next few days I hope I can geta round to filing a police report without him knowing. If he describes another encounter with her, then I would notify her parents as well.
Oh dear
RV, we ALL have been reading your posts from the beginning and we know your H is a musician. You have been posting for a month about a potential stalker and putting you and your H in a potential dangerous situation and have taken NO action.
Wouldn't it make more sense to go to HER parents than have this twisted against your H and have her parents go to the school that your H is acting inappropriate with a 18 year old girl. Even if nothing is going on --it is the perception that will ruin a career. He is flattered but clueless. He could lose everything because of his ego.
Do you have a keylogger on your computer? Do you read these e-mails or look at the Face book??
You need to take action.
Honey, are you nutz!!!???
I would be running to report this to the police and her parents if my husband ever did this. The school also. And anyone else you can think of.
Go please!!!!
I would really like to know what you think is a good reason for waiting. Don't want your H mad at you? Don't want him thinking you don't trust him? He's worse about womanizing than you are admitting and you're afraid he'll leave? What is it?
To the OP: How do you know she's 18?
I will give him one more chance.
One more chance? Are you expecting something to change? Why?
Within the next few days I hope I can geta round to filing a police report without him knowing.
Why without him knowing? You NEED TO TELL HIM that you're not comfortable about their relationship. That something needs to change. Why are you not talking to him about this?
If he describes another encounter with her, then I would notify her parents as well.
Tell them now. He may NOT describe another encounter with her. He may prefer to keep the encounters secret. ACT NOW. You are letting precious time slip by.
In case you don't remember/are too lazy to read the original post, my husband is a musician.
Well...well...well....
Might want to lose the 'tude.
Unless I am right in smelling troll.
committed
Hmmm. BA has been around here lately...
That's what I've thought from the beginning, hence my skeptic emoticons.
My husband is a teacher and your husband's actions unacceptable!!!
Do they have to have sex for you to do something???
Is it me or are others questioning this poster? I am having doubts if this is real or someone playing with the people who care here?
Lots of folks here seem to think RedVine is yanking our collective chain. However, my exH was a music teacher and ended up marrying one of his high school students. She invited him (our whole family, actually) to a pool party for her birthday, which I thought was weird. She went off to college and he found reasons to go see her (music performances). Eventually exH and I divorced and he married the student. So it's quite possible RedVine is telling the truth.
So it's quite possible RedVine is telling the truth.
Yes, it is possible.
However, she has yet to respond to anyone who has actually offered advice.
Well, we've all seen how reluctant even well-known and proven posters can be to follow given advice.
And we've seen how they usually end up paying for it as well.
Here is an idea...tell husband you want to have a movie night together....get popcorn and pizza and get pajamas on for the comfort factor.....then pop in the movie "The crush"......after that one pop in the "amy fisher story"...then pop in "fear".....after they are over look at husband and say...Movie trivia time! One of those is based on a true story..wanna guess which one?
Here is an idea...tell husband you want to have a movie night together....get popcorn and pizza and get pajamas on for the comfort factor.....then pop in the movie "The crush"......after that one pop in the "amy fisher story"...then pop in "fear".....after they are over look at husband and say...one of those is based on a true story..wanna guess which one?
Here are a few others; Poison Ivy, Lolita, The babysitter (tv)/ Start popping the popcorn. :twobyfour:
