Too bad to stay... results of a deep, honest soul search - 04/08/03 07:53 PM
Hi all,
it took me a long time to come to this point. H's A with OW2 started almost 4 years ago, D-Day1 in May 2000, and is still ongoing, however not as intensively as it used to be. But, they still work together, and travel together - and I'm supposed to cope with that?! In the meantime, we now have OW3 in the picture, too!
Anyway, I'm now 99,99% percent sure this M is not worth of saving, and I'm in peace with that. Why, it is a result of deep, long, and honest soul search. It is not about the A, not about he has done, but about what's he doing now, about his character flaws I tried to cope with since ever, and about the whole environment I'm living in:
1. He will never change. He is heavy conflict avoider, and nothing that I've tried to do didn't change that. No matter how safe environment for him I created.
2. He will never grow up. Simply, he doesn't need to. By being very manipulative (and even addmitted to that, openly), he creates a perfect world to suit his selfish ego. All his family enables and supports his behaviour, and he never needed to take responsibility for his decisions and actions. Sadly, even I contributed, but I'm aware of it now.
He's not happy with his life, considers himself unsuccessful, but inspite of his undisputable intelligence, he never made any move to change that - never graduated, never changed a job, even this one he didn't find himself but his parents did. However, he blamed everything and anything for the course of his life - only not himself.
3. He keeps lying, hiding, leading a double life, spending his money the way he wants, doing what and how he pleases... and avoiding ANY talk about us, or my needs, D's needs .... I don't see this change any time soon.
4. When I take a good look at his behaviour - I actually see my FIL, his behaviour and FIL's marriage. It's exactly the same matrix and it's not going to change, it's getting worse as the time pass. My FIL was incredibly selfish, nasty character, with no respect for a single soul on this planet, MIL included. I can't imagine being married to a person that never call me by name, or ANY kind of name - only "she", "mother", "woman".
5. We used to be very close. Now I can't discuss anything with him without him imposing his will and opinion. We can't reach to common decision about anything, no matter how samll a decision is.
6. He used to be very good father. Now, he's simply not up to level for raising 15 yo D. Doesn't understand her needs and problems - and doesn't bother to. And she lost all respect for him due to As and seeing him how he treats me.
7. POJA is out of question. It's either his way or nothing. And I should be happy having him at home - "What else do you want? You won" he said.
Sure I can go on for hours, but that would do.
For the sake of that 0,01% of doubt left in me, give me your two cents, please.
Love,
Adrian
it took me a long time to come to this point. H's A with OW2 started almost 4 years ago, D-Day1 in May 2000, and is still ongoing, however not as intensively as it used to be. But, they still work together, and travel together - and I'm supposed to cope with that?! In the meantime, we now have OW3 in the picture, too!
Anyway, I'm now 99,99% percent sure this M is not worth of saving, and I'm in peace with that. Why, it is a result of deep, long, and honest soul search. It is not about the A, not about he has done, but about what's he doing now, about his character flaws I tried to cope with since ever, and about the whole environment I'm living in:
1. He will never change. He is heavy conflict avoider, and nothing that I've tried to do didn't change that. No matter how safe environment for him I created.
2. He will never grow up. Simply, he doesn't need to. By being very manipulative (and even addmitted to that, openly), he creates a perfect world to suit his selfish ego. All his family enables and supports his behaviour, and he never needed to take responsibility for his decisions and actions. Sadly, even I contributed, but I'm aware of it now.
He's not happy with his life, considers himself unsuccessful, but inspite of his undisputable intelligence, he never made any move to change that - never graduated, never changed a job, even this one he didn't find himself but his parents did. However, he blamed everything and anything for the course of his life - only not himself.
3. He keeps lying, hiding, leading a double life, spending his money the way he wants, doing what and how he pleases... and avoiding ANY talk about us, or my needs, D's needs .... I don't see this change any time soon.
4. When I take a good look at his behaviour - I actually see my FIL, his behaviour and FIL's marriage. It's exactly the same matrix and it's not going to change, it's getting worse as the time pass. My FIL was incredibly selfish, nasty character, with no respect for a single soul on this planet, MIL included. I can't imagine being married to a person that never call me by name, or ANY kind of name - only "she", "mother", "woman".
5. We used to be very close. Now I can't discuss anything with him without him imposing his will and opinion. We can't reach to common decision about anything, no matter how samll a decision is.
6. He used to be very good father. Now, he's simply not up to level for raising 15 yo D. Doesn't understand her needs and problems - and doesn't bother to. And she lost all respect for him due to As and seeing him how he treats me.
7. POJA is out of question. It's either his way or nothing. And I should be happy having him at home - "What else do you want? You won" he said.
Sure I can go on for hours, but that would do.
For the sake of that 0,01% of doubt left in me, give me your two cents, please.
Love,
Adrian