Hi friends on the forum,<P>First of all, I want to start by saying this forum is a wonderful place with many wonderful people. A month ago, you all have helped to save my life. I am so thankful that I stumbled onto this site. <P>Many of you know me as I post a lot, but was gone for a week or so. But a brief overview, my H left me on xmas, he moved with OW a week later, he told me it was temporary, he stold tax money, he sued me for divorce, he has turned into a cruel person along the way.<P>I did Plan A for a while. I started to feel I had no self esteem, no respect for myself and felt like I was just desperate to be loved. I cried and was in a lot of pain. I almost moved to Plan B, but somehow stayed in Plan A.<P>Then I just snapped. I couldn't take the abuse anymore and thats how I describe what I was feeling by being betrayed and living with it.<P>I was so worried about no LB's and Plan A, that I allowed myself to be treated like a piece of garbage. I have 3 daughters. I got to thinking, if a man was doing this to my girls, he'd be floating in the river if I had a say in it. Sorry to the men out there, this is just me being honest. I figured, I need to show my girls that there is more to life than this pain I am in.<P>I started going out with my best friend, once a week on the weekends. The first few times were very scary. After being in a relationship where I was smothered for 10 years with no freedom yet H had all the freedom in the world. I was scared to get out. Soon enough, I began to love this weekly outing. <P>I started meeting lots of different men, and am learning how to become a good judge at whose a genuine nice guy compared to the real jerks right off the bat. I like meeting new people. I am not out to settle down by any means. I just am learning and living again.<P>I did hook up with an old ex for a brief time period. I don't feel guilty about it. Matter of fact, that was a big turning step for me. But then, all of a sudden, I snapped.<P>I went from feeling sad and hurt, to feeling dead and numb. To feeling angry, to now feeling totally ready to stand up and face a whole new world. I am falling behind on some bills, but we are surviving and I am doing a great job. <P>At some point, I just gave up on H. I gave up on the marriage, and I decided he is a truly dispicable human being. One that I would never be able to trust again. Sure I might be able to after a year of misery, but I cried enough. I don't want to settle down, but oddly enough as soon as I walked away from the heart ache and pain, I met someone.<P>Now we haven't known each other long. I can only compare him to my H and other men I met recently, but when I am around him, I get butterflies in my stomach. I am very attracted to him and I think about him a lot. Now I don't want to be on a rebound, I don't want to be settled down again right away, but I can't ignore my feelings. <P>I am glad I met him after I decided the marriage was over, rather than making the decision after I met him. I am glad I was strong enough to pull myself up and say I am done with this marriage. Now I do feel it is awful quick to meet someone new. Please understand, I was not looking by any means when I met him. I feel like I am sounding like a betrayer with what I am saying, but in my case, I do want to get to know him better.<P>I am not divorced yet, but I am not contesting it anymore either. My H is being sweet as pie to me, talks about how we are going to be friends, and civil for the next 18 years. Quite honestly, he and I are getting along better this way than before. I would not tell H this, but at this point, he is NO friend of mine, he is a jerk. But I put on a happy face for the kids. He says he can tell my mind and heart are elsewhere at this point. I don't tell him anything about my life anymore.<P>I am eating again, I am sleeping again. I laugh and smile, I spend more quality time with my kids. For the first time in ten years, I am finding out who I am. I had kids at 18 so I lost a lot. Now I am 27 and ready to take my life back.<P>I agree 100% with the Harley Principles. I saw results from Plan A. I couldn't compete with OW, MIL and H trying to destroy me for a while. It was my lawyer who said take control of the situation. I did, and I have been controlling H without him knowing it, its actually kind of amusing. He talks to me, like when we first met, like we are friends, about dumb stuff, but we talk. When I saw him this weekend, I felt a little spark of love deep down, but I look at him different now. I don't find him attractive, or irresistable any more. I pity him because his affair will crumble and he will be all alone. I do believe what comes around goes around, and their relationship is doomed.<P>I didn't make it to Plan B. In a way, H plan B'd me, not that he knows this program, but he did. And the time apart, gave me a clear head.<P>I am going to stay at the site, and support everyone in what ever way I can. I hope you will all do the same for me. A week from now, its a possibility I will be a crying mess again, but I am going to do what I can to survive, be happy and be proud of who I am again.<P>When I was on Plan A, I seemed to hate myself. I was never good enough for anyone, not H, not my kids, not myself. I allowed H to treat me terrible. My H is disrespectful to women anyway, but I allowed him to treat me that way, so he did. <P>I don't care about LB anymore, I care about me. If he says something that I don't like, I tell him. I just told him this morning, that I am glad OW is good to the girls and he told me I can have a man meet the kids when I am ready, and he would like to meet the man too. It is like a twilight zone.<P>I still hate OW but to be honest I can't wait to see him do this to her, it may not be for a while, but I truly believe in our situation, and the people involved, we had no hope for recovery. I also think they are both somewhat selfish people and therefore deserve each other. I am a giving, loving caring person and I deserve the same.<P>Please know that I am here watching you all and not posting for myself as much but I will reply to anyone that I can help. Some posts I read but have no experience, so I can't even offer much but let them know I am here.<P>You guys are all wonderful. I think about you all. I wonder how Mitzi is, or Roller Coaster, Peg, Mental, then I think about the men on the site, Jim and Bill and how they do what they do. Sometimes its them that give me the strength to say, hey there are good guys out there, who have the beliefs I do. I pray that God will match me with one of those types of men next time and not another BETRAYER!<P>Prayers to you all, thanks for listening, and letting me vent and please, don't hate me because I gave up. I didn't do it because I was weak, well I did at first, but through it I gained so much more. Independence, self respect, self esteem, self love, Control. That is my favorite. I control my life now. <P>Prayers to you all and please pray for me to find the love that I deserve too. <P>Hugs and prayers to you all, Dana<BR>

AMEN DANA!!!!!<P>You have come along way! I think you and I are at the same place! I have been feeling great myself! I am looking forward to a new life for myself and my boys! I know there is going to be a lot of crap on the way with a divorce and the other woman. My plan is to move back closer to family and be far away from my h and his ow. That way, maybe he won't put the effort in to see them as much. I definitely don't want them around the ow! YUCK!<P>~Woozy

I understand completely....as I have said before, we all hit a point where we know that there has to be more to life than this kind of pain and rejection. Wheteher our spouses wake up and make an honest commitment to the marriage(which is the best), or we move on to other relationships, take all you have learned here and apply it to your life..I followed the principles as best as I could, but there has to be two people ready to commit...my X wasn't, and I just couldn't see after two years when he would. I had to get on with my life. And the trust issue would have kept rearing its ugly head....could I have forgiven?? Yes, and I had, many times..But could I forget?? No, and I may have held that against him and sabotaged our relationship. Good luck to you!<P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

I think you're doing the right thing. There are many opportunities for happiness out there, and your children will be happier if they see their mom smiling and happy too. Right now my H and I are in Plan A and are doing pretty well. But, I've told him that I won't go to Plan B. If he moves out with the OW, that's it. I won't wait around wondering whether he'll be back or not. I would need to go on with my life and find happiness. I think that really scared him into working on our relationship. Go out and find your happiness. Remember you are a wonderful person and deserve the best. Good Luck!

Dana:<P>I too, think you are doing the right thing. You go girl! I agree that you definitely have come a long way, and I'm happy to see that you have found yourself. <P>Be happy for you, be happy for your kids. You've given so much wonderful advice and you've been here for all of us. You are truly, a wonderful person.<P>Get out there and enjoy your life. You deserve it!<P>My H and I are in recovery. 5-1/2 weeks. I think we came to this site within a couple of weeks of one another. Thankfully, the affair was over upon discovery, AND, my husband has been sober ever since too. Couldn't have done it without all these great people, you, and our counselor.<P>From one Dana to another, happiness has fallen upon you. Revel in it. Consume it!<P>--purplemag (Dana)

Dana,<BR>It looks like we came to the same decision at about the same time. I have completely decided that my marriage is over. He!! it wasn't worth having in the first place. Except I have my 3 kids from it. I have an overwhelming sense of peace and relief now.<P>Everyone gets to a point where they say enough is enough. Ours just happens to be shorter than some. <P>Good Luck to ya,<BR>Mitzi

WOW, is this the same LonelyMom from a few weeks ago? You have come to a very important part of life, YOU LOVE YOURSELF! Isn't it great! I'm sure as you said you will grieve somedays, but that is part of the process so just deal with it and come to the next day feeling better! We are behind you 100%!

Lonelymom,<P>I am SO GLAD to see somebody else feels the way I do. I just posted about the EXACT SAME thing!<P>I am 26, so I can relate to where you are at. I have to admit that I am scared about dating again. <P>You have been separated a little longer than me (my H left 1/21). <P>I could really use your advice on dating and going out. I feel really rusty. I am not looking for ANY TYPE of serious relationship, just fun. I just need to feel like a man could actually find me desirable. My self esteem is in the toilet right now due to my H.<P>Any words of wisdom? <P>I would really appreciate it since it seems like we are in the same boat pretty much.<P>

I say "More Power to you Girlfriend!!"<BR>Do me a favor though:<BR>Go get "Rebuilding when relationship ends" by Bruce Fisher, you too Woozy and Mitzi. <P>LOL I should get royalties huh? <BR>Seriously it is an EXCELLENT book about the journey you must take and all the different steps and if you are brave enough to be honest with yourself you will discover amazing things about you.<P>Best of luck to you Dana. I knew you were strong! <BR>But get the book <BR>Cat

Hi to all who replied,<P>I was amazed to find so much support today, I expected to get some negativity right off the bat. Cat, I WILL get this book! I am a book worm!! There are two people who replied, and I am not sure I have seen you on here before, Sue and NomoreU , I thank you for replying to. To PurpleMag - nice name! LOL. <P>I am amazed to see how well people have followed my painful story and how you remember just a few weeks ago I was so sad and down.<P>I am really nervous because hopefully I will get to see this new OP I am interested in tonite. I am really NERVOUS!!! But I can't wait. Ladies, I can't tell you when the last time I thought about H was! It is wonderful.<P>Dont' get me wrong, I know I will have bad days, I know the signing of the divorce and things will get me down, but THANK YOU for supporting me, I really have seen a lot of horror stories this month, a lot of us getting served with D papers, a lot of pain. Only a few people in recovery. That scares me. I have seen a lot of OW/OM coming out to talk too. Not much from betrayers. But this site is a lifesaver.<P>To Purplemag again, good luck in recovery. I am glad you are one of the survivors !!<P>TO Teddy Bear - honestly girlfriend I am NO expert, but I can tell you this. I think when you are looking, you won't find what you want. But if you are "not looking" you just might. I am new to dating and all. I can say go out, be yourself, and as far as I know, its best to mention your kids up front, and observe the look on their face when you do. Don't give your phone number out, I have a pager now for this reason. I will take a number, but not give mine out. Don't get too intimate with anyone, you need time to heal. Like I said, I did this with an ex at one point. I am not ashamed, but I am not pleased either. Be very careful because its a whole new world out there, and people can be deceiving. But be happy, be positive, and you will notice people attracted to you!<P>I will be back later to update again.<BR>Thanks ladies for your support!!<P>

Lonelymom,<P>Your story gave me chills it could be me. I have gone through all the phases you have and am now in a relationship with my STBX h that sounds just like your relationship. <P>I tried and tried to show him unconditional support, didn't know about Plan A but the more I did this the more my self esteem shrunk. When I finally let go and started to explore the world like you did I start to heal. Yes I got angry, yes I cried and yes i wished he would come back. But my mind started focusing more on my life and what I needed to do to help me move on. I married at 18 too. I was married for 18 years, at least you found yourself sooner.<P>I too went out on the weekends with girlfriends and started dipping my toe in the social pool of singles life. Yes there are a lot of people out there looking for casual sex, but i wasn't. I wanted someone with a head on there shoulder. I too met soneone who makes me tingle. Iv know him a year now, but I didn't date him until about 6 months ago. I took it real slow and really safe. I have pretty much lost all trust in men. Go figure! He is kind, considerate, and so very independent. My ex was like a third child for me. He didn't help out around the house he just hung out. I had alot of resentment w/that and with my current freind, I know he doesn't need me to take care of him. <P>It is scary. But I see that my kids are so much happier. Yes my h is still seeing the OW, but I don't think he will ever get married again. A friend of his just told me yesterday, that she is not the kind of girl you would want to introduce to mom or take to meet business associates. Im not sure what that means, but I know that I was a good wife to him and he relied on me to entertain his associates and friends. He doesn't entertain any more. I still do and have been introducing my new friend to the rest of my friends slowly. <BR> <BR> I am content and happy. We settled everything in mediation. My accountant said it was the first mediation he had seen without anger and glares. My h stepped up to the plate and is supporting me and the kids for as long as he has to. I will be fine just like you. Well good luck in the future and by the way you need to change your name get that lonely stuff out of there. Yes you will have downs, but over time you realize they don't last forever, they to are phases. Take care and keep updating.<P>Gerri

Dana,<P>I commend you for your honesty, the whole time you have been here. I am glad you are finding yourself, that is really why we are all here. Take what you have learned here to build you next relationship. The reality is your love bank is empty and likely your H won't ever be able to fill it. That is the the thing we all must come to grips with. Dr. H believes that when we get to that point we can know that we did all we could to try to save or marriage. Keep comming here and giving us a shoulder to cry on when we need it, and when you need a shoulder to cry on.<P>We do love you,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Dana, <BR>I have replied to other posts, and have been on the board for quite a while....I need to update my profile, however, you can search for my past posts. I believe you will see that many of us go through exactly the same things!! Sometimes I wonder if MB is the place for me to be, since I am now divorced, but I love the people here, and know it has helped me tremendosly. If you ever want to talk, just email me at Arabrider@msn.com. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

Lonelymom: I am very happy for you. You found out that you are the important one and deserve happiness. You give me hope.

Sobeit, I am glad to see you on! I don't usually see you here a lot lately. How are you and I hope you are doing better! I am glad that everyone is so supportive and I am glad that people feel I can provide hope. I do agree with the Harley principles, I just couldn't be hurt anymore. Before I met H I was always strong and independent. He pretty much squished the personality right out of me. Now I am remembering what I like learning what I want and I am putting myself first. Don't get me wrong, I put the kids first too, but H is LAST in the entire world. <P>At this point, I definetly would not lay down my life for him any more. That alone is a big step for me. Sobeit you are strong too. You will find your strength and happiness too. I am here if you need me! Dana<BR>

Hi LonelyMom,<P>well done girl. You have been honest with YOURSELF. You deserve a pat on the back.<BR>How could we hate you.? Why would we hate you? Nobody, but nobody, has the right to tell you how to feel, and/or when to feel it. You have made decisions about you and your marriage, and they are your decisions. As they should be.<P>As for the new man, well, I hope I find that too one day. Again, you know what is right for you, and what is wrong. <P>All I want for you is happiness, and peace. We all deserve that. If this new man provides that for you, he has my vote.<P>Be happy my friend. And know that you'll always have my support and friendship.<P>love and hugs to you<BR>Jo

Dana, you go girl! I am sad that your marriage is over but I am glad that you are looking out for your best interests. I kinda thought Plan A was about taking care of the inner person that you are really and that maybe you were putting too much into taking care of him instead of yourself! Anyhow, I did read your e-mail. I've been under the weather lately and hadn't had the time to get on-line for a couple of days. I am glad your doing good and I'm praying for you. Yes, you are looking at reality and the reality is that you could be on the re-bound, but it's a mistake of your own making if it is a mistake. Take care of yourself and know that I'm praying for you! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Dana,<BR>In many ways you sound like my W who is the betrayer. She says the very same things that you say but they were about the OM. From many of the ladies here, I am a very good man. I have only had sex with 2 people and don't desire to be with anyone else.<P>I would offer a word of caution on getting into another relationship now with you being in such great pain. You are likely to get involved with another betrayer because you are still HIGHLY vulnerable. You are vulnerable because you want to be comforted. I know, I was there when my exgrilfriend broke up with me in 1982. It took me 2.5 years to heal after knowing and dating her for 4+ years.<P>I would heal before getting into another relationship. I was fortunate to have close female friend when my exgirlfriend broke up with me and that there were about 900 miles between us so that I couldn't see her when I wanted. She helped me to get my head screwed back on straight. I was dedicated to my exgirlfriend as I am to my W.<P>Understand that love is a decision moreso than a feeling. I don't know if Hope for the Heart has their radio show on the web or not. But, today June Hunt gave the flow of the love concept: agape (unconditional love), phileo (brother love), eros (physical, sexual love). If you can't see yourself loving this person in the event that they get stupid and betray you then I would stay away from going there again.<P>I went into another relationship only because God told me He wanted me to get married. He even told me that He wanted me to marry my W, much like Hosea was told to marry Gomer in the book of Hosea in the old testament. There are those days that I want to leave desparately. Yet, He tells me that it is now my turn to be there for her. I stay because I love Him, her, and our boys. I would hate it if she were to treat me the way I feel when I want to leave.<P><B>I applaud you for making your decision. But I would heal before getting into another relationship. I know that my senses are totally jacked up under these circustances. I wouldn't think of getting into another relationship because it would be devastating to have to go throught his again. It would be my third time. Twice is more than enough for me.<P>MONDO HUG!!!!!!!!!</B><P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

I dont post much but I've followed your story. WOW! You sound so much better and stronger. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!! <BR>Only you know when it was time to give up - think about how your kids will feel seeing their mother so much stronger and happier. You've kept your self respect and you should be proud of yourself. Thats great! Magoskid

Dana,<P>Although my situation is very different than yours, I felt encouraged reading your post. It's so great to read about people feeling good about themselves again. <P>Good Luck

Hey lonelymom,<P>Yes, this is the <B>real</B> RCoaster. I'm very happy for you that you are feeling better about yourself. As you can see (from H's phantom post earlier), my H is still trying to make me feel bad about myself. Doesn't work anymore.<P>Please be careful.

Hi friends,<P>Thanks again for the support. To ProfessorOrg - You bring up a very good point, and yes I will be very careful. I agree, I am extremely vulnerable. I am extremely hurt and confused. And I am also learning how to be "on my own" again too.<P>I feel so strange about the whole thing. I will admit to this, H is being really nice. That is starting to get to me. He called last night for the kids and when he hung up, he sounded so much nicer , like the H I once loved. It sent chills down my spine. I wonder, is he sounding that way (instead of the grinch he was sounding like) because he is now falling in love with OW? Even though I have given up on the marriage, I still feel pain and disappointment.<P>Next week will be tough, its his bday. He is going away with OW and we were supposed to be going away. I want to try to just live my life and be happy and not "react" constantly to his changes.<P>Is it possible he senses me moving along a little, not saying "moving on", but just getting stronger. I just can't figure why he sounds so happy. It drives me nuts. <P>Yes I am feeling much better, but now his newfound happiness is confusing me too. I think he might just want me to move on so he doesn't feel so guilty himself. Oh who knows??<P>Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers. Dana<P><BR>

Gald to hear from you.<P>WOW! I am so happy for you. It sounds like you have found peace with your decision. As far as I am concerned that is what it is all about.<P>I support your decision and relate to your feelings of Plan A taking away your self esteem. I was never much for Plan A. <P>Before I even had evidence of my H's EA, I pretty much told him to choose what he wanted - his relationship with her or me. Yes it was in a loving way but I just couldn't continue with him while he was with her...and I certainly was not about to make him his favorite dinner or go out of my way to be sweet to him while he was cheating on me. At least I could not do it and feel good about myself too.<P>So good for you. When a door closes another one opens us. Seems to me that other door is now opening and you are finding joy in that. <P>Keep us posted. Love to hear about your date!<P>Acacia

Acacia<P>Hi! I haven't seen you around here lately? Although I have been in a daze lately too. <P>Well in all honesty, it went really well. I am very attracted to him, BUT now I feel like I miss H today. What is the reason for this? I was so happy and confident yesterday? Nothing went wrong, everything was fine, so why do I feel this way?? I suspect it leads back to Prof reply.<P>I know I am not "totally" over H, but i am getting there little by little. If I feel totally out of love in a day, there'd be something wrong. Why did I have this reservation now today? I still feel the same about my self esteem , freedom and respect today, but I miss H a little more today??<P>I feel like a fool because I can't figure out my feelings. If your wondering OM is nothing like H, as far as I can tell so far. SO I don't think he reminded me in any way, you know??<P>Talk to you soon, Confused!<BR>

Hi Lonelymom,<BR>I'm glad you feel better about yourself. Plan A is tough and it is difficult to find that line between taking care of yourself with no LB to spouse and being a doormat...<P>Your decision to accept your H's divorce is completely your own. None of us can do something we can't do. We can try, we can learn, we can change, but it still doesn't mean that the marriage will make it.<P>I want to bring up something that troubles me in your post.<P>I saw a lawyer yesterday and one of the things we talked about was other relationships and the effect on children. She advised being very cautious about introducing new OP to kids, as kids do get attached and then if the new relationship also breaks up (she's a lawyer, not an optimist) the kids lose another person they've grown to trust and since they've already seen their parents break up, they will not learn the ways of commitment and longlasting love. She advised waiting 6 months to a year to introduce OP to kids. Your H obviously hasn't done that, but just because he is out of his mind, that should not affect your decisions to do the right thing. <P>I know I'm much more OP conservative than you, I didn't date at all for the 21 months since the first separation, but then, I didn't have divorce papers filed either, so my situation is not the same as yours. 27 is still very young. You've got time. I'm 40 and I feel I have plenty of time, besides we can't count on more than today anyway. A new relationship is exciting...and healing when you've just been run over by your spouse. I just want you to be careful/thoughtful with yourself and with your kids. You don't need to be in a hurry. Your kids are going to be going through a lot and they need at least one parent they can count on.<P>Okay, I'm stepping off my soapbox.<P>Hugs,<BR>Lor

Lor,<P>Thanks for replying, I haven't heard from you in a while. I agree, 6 months to a year is an excellent time frame. I have no intentions of introducing the girls to anyone in the near future. Also, I have no intention to start a new "relationship" just yet. Not that I am saying its totally casual, but its not committed either. I am just taking it slow and examining my feelings. Like I said earlier, I even thought about H last night. How disgusting to have him pop in my head before I went to sleep. <P>Thank you for your concern. I am going to be very cautious with the girls, and eventually when I do introduce them, it will be to my "friend" for a while even before anything. How are you? I hope you are OK.<P>Yes, the thing that pushed me off the deep end was the divorce papers. If you notice my posts, I was taking the abuse hard in Plan A, but once the papers were sent, I snapped. Keep in touch! Dana<BR>PS H moved in with OW a week after discovery too, that had an effect,they have now lived together 2 months.

Lonelymom,<P>Hang in there. Just when I think I'm doing better...I have a bad day too. It's not wrong to think about him. He was a big part of your life. <P>Anyway, I am following your lead and have contacted a single girlfriend of mine to go out on the town with this weekend. I'm excited. Thanks for giving me the idea! <P>Hang in there!<P>TB

Just be very careful, you think H is a creep, there are a whole handful out there!! Be safe and don't drink too much! Just go to have fun! Let me know how it goes!

LonelyMom, I am quite sure your confusing emotions are very normal, as we have all said you will have your moments when you will feel sad or miss H. But you have shared a huge part of your life with this man, your history your hopes, you are not a light switch that can turn it off that is not expected, but think about it, you are further along than you were when this first began, and you thought you wouldn't live through it, but you have. Maybe H is being nice because he knows how horrible he was to you. Maybe he is pretending to be happy as to not look like a fool for any foolish decisions. There are a lot of maybe's but it is not for you to figure out his disposition. Let him be nice, let him be not so nice, just let him be and you be TOO!

trying.. You bring up a lot of good points. I can't figure him out. I couldn't before while I was in Plan A and I certainly can't now. I just don't know what to feel anymore. This life is so crazy.<P>You are right, I was down and almost out before. There were times when I was driving and almost drove my car into an 18 wheeler. Twice. That is sad. Very sad. Sometimes I still wish I did it. I am sure that feeling will fade over time too.<P>I guess I just am shocked that my mood fell down a little today compared to yesterday, on my own, without H to blame this time. Maybe I am so used to this chaos, I am giving myself more trouble. Talk to you later! Dana<BR>

L. Mom.<P>I think I can give you two reasons for your wavering feelings aobut your H. I have heard this called persistance of attachement. It may not be that you still love your H as you used to or that you even like him any more. It is simply that you are not yet used to being without him. It is similar to people who have had a limb amputated but still think they can feel it.<P>My second reason is that you are still in love with the guy your H used to be. And to give up the guy who treated you so badly, you also have to give up on the good guy you once know too - and that is hard.<P>I think your feelings are very normal.<P>And your right,I have not been able to post as often over the past two weeks. I am trying to keep current though. It's nice to know I have been missed.<P>Acacia

Don't you just hate it when your going along feeling good and then boom<BR>something remindes you what your going<BR>thru and your down again! <P>I have some really good moments and then it's back to "what am I going to do!" <BR>I guess it's like they say one day at a time,<BR>Just wish each day would always be more positive than the last, OH FOR HEAVENS SAKE,<BR>I must be suffering from The PollyAnna Syndrom or something <P>I'm glad your doing so much better you have been to H#ll and back(or it just feels like it) and you deserve so much better. Take Care,<P>Does this guy maybe have a much older brother<BR>who would be willing to come South for a while? and enjoy the hot weather? LOL<P>------------------<BR>Peg

Hi everyone,<P>Just a quick update again. Today I am feeling much better again. A song came on the radio today that was about splitting up. Its called Bye Bye Bye, by Backstreet Boys. I was not sad once.<P>I am feeling pretty good today. Getting a little better each day. Happy for that anyhow. <P>Just checking in for any new replies. Dana<BR>

Dana - Divorce is like a Rollercoaster. There will be many ups and downs until it is finally over.<P>I am glad you are more at peace now. No one "hates you for giving up." We all have to decide for ourselves when enough is enough. I, too, decided to give up, because my H was no longer the man I married. He became someone I could no longer respect or trust. There was no way he was going to end it with OW. He is now married to her. I am so much better off without him. I hear through the grapevine that things are not all rosy with him, and that even his co-workers no longer respect him. He lost many friends because of his actions.<P>Please stay strong and keep us posted. My prayers are with you.

Hi Dana,<P>My eyesight is getting a little better each day and I thank you for your prayers...<P>I finally got to read this post of yours (responded to a later one already)...<P>Peronally... <BR>I think some more closure may be in order between you and your H. I can see "those" feelings popping up all too often of him. I don't want to make you feel bad about your decision... it's your's and it's <B>right</B> for you...<BR>But... like Profeesorg and Lor said...<BR>you can practice "carefulness" in a new relationship best by closing off the one with your H.<P>I know you said Plan B wasn't for you...<BR>but some <I>form</I> of it would give you that "closure". Where you won't be questioning yourself. A Plan B letter, for you, would not have to be a "love letter"... or even on asking for H to come back when separated from his OW. But more of an acknowledgment that <B>you've</B> grown... and can better continue growing while there is <B>no contact </B> with him... just that... No begging, pleading... for H to come back... just an acknowledgment of complete separation.<P>This is just an idea...<BR>It sounds like you've grown very comfortable with the idea of being on your own... that is <B>excellent</B>...(definitely the outcome desired at the end Plan B)... now maybe prove it to yourself... with np contact between you and your H?... <P>You've been so kind to me... <BR>I hope I didn't come across as pushy...<BR>...it really is just meant as an idea to think about. <P>Prayers to you Dana... <P>Jim

Jim,<P>Don't ever worry about offending me. I have been hurt so badly that not much "minor" stuff even gets to me lately.<P>That is a good idea about the letter. I like it. I am in the middle of this divorce, getting a resume and plowing through paperwork, but I am putting it on my list of things to do.<P>Actually he is stressing how he wants to be civil, and remain friends, well, that is what is causing my confusion, because I see the old H peaking thru. If I can just kindly tell him, I am not ready for all this friendliness and give me some space, would that be close to a Plan B ending> Let me know!! Dana<BR>

2 cents worth on your H from personal experience:<P>It is possible that your husband did not like the clingy needy you. The kind of person with no life and no mystery. A person that was merely a mirror of his personality. Now, that you are becoming strong, independent, etc. you are becoming much more attractive to him. However, his flawed character (he was unfaithful) may not be changing.<P>Don't feel guilty about giving up on your marriage too soon, you are the only one who has to feel comfortable with the decision. I respect you strength and integrity.

<B>lonelymom</B><P>I understand engineer_bob's reply, but I don't agree with it. When we entered into our relationship with our S we were 'ourselves.' As we continue in our lives together changes occur, like who gets to stay home with the kids, who does the grocery shopping, who takes out the garbage (all those little mundane tasks of day to day life). Does this mean that because we would still like some affection in our lives and request it from our spouses that we are being <B>too</B> needy? Perhaps, as viewed by our spouses - I think not. Once again, we get blamed for anothers actions - they had an affair so it must, somehow, be all (or at least partially) our fault. We all feel this anyway.<P>Why beat ourselves up about how we failed? Does it really serve a purpose? Self examination is great, how can <B>I</B> become a better person - for myself, but to continue blaming ourselves - sorry, I'm tired of it. Personally, I did not <B>drive</B> my H into the arms of OW - and I will not blame myself for my reactions to it. We have a right to our feelings, too.<P>Okay, so I'm beginning to babble. I just get quite upset when someone blames 'being too needy' as a reason for why spouses have, or continue, affairs.

Hi friends,<P>To engineer Bob - Part of your reply may have been taken out of context. I was not clingy, but I was a wreck when I found out of the affair. I have actually always been the strong one in our marriage, my H was clingy and needy and did nothing for me. Didn't help with the day to day stuff very well, didn't console me when I was hurt, and always needed me to do something for him. I was the giver and he was the taker. There was no in between. I agree though, he does see a different person standing before him. Maybe he likes it, too bad for him, because today, I really don't care. Don't get me wrong, I know more bad days are ahead. But it feels good to not NEED him at all. Yes I need his child support which isn't much to pay for helping raise 3 children, but other than that, I sometimes wish he just wasn't around at all.<P>TO RC - How are you doing? I did blame myself 100% in the beginning. THen I blamed OW 100%, like my H was some lost little boy who had been taken advantage of. Now I blame my H for most of it. Some of the stuff OW does is uncalled for, but he is a sweet talker, and she doesn't know that yet. I truly know she'll get what she deserves in time. But I offered to save the marriage on several occasions, he wanted no part in it. So at that point, I will NEVER blame myself for the break down of the marriage. I really don't blame myself for the affair either, which I think according to Harley is wrong, according to SAA book. But , not that I was perfect, BUT I did what ever he asked of me. So had he asked me to make changes to make our marriage better, I would have.<P>He met someone, he felt that spark, he thinks she's better than me, so he walked out, on XMAS day. He thinks the grass is greener. Yes they have a fat income tax check and no bills right now, but wait til child support, and his half of the bills kick in. He won't be able to golf once a week anymore now that he has kids every other weekend. He doesn't notice it yet, but in a few months, they will see a different side to one another. <P>Genie (i think that was her) had a great post today about what goes on, in the affair with H and OW. I can see what she means. I can see how this makes the affair die the natural death too. <P>I can't wait to see it die. I am sorry , I know that is wrong of me, but I can't wait. I want to see H feel guilt, pain and remorse. Sad thing is, he better have friends like our good friend Sobeit, because he truly is the clingy needy one. I have already told him those tactics will mean nothing to me down the road. (he has done this once before)<P>Thanks for all the replies. I really thought people would think I gave up too soon. I almost think its not a matter of length of time, but severity of abuse you take in the mean time. Some men, cut all ties with W and kids, and mine is the opposite, ramming himself down my throat every minute. He has been cruel and disgusting and I have not one bit of trust, respect or happy thought for him right now. I honestly don't think I can forgive him for what he has done. <P>Have a great weekend to you all, I am going out on the town tonite and I WILL have a great time. I am loving my freedom right now, and getting used to loving life again too!<P>Dana<BR>

Hey Dana,<BR>Did you get that book?<BR>You Really really need to get it!<P><P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>catfrommb@yahoo.com