Dear Anne,<P>Thank you for sharing your pain, and allowing us to minister to you in your time of need.
<P>I am a Christian counselor who was betrayed by his wife. In working through my own pain, I discerned many truths about the dynamics of unfaithfulness. I hope what I share helps you and your H better understand what you are fighting against.<P>You've been at this site for a while, so I'll assume you are familiar with MB concepts. I think they are great, and use them all the time in counseling people. But no paradigm can encompass everything, so I would like to share answers with you from a completely different perspective.<P>Right now, your H's behavior must be difficult for you to understand. It's even difficult for him to understand! But there are reasons for everything that is happening, it's just that so many of the motivations are under the surface and hidden, even from your H.<P>It sounds like your H really wants to stop his interest in the OW, but can't. An affair is a form of addiction, and it can drive people to terrible choices. The explanation that follows is actually written to the betrayer (your H), but you may benefit greatly by understanding what is going on. If, after you have read it enough to have it sink in, you believe it accurately portrays what your H is going through, have him read it, too. I hope it will help both of you.<P>Here goes...<P>Human beings are shaped like triangles when it comes to decision making. The two bottom corners of the triangle are our sources of input. Let's call them Thinker and Feeler. Thinker is your rational mind. Feeler is your emotions. Each has access to your five senses and memories. At the top of the triangle is Will. Will evaluates the input of Thinker and Feeler, but the ultimate decision is always made by Will.<P>Whenever a situation calls for a decision to be made, Thinker sends its input up to Will. Feeler does as well. Will evaluates the strength of each of the inputs and makes a decision accordingly. Thus, if presented with the dessert tray at a restaurant, Thinker might send, "You don't need the extra calories. Pass it up. On a scale of 1-10, intensity 6." Feeler smells the chocolate fudge and responds, "I have to taste that! On a scale of 1-10, intensity 9." Will receives both inputs and chooses to order the fudge because Feeler's input was stronger.<P>For most situations in life, the above process occurs without conscious effort. And, for the most part, the process works well. Every once in a while, though, it leads us down the wrong path. To get back on the right path, we need to change the process.<P>Over the years, unresolved issues most likely built up in the marriage, and your Feeler began sending increasingly strong signals to Will that something had to change. Initially, Thinker kept sending, "I must have my needs met within the marriage." And so, Will chose to side with Thinker.<P>With each time that Will took Thinker's advice and your needs still went unmet, Feeler yelled louder and Thinker became less certain that your needs would be met in the marriage. Inexorably, the point was reached where Feeler's "Yes!" became stronger than Thinker's "No!" From that moment forward, you slid down the slippery slope of the road to adultery.<P>Every now and then, your Thinker would get a boost from your conscience, the Bible or some other source that stiffened its resolve. For a short while, you would decide to not see the OW. Your Thinker sent a message to Will that this behavior cannot be tolerated. But, by then, Feeler was stuck on a 10 intensity. Sooner or later, Thinker lessened its input, and you slid back down the road again.<P>The issue on which Feeler is a solid 10 is whether to continue the affair, and to continue to experience the emotional rush that it offers. On other issues, Feeler's input may vary greatly. A person with a well-developed sense of right and wrong will inevitably experience great remorse and guilt over their betrayal of their spouse and their rebellion against God. On this issue, Thinker and Feeler may be in perfect agreement: "What I am doing is wrong! I should feel guilty." And so the person does experience guilt and remorse. But because this issue is separate from whether to continue the affair, the guilt does not cause them to stop the affair, only to wistfully want to.<P>If this sounds familiar, then praise God! There is an answer (it assumes that you and your H have a personal relationship with God. If you don't, but would like to, please let me know and I'll share how...)<P>The only way to break out of this cycle is to change the process. God gave you free will. It was the most expensive gift in the universe (God gave it knowing that it would cause all the sin in the world, plus the suffering and death of Jesus). Nothing, not even your emotions, can ever rob you of your free will.<P>Will can always choose what to do. It may be hard, especially when a pattern has been established. But you never lose accountability for your choices, and you never lose the power to choose.<P>At times, it may truly seem that you are powerless. You are not. It only seems that way because you have not yet correctly understood how to alter the process of your decision making.<P>God will never allow you to become powerless against a sin. Deception may cause you to believe you are powerless, and as long as you believe that lie, you will be helpless. Recognize the deception, and you will see that the way out was there all along. So that you can be sure what I am saying is true, consider these words from Paul's letter to the Corinthians: <P>"No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able; but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it." I Cor. 10:13. <P>Here is the way of escape from this sin:<P>1. Recognize and accept that emotions lie. We cannot trust them to know what is best for us.<P>2. Believe that you have not lost your free will (Will is still in control of your decision making).<P>3. Will must choose to act on what you KNOW to be true from the word of God, and to disregard Feeler's input.<P>4. Accept that it is not at all necessary for your feelings to change in order for Will to choose to do what is right. When Feeler screams, "10! 10! 10!," Will replies, "I understand that is what I am feeling, but I choose to follow the Word of God anyway." <P>Your prior efforts failed, in part, because Feeler still wants the emotional high from the affair. When you tried to break things off and make it work with your wife, Feeler didn't feel better! You were allowing a temporary surge from Thinker to override Feeler. Once the intensity of Thinker was depleted (it always will be sooner or later) your Will once again bowed to Feeler, whose intensity had not decreased at all.<P>The way out is completely different. Choose what to do independent of input from Thinker or Feeler. Then it doesn't matter what input Feeler sends, the decision has already been made!<P>I don't mean to make light of the effort involved in this. While the answer is surprisingly simple, it will take great steadfastness to carry out. But here's the reason you will be successful: It's not Feeler against Thinker anymore. You are placing all your hope and trust in the Word of God, and that Rock is able to withstand any onslaught of emotions. <P>...<P>I'm sorry this was such a lengthy reply. It takes time to convey a new concept and a new solution. I know you are hurting, but your best chance to stop hurting is to really understand the root problem. Please post back if you have any questions.<P>Best Wishes,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P><p>[This message has been edited by BrokenButNotCrushed (edited March 29, 2000).]