What I like most about my spouse - Marriage Builders® Forums

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Thought it might be helpful to turn our minds to something good: what I like most about my spouse. I'll start:1) gentle2) doesn't raise his voice, never uses harsh/bad language3) has nice coloring (eyes, skin, hair)4) is not demanding or pushy5) likes to hike, various sports, recreational interests are same as mine

Great idea, Sifted!1) He's a lot of fun to be with.2) We tease and joke around a lot.3) He has become more dependable and agreeable to help out.4) He's very loving.5) He tells me I'm beautiful (almost everyday) even when I'm not!6) He's a great Dad!7) He's ambitious.8) He cares about others, not just himself.9) He shares his feelings more w/me.10) He puts up w/me!!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Hmmm, isn't it interesting that we are often thinking of the same things on this board.The most endearing quality of my spouse is her ability to bring out the passion in people. Very few have a neutral opinion of her. They either adore her or don't like her at all.I don't know that I wil feel the passion towards another that I have felt towards her.Then again, with my feelings over the past 6 months, that may not be a bad thing.

OK. I'll play. I have to start looking at the positive things. Maybe this will help.1) He does the laundry 2) He's been a very good stepfather to my son 3) He supports me in things I do 4) He's not a control freak. 5) He doesn't drink or use drugs or gamble 6) He participates in church activities with me 7) He's trying very hard to do all the things I need him to do. (lose weight, communicate more, etc)

Truthseeker,Glad to see you join in. I see you making an honest effort in trying to understand your relationship. I admire that.Funny, some of the things you mentioned are more things I could mention about my husband:not a control freak, doesn't drink, gamble or use drugs (I'll also add - doesn't do pornography), participates in church activities with me and trying hard to do all the things I need him to do (communicate more, be more supportive, initiate more). Maybe we have similar husbands?!Do you know what type (sorry to get on that subject again!) your husband is? Mine is ISFP. I am INFJ.

Yes...wonderful idea, Sifted! My husband and I were just talking about all the things we have to be grateful for in our lives...this just adds to that!1) very easygoing 2) Even though he doesn't drink coffee, he will make it for me. 3) helps me keep the house picked up. 4) very organized 5) a gifted leader/teacher 6) athletic 7) incredibly patient 8) like Momma said, "he puts up with me!" 9) best of all, he actually likes to take me shopping and pick out clothes, which I don't like to do.... what a gem, huh? 10) he runs and works out with me 11) excellent cook!Sifted...I had a feeling you were an INFJ....so am I. My H's an ESTJ. [This message has been edited by wings (edited June 21, 2000).]

Sifted,He's an ISFJ. I'm an INFP.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by TruthSeeker: Sifted,He's an ISFJ. I'm an INFP.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Okay, girls! I don't know what these initials stand for. Maybe someone can explain? BTW, I'm feeling pretty darn good today! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I'm actually going to make myself get some work done today, instead of being here all day! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Talk to you all later.[This message has been edited by momma (edited June 21, 2000).]

There were several threads about personality types in the Emotional Needs form.The letters are from the quiz on this site: <A HREF="http://www.personalitytype.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.personalitytype.com/</A> Glad you're feeling better! <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR> I'm actually going to make myself get some work done today, instead of being here all day! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I know EXACTLY what you mean! [This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited June 21, 2000).]

Maybe despite my rambling of the last few days, I am falling in love again, 'cause I'm thinking of more passionate things. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

We used to sing a rhyme at a girls' camp where I was a counsellor:Give me a man Who is tall, dark and tan And he looks like an Esquire ad.Give him physique And a latin technique And a smile that will drive women mad.Give him some charm That will do him no harm And a come hither look in his eye,When he comes my way, I'll do my best to make him sta-a-ay. Camp Crestridge for girls!That describes my h perfectly.He is charming and sexy, bright and passionate. He too has a personality that people will either love him or hate him.And most of all, he's teachable. He's learning to be affectionate, open, a great Dad and my best friend. [This message has been edited by schizzo (edited June 21, 2000).]

Wow, ladies, how encouraging to read all these great things. As a friend recently said (who has struggles too): we're all individually fine people, so why are we having this tough time? I guess it is the living together, compromises, our sin nature...Wings, so you don't like to shop for clothes? Neither do I (my husband doesn't either, so we are the same in that). We'd both much rather be outdoors doing something active. So, I'm thankful for that. Actually, when I look back on pictures from our dating years they are all about us doing something recreationally. We are both very athletic. So I have pictures of us skiing, running, biking, hiking, tennis, backpacking... It is our area of least conflict. I guess I kind of took it for granted until I recently talked to a someone who is so frustrated because she and her husband can't find anything similar they would like to do. She likes to shop, he wants to golf, etc. I never thought about that as a big problem, because we don't struggle with that. Just goes to show we often can fall into focusing on what isn't working and take the other stuff for granted.By the way, my sister is an INFJ and her husband is an ESTJ - same combo you have, Wings. They have a very good marriage and strong family life. A little more "J" in my husband would make my life a little less "irritating", but sometimes those "irritations" are just what we need to to build character and soften (or stretch) us, whichever the case. I have always said, my purpose in my husband's life is to encourage him beyond what he would ever reach for and give him a vision for what he can become, his in my life is to "constantly throw a wrench into my carefully constructed plans" to cause me to be more flexible and "soften" some of the hard edges. I can get so determined! Truthseeker, you have a similar combo to my husband and I (except "J" and "P" are reversed). I have a very good friend who is the same as you and I admire her enthusiasm for life. I can see why we are struggling, but there are good things too and it is good to set our minds on those things. Maybe it is our (and all NFs) lot in life to always be a little discontent, always reaching for more, looking at the vision, what "could be". Good sometimes to think about "what is". Keep me updated on your quest! I understand.Momma - glad you are having a "darn good day"! You guys are keeping me going! I'm on day 5 of no contact (this time around). I think it will get tougher as the next few weeks go by. I'll remember how you remained faithful yesterday!

Sifted, <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR> So I have pictures of us skiing, running, biking, hiking, tennis, backpacking... It is our area of least conflict. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I envy you for that. That's the sort of thing that is so missing for me. I like doing those things. My H likes watching them on TV. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR> Maybe it is our (and all NFs) lot in life to always be a little discontent, always reaching for more, looking at the vision, what "could be". <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I think it's healthy to always remain at least a little discontent. If we were always content, how would we grow? Contentedness leads to stagnation. I don't ever want to be content enough to stagnate. I think maybe that's what I'm fighting about my marriage. I'm afraid of being content to the point of stagnation.Of course, being discontented all the time isn't good either, always thinking that "what is" isn't good enough and always searching for the something better that doesn't exist.

Truthseeker,I am totally comfortable with being a "little discontent". I don't see that as negative at all. It is interesting, always stretching and growing, reaching for more, having a vision. It makes life very interesting! I am very satisfied with my personality type. I mainly mentioned it because it helps us get perspective on why we can tend to feel disatisfied at times. When I realize that I am feeling that way because I am vision-oriented, I can accept the way I feel more easily, rather than get down feeling like my life is just in a big rut.[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 21, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by siftedlikewheat: I have always said, my purpose in my husband's life is to encourage him beyond what he would ever reach for and give him a vision for what he can become, his in my life is to "constantly throw a wrench into my carefully constructed plans" to cause me to be more flexible and "soften" some of the hard edges<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hey sifted, ya skipped me! BTW, I replied back on hi Wings.We do think alike! My h is like you, has helped me to stre-e-e-tch. I don't only throw wrenches, I often am the dose of reality when he gets carried away.TS, you are so right about avoiding stagnation! However, sometimes the rest of us would like some peace and calm. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

There is certainly never a dull moment around here...You know, I don't think it's a coincidence that so many betrayers share personality types. I don't think it means I was more content with the relationship. Far from it. It doesn't make me a better person, just less likely to look "outside" for the solution.I was married to an insensitive guy who was not meeting my needs, too busy loving his work and travel, and on top of it he went "outside" the marriage looking for fulfillment. It was the ultimate slap given the sacrifices I've made so he could pursue his career. But we have both grown tremendously as we've internalized Harley's principles.[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited June 21, 2000).]

Sorry Schizzo! I replied to you on the other thread also. Interesting what you say about the peace and calm (sounds just like my husband) - "Oh, no, another idea of yours! I'm happy the way things are, why are you always thinking of the next thing!". Which to me is like throwing a wet blanket on all my "exciting and stimulating ideas!" But I guess us visionaries need you guys to keep us grounded once in a while. Actually the "J" in me keeps me pretty grounded because I am very organized, prepared, like closure and plans. So, that keeps me a little closer to the ground then some of my other NF friends!Thanks for your thoughts which put little "bees in my bonnet".[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 21, 2000).]

Hi All...Sifted...way to go...Five days, no contact! I'm on day four! I'm feeling much stronger having read through some of the postings here lately. Schizzo... In no way have you been "rambling" here lately. You have helped me so much, I can't begin to tell you. Your understanding of the situation as well as your insight into what you and your H have been through has helped me see this from a completely different vantage point. My H doesn't communicate with me about the reality of where I've been. He doesn't want to. Perhaps as Sifted said, it's because I have the controls right where I want them. I realize I have to let go of those controls. Momma...so glad you made it through yesterday. I hope you get a lot of work done...and do take that personality test, it's a fun bit of information to understand how we and our mates relate from a personality standpoint...Good day, Lady!

Hey, gals! I know I'm supposed to be working! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I worked very hard this morning, so I'm giving myself a little break! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I'm glad you guys are feeling stronger right now, I'm not feeling quite as strong as I have been. It's funny when I think I'm doing so well, then I'm actually not! Just wanted you to know that you guys are the ones keeping me going these last couple of days. (My H and I are kinda gripy at each other!) Thanks for your support through my "crazy" time. I'm still struggling a bit wanting to contact XOM, but the more I read and respond here, the less I think about him. I'm so proud of you Sifted and Wings for your days of no contact! It's a wonderful start, though it may get harder. I want to continue my no contact, so I can inspire, you, too. Then on those days you guys are feeling weak, I can support you. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I've gone so long w/out contacting that I can't ruin it now! Right? Right!! Thanks, gals! You all hold a special place in my heart! I'm so glad I have some new friends!!!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[This message has been edited by momma (edited June 22, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by wings: Schizzo... In no way have you been "rambling" here lately. You have helped me so much, I can't begin to tell you. Your understanding of the situation as well as your insight into what you and your H have been through has helped me see this from a completely different vantage point<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Wings, thank-you so much. I never know if anything I say is helping. I see a light at the end of the tunnel as my h and I reconnect (no, it's not an uncoming train) and I come here hoping to lend a hand to others who may not see it yet.By "rambling" I was referring specifically to my joining in on the thread wondering if I'll ever have the connection. The desire has been there for a very long time, while the glimpses I've had of its fulfillment are very recent. I almost don't let myself believe we could really have this wonderful in-loveness.Especially with him gone all week, it's easy for me to start wondering again if it can work.Sifted, I couldn't open the link to the personality test - may be my crappy modem, now running on 9600 bpms. But that's my h, always pushing the envelope and organized. He still needs grounding sometimes, performs total flip-flops. I posted happily to Lostva about how HE came to ME and convinced me that he realized it was time to quit his job (heavy travel, stress, etc.) and he thought of the perfect business. He really sold me on it. He had an answer for every objection and we talked for hours.Next day he tells me sheepishly things were looking good at work, wasn't such a good idea after all. But I've gotten used to this. Don't panic anymore or even try to talk him out of it. It's tough feeling stable, though, and I'm a mom with 2 little kids. Do you do stuff like that??

I took the quiz. I'm ISFJ, I waiver between the Sensor and Intuitive. My H is ESTP, see how different we are?! But we can compliment each other, too. That quiz is interesting.

Schizzo,In answer to your question about whether I have big ideas like your husband (quitting his job, then the next day realizing it isn't such a good idea): I have a lot of ideas, but not always on such a grand scale. I am pretty disciplined so I don't tend to have a big idea and then change the next day, but I do sometimes get excited about things, tell my husband and then later drop it. That is partly because the telling is a way to share ideas, but not all of them can be realized. I have learned to have balance in my life and to say "no" to some things, based on my priorities (otherwise I get spread way too thin). I have many interests, but realize I cannot realistically pursue them all - and I have learned to live with that. Since I am the wife in the family I often have tried to defer to my husband, believing that I was honoring him and respecting him. For me that has meant giving up a lot of dreams, at great sacrifice. In my marriage I feel I have died a thousand deaths and it is like whole parts of me have died. I have built up resentment towards him because of this. Usually my husband has no idea what giving up a dream has cost me, since he doesn't feel as passionately about it as I do. He is just relieved it is gone. That does hurt me and he is just now realizing how pursuing some of those dreams are very important for me. ("way to love an INFJ is to encourage them in their dreams".) When he recently realized this for the first time (instead of just always trying to squelch everything) he felt badly and asked if I had any dreams left. I said I would try to find some more! I am trying to understand how it feels for him and what makes him feel so reluctant. It is all about understanding each other.

Sifted, Wow! This is too interesting!Do you mind sharing some ideas that you said are not such a grand scale? 'Cause it seems my h's are always big. He is so totally committed to one, then changes soooo fast. And they are big. Besides changing jobs, he has wanted to move to South America, buy a beachfront condo (costs a lot more than we got), the list goes on.He's always looking for something more, pushing the envelope. Even before the affair he talked of threesomes which I cannot do. So I can't say why your h resists, but I perceive most of his big ideas as threats to the stability and well-being of our family. Some things would be different if we had no kids.He always wants what he cannot have, so the roving eye at pretty women has always been a problem, and I'm not sure whether he will be faithful no matter how in-love we get. BTW, we are Christians too.Enough about us, though I would love your feedback. This is still the scariest part of recommitting to him, trying to understand him.I can really relate to deferring to h and building up resentment. That's what I did. Only for me it meant supporting his dreams. He took a job 6 years ago that was over 50% travel when I was pregnant with the first child. I have mostly raised them by myself. We lost $12k on a new business idea last year between his affairs.He was the stereotypical businessman that is portrayed in comedies: glued to his cell phone and laptop, even on our infrequent dates.Learning to reach enthusiastic agreement on our decisions is the most revolutionary concept I found in Harley's material. He still comes with new ideas, but I know they will be fully discussed until I'm enthusiastic, I won't be sandbagged.Don't get me wrong, I have ideas to, but not on that scale. I was happy living here when he started pushing the condo.I'm open to almost anything if I don't think it will harm us. To offset the ongoing travel demands, we've rearranged our lives this year and I have followed him to 3 continents, spending more than 9 weeks in hotels, with kids, without kids.We took the kids to Buenos Aires and put them in a preschool for the 3 weeks we were there. It was a fascinating thing to pull off. Finding the school, cheap tickets on the net (plane stopped 3 times on the way, though).H works for a Company that recently went IPO. We did decide on that condo and made a deposit knowing we can only afford it IF that stock takes off.Getting long here, sorry. I can live on the edge too, though it's not exactly natural for me.Sifted, please help me think this through. This aspect of his personality is the last big obstacle in our way. Can this be reigned in? You mentioned being disciplined.I remember clearly it was his passion to reach all of Miami in a theater group when we first met and all his big ideas that first attracted me to him. And I fell hard. It is a good mix with my more laid back ways, but will it ultimately destroy us??

Hi again Schizzo,Wow - I can empathize with the stretching you have had to do! I don't know your husband's type (except the (N) intuitive part), but he sounds a bit different than me. Some of those ideas would be quite a stretch for me too.I am intuitive, which makes me have ideas, want to grow and change and have a vision that inspires me to reach upward, but I am also cautious, planful, organized and deliberate (that is the "J" part of me). I am guessing your husband is the "P" rather than the "J". I am not a big spender, but rather cautious with money and am pretty realistic as far as taking risks.Here are some of my dreams: the first was our honeymoon. I wanted to go to Portugal. Since we got married in Germany that isn't as exotic (or expensive) as it sounds. In fact it is only a few hours plane flight from Germany and Portugal isn't expensive. I was getting brochures, planning where to stay, etc. I was even planning on paying for it (we got off to an early start with me being so over responsible and taking the initiative). Whenever I would show my husband-to-be the brochures and talk about the trip he just dragged his feet and wouldn't commit. Never really gave me a good reason. It didn't seem right to me to drag my husband somewhere he didn't want to go on our honeymoon (kind of a POJA, but one-sided), so I picked another place (Northern German island - pretty boring there) and that is where we went.Before I married I had plans to become a physical therapist. He was kind of interested in it, so I started talking about us both doing that and having a practice together. I was always talking about it and assumed he was "on board". He didn't voice any reservations. After we married I continued with those plans, taking a few prerequisites and applying to programs. He decided he didn't want to go back to school and work that hard. Then after I was accepted at a number of schools (all outside my state, all requiring a move) he dragged his feet and really didn't want to move. So, I thought it was the right thing to do to respect him and I gave it up. That hurt me for a long time - about 10 years!Other ideas have been homeschooling (finally gave into that, but with lots of dragging of feet and passive behavior), vacations (even simple ones that were not expensive), simple remodeling projects around the house (nothing too grand there). Early on I had plans for him such as getting an MBA, but I soon learned he could not be pushed into anything he didn't want to do. So, mostly I just follow my own interests, like taking a computer class, learning a new language, going to a workshop... tame things like that! Usually he discourages me by saying "why would you want to do that?" and isn't very supportive or helpful. Last year I wanted to get a dog, thinking it would be a good thing for our children. He didn't want to, but we finally did and he resented it for quite awhile and wanted nothing to do with the dog. Now he is softening a little, but I had to go to all the dog classes and read books etc. myself. He didn't ask any questions or show any interest.I feel like I'm just complaining now - sorry. But I don't think I am unreasonable. I'm not sure where all the resistance comes from, but he is slowly starting to open up to look at that (all since the affair). To be honest it has been very hurtful for me over the years to have so much resistance and so little support. No excuses, but I was extremely vulnerable to the affair - the OM genuinely admired all those qualities in me and I felt like I came alive again. Rather than being intimdated by me and my ideas, he encouraged them. That is what makes it so hard and scary to go back, fearing that resistance again. But I do think my husband is willing to work on this. These are all things we will need to discuss as we get more honest with each other and slowly take down the barriers of hurt.You mention your husband's personality as the last big obstacle for you. Well my husband's personality (exactly the opposite of yours) is a big obstacle for me. But I do not think the situation is hopeless. It gets back to POJA (is your husband open to this?) and "esteeming others better than ourselves". That is, taking the other person into consideration. That is love.Your husband will probably always have a tendency/desire to try new things and take certain risks. Mine will have the tendency to resist and hold back. If we practice POJA and love, anything is possible. (doesn't mean it is easy!)[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 21, 2000).]

Sifted,Thanks for replying back. My h came home from his trip this morning. I expected he would just say hi and run off to work (his usual pattern), but instead he asked what I was planning. I'm the one that felt a bit distant this time. Told him what my plans were and I would see him later.He asked if we could go out for bagels first. We did, and I skipped my plans and we spent all morning together. What will happen next?Funny thing that your dreams sound a lot like mine (not the pt, but vacations, kid plans, etc), so maybe it is not so much a personality difference as a failure to grasp the importance these things hold for us.I wanted to take a cruise on our honeymoon. (We live near Miami so the cost is a much lesser issue than it sounds too). We went to Cancun so we could attend some meetings there because he was thinking of working for the guy. On our honeymoon!So I too set up a pattern from the beginning of giving in to him. The funny thing is he didn't want to cruise because he thought it would be too confining. When we finally went on one, he loved it!I have often dragged my feet on his grandiose plans, but he has cast mine aside as unimportant. But I let that happen, it's my doing!I have learned so much about myself in these last months. And my h and I have broken the communications barrier. He told me something really interesting today. We have broken the communication barrier on a lot of negative things (very hurtful), but now we can start really communicating on positive things.It is so true. For awhile there, it seemed there would never be anything but negative stuff to talk about. And today he also said he would like to start getting inside my head and learning how I think. I thought I would never hear that.Getting long again. I only know how to write books, not notes. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

------------------ Cindy

I like this thread!1) Is good to our son, reads to him at night, corrects his math homework, plays with him, thinks of things to make him happy (things that I forget, like gifts for easter and valentines day)2) Helps with the dishes, sets the table, is a good conversationalist (always has been) and is never boring. Helps around the house without making a point of asking for recognition for it.3) Turns off the TV (even while watching football) when guests come to the house. Always is polite to everybody.4) Is good to his parents, patient and respectful and attentive5) Is very honest about money6) Is modest, never boastful7) Remembered our anniversary this year, called to suggest we go to one of the French restaurants we'd gone to in the past when he still thought he was in love8) Is going to marriage counseling, though he doesn't think we need it any more, even doing the homework exercises, even when he can't see the point of them9) Is a good provider10) Right now is laying low about contacting the OW and isn't talking about her any more 11) I like his face, the way he looks. He isn't a classic model type, and he's not a "beefcake", but I think he's attractive. He has also very nice hands. 12) Remembers birthdays, anniversaries (I don't!)

There's an old Carpenter's song that I used to sing when I flirted with him:"On the day that you were born the angels got together and decided to create a dream come true, and they sprinkled gold dust in your hair and starlight in your eyes of blue...that is why all the girls in town"...blah, blah blahMy husband is incredibly creative, very intelligent, hysterically funny, passionate, sensitive, warm, loving, generous, sensuous (really knows how to turn up the heat) and makes me crazy in bed. He really does it for me. I love the way he looks...he's so ruggedly handsome, not a pretty boy, and his humor is quick and dry. He has a lot of charisma, like Kennedy, and his eyes are blue, but they are 'navy' blue...very intense. He is interested in everyone he meets and makes people feel important and special. Today, in recovery, I have 'intermittent' gratitude and joy. Even if I never feel the way I used to again, what I am feeling now is still more than what I ever had with anyone else.Catnip =^^=