shocked at the news I found 1 week ago - Marriage Builders® Forums

Marriage Builders

Hello out there!!!!! For the past 3 months my wife has become increaseingly meaner to me. She has a Hotmail account that is her private email. I began to poke around last tuesday and was actually able to break in. To my horror I found tons of love letters from a guy at work. My initial reaction was full of LBs. And that went on for 3 days. Still in emotional shock, I find my every thought is consumed by this and I find myself crying all the time( I haven't cried in years). I've lost 12 pounds. and I can't work. (I hope they don't fire me). We have 2 children, one 6 and one 13. My wife of 6 years and my soulmate for the past 9 says she doesn't love me and she has finally found true love and her soulmate at work. She said because I'm willing to work it out she will hang in and give it a try, and I told her she must stop seeing her lover. She agreed (lasted 2 days). I realize after reading the Basic Concepts that I tok my wife for granted for years and never displayed my love unless I was properly motivated. I blame myself for the affair. The biggest problem I have is OM works with her and she cannot easily leave him, nor does she think she can. She said she loves me in a care for you way but she is not in love with me at all and all her love is going to him. The thought of leaving him makes her ill. He is married but told me that he would leave his W for Teri. My W believes that he is true happieness and she could never get that with me. I try to be nice and deposit love units, but for some reason I keep fouling up by constantly calling her at work and "spying on her". I love her but it kills me she won't stop and consider what she is giving up. I think the only reason she is here is because she is afraid of losing the kids. I don't plan on getting a divorce, but was wanting help with how to cope with my emotions and to better fill her love bank. Where is this Plan A document I can't find it on this website. I need it badly. To her it is ike I'm going overboard and she doesn't know what to think. I feel helpless and out of control. Wil she be able to come back and love me again?

Homer:Welcome. You've come to the right place. Jim (NSR) should be along in a while to give you the information you need about Plan A. Please let me assure you that there is nothing unique about your wife's affair. It's all been heard before (even to the same words). You are fortunate that you have found Marriagebuilders because here you can find the information and help you need to try to restore your marriage.Some general hints. (1) Read everything you can on this site (particularily the Read-only Posts because there is lots of information available there). This will give you a good foundation for exploring what your next steps will be. (2) Realize what a gift you've been given by your wife's continuing to stay and try to work it out with you. (3) Get control of yourself for everyone's sake. Don't continue to be a victim...you need to be strong for your children and your wife.Let me assure you all is not lost. Patience will work wonders and we'll all be here when you need to vent.Buffy[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 22, 2000).]

Welcome Homer,I'm sorry you are going through this mess. Let me assure you that you are in the right place to learn a lot.Buffy is so right. Most of us on these boards have heard the same statement from our spouses that you're hearing. It will be a long road to travel Homer, so gear up and get ready. You, like the rest of us, will make a ton of mistakes, but you will learn from them.Your wife is in the "fog" of infidelity. You will be treated like crap. You will get mad and frustrated. Use this board for those times. Ther are so many wise people here that have gone through this for months or years. When you want to vent, rant, rave...come her and do it. We will listen, calm you down, get you back on your path. It's worked for me so many times. Sometimes replies to your posts will be slow, don't loose patience. I've learned so much from going into the "read only" posts. Go to work if you can. I know that is so hard right now, but you have to try to keep your life as normal as possible. Don't let your W see you falling apart.As Buffy said, Jim will come along with some wonderful posts for you to read. In the meantime you can go to the "concepts" section and do some learning there.Keep posting and hang in there. You will begin to feel stronger. Knowledge is power.allison

Homer - {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Homer}}}}}}}}}}}}}I answered you on Missy's thread.Take care of yourself, give yourself a little time for the shock to start to wear off ....you deserve that.There is still hope and much that you can do. We'll be here for you - every step of the way.Hang in there, and don't lose hope.Lori

If you have a sympathetic supervisor, confide in them if you feel comfortable. I withheld the facts from my manager until it was almost too late and my performance was noticably effected. He game me 'room' and I was able to let work become a great diversion.RRunRR

thanks for the support,

Homer,How are you? Let us know please. There are people here who care.allison

I really don't know, the thoughts are still consumeing me. I haven't LB in 2 days. but W still says she is in love with her "soulmate". It angers me and hurts as well that she has been so cold. Sometimes I wonder why I should try. My ENs are being completely ignored as you might expect they would be. That is killing me, I need a little affection. She says she is trying to stay and work on our marrige (we still sleep in the same bed and continue with life like nothing has happened.) but she can't stop seeing OM. I asked her to break off contact with him and she said ok. It lasted only 2 days, she told me that she can't just stop loving someone and needs to be with him.(knife turning slllllloooooowwwwwly). I want to stay married but wonder if I'm wasting my time. I love her, she is the mother of my children. I don't understand how this OM can possibly be more important than her whole family. This will hurt the kids if we come to a Divorce. I'm still so confused, and trying to come to terms with my new life. It is difficult to Plan A when you are constantly being hurt. One good thing I'm not constantly crying anymore. Does anyone know how long this torture is supposed to last, I can't stand the hours between 8 and 5 Mon - Fri. She is with him at work. I found they take lunches at his house it is only around the corner and his W is married to her work so she is never home.I appreciate the encouragement, I look at it everyday sometimes 3 and 4 times. I need all the help I can get to keep from LBing. My worst nightmare was another man taking my wife to bed. This is 50 million times worse because not only has he done that but she loves him and not me. I was never prepared.Sorry to be so whimpy and whiney (SP?). I jsut feel so hopeless and think I'll never have sex again(been over 3 months). Not to sound a little to selfish.I do appreciate the concern, and love that I have a place to vent, even if I do ramble.

One more thing, I think sometimes I get a little jealous of her. She has the passion of love. I haven't seen that in years. Now that I know what it is I want it as well.

Homer:Old "Mr. Taker" is trying to exert himself right now to protect you. You have to resist or you'll make things worse. You can't force anything to happen right now.You also can't make any sense out of your wife's actions right now...because they don't make any sense...you'll just go round in circles and get nowhere. Accept it for what is. Your wife's in a deep fog right now and she doesn't care anything about anything except OP and how good it feels. We told you you were in for a long haul...believe it...unless you are very lucky it will be several weeks or months before you see any change in her behavior.I know this is hard but you need to calm down and start working on your plan to restore your marriage. That is the most important thing you can do right now. Anything else is just futile....only time will change that. Oh yeah, don't let "Mr. Taker" get the upper hand or he may spoil the only thing you've got going for you...the fact that your wife is still willing to work on your marriage. That may not be the case for long...probably all that is maintaining that now is the fact that OM is married. Use this time wisely.Keep coming back for encouragement.BuffyP.S. Jim's been having a hard time lately so he's a little slow.

What if what she has with him is not a fog. She feels it is so real. She was able to fall in love with me originaly. The emotions she shares with him could be the same. She is angry at me and is mean I try to love her but I get no respect from her. I don't know if I can hold out for months. I am my own man and don't believe I deserve this kind of life. Through our whole marrige we have been able to communicate and work our problems out. For the first time I feel like I'm being ignored and yes Mr. Taker wants so badly to rise up. I don't think I am willing to wait for a year or even months. I know there is a women out there who would appreciate the love I know I can give. I've learned a ton from the MB website about how I handeled my marrige wrong. I don't know how long I can take the abuse, and look foward to the day when I meet the next woman that will love me and get such a passionate love in return. I'll never make these mistakes again. Thanks for letting me vent.

Homer,If your wife loved you once she can love you again! If you love her, even though she has hurt you, don't you want her to see the changes you have/will made in yourself that will help you be a better husband and partner? When you show her these things...the ways that you have changed, and feels they are real....she will see how foolish and empty her relationship is with the OP.I am the betrayed. My W had a 6 month EA which ended in February. My W also thought what she had was REAL. All that they are is in love with a fantasy. No spouse can compete with a fantasy until it is over. I still struggle every day with my feelings, as my W still lies about things with the OP. However, I had to realize that my actions contributed to my marriage being vulnerable to an affair. That can be fixed!!I have realized, and you will too, that you cannot control what your wife does or how she feels about the OP. You want her to stop contact cold turkey. That is a very difficult and painful process for betrayers. You will have to support your wife during that time,as hard as it will be(I was not good at that initially b/c my ego got in the way).When your wife sees the changes in you and realizes that you are the man she is in love with, not the OP, she will come around, and the mean and hurtfull things they say will become less frequent and will eventually stop.. It is all part of the process.You must be strong during this ride. It is a rollercoster of emotions with great highs and depressing lows. If you do not go to counseling, I suggest that you start. I have been seing a counselor for 8 months and it has been a tremendous benefit helping me deal with my anger, resentment and anxiety.You need to make yourself the number one priority and do some things, whatever it may be, to make yourself feel better. Even if it's only for one hour, you will get relief from that feeling that you have in your stomach.Try and eat small meals and rest when you can. I still have difficulty sleeping, but can eat much better now. If you love your wife and children as much as I love mine, you will find the strength to fight and not throw in the towel. It is a lonely road, but with the wonderful support of the folks on this board, it will become a road worth traveling in the end.

Homer, You need to take a deep breath..... If you truly want your marriage, it can be restored...read the book "Suriving an Affair". It will give you a plan to save your marriage. You have a history wirh this woman..you have children...you had the same love she is feeling right now with another....it can come back between the two of you.... You must get to counseling with her and have a plan..it will be hard work, but no harder than putting your kids through a divorce and a broken home and the ramifiactions that brings to all involved. I suggest you give Dr. S Harley a call. And then have him help you with a plan to save your marriage. Your wife is living a fantasy right now..you will have to be the strong one. Do it, at least try it for your kids...------------------ Susan

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by homer: One more thing, I think sometimes I get a little jealous of her. She has the passion of love. I haven't seen that in years. Now that I know what it is I want it as well.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hi Homer,I've been there for many months, but I'm finding the greatest passion with my h. Yes, it was not only the intense pain, but I too wanted that passion.I think it's a very good thing if you can channel it and stick to Plan A. She can come out of the fog, and do you really want another woman IF you could have something wonderful with your wife??Did you read the concepts on the site? The book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley is even better, clearer.You're right, the worst part was to find my h was so in-love with the OW. But you sound like you are thinking clearly even through the pain.She is finally a past memory and he and I are more in-love than ever before. It can happen. She is torn, in the fog, you may be able to keep her from leaving by loving her, not pressuring her.The pull they have towards OP can be incredible. There are some ladies on the site who are struggling alone to give up the OM. Their spouses know some of it, but did not take the in-loveness very seriously. If you can handle it, it will be painful, read the Hi Wings thread by Momma.Start really trying to love her however she lets you, and be prepared to support her through withdrawal. I think it's a very good sign she agreed to give up OM and wants to stay (even if it did last 2 days). Start making those deposits first, and read the book. There is a whole chapter on making a clean break with OP as I mentioned on the Hi Wings thread.It is sooo hard, worst thing I ever went through in my life. But we are building a much better marriage, I can finally start feeling it was worth it. (I found out Oct 29).Oh yes, and we counselled with Jennifer Harley, she and her brother Steve do phone counselling. I don't know why but I sense from what you wrote that your wife is open to working on the marriage. That is an enormous plus. Most are not at first. Would she agree to counselling? My h did (very surprisingly) and Jennifer convinced her to go through with a clean break and took us step by step in devising a plan. Do it, Homer, for your marriage.It's usually men who drag their feet when it comes to counselling. She may even see it as a good sign of your seriousness. This is no touchy-feely "therapy". She took us step by step and helped keep us on the right track. ------------------ Cindy[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited June 23, 2000).]

Hi, Homer. Normally, I could give you tons of advice, but not doing too well right now. BUT, I wanted to say a little something. I'm a WS, and you sound almost EXACTLY like my H. (Are you my H? Just kidding!) Anyway, the working together has to go if you guys are going to reconcile. That was one stipulation that my H made was that I had to quit my job if we were going to stay married. (The OM and I worked at the same place, even though we rarely saw each other). That was very difficult for me, because I loved my job and made excellent money. But, I did quit for my marriage. I was in the same place your wife's in right now about a year and a half ago. I treated my H the same way, etc. He wouldn't let me go, though, and that's made the difference. If he had just said, go on, then we'd be divorced today.I can't help you much more, because the situation I'm in right now would be very discouraging for you. There are woman that can let go of the OM and never look back, but it's been almost impossible for me. There are other women here on MB that are WS and are doing better than I am. Maybe search out Wings, Tamis, or Siftedlikewheat. They sound more hopeful than I do, at this point.I wish you the best of luck. I hope you can find some comfort here, as I know what kind of pain you're in. I've been on both sides of the track and neither are very much fun.

Sorry I'm so late...Welcome homer...I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

It has a lot of quick links to many of the most important MB sites... Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A>About your post...Plan A... click ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>HERE</A>!I have another Plan A "basics" I'd suggest you check out at ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>!Let me be honest with you... ...the similarities between you story and mine are almost frightening...I too have an older stepchild... (mine is 17yo) Physical shock... body shutdwon 1st 2 weeks... Incredible weight loss (42 lbs. before I bottomed out)But there is one huge difference... YOU CAN START ON THE RIGHT TRACK EARLY!I only found MB 7 months after D-day! And blew the best opportunities to save my marriage...Please do what we say... now! Get going on that <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!Great advice from so many... ...follow it!I'm praying for you man! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Jim

Momma, your are not supposed to tell me that you cant let OM go. That is severly discourageing. I would love to comport her through withdraw but I would want it to be clear that her relationship would have to end completely. I want so badly the oppertunity to make things better, but she will have to make a choice It is not right for her to have both. I have integrety, I will only be able to stay in this valley so long.She told me this afternoon that he wasn't willing to tell his wife until he was 100% sure that she was 100% sure she was leaving me. She si going to west coast for a conference for 7 days. She said she needs some time to think. I will be as loving as possible over the weekend. It is all I can do. OM is kind of putting her under some pressure to make a decision as well. We saw a family Psycologist yesterday and his advice to me was to start focusing on myself, and to her was to tell OM to be a man and confront his wife. and for her to step away from us both for a while and think things through. She is using California for that.I don't know how this is going to turn out. But she will need to break it off with OM if she chooses me, I will not be able to take that kind of abuse for very long.

momma, How long did it take you to quit your job after your H discovered the affair?

Jim, did you save your marriage?

Homer,Sorry... for my situation it isn't working out... (divorce trial scheduled for August 7th)I know that had I started on a "pure" Plan A... ...I would have had a better chance.Go for Plan A right at the start and give yorself the best chance. There are no guarantees.. ...but for the greatest chance at recovery... ...the only path is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...A good way to start is to print the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4120_lovebustq.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters Questionnaire</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>... ...and answer thrm from your perspective... ...as well as your W's perspective.Stay the course... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Jim

Homer:Choices...don't force them. This really is your wife's choice now, not yours. If your wife choses to stay she will need a lot of support to overcome her feelings for OM. Breaking contact with the OM will be very hard (next to impossible) for her even if her determination is strong (which it usually isn't to begin with). You can expect her to fail (as she already has) and if you set up ultimatums then you need to be prepared for what you will do then.Both you and OM will be pulling on her and remember her lure to him is probably stronger right now...that is a fact of the "fog" life. If she chooses you, she may do so only because of the time you have been together and the kids. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, but her emotions are in turmoil right now and she can't make decisions as easily as you would like. Sure you could walk away, go find yourself a "passionate woman" who will love you without reservations and in the end you could be divorced and your kids living with ex-wife and OM. Isn't it worth a little time and effort to see if you can restore this marriage. In the end you may have your family back together and a new passionate "old marriage." Wouldn't it be worth a little time and a little wounded pride. We all know about pride. Some of our S have left us for OPs that they should be embarrassed to bring home to mom. That hurts. Hurts a lot. But don't let your pride get in the way of what is best for your marriage or for that matter, for you and your children. If you love enough you can live through anything and survive.Try hard not to push this weekend. Just tell your wife you know this decision is hard and assure her that you still love her and want to work on restoring your marriage and would appreciate an opportunity to show her how you can change. Then leave it at that...let her go without LBing. Use the next seven days to come to terms with what has happened and to decide what you really want and need to do to restore the marriage. Seek some additional counseling (perhaps on formulating a good Plan A).Let us know what the decision is and no matter what we'll be here to help if you'll let us.Buffy

Homer... (I'm sorry I'm so late too! I tried finding your post yesterday, but couldn't bring it up!) I am writing to you as I have been exactly where your wife is at. I felt every bit at much love for him and thought that he was my soulmate. I, too, treated my husband poorly during my "addictive" phase. I am not proud of what I did, but I felt so emotionally and passionately connected to OM that I could not resist being drawn deeper into our relationship. The OM and I talked of leaving our spouses and running off to start a new life. I'm telling you all of this because while she's in this fantasy land, nothing else matters. Nothing else brings her the passion, joy and "high" that the pleasure of the man does. It wasn't until the guilt started to eat away at my heart that I was able to break free and really understand the damage I was inflicting on my Husband and others. I read a book called "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carter...it's a wonderful book, and I highly recommend it. As the betrayer, it helped me see that I was deceiving myself and believing a lie that had no foundation. That God would never bless a relationship based on lies and deceit. My husband is a good man, but that was not enough to stop me.You sound like a man who is truly trying to understand your wife. I applaud you for coming here. All I can tell you is love her through this. My husband never stopped loving me, even when he knew I was being swept away by another. Oh we certainly are struggling, mostly because my H isn't reaching out like you are. You are doing all the right things, reading, asking for support, and trying to understand how you can win her back. Good for you. It's not too late, Homer, so don't ever believe that it is. Some days will be extremely painful, and you'll cry. But don't give up on her if you love her. She needs time to sort this out. I remember a time when my H told me he didn't like that I was emailing my friend, and if he had pushed me another inch by insisting I not talk to him or see him, I would have been out the door. So give her her space and pray that God opens her eyes to reality. Nothing hits you harder than the truth while you're living in the midst of a fantasy world. Also, take care of yourself during this time. You will need all the energy you can muster to get through each day. I'm so glad you came here to this forum. Know that you are surrounded by many who are so willing to share and comfort one another. [This message has been edited by wings (edited June 24, 2000).]

Homer - don't usually have time to get online on the weekends, but I popped in for a minute.We DO know how you feel. We have been there. It's the most gut-wrenching, horrible feeling in the world.My husband knew how your wife feels. He believed he loved PT so much. After all these years he had FINALLY found the woman that truly made him happy. He left me. He moved in with her. He made plans to adopt her daughter. They opened joint bank accounts and planned their new home and their life together!Now, you REALLY want a surprise ending??? We are together, almost five months now and doing great. This week on June 28th, I've bought new lingerie and we've got a BIGGG date planned - I'm so excited. Last year, June 28th was the day that the man of my dreams told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. By August 5th, he was gone!You asked how you can Plan A when you're so miserable and being treated so badly. That's EXACTLY when you need to do it the most - and then, for the rest of your life. It ain't easy...but it's doable! And, in our case anyway, it is SOOOOOOO worth it! I can't remember when we've been happier!You said you were a man of integrity. I believe this, otherwise, you wouldn't be here. Let me ask you something. You love those children of yours. Is there ANYTHING they could possibly do that would make you turn your backs on them? I know I couldn't. Well, you love your wife,too. And I can't think of a better show of integrity than to stand up for what is right, to stand by your marriage through the worst storm of your life, to be there for her, even during that fog of hers, can you?You have an advantage that many of us didn't have - she IS willing to try to work on this marriage, even though for a while, it will be a feeble attempt. Find out what a REAL Plan A is - it's a heckuva lot more than being nice to her. Honey, Harley says, and I now believe, that there is no excuse for an affair, but there are REASONS that a marriage got to the point that an affair could sneak in. Find those reasons. Work on them and expect absolutely nothing in return for a long time. Not fair? Certainly not! Worth it...if the possibility of a lifetime of happiness with the woman you married is worth it to you, then absolutely worth it! It was to me..and I'm so glad I found my way.Hang in there. These feelings are raw for you right now. They will slowly get easier as you work on this. We're here with you. We've lived your pain - every one of us - and some have lived the pain of your wife. That's gonna be the hardest for you to understand, but you can, if you try.This roller coaster ride is NOT for wimps! It will take every bit of strength you ever dreamed you had and then some. But, it can be done.....there are some of us that are living proof of that! There are no guarentees - except that, if you learn and grow, you will come out of this a better person and you have a better chance of building the marriage of your dreams.And, BTW, Robert worked with PT and still does. She's a frustrating little pain in the butt, but she's not a problem. We SOLVED our problems, and what we haven't solved, we're getting there. So, if you can't get her to quit, don't lose hope. It is still possible.Love and prayers,Lori

I'm trying to hard I think, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I'm around her. I don't wanna do anything that might upset her. Talking of the situation upsets her. It seems to only way I can fill her Love bank is to stay away from her. At night I turn to her and touch her shoulder. Probally because I need the affection, I think I'm being needy. Wings, would that push her futher away? One thing that is very difficult is having good conversation with her (one of her EN) because the only thing on my mind is this problem. I try and listen the best I can but I feel like she is uncomfortable around me. I'm trying and only pray she see the light.

Hi Homer... I can only speak from my own experience and yes, whenever my H would try to touch me, it pushed me away. I can't explain that, it's quite strange. It seems that it should be the opposite response, doesn't it? There certainly is a fine line between supporting her, loving her, and giving her space. Ask her. Perhaps she will tell you, yes, draw closer to me, or, no, please stay away.My heart truly goes out to you. My H and I just had a conversation about this last night. Even though I ended it several months ago with OM, my H and I are struggling to get through this. My prayers are with you, Homer!

Hey homer...Your stuck with what to do... what not to do... check out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post......and look at the links in the sections called...Emotional Needs: and Reduce/Eliminate Love Busters:It's going to take work... ...but you can do it!Remember, the earlier you start... the better! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Jim

Homer:I can tell you're better today but I'm caution you about trying to talk to her about "the affair" or the OM. This is an exercise in futility that could result in your getting hurt. Remember what Wings said about her H pushing. Yes, trying to discuss the relationship with her is upsetting to her, in fact its probably a LB to her. So don't unless she brings it up. You really need to be reading the material on Plan A that NSR referred you to if you haven't already. I know that you are trying to reach out to your wife, but she is not receptive right now and all you can really offer is support and love.You are not "needy"... you are feeling disconnected from your wife because she is drawing away and you're trying to reconnect. I personally don't thing that physical connection is wrong at any time, but you probably should expect some rejection and should not overreact to it...it's just her protection from her own guilt. Give her time. Buffy

This site is the only thing that is keeping me sane. The advice is wonderful.Today we went to my daughters softball game and I was able to think of something other than my situation for more than 30 whole minutes. We had a decent time together, (I wasn't depressed the whole day like I have been so far) Her reaction was positive. I did this evening start a conversation about OM, and at first she was very defenseive and I felt her getting angry. I was able to keep a low tone and I did not LB. The conversation turned a little and after about 45 minutes of discussing whatever came to her mind, she actually approached me and gave me a hug. *I was in complete heaven*Its funny 6 months ago I'd try to turn that into a sexual advance. I think that was one of my biggest problems.I'm still in limbo and may be for months to come. As far as her decision to work on this marriage or OM. But it is real nice to see some kind of result from some Plan-Aing.I guess the only difficult part is the waiting. I'm a farily young guy (28) and I've grown up with the internet. I'm used to things quickly. This kind of life changing decision is going to take her some time to figure out considering she loves OM so much. She doesn't want to hurt him either. And it completely sucks showing her that I understand. I feel like my whole life is up to her. and I have no control except to stay on my Plan A routine. I love reading your post they are helping immensely. And yes I've spent a couple hours looking at the things Jim has pointed me to. Wings, I took your advice and asked her how she feels about my affection. The answer is not what I expected. I found she feels uncomfortabe with a lot of it. I hate that because I long to touch her beautiful soft skin, and run my fingers through her hair, I guess the one thing I want to say is. I never realized what I had until now that it is gone. I will never take my marriage for granted again and I will alwasy cherish the woman I love at all cost. Thanks agin I look foward to your postJason

Buffy,are you a betrayer, or betrayed?

Homer... I'm so glad you're reaching out for support. Your expression of feeling in a confused state is exactly how my H felt. You are wise to "talk" about it and vent here if necessary. I'm glad you and you W talked. At least you know her limits. Believe me, she is as confused if not more so than you may realize. I'm sure it's the most difficult thing in the world for you right now, but believe me, when my H backed off, it allowed me to move at the pace I needed to move at any given time. We're still in the throes of communicating all of the unmet needs and trying to connect. I know how you feel about wanting things to happen quickly. But there is no time table with emotions. Just pray that she wakes up. And remember, as Lori wrote, never give up on her...never! Hang in there, Homer. And know you are not alone. Lover her, but give her plenty of space. If she's as independent and stubborn as I am, she will need to figure this out as she goes.

Homer:Betrayed...betrayed...betrayed...but with good reason...long story...but been through this long enough to know how S reacts in every situation...just can't live his life for him...or make his decision for him...so I'm giving him time to make his own...and hoping it is back to his "real" life.I've been through so much that I understand all the pain this is causing you...but I've also seen the pain my husband is in...and how unhappy he is. An no matter what they have said to you, or done to you, you love them and don't want to see them unhappy.In a way, I have tried to give you advise that will save you from additional unnessary pain. You are doing well though and I'm impressed at how well you are catching on.What you said about touching your wife brought tears to my eyes. What I would give to have my husband feel that way about me right now. It's hard to imagine someone loving their wife so much and her not responding in kind. Or throwing that love away. I know what you mean by wanting things to be fixed immediately. I myself am a fixer...everything is fixable if you just work on it a little harder. This is one problem however I can't fix, because what is broken is not me but him. Your wife is the same, you can't hurry her decision, because it is her decision and must be made in her own time. All we can do is support and try to understand. I like your wife's responses to your attempts at Plan Aing her, mostly positive....usually it takes a while to get anything but a negative response (although my H has never been anything but nice to me, even in the face of heavy LBing...I think it's guilt).Keep it up, you're doing great. You also should begin to read other peoples posts and try to respond to them. You may think you don't have much to offer, but you do, and you will gain in return. It also gets you made a full member faster.So, buckle your seatbelt, and expect to ride the rollercoaster (we all do and have) and keep Plan Aing away. I think you'll be rewarded in the end.Buffy

arrrrrrrrgggggggg,I've found a new irritant that I would like to ask a betrayer female out there to help me with. For the past 9 years my wife and I had no modesty and were extremely comfortable around each other. Well I walked in on her taking a shower this morning and she covered herself like I was a complete stranger. Could someone help me to understand what she is feeling to make her react that way? Does she hate me or does she think she is betraying her lover when her Husband sees her nude? any ideas?

Hi Homer,Wow!!! You just sound so much better than you did a few days ago. Congratulations for catching on to all of this so very quickly. It takes me forever to get these concepts, and I go back and forth.Yep, your wife is kind of a mess right now. You walking in while she was showering was a LB to her. I know you didn't do it on purpose, but she's on guard big time, and all the old bets are off, including the kind of intimacy in your marriage you have grown so used to.The hardest part of all of this is the one step forward, two steps back thing. You were encouraged because you saw a bit of the person that you love at your daughters game...I understand. There have been times with my husband that we have been so close, then he pulls back in a huge way. That's the roller coaster. Be prepared, this will happen many times in many different ways. Its' hard not to get our hopes up when we see a bit of normalacy isn't it?I guess what helped me most was getting off my husbands roller coaster. If I have learned anything here (and I am remedial at best in the learning dept.) it's that it's HIS DEAL, not mine. My job is to love him, to not give up on him, to improve myself. I can not control his actions and decisions. He spent the last two nights here with me (we are seperated) and did not touch me. We have been intimate since the seperation, but though we slept in the same bed the last two nights I had to tell myself to expect nothing, no kiss no hug.Lower your expectations Homer. Your wife is too screwed up to really give a damn about our pain. Someday, hopefully, we will be on this forum telling our success stories, but I have seen, over and over again, that the ones here telling their success stories were the ones like you, that learned quickly and well. They never threw in the towel...never gave up, and never stopped loving.Too much caffiene for me today...I'd better cut myself off...LOL.So glad you're posting a lot Homer. You know, I've tried other things with my problem like tough love, but MB seems to be the most logical plan to me. Glad you found it, and are learning it so well.allison

You know I found MB about 2 weeks before D-day. I was so confused about what was happening to me I looked to the internet(its free). I read the MB site throughout learned the Basic Concepts and really dug deep to find the things that I have been doing wrong all these years. I have been a pretty sorry husband. What threw me over the edge was I kept trying to show her and she seemed so disintrested. I printed the EN questionair and she let it sit on her desk for over a week w/o even looking at it. I knew that something was up at that point, no women would ignore her husband when he trying so hard to reach out unless she had some secret. I began to pry and it took me about 2 days to find the evidence I needed. The whole time I spent on the MB website before D-day I avoided the infidelity sections, simply because I was afraid of that kind of truth. I am happy that I found what I found though because now it is becomming more and more a reality and I have the help of all of you to aid me on my path to recovery. for the past 3 months before d-day I was confused and as the rejection kept comming in I would LB her because I was becomming resentfull. I understand what has happened and hope I can repair it. I only wish they made you come to this website and learn everything on it before they would even allow you to have a marriage license. Then I think you should have to retest every 4 years or so so you don't lose focus on what is really important. I know what my mistakes were, please GOD give her the strength to let me make it up to her.

Hello all, and especially Homer. I have finally had time to read through all of these posts. What an encouraging story! I know it may not seem that way to you right now Homer, but I see so much hope and progress already. Mostly because of your efforts to learn and really reach out to your wife. I was very impressed that you sought out answers even before you knew the real truth - simply because you realized something wasn't right and there was a distance between you and your wife. That shows that you care very much about the relationship and your wife. My husband is a pretty stong conflict avoider and he would never seek out answers to anything "uncomfortable". Always has preferred to ignore or bury it, hoping it will all disappear. Your wife is very fortunate and I feel confident about your situation.I am one of the betrayers Schizzo mentioned earlier. I am trying to find my way back, mostly on my own, because I know it is the right thing to do and nothing good can come from pursuing the other course, because God is not in those kinds of relationships. So, it is a very lonely way back. To be fair, my husband is making more effort than before, but not even close to what I see you doing. That hurts. I don't think he is really capable of it and it is hard for me to accept that.I had many of the same reactions as your wife and Wings, especially to physical touch. That is one thing my husband desired to feel close and safe, but it was extremely uncomfortable for me. I think it is the confusion of your feelings. When your feelings all go towards someone else, it becomes really hard to have another (even if it is your spouse) touch you that way. Maybe this is more true for women. We just aren't made for numerous romantic relationships happening at the same time. Try not to take it personally. She has to work through it. I tried to give my husband what I could, for his sake. For me it was hard. That is the wedge a third person creates in a relationship and it is one of the confusing, painful parts of it, including for betrayers. I needed closeness, too, but I didn't know where to turn. I didn't feel safe or desire it from my husband, but the other wasn't really available (because it wasn't appropriate) either. Such a hard spot to be in.I also agree with "giving her space" and not demanding things of her. I am independent, as Wings is, and the best course for me was to let me know I had a choice and to let God work in me to put the pressure on to do the right thing. I don't like to be told what to do, or feel like someone "owns" me. Love must be given freely, it cannot be demanded. Even God doesn't demand it of us, He allows us the freedom to choose Him (or not). Keep us posted, you are a wise man (at age 28!). Looks like a success story in the making, but please be patient. Having contact at work will be very difficult. I am glad I don't have any of those kinds of complications.

A wise man? I'm not to sure about that. My wife is in California being to herself and confronting herself with her issues, all I can do is wait. Her choices: 1. Leave me, hope OM leaves his wife and they live happily ever after.(ha, whatever)2. Leave me and make it on her own. (who is she kidding she would be glued to OM even though he is married)3.Stay with me and keep this family together. Stay with the man who for the past 9 years has had no clue what passion is and could never come close to what OM makes her feel.She seems to think that a life with OM would result in this passion from now until her dying days. I think the newness would wear off and they would divorce within a couple of years. After crushing the lives of so many people around her.(and him for that matter). From what I gather from the betrayers on this forum, the pull to OM is so great that there is no way this is a fantasy, it is real enough to hurt her children (possibly for life) not to mention myself. Although I think that once I make it to the other side, with her or without, I will become the best man I could possibly be.This experience, painful as it has been, even only 2 weeks in I am learning to become closer to God. I am especially learning how to treat the woman I love. I am learning to give of myself with absolutely no expectations (This trait I had was what drove her away I think). I am also learning, and this will be the hardest thing, to become independant. The psycologist is helping we here. From the day I left my parents I screwed up my life and failed in every aspect of it. I did drugs and failed out of college lost jobs. a year later I met her I was only 19. She was what help me be responsible. So all my life I have had someone look out for me. When your young and selfish and take your marriage for granted, while at the same time leaning on your spouse for domestic support and responsibility. All I did was drive her away. I thought we communicated well, but I was way off track. I now see clearly the errors of my way. The problem is she only really knows the old me and she doesn't believe I can possibly make her feel the way he does. I disagree though, I know if I give myself to her unconditionally and at the same time OM gets eliminated(I wish it were that easy) that passion can be not only restored but taken to heights I never dreamed of. And she has never seen before.She thinks she is in love with him, I think that it might be that she is in love with the danger that a affair causes but I really don't have a clue what she is feeling I don't guess, Whatever it is she might be willing to destroy everything we have built.how many post do I have to do to become a member? [This message has been edited by homer (edited June 25, 2000).]

Homer,Welcome! Im so glad that you found this site! I am a WS. I have been here for a few months. I was reading in another thread. I think it was something aout your W being far from God. That she grew from the church and her father. Did you ever think this is her way of getting back with God. I know that was the way with me. I am still trying so hard. I have a much closer walk with God that I ever did. Because she cannot go that pull alone. There isnt a human on this earth that can do it. Right now, she has satan all over her. And he has won. But who wins in the end??? God does! He takes over the battle. And satan is history. He is still going to lurk (like he is with me). but God will take care of it.You keep saying something about the pull this has on the WS. This pull is the hardest thing that I ever done in my life.... She cant go it alone. You wait and see if she doesnt turn to God. I have been there. All of the confusion os to much to bear. Especially when you are good to her. because she is thinking "gosh, he is really trying". Then the shackles and chains come down on her. Your meeting needs. And so is OM. The thing is. She has a love for you. It has just been dormant for years. She doesnt remember it. I PROMISE THIS WILL NOT LAST!!!!!!!! Once she sees what your doing then MASS confusion sets in. She has a family with you. That will cross her mind once the fog lifts. God will take away temptation. He is always there for us. But what happens when we leave him out? Catastrophe!!! He will lets us bust our face. Just to bring us back to him. Becasue she cannot so it alone!!I was the very same way. So was every one else. See the difference between us and you guys. Is that you are trying so hard. I only wish my H tried like you did. I wouldnt have the struggle that i am having right now! read my thread. (thinking, then here i am giving advise). Anyway! I am sitting here smiling becasue I know this is going to be a success story. I feel it! It will take time. SHEW!!!Lots of time! Homer, your trying to hard for this not to work! You get closer with God. He is your support! She WILL notice the change. I only wish my H was that way! I had to confess mine. He didnt even know. Because the shackles and chains got to big.Om is not going to leave his W for her. They never do. Mine was going to also. But when it came to the nitty gritty! NOPE he stayed. Has OM filed for D yet? just wait till his W finds out! That is when all ? get answered. I would almost guarantee he wont. Read the book SAA. Good Luck and prayers to you Homer! Your Great! Keep it up!Look at it this way! God is pulling her closer to him everyday. She just doesnt even know it. She is going to bust her face. When she does he will be there to pick her up. Then she will be a christian! you can build a great marriage from there on out.I sedire your prayers as well. I have Satan all over me right now! Yesterday I was going to call OM. Thank God he has the holy spirit in my mind saying. "you know that is WRONG!" "You know that is sastans way of getting you back" I know that I am running from Satan into Jesus' arms. And right now is when he is picking me up and holding me. Prayers Homer, Renee [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

------------------ We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

It is a fog! It is a fog! All of us (WS) felt the very same way! She is no different.What is she going to do when the new wears off and the old shines through? Then What? That is a song I think! LOL!Hang to Jesus'He is at work right now! ------------------ We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Hey again Homer,Your thread really took off here, it's gotten really interesting.Just a quick note to you...Homer, this is not ALL YOUR FAULT. You are doing what I did at the beginning, which is take all the blame here. That is not necessary. You don't need to own all of these bad feelings about yourself. It's up to you to be strong and get the two of you out of this mess, because it was the two of you that got in to it, not just you. You need to see yourself as the strong, confident man that you are...not the bad guy.Don't be like me and go so far the other direction that you don't know where the heck you are. I had to learn that, it's just kind of another way to pity yourself and feel hopeless. Your wife is in the fog, not you. You are going to lead her out of it.allison

You guys are great, You give me confidence to carry on. I'm not to far from my wife as far as faith goes. I haven't been in a church in over 10 years, until today. I'm still having trouble but I did feel safe there. I only blame my wife for allowing her relationship with OM to develope to what it became. I blame myself for not loving her like she needed to be loved. Therefore; making her susceptable to a EA.Its funny the WS on this thread seem to be comming here for help, but I don't see their Husbands anywhere, that I can tell. Me I'm trying desperatly to find the answers to help bring my wife back, but my wife the WS has no intrest in this website. I've showed her and tried to explain to her what I've found but she has no interest. She always has to much work to do. This morning was great though, she and I had a good conversation. I explained to her that through the weeks I have come to realize that my love for her runs very deep. I understand that if she gained 300 lbs I'd still love her, if she contracted some strange disease I'd still be here, if she hated me I'd love her anyway, and most importantly I told her that if she went to OM I'd still love her very deeply (this was hard to say). I've learned that my love for my wife has always been this way, I just did not show it well. I think back to examples like when I'd travel for work I'd call her everynight(she doesn't do that for me), I'd try to get the first flight back if I could just to be home(she tries to add a few x-tra days if she can con her work to let her). Everyday I'm at work I make an effort to call her even if I have nothing to say simply because I want to hear her voice, she has been my best friend. I hope she can swiftly make a decision, then allow me to love that guy right out of her life.Thanks for listening to me.

Homer,My prayers are with you. You can now see the change that is going to happen in this mess. you are also getting back with God. He will help so much. Your right! I only wish my H would get on here. I wish he wanted to hold it together as bad as I did. I know God will take care of it though. Prayers Renee------------------ We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Way to go Homer:You did great this morning. You did just what you needed to do to send her off with a little more to think about then the OM. This is the way to fight him and his influence. Remember he's had a few months head start on you in having her passions turned toward him. Now it's your chance and you're off to a good start. Just don't become discouraged when there are backsets as there will be. This is the lesson we all must learn or we retreat into major LBing and have to start over again. Come here and vent if you need to, but present a strong confident loving face to her. Every day at some time a feeling of sadness will wash over me and I use to just become lost in it, letting it take over until I just made myself miserable. Now I know that I can come here and vent if I need too, or post, or just lurk, and I know I will eventually feel better. So I keep that in mind and it helps. You can get so wrapped up in the misery that it will pull you down like quicksand.It wonderful you are reaching out to God again. It might be helpful to think about your wife wandering in her own desert right now and this being God's way of teaching her. All things happen for a reason. I don't think you necessarily need to assume all the responsibility for what has happened...you just need to work on what you've been doing wrong...and you apparently are doing that.I await with great interest what your wife decides to do, although I think whatever her decision you can handle it.Keep posting.Buffy

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by homer: Me I'm trying desperatly to find the answers to help bring my wife back, but my wife the WS has no intrest in this website. I've showed her and tried to explain to her what I've found but she has no interest. She always has to much work to do. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Be careful about educating your wife. It might be a possible love buster, and her way of reacting might be her way of telling you that it is indeed a love buster. ------------------ Scandinavian scandinavian@my-deja.com

Homer,I wrote you on pg.1, just getting back and catching up...I sent some friends who are WS to help you understand how you can best help your wife.But don't let that throw you, there are many, many of us betrayeds on here. While they are in the fog, we have to be strong...I think you have a very good chance of a happy ending. The actions taken early on are CRUCIAL.I am fortunate to be one of those success stories. I read Harley's BOOKS and set-up counselling with Dr. Jennifer Harley before D-day. (I found the site later.)I truly believe things would have been waaaay worse. My h hung in the balance, torn about leaving to be with OW. I did plan A, he decided to confess all and break contact. He had tried before to break it on his own and failed. But under Jennifer's guidance we did it together. HE was ready.The fine line between loving her and giving her space is being a FRIEND to her, what she needs most right now. I felt like covering up too, our relationship was different. HE was in-love with someone else.He also pulled away from my touch, which was hard because affection was my top need. I learned to touch him in ways that said I was his friend, in our case it was light tickles.The material on the site is good, but read at least two books: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/ Her Needs.I think it sounds like you are handling it very well. Don't push the material on her, you figure out how she will let you love her.And yes, the passion can be found! I felt he neglected me for years and I became resentful. Only HE went and had the affair.I could have buried myself in the pain and anger at that point, but what good would it do ME or my kids? And we are finding the passion again. OW is becoming a distant memory...------------------ Cindy

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by homer: I hope she can swiftly make a decision, then allow me to love that guy right out of her life. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Hi Homer,Jeez, I have the deepest sympathy for your plight. I discovered MB before any As happened in my marriage, but I am still bridging the emotional disconnect with Plan A.Just realize that you can come out of this with a stronger relationship, and if you reconcile, your W will look back at this periodk and marvel at your love and patience.That said, I am curious as to the OM in your case...is he in a supervisory capacity over your W? His W doesn't know....aren't you tempted to tell her? Have you spoke with the OM and know who he is?I think my first response to the discovery of an A would be to rage out and try to disrupt it. I'm not sure that would be the correct MB response (and I posted a query about that), but in so many situations like yours, that is the first and ongoing response.I think a good scenario for you to think about here in Plan A is that you are auditioning to be your W's future mate. That sucks, because you are the injured party, but that is the reality. And you have some strong advatages on your side. Just hang in there.Mike

I am so glad I read these posts!! Homer, I am in a situation very similar to yours - Plan A is very frustrating and difficult but I am trying so hard. My H does not want to discuss anything about his A, will not go to counseling, will not read SAA, etc. (Read my posts on "just found out") He is like your wife - there has been no physical intimacy since mid-Feb.!! I suspected something was wrong because he would not make love to me - he was not "here" - not once did I suspect an A!! OW let me know about it - she started calling our house late April, asking for him, then hanging up on me and my daughters. I guess she wanted me to know about it hoping I would kick him out. Then, I had to confront him with all the info I had gathered when he said he wanted to leave for a couple of weeks to "think and get his head straight" - well, he has decided to "stay" - says he cut it off with OW - I am not 100% sure. I feel obsessed, constantly thinking about him, wondering if they have made contact, hoping he will fall back in love with me, etc. It has been H... - sleepless nights, lost 10 pounds, in addition to the 10 I had lost before Discovery. What is making this so hard is that there is still no sex - feeling major rejection - I, like you, want it to be fixed - I am impatient and finding this harder and harder. I wonder if he will ever want me again. Wings - your insight is helpful - how long before you would let H touch you? We hug - and he is finally letting me snuggle - a little - in bed. Before I knew about A, if I touched him he would jump like I was fire or something. At least, now I can touch him... I would appreciate your direction... Homer, you are not alone. A

Homer, I have read most of the posts here... your situation is similar to mine so I am going to attempt to tell you what I did wrong. I did not find this site until much later after she told me, so alot of the damage was already done.... 1) I played the victem to the hilt, telling my friends a rather one-sided story of how I was the betrayed. It took me a long time to settle on the things that I brought to the table to imo push her into his arms 2)Since she was emotionally pulling away that made me "grab on to her" to suffocate her 3)I went in the mode of being a model husband... trying to compete. All that did was to make me look even worse, you will be hard pressed to compete under the circumstances. Being in this mode is not the same as plan Aing. 4)I always was the wounded little man around her, always looking sad or mad. All she saw in this was weakness, which solidified her decision on the OM There are many more things that i did but I can't type that fast and this is taking forever...hahahaha There is a book called Private Lies... I liked it alot, it helped me. In it there is one section that simply says that you can't out romance her, you can't make her jealous, you really can't do anything but state your case and do what you have to do to get through this... My suggestion would to continue to do plan A (knowing that it will seem ineffective right now if she won't give up the om) be an example of integrity, confidence and strength. Don't dote on her, try your hardest to talk about things other than her fog. WORK ON YOU, understand that you brought things here too and work on those. Homer, you have one thing on your side, believe it or not you have time.... be confident, take the higher road, don't get caught up in all the verbage.... it has all been said (ver-batem) before, we have all heard it. I am very confident you will come out of this a better man with or without your wife, stay true.... Michael

Mike, I was completely angry, How in the HELL could she do this to everything we built, her children and me. To me at first she was a selfish EVIL, WHORE, BI***. Thank God she was in California and I could not react to her, I had to wait for her call.He has nothing to do with her position just a guy that she bonded with over lunches(that turned into some pretty hot lunches. His wife is a resturant manager for a chain resturant(she is never home) So Teri and him would just go to his house for lunch and after work(she told me she was so busy and had all kinds of projects due, always behind though, for some odd reason she would never catch up) and yes I've spoken with him 3 times. Before they hooked up, I met him a Christmas party, seemed nice. and after I confronted her she told him I knew and he called me at home. All he could say was that he understood that the turmoil that is caused is great and he is sorry children are involved. He also told me my wife is the most wonderfull person he has ever met and he is in love with her. I called him many names, and ultimately came to the conclusion that any man that would sleep with another man's wife is not a man, and deserves no respect from me or anybody on the planet.He also said that he would comply with whatever Teri asks him to do.Well his relationship was built on lies so was that last statement. She made a decision to break it off from him, and try to work on it with me since I was willing. On Monday she saw him in the halls but ignored him. On Tuesday she did not see him at all. ON Wednesday he emailed her and said he needs to talk to her. So what does she do, she goes to lunch with him. I catch her and that was the last time I truely LBed her.Mkn- are you still working or is she gone? and I have been wounded and it is very difficult to not let it show. I know that being depressed is not helping my cause but that is how I feel(like there is absloutely no happiness in this world)The most difficult thing is while I'm at work she is at work (with OM). Lunch time is unbearable to me because I just know what they are doing, and I try to think other thoughts but they keep comming back as if someone tied me up in a chair gagged me and made me watch them. I know I'm being a whimp but I so desparately miss my best friend. and when I tell her I love her and hope she gets home soon she just sits there silently while I slowly die inside.Sometimes I wonder if the only reason I'm am trying so hard with her is because I'm so afraid of the $s that divorce cost. Not to mention the lawyer put my salery into one of those programs that tell you what kind of child support you would be paying a month if you lose based on your annual income. I learned I'd be paying $1064 to her and her lover a month for one child. If I win she would only be paying me $634. Those are some painfull #s. I've learned that divorce will cost me $15,000 to $40,000 and her the same. I just bought a house and have taped our savings I can't afford a divorce. The thought of a divorce makes me ill. + neither of us could keep the new house on our own so it would be sold. The hardest thing is that the courts don't care about adultry.errrrrrr

One tiem when I was LBing right at the beginning, I told her "next time you start to kiss OM and hold OM I want you to imagine how your 6 year old would react if she walked in and saw you were being intimate with someone other than her daddy"I also asked during confrontation, "When you were spending all tis time with him did you ever think of your family?"the response was "I blocked all of you out"I don't understand why a woman who loves her children so much would intentially stab them in the chest just so she could feel good.My 6 year old doesn't know anything but she most deffinately knows that something is and has been way out of harmony. He seems very insecure and is wanting attention all the time. She has to be affected by this. I made a mistake when I found out, as I was crying in front of wife's pc her 13 year old saw me stood behind me and read the email. I didn't try to stop her. I know why I didnt and I am so ashamed of what I did.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by homer: She made a decision to break it off from him, and try to work on it with me since I was willingWell, I'm sure you realize by now that only a job change for one of them will end this affair. Have you read the Harley articles on ending an affair and restoring a marriage? They call for a 100% cutoff of all contact for life. Next time, and I hope it is soon, your wife opens her eyes and decides to try to end it, make sure you know what the steps are. The odds of successfully ending an affair with someone you see 8 hours a day are too long.Lovebusting or not, I'd be tempted to tell this guy that since he broke his word on not reinstigating contact after your wife tried to break it off, that you feel that all parties involved need to be apprised of the status, including his W. Perhaps that will cause him to break it off and change jobs.I don't know, it's late, maybe this is bad advice. I guess in your shoes I'd try to get a Harley on the phone and ask advice....Homer, hang in there. Others have come through this and built stronger marriages based on a renewed respect. If that is what you want, I hope you get it.

Homer:Hey, we know the hurt is real fresh to you and you're barely hanging on until you find out what she wants to do, but all this will get better in time, regardless of what she decides.Yes, that picturing the two of them together is rough. So you just have to put it out of your mind (easily said, huh). You will need to rant and rave for some time until you come to accept what has happened and begin to deal with it. We've all been there and can remember. I don't think you should to do anything about letting OM's W know what's going on. First of all that would be a major LB to your wife. Secondly, it's really no one's place to tell his wife but his. It's their relationship and they must deal with it as they will. She will probably find out soon anyway if she doesn't know already.No, you're not holding out because you're afraid of the cost of a divorce. You love your wife...that's the reason. Of that we have no doubt. But it is another reason to keep trying.Someone said that you have one thing on your side...time...remember that because it's true.Buffy

Mike I tried to convince her to quir, problem she loves the job and not me. She is a consultant and 1 of 3 employees in her company, the contract she is on is the company's bread and butter and if she were to quit the company would go out of business and the other 2 would both be out of work. She doesn't feel she can quit she has to much responsibility to them. And while she is deep in the fog I can't change that. yes it is new to me I am only 2 weeks into this and every morning I wake up with a dead empty feeling inside. Its cold. (at least I'm sleeping a little now that I actually wake up in the morning)I do love her but it gets harder to focus that every time I talk to her. Everything with her seems to have no emotion, no feeling in her words. It seems she enjoys watching me squirm.Is there anybody on this site that left S and married their lover? I want to know how they are doing. I am also having trouble with another thing, I am depressed all the time, can't get this off my mind. I know it pushes her away because I am so weak at times. My dad even told me I'm to sensitive. I look back on the good times with her and even the recent ones like Christmas and snow skiing, and it feels so empty that it is all gone. Some of the most disturbing feelings I have ever delt with.Its late must work tommorrow

Dear Homer,Your question about whether anybody on this site has left their spouse and married their lover would get a better response if you posted it under Infidelity Boards, as a New Topic. People read the list of active topics of the day, and open up the ones that deal with issues they are wrestling with.Welcome to the Boards, Sorry you're here. Sadly, there's a lot of company here. I know NSR has posted to you. Click on the red and green words (I think they're called "links") to learn about Plan A, Plan B, and other valuable stuff. You're lucky you found the Boards so early in the crisis.Post, vent, read. And pray.Love, <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by homer: Mike I tried to convince her to quir, problem she loves the job and not me. She is a consultant and 1 of 3 employees in her company, the contract she is on is the company's bread and butter and if she were to quit the company would go out of business and the other 2 would both be out of work. She doesn't feel she can quit she has to much responsibility to them. And while she is deep in the fog I can't change that. yes it is new to me I am only 2 weeks into this and every morning I wake up with a dead empty feeling inside. Its cold. (at least I'm sleeping a little now that I actually wake up in the morning)I do love her but it gets harder to focus that every time I talk to her. Everything with her seems to have no emotion, no feeling in her words. It seems she enjoys watching me squirm.Is there anybody on this site that left S and married their lover? I want to know how they are doing. I am also having trouble with another thing, I am depressed all the time, can't get this off my mind. I know it pushes her away because I am so weak at times. My dad even told me I'm to sensitive. I look back on the good times with her and even the recent ones like Christmas and snow skiing, and it feels so empty that it is all gone. Some of the most disturbing feelings I have ever delt with.Its late must work tommorrow<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>------------------ Belle, Domestic Goddess

Homer, My wife is gone, we had to sell our house as well, she is still working with him, and he recently left his wife. We are in the last stages of getting a divorse.... I hate it too, I have felt all the things you feel, said all the things you said (and more)... When you say things to her, you are being logical, she on the other hand is full of emotion (as temporary as it is) emotion will always rule, she will rationalize to the hilt and unfortunately you have to be the enemy. It's the nature of the beast.... for now anyway. That is why you have to immediately stop love busting. I will probably get flamed for this but instead of holding on so tight.... do everything in your power to LET HER GO..... as far as she is concerned... go live your life, be careful, see ya. Have that attitude, show strength and confidence (wether you feel it or not) and get to work on you. Don't treat her bad, just start acting with strength. It will look for a time that she won.... but my contention is that over time she will have to remember that you were strong and full of character. Is this a game you say.... perhaps, so be it. She is playing a more dangerous game, one i might add that is statistically doomed for her. By the way... she will not return the "I Love You's".... I would not stop saying it necessarily, but if it starts hurting you too much... well you decide. I apologize for being rather bleak sounding, this whole thing is a process and to a point a predictable process. By that I mean what she will say, what she will do, what you and your mind will put yourself through, the only thing in flux is the ending... If you believe in Jesus, trust in God... if you are not.... look into it.... Be strong, have patience, learn.... Michael

Homer, (pat yourself on the back)I was just lurking. I wanted to check on you and see about your day today. Hang in there big guy!This is the first step. BE HER FRIEND!!!!!!! NO I LOVE YOUS!!!!! BE THE BEST BEST FRIEND. NOT THE ENEMY! I know you dont think that is enemy. But it is. I hated it when H said I love you. She knows that. Or you wouldnt be hanging. My OM W does not know about the A. I would suggest no contact to OM. I think it would be a major "love buster"You have her thinking. That is good. When H was "good" to me. He would makeme think all night when I had left him. I had left and he would never bother me. He always called my sis. I hated for sis to tell me what he said. I just thought "get over it" It is over. I have to say he did make me think. I would think what if this doesnt work. what if Om doesmt leave him W. And i am atleast married to a good man. She is starting to think. That is a good sign. She would have never decided to cut it off.One of the things you said was there were 3 of them in the office. Honey you need to pray. She has to leave that job. Or he does one. I cant tell you about telling OM w. Mike may have a point. She may want him to leave instead of your W having to. Keep this in mind. I have seen this happen twice. If you tell OM W. Then she may say forget it get out. And go n her merry way. I haev a friend that married her affair partner. And it is a hell marriage. I give it 1 more year. They ahve been married for 2 years now. God Bless you homer Take CareJUST VENT VENT VENT! Remember COMFORT HER! Be her frind!! That is what I wanted. That will win her. I think that showed that H did love me enough to over come this. He never trashed OM. He told me he thought he was a good guy. And he hated it for his W. In my mind I was thinking. WHAT THE @#$?? Renee ------------------ We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Today was a good day, I haven't heard from her.I went to see my mothers pastor. I've been trying to get in touch with God since I found out but feel as if I have been unsuccessfull. As you may have read before I have not been a spiritual man. But I feel like the things I've learned from this web site helped me to understand why this thing happened to me. I've learned where my faults were and where I failed as a husband. I am under construstion. The man that emerges from this will be whole and through God I will learn to love unconditionally. That is a love that would go to Christ and well as my wife. It is a love with no expectations. After talking with him he showed me how to turn to God and how I can become a better person through him. A monumental weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel at peace. My wife has a decision to make and she has the free will to make it. I will look to God for guidence, and no matter where this ends I will become the best man I ever dreamed of being. I love my wife deeply (more than I had ever realized). I feel confident and at peace she will have a hard time leaving a man that I am turning myself into. And if she does it will be ok, God will give me guidance and everything will be fine.I now realize what the fog is. She doesn't love that man she loves the way he makes her feel inside (happy). It is an addiction. I'm sure he couldn't possibly understand what it means to love like I feel I have found. Thank you all for the guidance, I can't wait to see more.I only hope she doesn't go to him because he is Atheist and being that God would never bless their marriage, she would be destined to go through pain much greater than what she has done to me. I also know if she were to come home and defeat the withdraw. Have a open heart her life would somehow have joy and harmony that she never before imagined.Its all in her hands, I'm in Gods. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Also the quote of the day, which will become one of my quotes for life is:"Happiness is not getting something you want, it is wanting something you have"I saw it some where on this site and it touched me deeply.