<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

After all I've been through I still love my H. That's the real reason I want this to work. Our kids are already 19 and 16, one an adult and the other almost there so the kids are part of it but not all. I don't need his financial support and actually don't fear being alone.<BR>Even though we've had very, very bad times the good times are much more frequent and are very good!

Easy, when I discovered it I knew I had to save my family. It would have been easier to kick H to curb...even though I have always loved him very very much. It was the kids.<P>After almost two years, however, I am glad I made the decision for myself as well. We have recovered and our marriage is stronger and more committed than before.<P>

Here are my reasons:<P>I still love her, want to grow old with her, and be grandparents with her. We still know how to have fun.<BR>We fought and lost a 5 1/2 year battle with cancer in our yonger son. Our valiant struggle and this life experience cannot be learned by a replacement. <BR>I want my son (age 12) to grow up with his original parents who fought so hard for his brother.<BR>As a couple, we can be greater than the sum of the two parts.<P>WAT

I guess the number one reason is love. We truly love each other, and that is not easy to find in this world.<P>But also, I have a strong committment and honor for the vows we made on December 3, 1976. I promised. For better or worse, til death do us part. I meant it then, and I still do.<P>Peppermint

I'm sorry I didn't mean to exclude the WS's opinions or reasons for this. Your opinions and reasons would help us too.<P>Thank you,<BR>OOOO

We love each other very much, we have a lot to fight for. He is deeply remorseful and is just beating himself up trying to figure out why he did it (one night stand). I love him enough to give him a second chance and our children deserve this too.<P>I still wonder if I can withstand the consequences that may occur, but for now we are rebuilding and fighting for everything. Our relationship has never been so great despite this major bump.

OffOnOnOff, I stay for all the reasons you list except love. I don't think I love my husband any more. He just doesn't get it. He is by far the most selfish person I've ever encountered. Our daughter was so mad at him last night that she called him some really vile names. She is just 14 and a very sweet, Christian girl. I'd never heard her use that language before. She is so angry, and he is either clueless as to how to repair all the damage or just is too self absorbed to expend the energy required to do so. I've told him how hurt and damaged she is and he just gets mad at me. He is in major denial about what he has done. He has virtually done nothing since d-day which is coming up on it's first anniversary. He'll spend hours talking about how evil ow is, what she did, what she said, etc, but ignores our needs. Many nights he goes to bed after dinner. Some nights he goes from "I can't live without you" to "It's over, I'm getting a divorce." It's maddening! It's left me with a hollow feeling and to think I'll spend the rest of my life like this is depressing. I see no joy in my future with him. I think it's time to go.....

LOL, OOOO, those reasons you originally posted are exactly why OW won't divorce her H. But she would have if my H would have left me. Oh, well. <P>I love my H but that isn't reason enough for me to stay. It's because he loves me and is trying so hard. And yeah, I've never come across a man (who was single) that can top him in all his finer qualities--but that alone wouldn't be enough to keep me going on this journey. <P>I give you guys credit who can do this without the love and support of your spouses. Your strength amazes me.<P>Love and prayers for us all,<P>Leilana

Now that I know that my husband hasn't even been sexually attracted to me for 25 years of our 31 year marriage, I guess I'm not sure if we even have love like people should have in a marriage. Your question is a hard one to think about. I want him back because I'm 61 years old and I don't think I'll ever find anyone else. I never thought I would end up alone. I want him back because I don't want HER to win. I want him back because I am lonely and I want my life as part of a couple back. I feel like I love him but maybe I don't even know what a marriage is supposed to be.

I want my H back because I love him ... deeply. He's a part of me.<P>BUT ... that person I love is not my H anymore, he is someone else. Or maybe the love times I remember were him acting out who he thought I wanted him to be. Maybe this person is really who my H is now and for good.<P>I admit to being apprehensive about being alone, and I also admit to worry that it's too late in my life to start another relationship ... but those were just by-product thoughts I had as I felt my way thru this ordeal. <P>I've had time enough to reflect, and I know I love the man with all my heart, there isn't anyone in the world like him for me, but that love isn't enough to remove all the badness that's happened, also remembering he isn't the person I thought he was. Make sense?<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 05, 2000).]

I guess I want her back because I feel badly for her. This process has made me realize just how much the traumas in her life have affected her. She has some very deeply rooted problems, and I want to help her solve them. She has so much potential, but I feel like she'll never realize her dreams with the OM, or anyone else. She's throwing away everything for a fantasy life with this other guy that just won't last. She thinks she loves him, but I know he's going to hurt her in the end. So she loses our house, financial stability, a good environment for our D, everything...because she doesn't want to be "tied down."<P><BR>Despite all she's done to me, I still care for her, and I don't want to see her get hurt over and over again. It's tough when you watch the ones you love do stupid things.

At first I didn't think I did want him, after the lies and breaches of trust. He (WS) convinced me we could make it work. Not only do I love him, he was/is my best friend. We had a lot of future plans together that we didn't want to give up. It was just a bump (BIG bump) in the road.

I like my life. All but the icky cheating crapola. I like my life.

Because he's made me laugh, more than he's made me cry.<P>~Marie<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown

Let's see...<P>At first I think it was 2 things: stubborness & the kids. Not sure, but stubborness may have been the deciding factor .<P>Then, as we began to get closer again, it was a hope that commitment & love would once again foster being "in-love" with each other.<P>Now, months later, it is because I do love him, feel in-love with him (at least a lot of the time), and want to grow old together.<P>Kathi

I do want him back because:<P>1) I still do love him, I always have, part of me always will<P>2) Our little boy--he is a clone of his father, a junior in every sense. I could never take my son away from his father.<P>3) He has potential to be a good person. I realize that he is at a different place in life that I am, there are some things that he has to learn<P>4) I miss my home with him terribly<P>5) I understand why people have affairs, and I understand why he did. Aint nothin but a thang<P>6) I have been married once before, and I have learned first hand how terrible divorce can be. Divorce is more than a thang. It is a wound that never heals. I don't want this again, because now I know what I have to do in my part to avoid it<P>But after all of this, I realize that I cannot force my husband to see the truth--he has to find it on his own. I suppose then, that my part is to let him go. It's all that I can do at this point

I admit that before I learned of the A, I was so unhappy, I almost called it quits myself. His coldness and inability to talk of private things was at an end--I would no longer accept it.<P>Well, obviously the Lord had other plans for me. Within a week of my previous decision, the A was reveald in a 24 hr period, from suspicion, to questionable charges, to the dawning-- of the end. Of course I freaked, but I did what I never thought I would: I did not kick him out, I did not punch him, and i did not leave him. In short I did not hate him. To my amazement my first instinct was to do all I could to deal with the truth, and save my marrige. But I had no direction.<P>I got on the internet, and MB popped up and here we are today. I have fallen "in love" with my H again because of all the plan A-ing I have done for the past two months, I even feel tender to his weaknesses that he is just recognising through therapy and the fear he has of all this. <P>I want to stay strong enough to make it through both of our therapies, and to see life as it should be--for us and our children as a loving, and complete family.<P>I love that he is trying, he didn't just leave me, even though he feels he is in love with OW. He is not willing to throw his children to the wind, yet; I pray he doesn't. He is such a good and loving father. I am proud that he has not thrown away all responsibility to his family even with such indecision, confusion and fear. <P>He may be sitting on the fence where the OW is concerned, but he is working on himself, he is not intentionally cruel and he has not moved out. <P>I still want him as my husband and I am starting to see the possibilities in him as a husband and man that I never dreamed of, I hope I get to share in his discoveries. I hope he will share in mine about myself..and that one day we will move forward together. <P><BR>

Dear OOOO,<P>It really is a process for me:<P>Stages:<BR>1. baby needs two parents<BR>2. church, counsellors, family advice: don't make major decisions at such a raw stage<BR>3. financial - quit smashing job to look after baby<BR>4. promises to father on deathbed (partly caused by chinless banshee who screeched at him that is how he knew of affair)<BR>5. WS got live in and nanny so that I can concentrate on healing<BR>6. WS repentant and bearing fruits of repentance<BR>6. WS got deeper into the word of God and tries to humble himself before Jesus<BR>7. Ws threatened suicide when I kept asking him to leave and divorce<BR>8. WS told my family that he will not last very long if he left us<BR>9. Yesterday, WS wrote me that he want to stay so that he can bring up baby but if I keep fighting, he will not be able to last on earth that long<BR>10. WS paid compensation for his affair - 50% of his savings<P>It is LOVE for my baby - the prime motivator and many believe the reason God gave us baby is so that we stay married (miscarried before and took some time to conceive again).<p>[This message has been edited by weep (edited October 05, 2000).]

This is a question I am struggling with myself at this time. I am almost 3 months post d-day.<BR>I think right now it is probally more the fact that we have two small children, and they adore him, and I would hate to disturb the secure life as they know it. I also would hate missing out on half of their life if we were to divorce and have to give them up at visitation time. I am also due to have our third baby, his son, in just 3 1/2 weeks.<BR>Do I love him? Yes, I believe I do. But that isn't said without hesitation, or a gut feeling of fear and disappointment in him after what he has done. He has hurt me as noone has ever hurt me before, with the fact of the A and the other child born in May 2000. I think that all my feelings of anger, betrayal and fear of trusting a man who was supposed to protect me, and shattered me instead, keep me from feeling the love I have at its full potential. Maybe I'm not ready to forgive yet.I don't know....

Plain and simply, my kids!

When I was working toward reconciliation, there were lots of reasons.<P>Because I adore my mom. She's Strength, Inspiration, and Love and I want to be like her. She advised me to forgive him, take my man back, and love him as I always have. If she could forgive him then so could I.<P>Because I wanted to win. I could not accept being less of a woman than any OW. I needed to be the only woman with my H's love. I know that is stupid now because my H said a million times that he didn't even like or respect them, and he's shown that over and over.<P>Because I wanted my vision of our fairy tale life to be real. I wanted my sacrifices to be worth it. I needed him to be all the things I dreamt of.<P>My daughter loves him.<P>Because I didn't want all of this pain I felt to be for nothing.<P>Because I thought I could save him from himself. <P>Because I loved him, and until our lives were torn apart, I really didn't know how much.<P>If you look, they are all selfish reasons except for the reasons of love.

Over the past few months I have had many diferent reasons at different times. I would like to say it was all because of love, ... but there are other things.<P>Fear of being alone.<P>She is still disease free <P>I haven't had my revenge yet.<P>The sex is <B>GREAT!</B><P>My step-son as been through one divorce; I would honestly rather die than have it happen to him again or put my daughter through the pain that he has endured.<P>If I let this love die, I could never completely open my self emotionally to another person. Thus I know I will never love another the way I love my wife.

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

oooo,<P>This is an interesting question, because I have wondered if I want my H back for the right reasons. All the reasons you listed come into play.<P>-I love him (I think so anyway)<BR>-our son<BR>-I'm afraid to be alone.<BR>-I would suffer financially.<BR>-I want my image of a happy family to be true<P>Right now my H is talking about staying in our marriage, but only as friends and roommates. He feels nothing in a romantic or sexual way for me. I am struggling with whether this would be best for me and our child. <P>

<B>You still love your WS.</B><P>Yes<P><B>You need financial support from your WS.</B><P>Yes<P><B>You are afraid to be alone.</B><P>No, I'm not afraid...but I love being with him and want to be with him.<P><B>You want your children to grow up with two parents.</B><P>No kids....but my dogs miss him...seriously!<P><B>You are afraid that it is too late in your life to start a new relationship.</B><P>Don't know if it's morally right to have a new relationship....still trying to figure that one out...<P><B>Physically, you feel that you are not attractive enough for other.</B><P>That's true.<P>Like Peppermint, <B>I have a strong committment and honor for the vows we made on October 22, 1988. I promised. For better or worse, til death do us part. I meant it then, and I still do.</B><P>God knitted our hearts together on that day...he is a real part of me. I promised thru the good and bad, not only my H, but God. I really feel that way...and can't let go of it. Can't see how remarriage can even be an optoin for me when I feel this way. Do I want to spend the rest of my life alone...no. But neither do I want to "water down" my vow because I'm lonely. So I'm still working on that one....<P>Thanks for the question.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P><BR>

I still see him as a kind, loving man. A man going through a crisis that he doesn't understand.<P>I'm not afraid to be alone, I'm independent enough to support myself. But, I love my life with him, I believe we are compatible in so many ways and still are.<P>Although the person before seems alien at times, he still is my best friend in life. No other person on this earth knows me as well as he does, knows my secrets and fears.<P>We still share the same dreams and are emotionally connected to each other. Our families love and support us as do our long time friends.<P>I don't want to start over, but I know that I could. I believe in our love and that it will prevail over this crisis.<P><P>------------------<BR>True love cannot be found where it doesn't truly exist, <BR>nor can it be hidden where it truly is.

Great question for thought.<BR>I am betrayed and betrayer, so I am answering from both sides of the fence. If that doesn't make you crazy, nothing will!!!<P>My wife betrayed first. I seriously considered telling her to move out. The main reason I didn't? We have an 11-year old daughter with sparkling grey-green eyes, she is mischievious, smart, charming. Wife didn't want kids but had her for me because I wanted kids. Breaking up our family would have been soooo traumatic, and I fear we would have really hurt our daughter. I didn't want to lose being in her life every day.<BR>Other reasons? A fear of the feeling of tremendous failure. Disappointing family, friends and fellow church members. Loss of a fine home we had worked hard for after 20 years together. The remembrance that there was a time when we couldn't imagine living without each other.<BR>As a Christian, I have been taught that God forgives us freely and without reservation, no matter what we have done. If I am going to "talk the talk," I'd better be prepared to "walk the walk". Forgiveness is the hardest lesson I have had to learn, and I am in as much need of forgiveness from my wife as she is in need of mine.<BR>Finally, I have the hope that my marriage can be better than it ever has in spite of this. That is still a hope, but we are trying to make it a reality.<BR>Rockaway