Inamess (Renee) - Hi, I often wondered what happened to you and how things were going. I do remember your story very, very well.<P>I guess since we were in similar positions at one time, I can kind of see how things have gotten to this point for you. But, I guess it's kind of like we split down different paths at one point. Fortunately, for me, I am still married to the most wonderful man in the world (no offense to your H). And I feel very very fortunate for that. The past year has been hard, and I'm not going to lie and say that everything is great and perfect now, but I have grown so much in the past year. I have learned alot about myself and understand myself a lot better now than when I had the affair.<P>But it took a lot of work, and I finally realized that nobody can MAKE me happy and fulfilled - I have to do that myself. It has a lot to do with attitude, but more to do with accepting some things for what they are and not relying on someone else to fix my problems or make me feel good about myself. I'm the only one who has control over what I do.<P>Having said that, just from knowing things from my perspective, it may be that you have done a lot of growing in the past year, but maybe there are still some other issues that you need to reconcile and accept. I know you said you forgave yourself - and that your H did not. You cannot make anyone else forgive you, but you can reassure them that you love them, that they can trust you, and maybe even though you tried really hard, maybe you could have done more - like get counseling - no only marriage counseling, but counseling just for you.<P>With other men in the picture, whether as friends or lovers, it only makes things more difficult for you to figure out what you want and who you are. I know I was a mes for the entire year we've been in recovery, but thankfully, my H forgave me almost immediately and the only issues we had to resolve concerned us.<P>I remember the situation with your FIL, but if you and your H truly want to be together and love each other, then what other people think shouldn't matter. In your FIL's eyes, you hurt his son, his friend, and you may never live up to his "standards" and no woman may be "Good enough" for his son. That's the FIL issue and problem - really. You shouldn't let it stop you from trying - once again to work things out with your H.<P>Like JL, I think you need to really think about this and make a full-fledged commitment - for me I had to tell myself to give it a year before making any decisions - good or bad. After about 6 months in recovery, I too, was ready to throw in the towel - just simply because I still had lingering doubts about our love for each other, and because I expected things to be "better" overnight. And, I guess, along the way, I tried to "ride out" the rough times, talk with my H - and we both had some rough spots along the way -but we helped each other through them, together.<P>Now, I don't know if your marriage will survive, but if it were me, I think I would give it another try, get counseling if I had to, call the Harleys for help, post here for inspiration and advice. Sometimes, during the past year, it got very hard to post - especially when things were not going well on my little rollercoaster ride, but the support here was invaluable to me.<P>My only suggestion is to have a talk with your H and see how he really feels. I have to agree with engineer-bob, when he says that you haven't done too mush to show him that you want/love or need your H in your life. With these other men around - even as friends - well, you're sedning him mixed messages. I think, at least from my perspective, there are a ton of things you can do to at least get things started in a positive direction. One of them is knowing what you really want, and coming to terms with who you are.<P>It's a horribly contrite statement, but it's really true: Happiness comes from within - no one else can make you happy - not a drug, not alcohol, not another person. Someone on another thread said their grandmother used to say "A girl is swayed by the situation. A woman sways the situation." I think you're probably a lot like me and got swayed by other people and situations - and maybe that led you to a place you didn't really want to be in - whether it be the affair, OM, or even with where your marriage is now. You have control over your life. . .you cannot change how anyone else thinks of feels, but you can change your attitudes about things, see things in s different perspective, and I think that really helps you to get control over your life. You don't have to change anyone, just your outlook or your own perspective.<P>So, I don't know if this helped or not, but if I were you and I really loved my H, I would continue to fight for my marriage - even though I made some bad choices or gave up at one point. You're the one who has to make some tough decisions, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers - as you have been in the past
.<P>But, I can tell you, that there isn't a single day, now, that I regret trying to save my marriage. I love my H more today than I did yesterday and I know I will love him more tomorrow. It's not so much that there were big changes in my marriage after the affair - sure we worked out some things, but the biggest thing that helped me was personal and spiritual growth. I now know what's really important in life, and I also know that true happiness comes from doing the right thing - no matter how late you start.<P>So, hang in there. My H and I perservered through the worst and I am very very thankful that he was not only willing to forgive me, but also willing to work on rebuilding our marriage. <BR>