Poll for BS's: Why are we doing this? - Marriage Builders® Forums

During times like these, I often wonder exactly why I am aubjecting myself to this torture.....it has been over a year since D-day, H is here, trying to make it work, yet I can't help but feel that he doesn't really have a clue about what his A has done to us; what it has done to me.I can't help but feel that it will never again be right between us. And, frankly, some of the posts I've read on Recovery haven't exactly been encouraging.....how long does this unhappiness go on?Since I can't really tell right now why I am still here (my marriage is still very unfulfilling), I was curious to know why some of you decided to stay around and try to work it out. Is it because of undying love for your spouse? Is it because of the kids? Is it fear of being alone? Is it refusal to lose your spouse to someone else? Is it religious convictions? Is it a simple belief in the institution of marriage?If it is undying love for your spouse, how have you managed to give yourself freely again to someone who so clearly did not care about your feelings?Someone posted on a thread of mine the other day that only I could know if I could live with what he's done. Some people can't, I guess. How do you know if you can live with it or if you can't? And if I can't, what does this say about me?Now, over a year later after vacillating back and forth between "Yes, I guess I can live with it", and "No, I don't think I can possibly live with it", I find myself as lost as ever.Any thoughts?Help, I'm sinking fast!B

Are you in counseling with a therapist who has good marriage counseling skills? Someone who uses some type of cognitive therapy and has helped the two of you create a "recovery plan"? If not, then, that is likely part of the reason why you are still so unhappy.I truly believe that counseling with the right therapist is essential to navigating through the mine field of the marriage after an affair. The right therapist will help you clear that mine field so that you can dance through it whenever you wish... I am not in recovery - wish I was - so you may feel that my contribution is less important. But I have seen enough in my nearly 3 years here to see the patterns - what is successful and what is not...------------------ terri CourageWhatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong.There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right.To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.Ralph Waldo Emerson

B,For me it is all those reasons. I don't know how you can tell if you can live with it or not. Our marriage counselor asked me for a time frame. One year. If I don't feel better in one year, time to re-evaluate. I see for you it has already been one year. Do you know what it would take for your H to show you he knows how this affected you? That is also where I am in this. Sometimes my H thinks he is doing what he needs to be doing and I don't feel the same way. He was telling me just this morning how he thinks he is doing all the right things and gave me a list. The things that were on the list are things that, to me he should've been doing all along. Before the infidelity. I am going to think hard and long about this so that I can give him something to work on. I have told him that when I get down and very emotional I need for him to come and hug me and tell me he is sorry. That he knows that he has hurt me. But this never happens. He usually just gets mad at me. This is very upsetting. Sorry I haven't answered your questions.NM

bound,What a complicated question, and a good one.I feel like I need to answer it for myself. Why am I doing this?I still love my wife, although I'm fresh out of reasons to love her. I do think Plan B gets you over that.In the long run, I've seen so many divorces that don't heal a thing, they don't solve a thing. I realize that there's as much pain on the call it quits road as there is on the road I'm on.If divorce comes, I really want to know I did everything I could, that I didn't just give up, but that I gave it my very best.I believe in marriage.I believe that even as adults my children will be better off with a mother and father who are together and love each other than with parents who can't stand each other (which 90% of the time happens in divorce).There were times I was not there for my WS. I want to make up for that a little.I don't want to be alone, although I am and have been for a long time.I don't want to have to footnote all my good memories with "yes, but it ended with divorce."I would like to see my WS come out of the fog and regain her faith.I think that the experience of trying to work this out will make me a better man in the end than just calling it quits.I valued the relationship we once had and it was good enough to not want to throw it away.I hope this helps. It helped me to write it. Thanks for giving me the chance.Ish

Terri:Thanks for your reply. We've already been through two marriage counselors....the first one just plain sucked at being a counselor. The second one was too hung up on our "family of origin" issues; he was convinced that every problem that one has is because of those issues. To answer your question, neither therapist even attempted to give us a "recovery plan", so perhaps you are right; perhaps we need to find a good one! There seem to be a lot of quacks out there! Geez!BTW, I'm sorry that you are not in recovery if that's what you want. However, your input is just as important to me as anyone else's. THanks.B.

NewMe:I appreciate your reply. I know oh, so well about H not wanting to see me cry, not wanting to feel the pain he has caused me. I suppose that's why he gets mad when you ask for comfort from him. It probably makes him feel horrible to know that he's put you through this, so he'd rather not deal with it. My H told me in the early stages that I could not cry in front of him, that it withdrew love units! What an [censored]!Anyway, best of luck to you in your endeavors. I hope you are able to get through this better than I seem to have!Blessings, B

Ishmael:Thank you for your insight. You are right about everything you said; you are also very wise. And I want you to know that I HAVE become a better woman just by going through this ordeal. I've learned so many things about myself and relationships in general that I might not have learned as early. Life is funny, that you have to endure pain and suffering to experience joy???????I guess one thing I haven't mentioned is that we do not have children. So that issue is not one that we have to contend with. I suppose I'm being extremely selfish right now, but I'm just tired of being strong!I agree with you wholeheartedly about wanting to give it everything you've got. That's what I've been doing for the last year + (I think.....sometimes it seems that I have to ask myself if I really AM giving it everything I've got....). I could not consciously walk away from my marriage a year ago without at least trying to make it work. I'm just losing faith & hope. I'm just tired of being unhappy! In the end, I know that I am ultimately responsible for my happiness and that I cannot entrust it entirely to someone else. I hope that everything works out for you....I've read several of your posts these past few days, and understand where you are. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.blessings, B

I am still a newbie here compared to some of the rest of you, D-day was 6 weeks ago. But here's why I'm doing this.I still love my husband with all my heart and I know he still loves me (maybe not as much as he would like to). We've been together for 16 of my 33 years so I can't imagine not having him in my life. (Although we had a few break ups while we were dating, we always ended up back together.) My daughters, ages 2 and 5, deserve to wake up everyday and see the 2 people who love them and brought them into this world. They deserve the financial stability of a 2 parent home. They deserve the emotional stability of a 2 parent home. After being a single parent for only 6 weeks I understand why God intended for children to have 2 parents.And although my H says he has not been happy for awhile, I don't think he has tried to be happy. You don't go out and find happiness, you CHOOSE to be happy. I don't think a divorce will make him happy.My H feels I would never be able to forgive an forget. I told him I can forgive and that I don't want to forget. I want this to be a reminder that we need to work at having a happy marriage, we need to do the maintenance to keep things good. And I am sooooooo ready to forgive. I feel that if he came back and gave our marriage a chance that would be all I need to forgive him.Heck

Heck:Thanks for your wisdom.....you know, you hit the nail on the head, honey! You don't go out and search for happiness, you CHOOSE to be happy. Thank You!I hope things go the way you want them to.Thanks & blessings B

heckofagal: i am also very new to this situation - about 8 weeks ago for me - my h feels that i should never be able to forgive him -- he claims that he couldn't forgive me if it happened to him. i believe that by forgiving him so easily he thinks it isn't earned or something weird like that -- i think as you do that my daughters deserve 2 parents, both financially and emotionally. he has been out of the house for about 3 weeks and single parenthood is the pits (as you probably know) visitation makes me ill - he does the fun things and i do the daily maintenance and tend to the not-so-fun things. i am currently of the opinion that he is setting the pace for forgiveness - he is in the process (i think) of trying to forgive himself and if he gets to that level, he will be able to accept my forgiveness. as for forgetting, i don't think that is even humanly possible - we can attempt to keep it as far back as possible and near enough to remember that these relationships do take lots of maintenance. keep me updated on your situation and the progress you two make. are you currently in counseling? we are (by his request)--i'm not sure what his goal is but counseling surely can't hurt and will likely help us to understand how we got here and how to avoid this in future relationships (preferrably our own, but i am not sure)

Hi there Bound, I know what you mean about all of the counselors out there, we had one that wanted to hypnotize us! We have been in recovery for 2 yrs. and at the one year mark I really felt like you do. We are so much happier now. Have you considered counseling with Steve H? I would make appointments with him and it really helped me formulate a plan. Most of the times my H didn't join me, so you can do it alone. He is REALLY helpful. He pointed out to me that it's not the amount of time in recovery it's what is going on during that time. He claims the best way to go about it is with a PLAN.... It sure couldn't HURT at this point , I remember well how I felt at the one year mark. LU

To Wife and Heckofagal:Your H's are saying they don't think you'll ever be able to forgive them because that's the easiest way out for them right now. It's a foggy justification for him that moves the blame to you. (If we can't work this out, it's because you couldn't forgive me, not because of what I did) He doesn't mean it. My H said EXACTLY the same thing! I would lean toward what Wife is saying, do not forgive too quickly! Doing so will only make him believe that he can do it again. But on the other hand, try not to find yourself in my position where forgiveness seems so far away.....I just have to remember that when we forgive, we do it for ourselves, not for WS. We forgive because we deserve to live a life unclouded by bitterness or unresolved rage. We don't forgive just to get our WS back.....is that truly forgiveness?blessings, B

Thanks Lu!I know you are right. It just seems like time drags on....and on.....and on....I think I am going to make an appointment with Steve H. I'm a little wary of the counselors out there! I'm truly convinced that our last one was just trying to make us believe that our whole lives had been nothing so he could keep us coming back and billing us $125 an hr!At any rate, thank you for your support. It's nice to know that there is still hope for us.blessings Bound

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by bound for better days: During times like these, I often wonder exactly why I am aubjecting myself to this torture.....it has been over a year since D-day, H is here, trying to make it work, yet I can't help but feel that he doesn't really have a clue about what his A has done to us; what it has done to me.I can't help but feel that it will never again be right between us. And, frankly, some of the posts I've read on Recovery haven't exactly been encouraging.....how long does this unhappiness go on?Since I can't really tell right now why I am still here (my marriage is still very unfulfilling), I was curious to know why some of you decided to stay around and try to work it out. Is it because of undying love for your spouse? Is it because of the kids? Is it fear of being alone? Is it refusal to lose your spouse to someone else? Is it religious convictions? Is it a simple belief in the institution of marriage?If it is undying love for your spouse, how have you managed to give yourself freely again to someone who so clearly did not care about your feelings?Someone posted on a thread of mine the other day that only I could know if I could live with what he's done. Some people can't, I guess. How do you know if you can live with it or if you can't? And if I can't, what does this say about me?Now, over a year later after vacillating back and forth between "Yes, I guess I can live with it", and "No, I don't think I can possibly live with it", I find myself as lost as ever.Any thoughts?Help, I'm sinking fast!B<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> You sound much like my W when she decided to to commit adultery. I don't like the other word because it minimizes the gravity that you describe in your post.Why I stay: Because I want to show my W the love that God wants her to experience first hand through me. It is much more than for religious reasons. The closer I get to God the more He reveals to me that religion is our (mankind's) attempt to get closer to God. Thus, I don't really call it religious. Getting in a deeper relationship with Go shows me with precise clarity that the way we look at things allows us to create the pain in our lives and in the lives of those we love.I am merely following Jesus's example. Does that mean I won't experience pain? No. Jesus said that we would experience a portion of the pain He experienced when He walked here on earth. Just think on how Jesus experienced the pain you, me, everyone on this board, and the entire world from beginning of time to judgement day. That is a enormous amount of pain when compared to our small amount.Does it ever go away? No, but is lessens with time. He said He would give us the understanding to have joy in the midst of the pain. I am a living testimony to that. ------------------ God Bless, Rob regilmor@swbell.net

Thanks, Rob....I know you are right, the pain will never go away, but it does lessen with time. I am trying to stay close to my higher power....

bfbd,Let me preface this by saying we are not in the recovery stage either, but to me it quite simple.1. I love my W.2. I remember how happy we once were.3. I believe if we can make the changes necessary, our marriage can be better than ever.4. The pain, unhappiness and loneliness I'm feeling right now will not be cured by getting divorced. 5. I believe in my W!!!!Call me naive, but that's my two cents.sad dad[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited July 01, 2001).]

I have often wondered the same thing but then I remember the history, the relationships, the memories, what we've built together, our children, the beauty of our love (that only I believe still exists) and of course my vow to maintain for better or for worse. BS's become the stronger person and ultimately rise above the deceit. It's amazing the change I've seen in my myself since I've decided to battle the most difficult fight of my life. I wish you luck in your struggle. Please don't give up.

to love honor and cherish for better or worse richer or poorer sickness and in health forsaking all others til death do us part. well those are my reasons anyhow

Bound,Thanks for the kind words.I'm at about the same time frame you are in this whole thing. And I feel very much the same way. I'm just so darn pooped. The first and only time I went skiing, before I had learned enough to do anything on the darn skis, I thought, "Well, I paid a lot of money for this lift ticket, I'm going to use it." So up I went to the top of mountain in Breckenridge, ID. I took the beginners path, 5 miles. but no steep slopes. Soon I discovered I was the only beginner stupid enough to be on that trail. In 6 hours, I saw only one other human being. I must have fallen 1000 times. The temp was about -20 Cel. and I became so tired that I really almost just laid down and went to sleep. I feel exactly like that now, only emotionally. When I got back to the "ski center" or whatever they call it, I fell for the last time right in front of this girl/woman (I never got her name), who looked down at me for a second or two and then kneeled down and said, "Hey are you OK?" I said, "I don't think I can get up again." She called for help. I just needed some coffee and Tylonol. I felt so dumb, to stupid, but I remember it as one of the best days of my life.I too hope that everything works out for you. I'm convinced that this is one of the most difficult emotional ordeals that people can go through. That's why, now that I'm going through it, I can't understand or imagine why it's so blasted common! I know where you are coming from and you are in my prayers, blessings to you.BTW, I think this was a great thread.Take care of yourself,Ish

Bound, Thank you for posting your question. I was asking myself "why" today - I certainly needed to read everyone's answers. Everyone, thank you for your answers! I am new to post, but have been reading for 6 weeks, since my H first left. I don't want to give my story right now. It is so nice to have a place like this to support each other and learn. It's very strange - yet somewhat comforting in a way - to read your own story, that's happening in someone else life somewhere accross the country.My reasons for holding on?? I guess I agree with most everyone. The institution of marriage. The vows. Afraid of being alone. Refusing to accept rejection. I still love my H. I want to be the strong one - to hold on when it most seems I should throw in the towel. I remember the good times, and I believe there will be many more. I believe God is working on both of us to make us better, which will make our marriage better.I stood by my husband through many trials (you know.... life) for 11 years. And I refuse to stand by passively and let miscommunication, a bad choice (H's A), and his confusion destroy our marriage. I can pray, work on myself, and hold on to hope that he will wake up from his fog.Blessings to all, Faith1

I just wanted to thank everyone who reached out to me, not only on this thread, but on every one that I've read in the last few days.4-5 days ago, I was convinced that I had lost my mind, and that nothing mattered. You people are phenomenal. All of you (us) are going through the worst times of your life, but you STILL have wonderful things to say to help others.May God bless each & every one of you. Thank you for helping me through my own fog of doubt.Love & blessings, Bound

Ishmael:BTW, Your post brought tears to my eyes. Your analogy is really quite profound. Thank you. Bound

B:Out of the gof come I.I guess I will approach this from the flip side (as the WS):With eyes wide open now, I can only thank God and my W for having the fortitude, faith and courage to reach into the fog, and to raise me up.God does that, you know. When we wander about in our fogs in life, and when totally lost, reach out our hand, we find that His is there, no matter how long we have been gone, no matter our transgressions.One can only hope, that we as human beings can lift ourself above our human frailties, our hurts, needs and pains to realize that kind of perfect love. We so, so often fall short. But when it is found, we realize then that only we limit it: for it is as boundless as we will let it be.Eternal thanks, Z, for that hand in the fog.Godspeed, STL

To STL & Z:You are two of the most unselfish people I've ever come across in my lifetime. To know that you had a wonderful weekend in Santa Fe together and made the time to come home and check up on your friends................That becomes far & beyond above sainthood.You will be blessed without a doubt.Can't even thank you enough.........Love & blessings, Bound

For the first couple of weeks after D-day (March 22) I could not imagine staying with STL. The betrayal seemed too great. But I was too numb to do anything about it. It was during that time that we read “Surviving an Affair”. So why did I stay?I love him with all my heart and soul. I knew that if I stayed I would experience pain. But there was a chance that, with hard work, we might make it. If I left him I would also be in pain but I would miss him for the rest of my life. And I would never know if we could have made it work after all.After much reflection I had to give him and our marriage this one chance. When I married him I promised to stay with him “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse”. To me this was sickness. He was a man who fell from grace with himself. I believe there is redemption for those who seek it. We are all human and we all make mistakes or stupid choices sometimes. I do not want to leave this marriage unless I feel that I have done all I could to make it work.If he were to have another affair I would leave him. I will not do this twice. He knows that.Another reason I am staying is because STL is working his rump off right besides me to make this marriage work now. I have always known that marriage was hard work. But I never knew what work I was supposed to be doing. The MB material clearly defines what the work I is and how to do it. So now I know what to do and I have a husband who will work on the marriage with me.Through this process both STL and I have grown tremendously as individuals. Our relationship has grown leaps and bounds. We are closer then we ever were. I can truly say that I love him more today then I ever have. But you see the biggest thing of all is that he is willing to do the work. He wants our relationship to grow and recover as much as I do. That I think this is the biggest key. We are both putting 100% into this. If he were not, I don’t think I could stay.------ There is some personal history here that is important. You may have read this on some of our other posts. This is the third marriage for both of us. We have both been through the ringer in our previous marriages. In my last marriage I stayed for years, basically doing Plan A. But my XH had no interest in making our marriage work. He was emotionally/physically abusive and had several affairs. Because of this experience and the level of hurt I experienced, today I would have no tolerance if STL did not put 100% into our relationship.The other bit of personal history is that we have only been married one year. We do not have the years vested that many people on this site do. STL’s affairs occurred during the entire time we were engaged and married. When I found out about the affairs, I felt that our entire relationship had been a sham. There was little untarnished history to cling onto.For these reasons I don’t think I could do what many of you are doing today. But I can also see how a person will work for their marriage despite the lack of cooperation as so many here are. I just know that I could not do it at this time.There are times when I feel that the affairs are a blessing in disguise. I wonder if we would have made it if we had not found the MB material and books. If that is what had to happen so that we found the guidance to build the marriage building skills we both needed, then so be it. God always gives us what we need not what we think we want. Who am I go second guess Him. Today I am very happy because I have a wonderful relationship with a man I love dearly. And I know beyond an shadow of a doubt that he loves me. But I am one of the lucky ones. RE: “ H is here, trying to make it work, yet I can't help but feel that he doesn't really have a clue about what his A has done to us; what it has done to me.”You say he is trying. What is he doing? Does he let you talk about the affair and help you deal with it?What extraordinary measures has he taken to earn back your trust?A year is too long to be this miserable. Though I’ve hard that it takes 2 years to get over an affair. But it sounds like you are stagnant. Not good. RE: “If it is undying love for your spouse, how have you managed to give yourself freely again to someone who so clearly did not care about your feelings? “ For the reasons above. Because he has implemented extraordinary measures to win my trust back. Because I honestly believe his affairs had nothing to do with me. I believe that he was in a depression, dealing with unresolved/untreated ADD, and he had not recovered from this divorce (XW left him and the children for an other man.) I now believe that we got involved to soon after his divorce. RE: “How do you know if you can live with it or if you can't?” You know you can live with it because you are with little to no pain. If there is pain for a protracted period of time then perhaps you cannot deal with it. RE: And if I can't, what does this say about me? That you are human and that there is at least one issue you have not dealt with. It also might say that you are getting a very big payoff for feeling this way. Does it give you power in the relationship? Z ------------------ He loves not who does not show love. ----William Shakespeare

Z:Hmmmm....interesting question...."Are you getting some payoff for feeling this way?. Does it give you power?"Never really thought about it that way. At first glance, I would have said, of course not, I feel anything BUT powerful! I'd like to think that I am not so shallow....but our subconscious minds DO sometimes make us do foolish things......I don't know what that payoff might be. It's hard to imaging making ourselves miserable on purpose. I think that perhaps I am just trying to "be certain" that this is a risk worth taking. I am trying to get to know my H again, to know what kind of a man he really is......since he obviously is NOT the man I thought he was. I feel sort of like you did, in that our entire relationship was a sham....that the person I fell in love with was not real.But I'm making myself crazy in the process!Thanks for the insight into your situation. Although everyone has a unique set of circumstances, the pain is the same. I just wish it would go away!Blessings, Bound

I stayed engaged because I feel what happened to us can happen to anyone. It didn't change the fact that we are well matched. In fact, I've never met anyone who was a better mesh with me than my fiance. I believe we can have something excellent, if we work at it.

Just wanted to send this back up for those who perhaps have not seen it yet.

bound:How is it going? Any progress?Thoughts and prayers with you, Godspeed, STL

up again for whoever needs a reminder why we're doing this or if anyone needs to add [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

------------------ Faith1[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 07, 2001).]

D-day was 10 months ago and I can honestly say that I stayed because I did love WS. But the now I'm not to sure as to why I am still here. With all the energy we but into not LBing and meeting WS EN. It seems like WS actually takes aay what love is left when they return and want everything okay over night. They don't want to see your pain , they don't want to talk about it and they dont understand what's wrong with you. Maybe I now stay for habit.------------------ HealingnNC Sometimes I think that I was meant to experience all the things that I have experienced in my life just so I could be ready to love and be loved.

Why are we doing this? Because we are winners, not whinners and we know that anything worth a damn requires work. We also know that Godis on our side, that we have left our fathers house to dwell in our own and it's up to us clean it and tendit and that this is something worth dealing with. So..........we continue to fight and to work and to deal with each other in such a manner as we always wished we could and we survive, which is more than some can say, lucky us!------------------ Chick's BrenYou won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

I am the wife of Sad_n_lonely. I suppose we all are doing this because we want our marriage to work. Yes, the pain is so unbearable. I would rather die then endure this much longer. Like I read before, losing a child is not as bad as this. You know the child is gone and in a better place then this one. The thing that scares me about our kids, is they have learned that no matter who you marry you can't trust the marriage to last. I made a committment at the alter till death due us apart. But my husband does not believe in that. He keeps asking what is marriage, what is love, why do I have to stay in a marriage. What about christian values, also, the OW was supposedly a christian teaching bible classes and etc. This has showed our family that religion doesn't matter. The OW husband doesn't know about the affair. So I guess that excludes her family from knowing. But our kids know and that hurts me that they have seen their dad act in this manner while being married.The betrayed spouse I feel are more responsible and rational than the WS. We are the one conducting the life around the house, paying bills, getting phone calls done and etc. While the WS sits in self-pity, as I see it. The mememe statement on another thread fits the WS perfectly. I feel sorry for my husband at times. I do not wish him to feel sad about the OW not wanting him. But I do wish that he would get off the fence and decide. I feel sad that my husband is depressed and feels alone. I am here, but I am not what he wants. He wants her. With Gods help and prayers, maybe one day he will come to his senses and enjoy a marriage with me and the kids and enjoy himself and lose weight and be happy. I love you Joe.

Ido this because....I know the man he truly is inside, not the nasty, depressed one that cheated on me.I do this because...there is not better sight that H's great smile when he is truly happyI do this because....H is my best friend, and has changed in more ways than i could say. The man he is NOW makes me a BETTER me.I do this because....I am stubborn, and will not let some piece of fluff ruin my plans for my lifeI do this because....I LOVE HIM!!!I do this because... He was truly remorsfulI do this because...God has given me the strength and the piece of mind to endure it, and has guided my revovery in every day.I do this because.... I regcognize the fault i have in the starvation of his needs over a long period of time, helped ( did not make it ok) him try to find a fill for that massive void!I do this because....Our children deserve US as a whole complete family!! And we are!I do this because....He does not let me CRY without trying to make it better!I do this because.....I WANT TOO and KNOW it will be the greatest ending of alltime for H and I. We are committed and we fill those needs. He is my friend, lover, and partner now. I truly love this man , and i KNOW he truly loves me!Maine------------------ IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

Maine - is your husband truly remorseful? What makes one remorseful and another not. My husband tells me repeadly he is not in any fasion. Your post is quite explicit. Good to hear all the good about him and you. I would think your husband would be very proud of you if he read this post. It would definitely be a great lovebank deposit. Yes, I guess we all are in the same boat. Trying to recognize how one spouse can do this while the other did what was proper, stay and be a good spouse. Anyways, maybe someone will come up with the right sentence to encourage these WS to see why the BS is doing what they are doing. I sure am confused, but seem to beable to function better some days than others. I wish our kids did not have to be in the middle of this. What a picture we have painted for them, the colors are running all together making a big mess. Would be nice to start the process of drying the paint and picking out the streaks and creating a beautiful picture.

Just wanted to let all of you know that things are better for us these days. Everyone on this board has helped me to see things from a different perspective and in a different light. I also wanted to say thank you for picking me up and making me remember what marriage really means; for making me remember why I AM doing this. You guys are great!Blessings, Bound

Amen, Bound!Thanks for starting this thread in the first place. I like to re-read it every now and then for encouragement. THanks everyone!------------------ Faith1"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'" Matt 15:28

Hi you all.... very new here and quite curious about some of the terminology... What is "BS" and "A"???Kindly enlight me in these matters of the heart. Lady Dante

Dante, BS is Betrayed Spouse, A is Affair. WS is Wayward spouse. There's welcome post around here somewhere that links to the lingo and stuff. Keep reading and looking around. you'll catch on, but don't be afraid to ask.[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 17, 2001).]

I have been wondering this myself lately. It would be easier to leave and get my own little place and start a new life. I would be away from all the pain and hurt. That would be easier. I stay because I love him with all my heart. I want to have kids with him. I want to grow old with him. I want the things we have dreamed about and planned for the last 6 years. I don't want to start over. I want my H tocome out of the fog and back to me. I just want to love him and be loved by him. I just want my life back. I know I'm responsible for not meeting his PN & EN but NOTHING is as important to me now as trying to undo the damage that has been done and make our life whole again. Too bad he doesn't feel the same way. I will keep working on me and on plan A till he does or he leaves.

up

Ditto. I will continue on Plan A. It is hard, and I feel lonely inside. There seems to be not a ounce of remorse from my H who is the WS. There are days that I want to leave and just say forget it. But I am here, feeling the hurt and pain every day. Hopefully, the pain won't hurt so much one day. Does one ever become hardened to the thoughtlessness of the WS? How long does it take to get to that point? We are all in this together, and I am counseling with Jennifer Harley, without my husband. He is still talking to the OW and has not made a committment to work on this marriage according to Harleys plan. Therefore, I am to do the work myself and talk to her every week, shes my one and only person that I feel safe and protected by. Isn't that sad, the OW is protected and feels safe with my H, but I can't. God, how did you ever let this happen, not only to myself but all the other BS out there? Why do we feel so much pain, and they are till continuing their affair with the OP and getting their needs met, and we sit here like punching bags, waiting for the next blow.

B,Iam still a mewbi here, D-day was almost 3 months ago. Here's why I'm doing it.Even though it has only been a short while compaired to some I have often asked myself the same question. My MIL has helped me with that question often in the past. When angry and upset she would let me vent on her and when I was done she would always ask "So, why are you still there?" and every time, without thinking I'd say "I love her and I want my family". That was enough to wake me up, calm me down and make me think. I do love my W, I still believe she loves me and I still believe in her. I believe my children deserve both parents at home who love each other, no better example for them. I accept my part in the cause of the A, I owe it to myself and to my W to do all that I can to fix that part of me. I took a vow before God and to her to love her for better or worse, the worse is here how do I abandon her now. I know that through this I can and will become a better man. I believe that someday my W will come out of the fog, I want to be there for her when she does. My W has been my best friend for 10 years now, I value that and the relationship we had, I won't throw that away, not without a fight.I hope I was of some help to you. It helped me to have written it down and to read what so many others have to say. Thank you.Keep the faith, Silwl

thanks to everyone for hanging in there and being an example to those of us who are new hear. i hang for many reasons: i believe in my W, i've commited my life to this family, God has shown us too many miracles to believe that He is not able to make us better through all this pain, i long for feeling free and loving life, quitters never win and winners never quit, my kids deserve the best chance at this life WE have brought them into and i don't want them to go through the immense pain and loneliness i went through as a kid, i don't want to learn to love another woman, i made a commitment to never even mention divorce(i will not bow down to a selfish act of lust), God forgave me when i came to Him, i will find that strength and grace to forgive my wife for the adultery and the lies(though i feel cheated to the utmost degree), and lastly because i know that i am not perfect.......just too darn trusting!!!!!!! God will make me a stronger man on the other side of this to. ------------------ If we truly believe that we died and rose with Christ then we can live like it, thus we cannot say "I can't" only "I won't" or "I will"

Wow, I came back to read this because I needed a little "reminder" and a little encouragement, and it brought tears to my eyes at times. Thanks again, everyone, for unselfishly sharing your innermost feelings.I haven't been around in a while, but my thoughts and prayers have been with all of you. I sincerely hope that things are better for everyone. Since you guys been so inspirational for me, I wanted to share some things that I've recently discovered that have been helpful, not only for my marriage, but for ME and my life in general. I feel that my life is much more enriched today than I did even three months ago.My H and I will be attending a MB seminar in a few weeks that will be presented by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. "in the flesh". I am extremely excited about it, and expect that it will indeed be a life changing weekend. The materials & principles here are really quite simple, yet exactly on the mark. They WORK, so for all the newbies out there, stick around! You will find that it will make YOU a better, stronger person. After all, every one of our relationships start with US.It's hard to believe that so many of us couldn't figure out how to make our marriages work before it was almost too late, huh? It's kinda like the book, "All I ever really needed to know I learned in kindergarten." Be nice to others. Don't yell at people. Don't run with scissors......ah, but I digress.I recently found another wonderful book called "Courtship After Marriage" by Zig Ziglar. Many of the principles discussed are the same as the MB principles tossed together with a nice touch of humor and delightful stories, such as the "Ten-Cow Wife" or his cute observation of how all the women in the world have convinced their husbands that he is the GREATEST outdoor barbecue chef EVER...... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

) I'd highly recommend it. It will lift your spirits. Not sure if you can get it at a bookstore or even Amazon, you might have to go directly to his website.Thanks again to everyone for reading, posting and caring.Blessings, B

you read my mind [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

. thanks for bringing this back to the top. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I needed it again.

Hi Faith.......reading your posts again was one of the main reasons I did send it back up! How are you doing?B

bound, I'm actually very good today. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Nothing good has happened - who knows what my H is doing - probably seeing an attorney today.... ?? but anyway, I'm just in a great mood. I don't know why. Just wanna be I guess.Which of my posts inspired you to bring this back up? My recent ones? About myself? Or to others? Or on this thread? just curious... what you mean....I'm glad you are doing well. We always need inspiration around here of great success. Thanks for sharing your BBQ secret - although those are being shared on WAT's thread today... LOL [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

faith,Glad to hear you are doing well! You know, happiness truly DOES come from within!Oh! For all you ladies out there, I have YET ANOTHER book to recommend (I read two or three a week). This one is only for us girls, the guys wouldn't be able to use it. "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach (pronounced Bon Brannock) is awesome. The best part about this one is that you can keep reading it forever. There is about a page per day (it's organized like a calendar) and it just makes you feel SO good! Faith...I'll have to check out WAT's thread.....thanks for the tip. Your posts that I referred to were the ones on this thread. They helped to keep it going. Lots of wisdom here, don't you think?Now I have a really stupid question......How do you do those cool little smiley faces? I've been lurking and posting here for a long time, but have never had the guts to ask anyone! Or else I've just been too lazy to look it up... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

) (My antiquated smiley-face).B

Yes, this is a wonderful thread!!! It was the catalyst to me de-lurking, and getting a grip on why I needed to learn and apply these principles. smilies: when you are typing a message, look to the left and you'll see a Smilies Legend. click on that. Basically, : ) together will give you [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

. ; ) together will give you [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

.tee-hee... no such thing as a stupid question!

Oh wow, I did it and didn't even know it! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

The earlier one was rather inappropriate, though [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

How fun is that?Simple things........ [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]