Only slightly off topic - W changed son's address

I know this will ultimately be a legal problem for my attorney, but I hate paying those ambulance chasers if I don't have to.Just wondering if anyone else has confronted this issue and what the options are.Finally learned just yesterday why I hadn't yet seen my son's report card for the end of the school year. My wife changed "our" address to hers.Our son goes to a private school and we get a lot of correspondence via mail. The correspondence used to be addressed to both parents at my home - the one where we all lived before the aliens attacked. Throughout the last school year - we were separated the entire term - all school related mail came to my house. In Plan A I always shared this stuff with my wife, and there's no reason not to in Plan B. My practice was to make a copy of important stuff, like monthly calendars of school activities, and give to her. Now, no telling what I've missed. She didn't inform me of this change which must have occured long before I went to Plan B. The only good news in this is that she'll now get the bills, also.Anyway, what to do? Forget it? We have 50/50 custody stipulated in our separation agreement, but there is nothing controlling about this specific thing. My son's address remains the same as mine for everything else - his investments, his baseball activities, IRS stuff, doctor and dentist, etc.WAT

I believe that you can contact the school and ask them to send out separate notices to you also. You can also request copies of his report card.You have every legal right to information regarding your son and his activities and his grades - unless the school refuses to cooperate (which they shouldn't) - there's really no need to get lawyers involved.IF you end up in divorce court you can add details of how you get informed into your custody agreement.------------------ Pain is a given, misery is optional.

Total power play! yuck.I agree that you should go to the school. Tell them that you didn't know the address had been changed and ask them to send duplicate to your address. Make sure that you are also to be notified of anything that occurs during the school day as I am sure your wife has done the same also. Schools are very accomodating when it comes to this kind of stuff.Sorry, Dave, I just don't understand why a parent would try to exclude another.

I agree with the others.. contacting the school is your best bet. Is anyone still there now? Or do you have to wait until mid August?That was downright selfish of your W to do that. Not that that surprises me any mind you. It's a good thing you're in plan B now, or else this would likely turn out to be a mega LB. I'm sure she'd come up with some lame excuse like, 'oh, I asked them to send the information out to BOTH of us.'. Which, okay, IS possible... but I doubt it. Schools are all too accomodating to parents that live apart.Karen

Thanks, ladies, a very practical solution.Now, what, if anything, should I do about this "power play" from a symbolism standpoint?It seems important to me that she does not get "equal" status as a parent because she is the one who left us. I'm not trying to be vindictive, it's just my thought that she chose to leave against my and my son's wishes, so she has to take the bad along with the good. I think it adds to the weight of the burden she carries by continuing her affair and refusing all counseling, etc. It seems to be a reasonable component of Plan B. Am I overly biased on this?WAT

WAT, In my opinion, if your son lives with you more than with your wife, then his address should be your. I know it is 50/50, but in reality is it? I have never thought about this issue before, but to me, it should only be one primary residence.LAN

Dave, definately the power play scenario going on. What to do? Because it is an issue about your son, even though you're in Plan B, you could email her about it if you wanted. You absolutely should know what is going on with his school activities, grades, etc. Maybe email your wife and simply inform her that you are requesting that the school send you the same information that they send to her. See how she reacts or responds to that and go from there.And, no, you're not being vindictive.....

WAT, I don't think you are overly biased? He is your son, right?Yes, school's help, and there are alot more of these things happening.Schools also have lists - about parents who are not allowed to pick the kid up - just so you know - incase she tries that one on you. It probably has to be by court order - I don't know the legalities of putting people on these lists.hugs, aftershock

Here's a thought: do you think the school would split the bill between you and your wife? If they'll send out two copies of everything else.. I wonder if they'd do that? Plan B as you know is totally about you. You do what is best to protect you (and your son of course).I agree with your statement about how things really shouldn't be 50/50 since it wasn't a 50/50 decision that she leave in the first place. However, by allowing her the 50/50 she wants, isn't that the best way to have her take on the responsibilities that she thought she could leave behind her?Karen

You are in Plan B - why make this more complicated than it needs to be?Yes, it's a power play - so ignore it. Contact the school for anything you need to know, and leave her out of it.You seem to be very focused still on her, and what she's doing and how she's affected by things..etc.Plan B is supposed to help you take the focus off her and put the focus on your own life. You are putting far too much energy into her!!I know, easier said than done...just be aware of it! ------------------ Pain is a given, misery is optional.

WAT--Schools get custody agreements all the time...I would take a copy of yours...They are actually good things for schools to know and have...you wouldn't believe all the things that happen between custodial parents...well...maybe you would...The school should have a procedure so that both parents get the information...and I echo BrambleRose--just do your thing...leave her out of it...it's all about you moving on for you...Cali

Dave, From an administrative standpoint, the school wants every parent involved in their kids! The school will send you both things regarding your son. From a personal standpoint, let her think she is one upping you. Let her think she won. If you confront it, she is only going to get angry, defensive and everything else you already know. She is waiting to hear from you, I would bet, so she can show you she is in control. Not giving a reaction, will not give her any power over you. You have dealt with the situation, which was getting info from the school about your son. It is not reacting to your wifes little ploys!*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*Trueheart

Rosie and Cali - duh, thanks for the kick in the butt. You are absolutely right and you beat WhoDat to the punch. I shouldn't care about what power play she attempts to pull, as long as it doesn't directly affect me. Thanks.BTW, cali - I'm waiting for one of your patented posts so I can reply, "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!!!" for those of us who remember the Brady Bunch.WAT

WATI don' post much to you, I know. But what awesome advice from Truehart, go with it, don't feed into her power play. If she changed the address at the end of the last year think about how long it is she has been waiting for your response, you haven't yet so why should you now? If you do want to do something take the seperation agreement to the school and ask if they will bill her her half of his tution, she'll know then that something is up and she doesn't come out owing you money like now, when she doesn't pay, and you must to keep your son in school, this will be her debt to the school not you.My 2 cents worth, not much compared to all of the awesome advice that all of you pass out.D

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR> Rosie and Cali - duh, thanks for the kick in the butt. You are absolutely right and you beat WhoDat to the punch. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>LMAO, Dave... would it surprise you to know I was going to reply, “What BrambleRose said” before I read your reply to her? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I’d certainly make sure you get copies of everything... if there’s anything more important than taking care of you right now, it‘s taking care of your son. If there’s a charge for the extra copies, I’d bill her for it. If there IS anything that must be sent to one address (such as registration materials, etc.), I would change the primary address back to yours, and have all possible copies of everything else sent to your W. This might set up a ping-pong match though, with the school being the ball having to change addresses every few weeks. ------------------ Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

trueheart and Dawn - wow what a great name for a rock band, er, no, that was Tony Orlando and Dawn, sorry, maybe not so great afterall.Good advice. I didn't think about it this way. Similar to BrambleRose's and Cali's point.Let me ask you this. I've been tempted to tell my wife in some near future routine e-mail concerning <son's> activities that I disapprove of any interaction between <son> and OM. I sincerely believe it is harmful, but I can not prove this to the extent I would need to to legally do anything about it. I just don't want my son being exposed to OM's influence. She knows I disapprove, but this topic has not surfaced for many months. I also know I have little influence over whether the interaction occurs or not. But, she thinks she's been effective in fooling me into thinking that she no longer associates with OM, so this is one way I can indicate to her that I know it can/is happening and that I disapprove.Should I ignore this for the same reasons I should ignore the address thing?WAT

Regarding this becoming a Ping Pong match for a one address thing (registration materials, etc.) ... call the school and run it past them. See if they have contingencies for this type of situation, as I'm sure they do.Oh, and Dave, whatever you agree on with the school, back it up with a letter sent to the school and perhaps cc: W.Ughhh, Son's Interaction with OM. Well ... as you know I don't have any children of my own, but knowing how much I love and care for OC, I can somewhat imagine how this must feel.Unfortunetly, unless OM is doing something illegal, I believe your hands are tied. You trying to circumvent OM from seeing S would probably be quite an LB to your W. However, knowing your Son's welfare is THE most important thing, I guess your LBs are allowed and very warranted in this instance.Personally, when it comes to children's welfare, I would not hold back. I'd do whatever I felt necessary to ensure my child was safe and healthy in every aspect. Gawd, having an OP's influence on your child when their character is questionable must be so hard to deal with. I wish your wife would see what all this is doing to her Son. Just a real shame. Sorry Dave.Lv, Jo

Dave...Youre in luck!! I do have some experience here and a couple of ideas! When it comes to kids, I will stand in front of a truck before I will let them be used as pawns in some parental chess match! (Getting off soap box now..ok Im short... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

)How old is your son Dave? I am sorry, I forgot. I know it says somewhere, but I get lost in all the threads.One thing I know for sure, whether it is within the court or just between two rational adults, is that the child has a voice in this, to a certain degree. Depending on the state, and sometimes the judge, at about the age of 12, the court asks the child, in an adoption situation if the child wants to be adopted by a step parent, and if they understand what it means. Now, I realize we are not dealing with an adoption here, but one thing that I do know, from 20+ years of teaching, is that kids have strong opinions about things, especially their parents dating habits!! (You would die if you heard some of the things that step kids call the other parent or whomever the custodial parent is dating!!!) What I am trying to say here, is that your son has a voice in this. If he doesnt want to be around OM, he has EVERY right to that decision, and dear old MOMMY should honor it!! IT IS HER SONS RIGHT!!! She has no right to demand he be near OM!!Secondly, and this is a cheap but effective way to stop it too! Does OM have anything you know of that can be construed as unsafe for your son? Drinking or drug problems? Temper or violent streak? You can get a restraining order that you believe it is not safe for your son to be near OM. A judge will grant it, if it involves the safety of a child! Trust me, I know this. Of course, this would also be seen as big LB to W, right? I am not giving you full proof answers, just a couple of suggestions to help you, hopefully.Trueheart

Ok, I typed this awesome response with some good stuff in it and lost it, have no clue as to where I sent it. Oh well!!Yes I remember Tony Orlando and Dawn, they even had their own show, remember "tie a yellow ribbon around the oak tree"? I have never been able to sing, my kids fight over who has to seat next to me in church!!!! I think that all of BS'ers should tie purple ribbons on the doors of the OP's, kind of like the scarlet letter thing!!! Whatcha think?Ok to remember the thought that I had about your son and OM I know not two words you want to see in the same sentence, sorry. It's a rough idea will need some polish, true heart where are you? Go the flattery/sugary route, e mail her and commend her on how well she has done keeping the OM and son apart and how much you appreciate that, that she is respecting your feelings on the matter, let her know that you understand how hard that it has been for her as she cares for them both so much. They say flattery well get you anything. Perhaps it will work, it plays into the power thing that she likes to have, you are not bad mouthing the OM so she has no need to defend him. Not sure it will work but could. I think the first version was a little better though.My two older kids want nothing to do with the OW, the youngest doesn't know about her. H stated while in counseling that he would becoming to visit the kids, not them, I thought how sad. He will have her, and he will have his kids and will have to maintain two lives per say. I know till I sign D papers that she better not be living in the house/apartment.Oh well!! Hope my thought gives you something to work from or build on.Dawn

Trueheart - this was almost a rhetorical question, asked out of frustration. I can't stand the thought of my son having fun with W and OM together.He's almost 13. Problem is, that OM is my wife's (former) best friend's H. So you can imagine OM and <son> already know each other pretty well and have been around each other A LOT in the past. Talk about slime, OM was a pallbearer for my younger son. In that my remaining son doesn't understand why I don't consider OM a friend any more, he almost would take up for him. So, his preference so far, I believe, is to not let me know how often he's around OM.I don't expect OM would intentionally harm my son or realize that he represents a bad influence - after all, his relationship with my wife is "so right." But even before the affair, I considered him to be an arrogant a$$ who didn't display the character traits of someone I wanted my son around. Immature, bossy, disrespectful to his own son, and, well, just plain ignorant - his VCR flashes 12:00. So, drug addict, no; drinking problem, no. Despised now by his own kids, yes; willing to take advantage of a grieving mother, yes; betraying someone he called his friend (me), yes; flaunting his relationship with my deceased son, yes; accusing me of hiding money for my deceased son's medical care, yes. Does he sound like someone my son should be around? Does he sound like someone you'd like to be around?Sorry for the heavy stuff. It's just dern sad.WAT

OK, I'm late,been working all day! She's trying to see if she can get a rise out of you!Do what you have to do to get the information you need and don't even mention it to her. The silence will kill her, she's expecting you to react. Don't.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by mthrrhbard: OK, I'm late,been working all day! She's trying to see if she can get a rise out of you!Do what you have to do to get the information you need and don't even mention it to her. The silence will kill her, she's expecting you to react. Don't.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I agree, she is trying to see how you react. DON'T!I have gotten where I don't respond to my STBX, of course now he is doing it to me also.Aren't you going to the beach this wkend? Enjoy think about poor little old me down here in hot TX, suffering with marco & mirco eco, looks like another wkend of the pool & eco bk to me [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

mother and sing - I'd like to believe she's trying to get a rise outta me, but I think it's actually closer that she's trying to wrest control of as many of <son's> "things" as possible. I suspect it bothers her that <son's> primary home, from a practical standpoint, is my house, with the vast majority of his belongings, where he spends over half of his time, where the au pair lives, and where his neighborhood friends live. Little by little, she's been trying to establish an "equal" home for <son> with her. She even has <son> describing her apartment as "Mom's and my apartment." He has a second bicycle there, a lot of clothes, video games, etc. (If I could only get her to take the dogs.)This is very frustrating for me as I cannot/should not use my son as a pawn. I admit that I want to deny her equal status as a parent because she made the decision to leave us against the will of <son> and I.OK, I'll stop whining.SING!!! Tell me you're doing better, please?WAT

WAT, it is truly a control thing. It's almost like they are so out of control (and in my H's case sooooo controlled by the OP) that they have to control YOU!!! hence...scapegoat. I've come to the conclusion that this is part of their "high"... It is very difficult to dance your way out of it. The first step is to NOT react... I agree with the others to do what you need to do regarding son's info from school and leave her out of it.Because the real problem is that to control, they will put the kids in the middle... I've had it happen toooooooo many times. It is just not worth it to me anymore. About the kids around OP... believe me it is hard. But you know, again, we cannot protect our kids from thier parents behavior. I realize we do need to protect them from danger,,,,drugs, violence... but in some ways, not protecting them from this is a kind of natural consequence for the WS. I have worn myself out trying to protect my kids from the baby and the ow. It isn't going to happen... but I can tell you... it doesn't matter if their parent in an ax murderer...kids want to have a relationship with that parent. I've had many discussions with thier counselor about this issue. My kids want to spend time with their dad. They are not happy about or accepting really of his behavior. They don't want to hurt his feelings they say... ( in some ways they have been forced into a parent role by him, becuase of his emotional immaturity).All you can really do is to maximize the time you have with your son and let a lot of it go. I've already asked my H if he could put himself in thier shoes and try to feel how they might feel about the fact that he has this baby. That they might feel hurt or embarrassed... He said "I dont' see it that way"... You know WAT, these "savior" relationships are built on sand. Just stand back and let what happens happens.

Dave,I am doing great. Even though I didn't do the plan B thing, I was ready to move on when H quit his job & moved in with the "love of his life" gag. I am glad to have an ending instead of the never ending I don't want you, love you, I am only hear for the boys song & dance that I lived for over 2 yrs. I maybe broke soon, doesn't look as if I am going to find a teaching job for the fall ( I refuse to look outside of my district this yr)but I think the boys & I are happier, will OS is not he wants to go back to Singapore & has found it hard to fit back into things but the boys are leaving this weekend for a wks visit to grandparents with their dad then OS will come home to 2 a days football pratic in the hot TX sun, I can't wait.The pool has been wonderful for the boys, we are living admist boxes, I can't seem to find time to study, go to school, & be a mom at the same time & unpack. The hardest part for me is to unpack almost 21 yrs of memories, it makes me sad. I am very angry at STBX about the way things went down. Even though we are civil , I think that will soon end, as the lawyer I have is supposely tough, he had an evil grin when I told him my story, especailly the money going to OW for the last yr. I don't think H knows that will come back to haunt him. While I don't ever want H back, I can't say I hope he & OW are happy, by all accounts they are. I hate that he is forcing her on the boys, I think they would like her if they didn't think it would hurt me, I keep telling them it is all right if they do. H is buying them stuff, like for OS frontpage & adobe photoshop but he wanted OS to do some webdesigning for him (H is starting a consulting business plus looking for a job).You asked, just think this is the short answer. Well I have most likely failed one eco test today, as I have time guess I could start work on the one due Mon, at least I can use the book.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR> If I could only get her to take the dogs.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>There’s not a lot you can do about the former things such as toys and a bike, but I think there is something you can do about this. It’s something I’ve been thinking about because much like yourself, I really cannot stand rat/microwave dogs (and no flames from the rat-dog lovers please... it’s just personal preference). Have you thought about just taking them to her apartment and leaving them there? I realize that her apartment doesn’t allow dogs, but that’s not really your problem, is it? If not before, I myself would take them over the DAY she serves you in August (if she does indeed do so). Tie their leashes through the doorknob together and leave. When she incredulously states she can’t have them there, tell her that it’s not your problem, and if she brings them back to your house their next stop would be the pound (although you might be able to get a couple bucks for them at Taco Bell [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

)*sigh* I understand it would be a LoveBuster, and it’s just a thought. But the though of you having to take care of her rat-dogs while she lives her freewheeling lifestyle galls so much more. ------------------ Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

WhoDat - I have thought of that very solution. I've thought of others, too, but don't want to raise the ire of animal rights activists [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

- THAT WAS A JOKE!!!My son is another moving part here. He wants to keep them, although, like a typical 12 year old, he comes up short in the care and feeding department. If I force them on my wife, <son> will see me as cruel and may possibly feel sorry for both Mom and the dogs and may want to spend more time at her place. Of course, I don't really know what his reaction would be.I'm a pretty laid back guy and maybe I make the dogs sound worse than they really are. It's just one of them that's really high maintenance. I will probably coast awhile on this, waiting to see if she files, then play it by ear.WAT

Whodat! - you are in rare form. I don't think I have ever seen this side of you. Funny!Dave - could you talk to your son about the dogs without making it about his "mothers" dogs? Like, saying that the care of the dogs is too much for you etc.. If he really wants the dogs, then tell him he will have to take care of them and if its not possible then they will have to be given to somebody who has time to care for dogs. (all said in a nice way, of course)

Hi Cleo - of course you're right and I would attempt that approach before I did anything drastic. One thing that may not be obvious is that, no thanks to my wife, my son needs as much stability as I can give him in his continuing recovery from the loss of his brother. I'm trying to prevent as many sudden changes as possible.Another option is to give my wife one of the dogs. "Oh, poor things, they'd be separated! You mean old man!"OK, I'm old, but I'm slow.Yea, what about WhoDat? We need to try to get another rise outta him!!Dave (WAT)

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Yea, what about WhoDat? We need to try to get another rise outta him!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>LOL... just try dropping the rat-dogs off at my house, and you'll really see my head spin around! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

------------------ Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die