Pls Share your status and how you FEEL - Marriage Builders® Forums

I'd like to have an update from everyone, I'd also like you to tell us how you feel at this stage in your marital situation. You know, what you're feeling.I'll post mine a little later.Best to all, Jo------------------ "Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

My H has 'left,' by that he has a place where he goes to sleep...he spends most of his day here. This week he has spent every night...says because he has to take OS to camp in the morning...He has come into our bed in the wee hours of the morning...He still hates it when I tell him I love him...but has been intimate with me as recently as this week.My feelings are at a crossroads...I have asked BIL, who is a lawyer, for # of one of his friends out here...I have downloaded separation agreement and child support info...I feel like I have made some very important changes as to who I am and how I react to things now...but he is unwilling to work on marriage because he doesn't trust that I have changed plus he says OW is still in his head...In my head I have two more months of plan A...if he is still on the fence, plan B is right around the corner...I love him, but I am going to move forward. With or without him.Cali------------------ Live Impeccably In Your Word. Don't Take Anything Personally. Make No Assumptions. Do Your Best Always.

H has been moved out for 5 and 1/2 weeks. First left 10 and 1/2 weeks ago, then had PA, then came home to "work on it", then left again "to figure things out". No kids. Married for 7 and 1/2 years.We hardly ever talk. He's always "busy" working. Won't tell me where he lives. He goes to church with OW. I don't know if PA is over - he says it is. He won't talk to his family. I am Plan A'ing the best I can - little e-mails, phone test msgs, friendly when we talk. Encouraging him, praying for him. I was VERY discouraged yesterday - nothing happened to cause it - I just felt hopeless. I feel better today. I want him back so bad. I love him, and expect him to snap out of this anytime. I know he loved me. But I am not going to wait around forever. My goal right now is to Plan A until the end of September, then go to Plan B for a short time only. I'm scared of Plan B - I think it will end everything - push him to the other side of the fence. But I still wonder in the back of my mind if it will actually help. I know I haven't Plan A'd long enough though. I haven't LB'd in about 3 weeks. Prior to that, I'd say my Plan A was about 75% solid. How's that? Thanks for the invitation to give an update.------------------ Faith1"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'" Matt 15:28

My W and I are trying to work on it. She told me that she ended the relationship 2 weeks ago. Since then we have seen each other almost every day (I'm in an apartment and she and the kids are living with a friend of hers). Somedays she is glad to see me others she barely speaks to me (even though she invites me over). Its weird. This morning, however, I believe she had phone contact with OM (see my earlier post). Its funny I believe I am actually experiencing more emotions now than I was when she was telling me that she was going to divorce me, but certainly less than when I first found out about the A. S&C

Here goes, d-day was Jan 27, H asked for D, was/is only an EA.Moving towards seperation 10 Aug, H is moving cause of job, kids and I are moving home, have not filed any paper work.I'm angry, I am mad, I don't deserve this, I feel used, I feel cheated, I feel disrespected.I am a good person, a great mom and an awesome wife and I will make it through this crap and will still be all of those things, my H cannot take those things away from me unless I let him and I wont!!!I wonder a lot, my H has been gone, was with Kids to visit family last Th-Sun and then left Mon again for business for 2 weeks. He has called 3 out of the 4 nights to talk to me, about nothing, and e mailed once. Is he waffling? I expect him to tell me that I need to know that this it it's over, doesn't want me to be mislead. I don't know I hope but don't let hope build as it usually turns to disappointment.I guess I am ready for this to be over so I can go forward, but I don't want to give up that last chance either, confusing, I know welcome to my world.Dawn

I guess I have to try and lift the spirits here a bit. We are doing well, talking about everything becomes easier daily, the love is returning more and more, although the trust has taken a beating, (and I dont expect blind trust ever again, nor do I deserve it).The episodes of me beating up on myself have lessened, but I still do it from time to time. Forgiving oneself is more difficult than forgiving someone else, believe me.The laughter and love is returning. We keep getting stronger and realize that our communication patterns are changing. The LBs dont come as often and we are not afraid of pointing them out to each other (ok, not all the time!)We are heading for a getaway next week and get some *US* time. I don't wanna sound like a fairytale ending here gang, but I am more than thankful I got the chance to right the wrongs. If and when the WS comes their senses, it can be done!! I hope ya'll get closer today and tomorrow!!Thanks for being here!! I couldn't do it without you guys. You make me realize so many things!!*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*True

Thanks for the request. D-day was June 24, got in big fight and she took all her summer clothes and moved out of the house on June 25. She told me the day she moved out that she was sorry for hurting me and our families and that counseling was the place we needed to discuss it. That hasn't happened yet. Although she has been going once a week individually to "work on herself." Since D-day I have done some major LB's (got caught following her, told friends and family and hired an attorney and sent OM a letter w/ a lawsuit against my wife's wishes) However, I have been Plan Aing for a solid two weeks with no LB's and our conversations have gotten very consistant (couple of times a day) she has even started to open up about her counseling and what she thinks. She is still confused and says that she was used to getting only 15% of my love while giving 100% and now she is getting 200% from me and she doesn't trust me. I guess I'm starting to meet some EN's (i hope) She still has not discussed or admitted to the affair. She has not closed any doors but then again there are few that are open. She just says she needs time to make a decision about our marriage and that she will make it own her own without any influence from others (family mainly). Her counselor is on this "what do you think is best for you" kick and that really scares me. Although her counselor has a bachelor degree in Christianity, I 'm not convinced that she is floowing those principles. I know that I have drawn this out but it helps me think through things more clearly. I have hope and insiration from all of you and I just want o thank everyone again for all the encouragement.Corinthians 13:13 "There are three things that will endure---faith, hope, and love---and the greatest of these is love."GC

Congrats, gdc! The MB Fairy has promoted you to Member.I'm sorry about your predicament, but glad you are here with us. Keep on - sounds like you are doing a good job!------------------ Faith1"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'" Matt 15:28

W has made contingency plans to move out, but apparently has no immediate intention to leave. She no longer gives OM gifts or cards. We're beginning to communicate, though she still shuts down. She needs her space, and I've backed off quite a lot, which makes me feel very distant. There are occasional expressions of affection, and she's willing to accomodate but not desiring sex. I'm changing myself, dealing successfully with a lifetime of depression. I have hope for me, for her, and for our marriage. We are both in individual counselling, but according to her C she won't be ready for couples until mid to late August. I'm holding on until then. "Never give up! Never surrender!"SaltWater

Hang in there SaltWater!! The journey is long and has lots of potholes, but when you get to the paved road, the ride is much smoother!!Trueheart

Good question.W (WS) has been in her own place for 4 1/2 months now. We continue to talk and see each other every day. She has said that she will be coming home but needs more time to fix her. OM appears to be out of the picture except for the remaining emotional attachment I suppose. She has stayed at our house a couple of times recently and we even have done a couple of nights out of town. She has been nicer to me and has seemed to be better in general but it has been a long haul. She now talks about us and long-term plans...stuff she would never talk about before. I am optimistic that she and I will eventually get to counseling together and continue to move forward.How do I feel?That depends on the day and the time...This has been a difficult experience and the range of emotions has been unbelievable: sad, depressed, lonely, scared, hopeless, helpless, happy, strong, hopeful, optimistic, etc etc etcOne thing I know for sure is this has been a draining experience physically, mentally and emotionally and I would not wish it on anyone.At this point I have reason to be optimistic that we will get it together and move forward at some point.It is slow, but I think for both of us that's better than rushing things. There's lots of healing that's needed, but I think we can do it. I hope so...I see myself in so many newbie posts and hope for you that you can get to where I am where you are at least working at putting your life back together. It can be done and there is hope--even when it seems the darkest. This truly is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.My best to all...good luckE

H moved out June 4th, turned PA right around our anniversary (6/19). OW left 4-5 weeks ago and is coming back in September for 3 months.H is waffling back and forth, finally told me the truth about everything on Wednesday. Says he still loves me, but now even denies saying that. He starts counseling on Monday.I am now in plan B again and am working on making him set up a firm schedule to see the kids this time (via email).I feel used, abused, scared, low, horrible and just plain miserable. I feel like I don't deserve this, I feel like I don't even want my H back, I feel like he is just going to keep hurting me over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I hate the person he has become.

Well, wish I had a positive post...but I don't.H is getting more and more bizaare as the days go by. He is full of hate for me and I don't know what I have done to him to cause this.H filed for divorce and left it at sheriff's office. Told me about it when I got back from Europe in an email.The divorce papers he has filed leave me with very little.I am not able to retain or talk to my lawyer because he is on vacation until next week.H stayed with my mother(79) and very frail when I had specifically asked him not to come and put her in the middle of this situation.H, the second week I was gone brought his girlfriend here and brought my kids over to their motel room, went swimming together and then the next day took her and them on our boat for the day. H told my kids not to tell.I am feeling totally rejected. I can't believe he can be this cruel and heartless. He says that I have hurt him so badly---but he forgives me!!! I have no clue what for. As time goes by, this situation gets more and more bizaare. I have absolutely no feelings for him at this point. When he involved my kids with his mistress, he destroyed whatever was left of any feelings of love or hope of a reconciliation. I just want him out of our lives....but I will need financial support from him. My car broke down on the way to the airport--got a new thermostat, but now it won't start again. Desparately need a new one. H has promised for months to purchase one---guess that won't happen now. I don't know what to do at this point. Called lawyer's office---they can't see me until Wed of next week. I am getting notices these past few days of bills not being paid. Will he stoop that low? Why is he doing this---I have been there for him for so long. I have always been there for him. Foolish of me, wasn't it?

D-Day was June 24th (same as yours, gdc!) Married for two years (she is 20, I am 27) with no children.Since then, I have Plan A'd only about half the time. She has waffled STRONGLY and I've made the mistake of asking her to leave the house until she decides. She is back home now, and had strong feelings towards rebuilding our marriage, but her heart is still weak. When it comes to actually getting to it (counseling, praying, no-contact) she is still very shaky.I am encouraged by two things... first that she has a sincere desire to rebuild and reconcile. And second, that even if she finds herself unable to reconcile, my time alone has helped me prove to myself that I am not trapped forever. I can still be happy someday. With or without her. But happiness in either scenario will take time.I feel... strong.

GM, Didn't realize we share the same d-day. I guess that's one day that for us we'll soon forget, huh? You however Sir are in a much more favorable position than myself. My W has moved out of the house in with her parents and now is planning on getting her own apt. This is tough as the road will become that much longer when that happens. I suggest you do everything you can to aviod any LB's and start demonstarting change and meeting needs. I'm 33 and she 27, and we just celebrated (weel not really) our #3 year in marriage and this crap had to happen. I guess just like everyone else the most bizzarre thing about it is that we all thought that it would never happen to us and then BAM right on our heads w/o any warning. Total devastation emotionally. But like you GM, I have an optimistic attitude and believe that I will be better whatever the outcome. Have you talked with Steve yet? I did today and he really helped me. Anyway, keep us updated GM and I'll do the same! GC

I hate where my marriage is. We've been separated for 2 months but only married for 8. We are 1500 miles apart and haven't had any contact for over 3 weeks (not long, i know, but it's killing me).I love my H very much and I don't want my marriage to end. He can't file for divorce for another 4 months because of residency status. He continued with his plan of going back to school and will move in with a roommate in Aug. (fellow lab student-guy). So he has a lot to keep himself busy and keep his mind of things...especially me.As for me, i'm still staying at my parents and feel like a little kid. I'm in a rut that I can't seem to get out of. I'm not being very productive and don't have much to do to keep my mind off things. I need to find a job, but I don't want to do that because it would entail me moving to a new city. It makes me feel like i'm giving up any hope of my marriage surviving. However, as of now, i'm not doing anythings to prevent my marriage from succumbing to divorce. I feel as if i'm frozen and lost. I've never felt so hopeless about my future or more worried. I'm not one to depend on having a man in my life. I'm independent and know i will survive, although I sometimes wonder if I will regain my sense of worth.I have thought about moving closer to him in hopes that we can rebuild our R. But the more time goes by, the more confused I get. As of now, I sometimes think i'm just a faded memory for him. Someone he prefers to forget.How did things get so bad? It was just a few months ago that he told me he couldn't imagine life without me, but now he is living it.I don't feel as if i'm getting any better. I'm sure that it is just my mood today (and my hormones). I'm very close to tears today, and can't seem to snap out of it.Thanks for letting me vent... K

My H left me and the six kids 2.5 years ago, has been unemployed for 15 months, divorced me 7 months ago. He sees less and less of the kids as time goes on (for which he primarily blames the kids because they disturb the "atmosphere" in the OW's house). The oldest kids want nothing to do with him. A couple of months ago he chose to punish one of the younger ones who did something that annoyed him by cutting out planned time with him.This is a man who once put his family at the top of his priority list. This has certainly been educational. I have learned that you can't trust anyone, even someone you have known for a quarter of a century. There is no life after divorce - there is just going through the motions. Nothing means anything when you can't even trust a devoted parent to continue to love his child. You can never know when someone will turn on you. [This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited July 27, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by gdc: GM, Didn't realize we share the same d-day. I guess that's one day that for us we'll soon forget, huh? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Not for a long time =( unfortunately. Today, she asked me "Do I have to have every memory ripped from me?" when the OM deleted every email in their hotmail account. I told her "Honey, fortunatly for your, and unfortunately for me, every memory will not get ripped out." We will live with them for a long, long time.I hope your situation changes for the better, gc. I think it will. Just a week ago, I thought for sure that my wife would never come home. Now she has written a no-contact letter and she is in a terrible mood, so I am guessing she is sticking to it. You've only been married 3 years, I've only been married 2 - the memory of the love they had that convinced them to make the step to spend forever together is still relatively fresh in our wive's minds. Bring back those memories, and make new ones by becoming the biggest giver you can manage. The reward will be when she decides she was wrong and that you are the man she wants to be with. Email me, if you want to talk more =) aragorn747@aol.com

Well....where am I at? WH has been gone for 3 1/2 weeks now. Shows no signs of wanting to come back home. Even went so far as to come get the rest of his stuff out of the house.How do I feel? I feel....angry.....sad.....confused.....and thrown away. Most of all though....I feel like I'm in control now. I've finally gotten past all the above...for the time being and am ready to fight fire with fire. I will not be treated like trash....and I will not put up with anything anymore. This ol girl has had it. He will get what's coming to him in the long run....and I may....or may not be there to help him pick up the pieces. At this point I don't really think I can even be his friend.lol....too much info.....it's hormones runnin rampant! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

WH and I have been in recovery for about 2 months now. Things are going well, but (as there are always buts), we aren't able to spend a lot of time together because of his recent work hours. That should change within the next few weeks though, so we can get back on track.My doubts about him are becoming less and less prevailent, and my trust in him is increasing.As usual, "life" is getting in the way of things, but now that we know how to deal with things better, we're doing just that. The giver in me is out in full force now, and I"m receiving some reciprocation (even though H is exhausted from all the hours he's working). I've just made a pretty mega potential LB (which I posted about a few minutes ago), but aside from that, I'm controlling myself. It's really hard. My natural instinct is to lash out when I don't get my way.The kids are doing fantastic, H is being treated like a king (and I'm becoming the queen), and I am almost completely recovered from the miscarriage (I had what is hopefully my final blood test today).Karen

up... another stuck reply

Where am I?...lost9 year Anniversary May 16, D-Day May 19. H moved out 10 days later to 'think' (staying at him mom's). OW has been out of town since about this time also. H is not sure what he wants to do yet but will be coming hom Aug. 6 because his mom said he can't stay there anymore. I feel that if he REALLY didn't want to come home, he wouldn't. He also has spent 1-3 nights per week here at home while he was supposed to be 'gone' [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

. OW will also be back in town the first week in Aug. Pray for me!!! H has said that if things don't work out between him and me he would not want to jump into another relationship. (too late!) I think he is realizing that A happened because of problems in our M, and maybe he really doesn't want to be with OW, but that doesn't mean he still wants to be married to me either.I spoke with therapist who also has been seeing my H. Therapist said (a few times) that H coming home was a good sign. (OK, now I need to analize everything the therapist says because H has been speaking to him.) BUT...would the therapist lead me to believe that this is a 'good' thing if H was telling him that he wants to leave me???Anyway, like the rest of you, I have felt every emotion possible...hope..hopelessness..fear..anxiety..strength..fatigue..anger..amazement..lonliness..grief..numb! But right now I am feeling hope. We have a date tomorrow and in 9 days he will be home. I know things are going to get ugly here, I'm open for suggestions on how to deal with the stress.Heck

D-day, Jan 2nd.I'm not sure. My H is always home, I don't think there has been any contact since March. We talk more and went on a trip together. The intimacy is not where I would like it to be.There is no speaking of the A. Major LB for my H. I never speak of it. I don't cry in front of him anymore. He only tells me he loves me if I say it first.I'm going into withdrawal and I can't stop it. I'm starting to reevaluate whether I want to live like this or not.

Currently, my husband and I no longer directly communicate with each other, but through our lawyers or with the most rudimentary of notes sent by mail. He is hotly engaged in an EMA he does not know I have solid proof of. Our divorce is contentious, to say the least. H will do his best to prove me an unfit parent because I am bipolar (and stable through diligent treatment, I might add). He wants to "win" the child for his own ego, not what is best for him. He is a competitive, abusive, alcoholic who will go to extremes to prove he is not a "bad man."And how do I feel about this situation? I am scared chitless, and I am exhausted at putting up a brave front. I know he will not be awarded custody of our son, more than likely. He is doing everything he can to make this process as difficult on me as possible.Wake me when it's over, Nell [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

My husband and I "got back together" in March--he flew to the US and picked me up in Seattle in escort me back to Japan. My parents were so angry with me for leaving the life that I had worked so hard to build for myself and the little guy--we had been separated for almost a year. He was gone on a military deployment and while he was gone, I had decided to go to my hometown to visit and think things over--plan A had not worked for me in that he had finally discovered me for the first time and had decided to work hard to be me my friend and husband (I truly believe that I met all his needs; he said that I did.) But at the same time, he was also courting Miss Kitty, long distance, on the side. Along with several others--it was an opportunistic kind of thing. My husband is a Marine Corps officer and deploys a lot. He understands now that no one can resist such a handsome and suave guy with lots o' money. (Hey, GI, you buy me drink, me like you vely mush.) He is addicted to interactive pornography on the web. The fact that he lied and used so many bodies and naive hearts via the internet makes me sick (He told girls that he wasn't married to keep them hanging on to this Don Juan--he has been in contact with dozens. Yes, I know, a victimless crime. Right.)I couldn't take this anymore, but I loved him and was more than willing to work on and save this marriage if he would only admit to his wrongs and change his behaviors forever. I executed Plan B until I thought for certain that he would do this. I came back to Japan with him.My husband has defended his wrong-doings with the fact that our marriage has always been a powder keg. He has a horrid temper and goes off on frightening rages where he says anything he can to hurt me. For years, he would verbally and emotionally abuse me, 10% of the time, I would cry, 10% of the time, I would fight back, 80% of the time, I would just retreat into sullen silence and do my own thing. For six years, this went on. After the angry outbursts, when he calmed down, he would apologize and warm up to me again. Usually, I warmed up to him as well. The day I didn't, he started cheating.Thus has been the situation for the last 4 months, only worse. Now there has been infidelity. He shows no remorse. Sometimes, he admits to it, usually, he completely denies it. I have gone onto his computer (he has a spy-program on there to "catch" me doing stuff that I would never in a million years do, but I learned how to hack into it and catch him doing cybersex, ect. I have printed out a few of these from recent weeks.) I don't really have time to go into details about our life together, I am only giving you the bare facts and nothing more.I have done a couple of things to help myself. Three things. First, I decided to REALLY go to the Lord in prayer for help. Yes, I am a Christian and feel that Heavenly Father is with me in all I do, but I have not really asked for guidance other than a quick prayer for protection when my husband is being violent towards me (he has never hit me, but has destroyed things in our house and is beginning to shove and grab my clothing.) Up until this point, I have never feared him, but was shocked and broken-hearted by his actions.The next day, I was in the library across the street from the gym I work in and found myself staring a book that said "Borderline Personality Disorder." I picked it up and started reading. It described my husband: The rages, fluxuation in emotions, the blaming, the impulsive behavior, the desperate need to be loved, but at the same time, pushing his loved ones away, and especially, the projection. (By projection, I mean that he tries to get me to feel the same horrible emotions that he feels. He attributes the negative experiences and habits of his own self to me.) So many things. After reading this book, I felt a lot of compassion towards him, and I felt a desperate need to help him, even though I am emotionally drained of this relationship and beginning to feel the need to leave it forever.My husband is a intriguing, intelligent man. He does well at his job and is highly respected. However, he maintains some deep dark secrets that I feel have absolutely no place in a marriage. If they are disclosed, it would affect the rest of his life, socially and career-wise as well. But in order to remain in this marriage I feel that I must have a mutually-honest relationship.I went to counseling without my husband (he refuses to go)and was finally referred to Family Advocacy for domestic violence. My case is very "if-y." This is because there has been no real "violence." (This is strange: The other day, in one of his rages, he pulled a kitchen knife out of the drawer and dared me to kill him with it. Later, he reached out and shoved me, then yelled "Get your hands off me!"--this is what I mean by projecting his rages onto me.)I am told that my husband can only be helped if he voluntarily seeks help himself at this point. When he leaves our home, he looks and behaves as any other person in his position, so there is no "real problem." Also, my husband is a high-ranking Marine. There is some belief that this kind of stuff doesn't happen in the officer ranks, I guess. Oh, they believe me, alright, but at this point, they "can't do much." But at least, I have come forward and I feel very pro-active for doing this. It was not easy. In fact, it was horrifying.I also took measures to secure a full-time career--whatever happens next, I don't know. I am going back into the military myself. I must be crazy--I am 34 years old, and I have been a civilian for 2 years. I will lose my rank, and will probably get sent out to somewhere awful straight away, but what the heck. The recruiter didn't say "Why don't you think about this?" So I am not.How do I feel? Not one way or the other. My husband is--get this--currently being nice to me. Really nice. Week before last, he was screaming about how I was a useless, selfish little b****, telling me that he would take custody of out child because I am an unfit parent, that I was a loser and that no one else would ever have me. He told me that he was divorcing me and he would do everything he could do to destroy my reputation. (I just, seriously, laugh at this kind of talk now. I used to cry.) This week, he has been calling me from work for no reason, assisting me with housework (now that is a noteable event) and indulging my every whim (these are very few.) He doesn't want me to leave him now. I midly baited him the other day--I said "How is that divorce paperwork coming?" and he said "Huh?" I left him alone after that. Again, I really feel nothing. Not desparation--I have hope for the future for at least myself. I feel a little sadness, because I really wanted a happy marriage with a life partner who is also my best friend, that is the ideal. But it doesn't always work that way, that is evident by the vast activity on this board. I will stand by him and try to help him in any way I can if he is willing to help himself--until that day comes, I am taking care of myself and my children. Anyways, that's what's up, in simple terms.[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited July 28, 2001).]

I just lost a long post. It's that kind of day. I will have been married 7 years on 07/30/01. My wife and I seperated on 06/28/01. We sold our house and she bought one on her own. She pursued the separation with with real focus. She has denied an affair; I'm sure one is ongoing. She said when we split that she wanted to be "good friends". Sigh. So we have talked almost daily, sometimes several times a day since the split. Plan a has made some progress for me. However, this is where we are.. I stopped by her house today, I had picked up some painting supplies for her. She says "Why are you distant and cold"? I said that I was sad over the loss of everything that gave my life meaning and value;her, the kids, house, love . She says, " I am not responsible for your feelings. I was hanging out painting, and you came and ruined my day"! Ok- ruined life vs ruined day??? I said that she's fixin' up her house,seems to me she plans to stay there, if there's no love here and we're moving on with our lives we should file. ( very dangerous) She says she's not saying that. She did give me a peck on the cheek when I left. Says I'm a wonderful man, great dad, great body [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

, so then the problem is what??? This is where we are. God's blessings on all of us here. She did say she has been miserable and unhappy since moving out.[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited July 28, 2001).]

I have been divorced for almost 4 yrs after 29 yr marriage. Ex still lives with OW. It has taken almost 3 1/2 yrs for us to get the anger wall down and communicate- we have four children, and the last one just graduated from high school. I don't expect to have many further dealings with him since all the kids now live out of state. It has taken a long time for me to recover from the divorce because it was unwanted on my part. I gave it a good fight, but the OW won.

D-Day was May 12th. Wife and I never split up. To my knowledge she has had no contact, or very little since dday, although we do see the OM around town. My problem is that W won't commit to much of anything, and I have been thinking of growing a backbone. I am sick of being treated as if the world revolves only around W and what she wants. Sick of being trampled on. My feelings DO MATTER damnit. My wife is a school teacher. She met, and got to know OM thoughout the past school year. When school let out for the summer it made it difficult for them to see each other. With school about to resume(less than a month here) I fear she will resume contact. In truth I think she may have already started seeing him again. The sad part is that I am starting not to care. Starting to think WTF, I don't know you any more. Go to your precious OM. I know I have not really posted my story. Felt that it was so similar to so many others why post it on MB. The short of it is that I have been/am what many here would consider a lucky person, in that my wife never left me, nor I her. But the truth of it is that my wife is truly an alien still. I don't know! Damn, I wish I could see the future before it happened sometimes, because I NEVER want to feel like I did the first couple of months after I found out about the A. And I am not sure I wouldn't feel that way if I wash my hands of my marriage. (Easy with any flames. NOBODY wants their mariage to work more than I) Jerry[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited July 29, 2001).]

On the road to recovery. Each day finds zorweb and I a bit further down the road. We have come far, we have far yet to go.One of the reasons to keep reading and posting here is the wealth of information we get. Hopefully the same that we are putting back in.To paraphrase Winston Churchill: Never have so many, owed so much, to so many.Like any family, MB has its family feuds. But in the main: if you seek to recover your marriage, or want to improve a rocky or neglected marriage, this is by far the best place to be.Godspeed, STL

Hmmm, well we will be three years past d-day next month. H is home, he never left (this time). In many ways our marriage is better than ever. BUT in many ways it isn't. I am still afraid he will do it again. And I still have dreams (but not as often) I hate the dreams ! I wake up crying and it takes several minutes for my head to convince my heart that it was only a dream. But now when it comes up which is rare but it does happen. I try to keep any comment based in fact not emotion. Let's face it this happened, it is a part of our history together. I can no more forget it than I can forget my name. But I have forgiven him (even though I am still afraid he will hurt me again, which is very confusing to me) and hope that one day I will be able to trust him without that nagging fear in the back of my mind.

D-Day was May 11th. Both my husband's and my reactions to this (he the WS) have been opposite from what I would have predicted. He has been open and tender and remorseful and supportive and patient. I have been forgiving and (mostly) calm and level-headed.We are the lucky ones. We have both seen that we have dodged a bullet. Contact stopped almost immediately (she has continued to call him so he cancelled his mobile phone and tagged on to my minutes so that I see the bill for all his calls) and he informed her in front of me that everything he told her was a lie and that he loves me. I have had an opportunity to try to make up for the weaknesses on my part that helped contribute to the affair. He has had a chance to see that I love him and will not turn on him.I am having to deal with my own wandering mind. Usually I am okay and truly happy. And I have no anger. But my mind does wander. I feel this is unfair to him. He has answered every question I have asked has said that we will talk about this until I no longer need to. I just need help in putting it behind me. I envy those who are able to put things in little mental "drawers" and not take them out and look at them. To me it is all more like a laundry hamper, and all the dirty clothes are jumbled together. Do I just have to literally bite my tongue? How do you stop TALKING about the damnable thing? Any suggestions?Otherwise, I feel great. I have a marriage that has been blessed with passing through a dark time and come out with an internal light not existent before. We will be together for all the days we are on this earth. I feel blessed.

*whew.....my eyes hurt and so does my heart. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

many many negative responses. i KNOW there are success stories out there.but the truth remains that our marraiges are NEVER the same. no one trusts blindly again, nor do they want to. the road of marraige after an affair is full of potholes. some we avoid some we hit. not much we can do im thinkin.my marriage sucks. no if ands or butts about it. we dont marraige build.....wait....not we......I marriage ubild he still sulks. im losing compassion here. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

my kids are in emotional funk. i see their behavior reflect what is in the home. discontention, anger, hate, verbal smattering. meanness, harshness, smartassness. you n ame it. i hate it.they say divorce is terrible for kids, but i think living in hell is worse. if only i knew yesterday, what i know today....mercy

Ex's affair started in 9/99. He moved out the day I discovered it (12/23/99). I went thru the typical up and down periods. We are now divorced and he is still with the OW. Hey! They're both alcoholics so they do have something in common! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I am so much better than I was when I was married!! I was physically abused the entire 10 1/2 yrs we were married. Now, I don't have to worry about that. I have a good job that I love. I have also been promoted 2x in just a little over a year. My 3 sons and I are doing fine.As for how I feel....somedays, I feel a little overwhelmed! I have a high stress job, 3 kids to care for and a home to take care of. It's definately not easy for single moms! Plus my ex doesn't see the kids but maybe 2 times a year so he's no help at all. Somedays, I still get angry and wish I had my old life back, but it's not really what I want. I just get tired! But I do manage somewhat. Things could be a little better but I am hoping that that will happen soon. Mitzi [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

OK, I'll weigh in on this:M 20+ years, spent 5 months remodeling a new house, moved in May 1, on May 18 H moved out. No word, NO clue, NO discussion. All keys to house, my car, po box etc. lined up on TV, along w/note that said, "I don't want to be M anymore, d. papers in mailbox" - he did move in w/OW, but we never had "D-Day" - he doens't know I know about her.We have had NO contact, except for 1 quick phone call 6 days after he left bec. his son said he should...so he called. Can't Plan B, cuase HE left. I try to Plan A, but don't know if he's getting my mail (2 letters so far), or if she is, since there is NO feedback.How do I feel? This is SO depressing....I know I messed up my M, I know I let my H feel "neglected" - but this rejection is WORSE than any neglect I ever inflicted on him...and the TOTAL lack of concern for my feelings and discussion about wanting to communicate or work on M is very difficult to take. I want to just end it - get the da*n D and be done with it forever, maybe then the hurt would fade.Most days (now) I am able to function in the "real world" - but then every once in awhile, I just want to ball up into a fetal position, and pull the covers over my head and forget the day I was born. I wonder HOW he can even look himself in the mirror or "be happy" w/OW?Also, I get scared that with each passing day that goes by, it makes it easier for him to stay away, and I prefer him to, rather than face this and "fix" it.I know this is all TOTALLy against what MB teaches, but you aasked how I felt, and that is how I honestly feel.Lupo

I am D now for 2+ mos. I've been a Plan B girlie for 9+ mos but I slipped off the Plan B bus just this last week.My H is still with the abusively natured OW, altho they don't live together. I see OC #2 frequently, I'm fortunate to have the opportunity to be in his life. I'm struggling with the idea I may need to slowly cut back on my week-ends with him, as it is causing trouble and angering my H. I'm still thinking.How do I feel? I am so tired. I'm exhausted from getting up every morning and pretending everything is normal and I feel great. I'm tired of thinking about anything to do with infidelity. I'm tired of trying to figure out why this happened and what I can do to make everyone okay with it, including myself. I also feel discarded, easily replaced, cheated out of a family, manipulated and a bit untrusting. And then there's the frustration from hearing revisionist history (Fueled with blame) from H that infuriates me to pieces. I guess I just feel all around emotionally abused and I feel mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself. I feel like I want to hide in my house so no one will ever hurt me this bad again. I feel like I don't want to FEEL anything ever again.Yikes .. this sounds terribly negative. I'm sure this reflects my recent encounter with the Mothership's resident musician, MY H.Jo[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 29, 2001).]

A positive story here! WOW scared to see all of the people still on the rocky road to recovery and those who ended in divorce. Well, it has been 41/2 months now and we are doing great. We are spending lots of time together, dealing with issues as they come and finding a happy median to those issues. Everything is great except for the triggers that sometimes jump into my head. I feel sometimes like I am in a fairy tale. Right now I am in the process of trying to write a letter to my WH. I posted it on here and have asked for imput. MY biggest problem now is I have fallen head over heals for my husband. And I am starting to get terrified of being hurt again...i do not think I could handle it and I know if he has an A again I am gone!!!

Mercy said, <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>they say divorce is terrible for kids, but i think living in hell is worse.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>What makes you believe that life after divorce is not living in Hell?I too have a lots of kids (6, though more spread out in age than yours) - and there is NOTHING worse than trying to raise a large family by yourself. Of course it doesn't help any that their father sees little of them and takes virtually no responsibility for them, except for the small amount of child support he is required to pay since he lost his high paying job over a year ago.