WH and I have been in recovery for about 2 months now. Things are going well, but (as there are always buts), we aren't able to spend a lot of time together because of his recent work hours. That should change within the next few weeks though, so we can get back on track.<P>My doubts about him are becoming less and less prevailent, and my trust in him is increasing.<P>As usual, "life" is getting in the way of things, but now that we know how to deal with things better, we're doing just that. The giver in me is out in full force now, and I"m receiving some reciprocation (even though H is exhausted from all the hours he's working). <P>I've just made a pretty mega potential LB (which I posted about a few minutes ago), but aside from that, I'm controlling myself. It's really hard. My natural instinct is to lash out when I don't get my way.<P>The kids are doing fantastic, H is being treated like a king (and I'm becoming the queen), and I am almost completely recovered from the miscarriage (I had what is hopefully my final blood test today).<P>Karen<BR>

up... another stuck reply

Where am I?...lost<P>9 year Anniversary May 16, D-Day May 19. H moved out 10 days later to 'think' (staying at him mom's). OW has been out of town since about this time also. H is not sure what he wants to do yet but will be coming hom Aug. 6 because his mom said he can't stay there anymore. I feel that if he REALLY didn't want to come home, he wouldn't. He also has spent 1-3 nights per week here at home while he was supposed to be 'gone' . OW will also be back in town the first week in Aug. Pray for me!!! H has said that if things don't work out between him and me he would not want to jump into another relationship. (too late!) I think he is realizing that A happened because of problems in our M, and maybe he really doesn't want to be with OW, but that doesn't mean he still wants to be married to me either.<P>I spoke with therapist who also has been seeing my H. Therapist said (a few times) that H coming home was a good sign. (OK, now I need to analize everything the therapist says because H has been speaking to him.) BUT...would the therapist lead me to believe that this is a 'good' thing if H was telling him that he wants to leave me???<P>Anyway, like the rest of you, I have felt every emotion possible...hope..hopelessness..fear..anxiety..strength..fatigue..anger..amazement..lonliness..grief..numb! But right now I am feeling hope. We have a date tomorrow and in 9 days he will be home. I know things are going to get ugly here, I'm open for suggestions on how to deal with the stress.<P>Heck

D-day, Jan 2nd.<P>I'm not sure. My H is always home, I don't think there has been any contact since March. We talk more and went on a trip together. The intimacy is not where I would like it to be.<P>There is no speaking of the A. Major LB for my H. I never speak of it. I don't cry in front of him anymore. He only tells me he loves me if I say it first.<P>I'm going into withdrawal and I can't stop it. I'm starting to reevaluate whether I want to live like this or not.

Currently, my husband and I no longer directly communicate with each other, but through our lawyers or with the most rudimentary of notes sent by mail. He is hotly engaged in an EMA he does not know I have solid proof of. Our divorce is contentious, to say the least. H will do his best to prove me an unfit parent because I am bipolar (and stable through diligent treatment, I might add). He wants to "win" the child for his own ego, not what is best for him. He is a competitive, abusive, alcoholic who will go to extremes to prove he is not a "bad man."<P>And how do I feel about this situation? I am scared chitless, and I am exhausted at putting up a brave front. I know he will not be awarded custody of our son, more than likely. He is doing everything he can to make this process as difficult on me as possible.<P>Wake me when it's over,<BR>Nell

My husband and I "got back together" in March--he flew to the US and picked me up in Seattle in escort me back to Japan. My parents were so angry with me for leaving the life that I had worked so hard to build for myself and the little guy--we had been separated for almost a year. He was gone on a military deployment and while he was gone, I had decided to go to my hometown to visit and think things over--plan A had not worked for me in that he had finally discovered me for the first time and had decided to work hard to be me my friend and husband (I truly believe that I met all his needs; he said that I did.) But at the same time, he was also courting Miss Kitty, long distance, on the side. Along with several others--it was an opportunistic kind of thing. My husband is a Marine Corps officer and deploys a lot. He understands now that no one can resist such a handsome and suave guy with lots o' money. (Hey, GI, you buy me drink, me like you vely mush.) He is addicted to interactive pornography on the web. The fact that he lied and used so many bodies and naive hearts via the internet makes me sick (He told girls that he wasn't married to keep them hanging on to this Don Juan--he has been in contact with dozens. Yes, I know, a victimless crime. Right.)<P>I couldn't take this anymore, but I loved him and was more than willing to work on and save this marriage if he would only admit to his wrongs and change his behaviors forever. I executed Plan B until I thought for certain that he would do this. I came back to Japan with him.<P>My husband has defended his wrong-doings with the fact that our marriage has always been a powder keg. He has a horrid temper and goes off on frightening rages where he says anything he can to hurt me. For years, he would verbally and emotionally abuse me, 10% of the time, I would cry, 10% of the time, I would fight back, 80% of the time, I would just retreat into sullen silence and do my own thing. For six years, this went on. After the angry outbursts, when he calmed down, he would apologize and warm up to me again. Usually, I warmed up to him as well. The day I didn't, he started cheating.<P>Thus has been the situation for the last 4 months, only worse. Now there has been infidelity. He shows no remorse. Sometimes, he admits to it, usually, he completely denies it. I have gone onto his computer (he has a spy-program on there to "catch" me doing stuff that I would never in a million years do, but I learned how to hack into it and catch him doing cybersex, ect. I have printed out a few of these from recent weeks.) I don't really have time to go into details about our life together, I am only giving you the bare facts and nothing more.<P>I have done a couple of things to help myself. Three things. First, I decided to REALLY go to the Lord in prayer for help. Yes, I am a Christian and feel that Heavenly Father is with me in all I do, but I have not really asked for guidance other than a quick prayer for protection when my husband is being violent towards me (he has never hit me, but has destroyed things in our house and is beginning to shove and grab my clothing.) Up until this point, I have never feared him, but was shocked and broken-hearted by his actions.<P>The next day, I was in the library across the street from the gym I work in and found myself staring a book that said "Borderline Personality Disorder." I picked it up and started reading. It described my husband: The rages, fluxuation in emotions, the blaming, the impulsive behavior, the desperate need to be loved, but at the same time, pushing his loved ones away, and especially, the projection. (By projection, I mean that he tries to get me to feel the same horrible emotions that he feels. He attributes the negative experiences and habits of his own self to me.) So many things. After reading this book, I felt a lot of compassion towards him, and I felt a desperate need to help him, even though I am emotionally drained of this relationship and beginning to feel the need to leave it forever.<P>My husband is a intriguing, intelligent man. He does well at his job and is highly respected. However, he maintains some deep dark secrets that I feel have absolutely no place in a marriage. If they are disclosed, it would affect the rest of his life, socially and career-wise as well. But in order to remain in this marriage I feel that I must have a mutually-honest relationship.<P>I went to counseling without my husband (he refuses to go)and was finally referred to Family Advocacy for domestic violence. My case is very "if-y." This is because there has been no real "violence." (This is strange: The other day, in one of his rages, he pulled a kitchen knife out of the drawer and dared me to kill him with it. Later, he reached out and shoved me, then yelled "Get your hands off me!"--this is what I mean by projecting his rages onto me.)I am told that my husband can only be helped if he voluntarily seeks help himself at this point. When he leaves our home, he looks and behaves as any other person in his position, so there is no "real problem." Also, my husband is a high-ranking Marine. There is some belief that this kind of stuff doesn't happen in the officer ranks, I guess. Oh, they believe me, alright, but at this point, they "can't do much." But at least, I have come forward and I feel very pro-active for doing this. It was not easy. In fact, it was horrifying.<P>I also took measures to secure a full-time career--whatever happens next, I don't know. I am going back into the military myself. I must be crazy--I am 34 years old, and I have been a civilian for 2 years. I will lose my rank, and will probably get sent out to somewhere awful straight away, but what the heck. The recruiter didn't say "Why don't you think about this?" So I am not.<P>How do I feel? Not one way or the other. My husband is--get this--currently being nice to me. Really nice. Week before last, he was screaming about how I was a useless, selfish little b****, telling me that he would take custody of out child because I am an unfit parent, that I was a loser and that no one else would ever have me. He told me that he was divorcing me and he would do everything he could do to destroy my reputation. (I just, seriously, laugh at this kind of talk now. I used to cry.) This week, he has been calling me from work for no reason, assisting me with housework (now that is a noteable event) and indulging my every whim (these are very few.) He doesn't want me to leave him now. I midly baited him the other day--I said "How is that divorce paperwork coming?" and he said "Huh?" I left him alone after that. <P>Again, I really feel nothing. Not desparation--I have hope for the future for at least myself. I feel a little sadness, because I really wanted a happy marriage with a life partner who is also my best friend, that is the ideal. But it doesn't always work that way, that is evident by the vast activity on this board. I will stand by him and try to help him in any way I can if he is willing to help himself--until that day comes, I am taking care of myself and my children. Anyways, that's what's up, in simple terms.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited July 28, 2001).]

I just lost a long post. It's that kind of day.<P> I will have been married 7 years on 07/30/01. My wife and I seperated on 06/28/01. We sold our house and she bought one on her own. She pursued the separation with with real focus. She has denied an affair; I'm sure one is ongoing.<P> She said when we split that she wanted to be "good friends". Sigh. So we have talked almost daily, sometimes several times a day since the split. Plan a has made some progress for me. However, this is where we are..<BR> <BR> I stopped by her house today, I had picked up some painting supplies for her. She says "Why are you distant and cold"? I said that I was sad over the loss of everything that gave my life meaning and value;her, the kids, house, love . <P> She says, " I am not responsible for your feelings. I was hanging out painting, and you came and ruined my day"!<P> Ok- ruined life vs ruined day???<BR> <BR> I said that she's fixin' up her house,seems to me she plans to stay there, if there's no love here and we're moving on with our lives we should file. ( very dangerous)<BR>She says she's not saying that.<P> She did give me a peck on the cheek when I left. Says I'm a wonderful man, great dad, great body , so then the problem is what???<P> This is where we are.<BR> God's blessings on all of us here.<P> <BR> She did say she has been miserable and unhappy since moving out.<p>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited July 28, 2001).]

I have been divorced for almost 4 yrs after 29 yr marriage. Ex still lives with OW. It has taken almost 3 1/2 yrs for us to get the anger wall down and communicate- we have four children, and the last one just graduated from high school. I don't expect to have many further dealings with him since all the kids now live out of state.<BR>It has taken a long time for me to recover from the divorce because it was unwanted on my part. I gave it a good fight, but the OW won.

D-Day was May 12th. Wife and I never split up. To my knowledge she has had no contact, or very little since dday, although we do see the OM around town. <P> My problem is that W won't commit to much of anything, and I have been thinking of growing a backbone. I am sick of being treated as if the world revolves only around W and what she wants. Sick of being trampled on. My feelings DO MATTER damnit. <P> My wife is a school teacher. She met, and got to know OM thoughout the past school year. When school let out for the summer it made it difficult for them to see each other. With school about to resume(less than a month here) I fear she will resume contact. In truth I think she may have already started seeing him again.<P> The sad part is that I am starting not to care. Starting to think WTF, I don't know you any more. Go to your precious OM. <P> I know I have not really posted my story. Felt that it was so similar to so many others why post it on MB. The short of it is that I have been/am what many here would consider a lucky person, in that my wife never left me, nor I her. But the truth of it is that my wife is truly an alien still. <P> I don't know! Damn, I wish I could see the future before it happened sometimes, because I NEVER want to feel like I did the first couple of months after I found out about the A. And I am not sure I wouldn't feel that way if I wash my hands of my marriage. (Easy with any flames. NOBODY wants their mariage to work more than I)<P> Jerry<p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited July 29, 2001).]

On the road to recovery. Each day finds zorweb and I a bit further down the road. We have come far, we have far yet to go.<P>One of the reasons to keep reading and posting here is the wealth of information we get. Hopefully the same that we are putting back in.<P>To paraphrase Winston Churchill: Never have so many, owed so much, to so many.<P>Like any family, MB has its family feuds. But in the main: if you seek to recover your marriage, or want to improve a rocky or neglected marriage, this is by far the best place to be.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Hmmm, well we will be three years past d-day next month. H is home, he never left (this time). <P>In many ways our marriage is better than ever. BUT in many ways it isn't. I am still afraid he will do it again. And I still have dreams (but not as often) I hate the dreams ! I wake up crying and it takes several minutes for my head to convince my heart that it was only a dream. But now when it comes up which is rare but it does happen. I try to keep any comment based in fact not emotion. Let's face it this happened, it is a part of our history together. I can no more forget it than I can forget my name. But I have forgiven him (even though I am still afraid he will hurt me again, which is very confusing to me) and hope that one day I will be able to trust him without that nagging fear in the back of my mind.

D-Day was May 11th. Both my husband's and my reactions to this (he the WS) have been opposite from what I would have predicted. He has been open and tender and remorseful and supportive and patient. I have been forgiving and (mostly) calm and level-headed.<P>We are the lucky ones. We have both seen that we have dodged a bullet. Contact stopped almost immediately (she has continued to call him so he cancelled his mobile phone and tagged on to my minutes so that I see the bill for all his calls) and he informed her in front of me that everything he told her was a lie and that he loves me. I have had an opportunity to try to make up for the weaknesses on my part that helped contribute to the affair. He has had a chance to see that I love him and will not turn on him.<P>I am having to deal with my own wandering mind. Usually I am okay and truly happy. And I have no anger. But my mind does wander. I feel this is unfair to him. He has answered every question I have asked has said that we will talk about this until I no longer need to. I just need help in putting it behind me. I envy those who are able to put things in little mental "drawers" and not take them out and look at them. To me it is all more like a laundry hamper, and all the dirty clothes are jumbled together. Do I just have to literally bite my tongue? How do you stop TALKING about the damnable thing? Any suggestions?<P>Otherwise, I feel great. I have a marriage that has been blessed with passing through a dark time and come out with an internal light not existent before. We will be together for all the days we are on this earth. I feel blessed.

*whew.....my eyes hurt and so does my heart. <P>many many negative responses. i KNOW there are success stories out there.<P>but the truth remains that our marraiges are NEVER the same. no one trusts blindly again, nor do they want to. the road of marraige after an affair is full of potholes. some we avoid some we hit. not much we can do im thinkin.<P>my marriage sucks. no if ands or butts about it. we dont marraige build.....wait....not we......I marriage ubild he still sulks. im losing compassion here. <P>my kids are in emotional funk. i see their behavior reflect what is in the home. discontention, anger, hate, verbal smattering. meanness, harshness, smartassness. you n ame it. i hate it.<P>they say divorce is terrible for kids, but i think living in hell is worse. <P>if only i knew yesterday, what i know today....<P>mercy

Ex's affair started in 9/99. He moved out the day I discovered it (12/23/99). I went thru the typical up and down periods. We are now divorced and he is still with the OW. Hey! They're both alcoholics so they do have something in common! <P>I am so much better than I was when I was married!! I was physically abused the entire 10 1/2 yrs we were married. Now, I don't have to worry about that. <P>I have a good job that I love. I have also been promoted 2x in just a little over a year. My 3 sons and I are doing fine.<P>As for how I feel....somedays, I feel a little overwhelmed! I have a high stress job, 3 kids to care for and a home to take care of. It's definately not easy for single moms! Plus my ex doesn't see the kids but maybe 2 times a year so he's no help at all. Somedays, I still get angry and wish I had my old life back, but it's not really what I want. I just get tired! But I do manage somewhat. Things could be a little better but I am hoping that that will happen soon. <P>Mitzi

OK, I'll weigh in on this:<P>M 20+ years, spent 5 months remodeling a new house, moved in May 1, on May 18 H moved out. No word, NO clue, NO discussion. All keys to house, my car, po box etc. lined up on TV, along w/note that said, "I don't want to be M anymore, d. papers in mailbox" - he did move in w/OW, but we never had "D-Day" - he doens't know I know about her.<P>We have had NO contact, except for 1 quick phone call 6 days after he left bec. his son said he should...so he called. <P>Can't Plan B, cuase HE left. I try to Plan A, but don't know if he's getting my mail (2 letters so far), or if she is, since there is NO feedback.<P>How do I feel? This is SO depressing....I know I messed up my M, I know I let my H feel "neglected" - but this rejection is WORSE than any neglect I ever inflicted on him...and the TOTAL lack of concern for my feelings and discussion about wanting to communicate or work on M is very difficult to take. I want to just end it - get the da*n D and be done with it forever, maybe then the hurt would fade.<P>Most days (now) I am able to function in the "real world" - but then every once in awhile, I just want to ball up into a fetal position, and pull the covers over my head and forget the day I was born. I wonder HOW he can even look himself in the mirror or "be happy" w/OW?<P>Also, I get scared that with each passing day that goes by, it makes it easier for him to stay away, and I prefer him to, rather than face this and "fix" it.<P>I know this is all TOTALLy against what MB teaches, but you aasked how I felt, and that is how I honestly feel.<P>Lupo

I am D now for 2+ mos. I've been a Plan B girlie for 9+ mos but I slipped off the Plan B bus just this last week.<P>My H is still with the abusively natured OW, altho they don't live together. I see OC #2 frequently, I'm fortunate to have the opportunity to be in his life. I'm struggling with the idea I may need to slowly cut back on my week-ends with him, as it is causing trouble and angering my H. I'm still thinking.<P>How do I feel? I am so tired. I'm exhausted from getting up every morning and pretending everything is normal and I feel great. I'm tired of thinking about anything to do with infidelity. I'm tired of trying to figure out why this happened and what I can do to make everyone okay with it, including myself. <P>I also feel discarded, easily replaced, cheated out of a family, manipulated and a bit untrusting. And then there's the frustration from hearing revisionist history (Fueled with blame) from H that infuriates me to pieces. I guess I just feel all around emotionally abused and I feel mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself. I feel like I want to hide in my house so no one will ever hurt me this bad again. I feel like I don't want to FEEL anything ever again.<P>Yikes .. this sounds terribly negative. I'm sure this reflects my recent encounter with the Mothership's resident musician, MY H.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited July 29, 2001).]

A positive story here! WOW scared to see all of the people still on the rocky road to recovery and those who ended in divorce. <P>Well, it has been 41/2 months now and we are doing great. We are spending lots of time together, dealing with issues as they come and finding a happy median to those issues. Everything is great except for the triggers that sometimes jump into my head. I feel sometimes like I am in a fairy tale. <P>Right now I am in the process of trying to write a letter to my WH. I posted it on here and have asked for imput. MY biggest problem now is I have fallen head over heals for my husband. And I am starting to get terrified of being hurt again...i do not think I could handle it and I know if he has an A again I am gone!!!

Mercy said,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>they say divorce is terrible for kids, but i think living in hell is worse.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What makes you believe that life after divorce is not living in Hell?<P>I too have a lots of kids (6, though more spread out in age than yours) - and there is NOTHING worse than trying to raise a large family by yourself. Of course it doesn't help any that their father sees little of them and takes virtually no responsibility for them, except for the small amount of child support he is required to pay since he lost his high paying job over a year ago. <BR>