Marriage Builders
I was reading an article about Bob Geldorf the rock musician whose domestic affairs are sine qua non when it comes to infidelity. The story has been widely publicised and you probably all know about it. His w left him Aand his 3 children this is his description of his feelings at the time that this happened.<p> This thing is so extreme,the level of tragedy is almost Shakespearean and thats not being grandiose.There is anger and the anger is that it is happening at all. I sound very rational now ,but if you imagine in the absolute nightmare of this ,in the pit of despair it is utter bewilderment at these events over which you have no control,you are utterly powerless which is the worsr sort of impotence for a human.You get very depressed when you are powerless
It wasnt simply this powerlessness over events but a terrifying incapacity.The physical effect was weird.Anger doesnt enter into it .The enormity of the lossis so great To have love withdrawn is so enormous..I describe it as universes of emptiness oceans of grief,deserts of loss. It is just so vast . <p> He does however say that after about 18 months it suddenly one day got better the depression left him quite suddenly so there is a light at the end of the tunnel (I hope).<p> I am trying to take my h through the various stages of the aftermath of discovery because I am sure he thinks I am exaggerating the experience .I would really appreciate it if any one could bring themselves to describe the experience as it was them.There is no way that any one who has not been through this could possibly describe how it feels .
H2O - as you well state, the betrayals we experienced cannot be adequately described to someone who has not experienced it themselves.

I propose that we are forced with trying to describe it relative to other experiences that can be more vividly imagined.<p>For me, the betrayal came less than a year after the loss of my 8 year old son to cancer.<p>I can say without hesitation that the betrayal was a far, far worse experience than the loss of my son. Particularly so because it involved someone who was close to my family and was well aware of the pain we were already suffering.<p>[ November 02, 2001: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>
There is only one emotion/condition that God did not equip us to handle - rejection. That is why this site is filled with people who are devastated and at a loss.
WAT,<p>I'm sitting here, reading your words as though their cruel truth hides behind their bitter sharp blackness.<p>That's a terrible burden for any man to shoulder and a pain nobody should be required to suffer, especially when it's inflicted by the hands of a wife.<p>WAT, my respect to you and my wish that you find peace within. You are a finer man than I could ever wish to be.<p>take care,<p>- Freddy
H2O,<p>Acute pain (physical and emotional)
Feelings of self worthlessness
Burning fury
Extreme jealousy
Pure, unadulterated hatred
Deep feeling of self blame
Thoughts of unspeakable acts
Total loss of self-control
Bouts of uncontrollable sobbing like never before (not when my GrandM died, not when my F died, NEVER)
Feelings of abandonment by a best friend, a spouse, God
Regret for not making the necessary changes in oneself earlier<p>
Those are some of the feelings that I'VE felt. Take each one of them and elevate them to the MOST EXTREME level of -est and it is barely adequate.<p>Hope this helps,
K
Dear Worthatry,<p>I am so sorry for the loss of your son, what a terrible experience you have gone though with the loss and the A on top of it. <p>I can understand your feelings a bit though vis a vis the A being more difficult to bear than the death of your son. Sometime ago I read an article about divorce and how a divorce was much harder to get through than the death of a spouse. Death is a natural separation whereas divorce is a chosen one. When a death occurs it is painful and sad, you mourn the loss of your loved one but when a separation/divorce comes about it`s because your spouse has CHOSEN to be separated/divorced from you. You are not only dealing with the loss but with the sense of rejection as well. A double whammy.<p>An A in my mind is like a divorce, maybe not in the legal sense but certainly in an emotional one. Your heart has been rejected. I know this feeling. I have never experienced the death of a spouse or a child so maybe I am just blowing hot air here but I think that maybe I do understand why the A was harder on you than the loss of your child. <p>I hope you will be able to make peace with your spouse, you both have suffered a terrible loss and grief can make people do some extreme things inorder to soothe their pain a bit. I am sending you good thoughts. <p>Dear H2O,<p>This might seem like horrible sentiments here but this is really the way I felt at the time of confirmation of my H`s A, and please bear in mind I don`t feel this way anymore but I did for a while. <p>I thought that the marriage was over. I actually thought to myself that if the marriage were to end that it would have been preferable for one of us to have dropped dead rather than to have gone through this. If he had died then I would have never known about his A or his rejection of my heart. The marriage would have been finished but I would at least would have thought that although our marriage wasn`t perfect that he did in fact love me. When I found out about the A I thought he didn`t love me, never did. I thought that he actually hated me and had set out to destroy me. If I had been the one who died then of course I would have never known about the A. That is the depth of my feelings about his onenight A. ONENIGHT, I know alot of people here are dealing with extended A`s. I cannot even fathom the pain that must cause. I admire everyone here who is able to deal with extended A`s and are trying to work through them.<p>An A is the ultimate act of betrayal, you destroy someone who you supposedly love. I am assuming here that WS`s did in fact love their spouses at one point or they wouldn`t have married them. It is a very scary thought for a BS to realise that someone who at some point did love them could end up doing the absolute worst thing imaginable to someone they had loved. <p>Since being here on MB, I have seen the other side of the story and my feelings about my H`s A have changed. It didn`t happen overnight though. I don`t think anyone who hasn`t experienced this kind of betrayal could ever understand. I think it`s just about the most painful experience you can live through. The best thing we BS`s can do is to try to understand the WS. They didn`t commit this drastic act on a whim.
H2O
The revelation of an affair was literally like a blow in the chest. I lost my ability to breathe and not only had chest pain, but it was like a hole--emptiness in my chest. My mind went reeling and I wasn't able to think clearly for awhile. I saw my whole life being destroyed. I felt it would have been better to have been shot and died. I felt like I was garbage that he could just replace me so. I felt worthless, beaten, so LOST. I was powerless, unable to make sense of anything and when I found out it was during the aftermath of the fire in our house when he didn't come home for a full month later, while I was having to deal with the insurance, the plumbing, the cleaning, and the nightmares the kids were having on top of the 2nd degree burns up my right arm that he was out screwing this LESBIAN I really just thought of death constantly. That told me that not only he didn't think anything of me, but even our precious kids didn't take precidence over his selfishness and the OW. It was totally devastating. The only things that got me through it were my kids and my Faith in God--that there is a reason for everything and God will work things out to his glory even if we can't understand it at the time.
Even so, I went right to the Dr. and got on antidepressants and tested for all the STDs. BTW
he got the bill this week....over $400 and the insurance only paid $40. He didn't say much. (Infideltiy is costly in more ways than one.)<p>WAT I am so sorry about your son. I can only imagine what it is like to lose a child.
Mikkey
This is an interesting thread - to hear and understand how people deal with these feelings.<p>It's obvious that everyone's different - it's so refreshing to remember this - it makes me appreciate being human.<p>As for me, initially, the emotion was intense - I couldn't eat or sleep well at all for 4-5 days. Neither could my WS. But we hung out together, as we have for 13 years now. We slowly started to normalize life, but even now 2 months post-D-day, I still don't sleep all that well. I've had a couple of violent dreams, attacking the first OM physically (I actually knew him so can imagine his face - never seen the current OM). My WS and I have been busy with work too. I've had a hard time concentrating, but am slowly returning to normal there. Sadly, I've neglected my friends, too, and am determined to change that.<p>Today, I feel like I'm quite in control of my emotions. Our therapist commented that I have exceptional coping skills. But that doesn't mean I don't hurt. Sometimes when I'm out alone, driving, I have "outbursts" - mainly for my own benefit. I've actually found that I'm enjoying time alone recently - my WS complains that she needs freedom and independence - well, I'm starting to feel the same more and more every day that she continues to leave me hanging.<p>But I still love her dearly. And I still have hope. I see small signs here and there. She claims she wants to leave, but talks about things in the future assuming we'll be together. She looks forward to things I talk about in the future too. These tiny signs of hope are what keep me going, day to day. But it's such a strange mixture of feelings - love and hate have gotten so mixed up for me that I'm feeling something like "lo-te" maybe. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>When I see other people on MB who have been doing this for months and even years, I have to reset my perspective - this won't "go away" on its own for a long time. I need patience. Maybe this is a message from somewhere that this is an aspect of my personality that needs to change.<p>And I've started to write a bit - something I did a few years ago and put it aside because I was "too busy." Well, it's time to get back to basics - focus on me again. This helps me overcome my feelings of powerlessness too.
Hi,<p>WAT (Dave) and I have talked about this some, because prior to my ex-H's affairs of the 80's our son was born not breathing. He did make it, but not before some serious disabilities surfaced, which included a severe depression, which led to him trying to hang himself at age eight. <p>It is unfortunately not abnormal for one spouse to go into denial, or choose to ignore the "bad" feelings, and reach out to someone else.<p>I think the Bob Geldorf quote is so right on it's scary. <p>My ex had five affairs, and each one brought about differing emotions... all of them being "almost Shakespearean" in intensity.<p>He did such a good job describing that I almost can't add to it... except to say that the only worse feeling for me was having an affair myself... I know it's hard to believe, but for me, it was so entirely horrifying that I wanted to die -- and torture would have been welcome.<p>And yes, I'm serious.<p>Excellent thread!
H20,
Wow, what a great thread.
I will say this, I am right there with WAT. I did not lose a child, but my first husband committed suicide. I was left with a 4-month-old son and I was 23 years old. Much more than I wanted to be going through at such a young age. It was devastating to me. However, the difference between the devastation of a death, and the devastation from an affair is that the death is so final. You can go through the 5 stages of grief, knowing that there is no question that the person will not be in your life again. <p>When I found out about my H's A, I stopped breathing, eating, drinking, did NOT want to live... Fortunately for me, I have 3 teenage children that I HAD to live for. Had I not, I can't honestly say I'd be here today, 8 months later. The physical and emotional toll this has taken on me has been incredible. I have lost 57 lbs. (not all bad), for 3 months I was getting bruises all over my body (determined as stress). About 2 months ago, my hair started falling out. This has been going on for 8 months, and there has not been more than a few moments on a few days that it has not totally consumed me. <p>There are days when I want to end all of it, and the only way I see I can do that is to divorce my H. Most days though, I want so much for him to come out of his fog (he's ended contact, but the fog is still there) and really LOOK and CARE about the devastation all around him.<p>My heart physically still hurts. I still suffer from days of "How did this happen?" How did the one person I trusted more than anyone in this world, betray me so? How could he continue day in and day out to look me in the eyes and deny; lie; and have a relationship with another person?<p>Some questions will never have truthful, complete answers. That's one of the things I try to come to terms with.<p>There are days when I wish I didn't give a dam* about my H, because maybe it wouldn't hurt anymore......<p>Thanks for letting me get that all out.<p>MOM
I sort of knew before the actual verbal words were opened and spit out about the affair. I hired a detective. It was heartwrenching to know that the one you gave your life and soul to could just go out and flip a switch and turn you off and turn the OP on. It was different for me, cause I read a very sexual letter he wrote when we arrived back from the OW's state, and of course he had physical sex with her that week. Around his family being there during the visit, H dad lives 30 minutes away from the OP, and H worked it out. The letter he wrote to his munchkin was quite graphic and I saw the letter written on childish notepad. That is what caught my eye, what man would write on notepad with a little girl and all these cute little flowers and etc. on it. So I picked it up and read it, and literally went mad. H said it was a romance novel. But he used her name for she is the only one he has loved, talked about her husband, used his name, used my name, and then quite detailed in the sex they had. H lied big time and said it was a romance novel. <p>Also, I didn't find out for sure he had a physical affair until June. Found out the affair for sure in Feb. So I am still trying to deal with the sex part. It is a big crock of poop!<p>You feel rejected, you know the WS is lieing big time, you feel ugly, you feel worthless, you feel betrayed, you wonder how they can just have sex with anyone, you gave this person your heart, your soul, your mind, your body, your family, your money, your everything. And then you find out that they turn around and give all what you gave to them, throw it away, and get from another person without any guilt or remorse. My H says he has no guilt or remorse about the affair. <p>Then discovering it was physical causes greater pain after all the months of lieing to me that it wasn't physical. The trust is lost, the eyes you look at are not those you loved all those years. These are the eyes of a betrayer, a loser, a liar, a sex object, a user, a rejector, a financial loser, a luster, an immoral person, an anti-christian, a big time sinner. GOD SEES ALL AND KNOWS WHAT THE WS HAS DONE111111111 <p>Now the WS gets judged by God, and they will have to pay for the rest of their lives. My H OP has had two physical affairs in her marriage, wonder what her status is with GOD!!! Maybe she has asked for forgiveness and received, who knows but I am sure she has been tagged with a big orange tag, with 2 strikes on it, 3rd one shes out. I don't know, sounds good and just trying to get rid of the OP.<p>Talking to Jennifer says it takes a long time to get over it. I have the additional problem that H doesn't want anyone to know it was a physical affair. So I am trying to find a support group to talk to verbally and see the eyes of the others that are in pain too. She said that will help to reduce the pain little by little.
First I want to say that this is a good thread. It's made me really stop and think about everything that has happened in my life in the last 8 months. All the emotions that I've went through and the emotions that I'm feeling today.<p>So... I don't think that there are words to describe my emotions that first night. I wanted him dead, me dead, I wanted him out of my life, I hated him for all the lies. I honestly think that the lies bother me as much as the affair. Things in our lives have been changed to an extent that they will never be the same again. I was hurt, sad, mad, destroyed. I didn't think life could go on.<p>Now 8 months later... we're in a better place. I think (at least I hope) that we had started the process to rebuild our marriage before he was deployed. The deployment puts things in a different light. It gave us both some space. It's also hard to argue over much when he's in a different county. I don't think he will ever understand the pain and destruction that the A caused. His idea of starting over is to forget it happened and go from there. Needless to say, we have many hours of counseling ahead of us when he finally gets to come home.
Dear Myownme,<p>I also lost 50 lbs in 5 months and my hair fell out too. I was so worried that I saw a doctor about the hair loss, I didn`t tell him what had happened but he did diagnose it as stress. My hair loss eventually stopped, thank god I was actually starting to see bald spots on my head and then BAM my H did something else idiotic and I started losing hair again. It`s just now starting to regrow. I also had that very real feeling of being unable to breathe. <p>I would be interested to know when someone experiences the death of a close loved one, do you also experience these tangible physical symptoms as well?<p>It does get better, I`m now 14 months out of D-day.
My Goodness How Can I Add To This? You have all described it about as well as one can.<p> One of you made mention of wishing to be able to hate the WS. I can SOOO relate to that. I have even gone so far as to have asked God to let me hate WS. Whatever it takes to STOP the pain. But, God doesn't know hate. The pain is just so great.<p> How great? The day of the attack on the World Trade Center, I felt very little to nothing for the victims. I actually envied them in a way. All the possible pain in their lives was over. I was a little jealous of that. I have since shed many tears for the people who lost their lives in those planes and in those buildings. I have great remorse for being unable to feel for them and our country back then.<p> Yes, I even wanted to die. Wished for death many times. That didn't happen. So I suffer, like you fine people. <p> This place is the biggest benefit to have come from the betrayal. That I have found others like myself. People who understand exactly how I feel. People who don't judge me for making mistakes by LBing or loving my WS. People willing to kick me in the butt and keep me going. <p> I cannot describe the feelings that I live with daily. Those feeling are everything you all have said, and so much more. The words fail me. Un-describeable. <p> jd
At first I felt relief - he told me - Im not crazy or paranoid.
Then I felt panic which I have never felt before.
I had panic attacks / sobbing out of the blue, I felt I was going nuts.
I felt a total loss of control.
I felt LONELY which I havent felt since I was a teenager.
I felt trapped, this was my fate, I would never find anyone to be true to me alone.
I hurt for my children.
One of the most significant times in my life was when my father told me he had never cheated. I wanted my daughter to hear these words from her dad.
I felt used, and old, and tired.
I hope I never feel these things again, I really think I would die.
How could this happen to us? the happiest couple of all our friends? two peas in a pod?
I am still afraid to look at my original posts, for fear it would bring back that pain.It is on my list of recovery things to do.<p>I am glad to be past these days of restless torture. It is still not easy, but I can see a light.If I hadnt found this site I would have really thought I had lost it.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Myownme:
<strong>for 3 months I was getting bruises all over my body (determined as stress). </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Great thread. Nothing to add really, everything I've read is what I've felt. Except for the death of a loved one, which I do believe could be easier only because it is final.<p>But MOM, about those bruises... I've never heard that could be caused from stress. My XW (WS) gets bruises all the time and she doesn't have a clue to how she gets them. So they can appear from stress? That's weird, but at least that explains it.
I just remember the utter coldness...everything seemed black...the world had no color...icy tenticles of fear...my whole world was on tilt and nothing, absolutely nothing seemed real anymore...everything was a lie...<p>I couldn't sleep...but I hated being awake...I couldn't eat...couldn't work...couldn't concentrate...couldn't focus...it was as if my whole mind was filled with a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions...<p>It was truly a daytime nightmare...a waking dream from which I didn't feel I would wake...I couldn't see an end and I so desperately wanted it to be over or for someone to tell me it wasn't real.<p>Calypso (formerly known as J U S T P L A I N C A L I)
Just like WAT, I had lost a son within a year of d-day (6 month time frame). Basically, from Sept 11, 2000 (the day of Andrew's passing) to March 10th, 2001, I went through absolute hell. I cannot really think of words to describe those feelings.<p>Sept 11th, I found Andrew (whatever happened, happened in his sleep... thank God for that).
Feb 6th, I kick H out after he was too busy lying to me so as to spend time with a now FORMER friend of mine (OW#1).
Feb 17th, I had an emergency c-section with our twin sons.
March 10th, I found out that the EA with OW#1 was definitely a PA.<p>So, having gone through the loss of a child, sudden separation from my H, major abdominal surgery (as the nurses at the hospital described having a cesarean), and finally a d-day (although my 'day' lasted for a few weeks)... it was definitely dealing with the waywardness of my H that was most difficult.<p>That could be because I already had enough to deal with on my plate as it was, and I wasn't doing so great (both physically and emotionally) all along. But it definitely did quite a number on me. Again, I'm at a loss for words. All I know is that I hardly slept, rarely ate (had to force myself to drink juice... at least that was better than nothing), spent most of my waking hours online here, etc. <p>Once the initial shock of everything wore off some (that puts me in April sometime), I was able to pull myself together. The depression was still set in, but slowly disipating. It's still there now, but to a far lesser extent... and H and I are in recovery! (for 5 months now).<p>Geldof's words, IMO, as good as they are, still don't come close to describing the hell, turmoil, anger (which does eventually come), depression, grieving, hate, bitterness, love, anxiety, and numbness which encompasses the onslaught of discovering a WS.<p>Thank you for this thread. <p>Karen
At first when I just suspected an affair, I felt hurt, anger and denial, thinking I was just choosing to believe the worst. Then as the proof mounted in the following months, I felt a very strange combination of two opposing types of feelings, the positive side being unconditional love type things and all the normal negative emotions and physical reactions (sleeplessness, weight loss, nausea, borderline depression).
Excellent thread! I&#8217;ve only been in hell since 27 Aug but it feels like a lifetime. When I found out, I nearly lost my mind. I remember standing in our living room, hunched over as if I&#8217;d been struck and desperately trying to prevent my body flying apart at the seams. <p>How does one describe the pain of having the person you&#8216;ve dedicated heart mind, soul, every plan, every dream and hope spit in your face. How do you recover from knowing the person that has been an integral part of every conscious thought can hurt you so shamelessly? How do you recover the half of your soul you gave a person who now dreams of another man in the way I still dream of her? <p>For me, I feel lost&#8230;. Completely and hopelessly lost, alone and adrift on a sea of sorrow and despair. I can&#8217;t hate her, I can&#8217;t walk away from all that I love and gives my life worth. I spend all my days asking myself &#8220;what am I to do?&#8221; The real hell for me is that I feel it&#8217;s a self-inflicted wound. I drove my wife to this. Ten plus years of undiagnosed depression (D-Day was the wake-up call) pushed her to do what she wouldn&#8217;t normally consider. <p> Through the haze I lived in for so many years, I see the myriad ways she tried to reach me. I also see the anger she met with on many of her attempts. I think her A was her way of &#8220;putting paid&#8221; to our marriage. Even at this late date she couldn&#8217;t quite leave like that. We&#8217;re not really trying yet but she&#8217;s undecided, it boggles my mind that she would even give me any consideration or the thought of a chance after all those years. All this does is offer further evidence of the depth of the love she had that I destroyed. Add this guilt to the pain I still feel from the loss and the betrayal and it&#8217;s nearly unbearable! <p>In trying to describe my pain to her the other day (After she asked why I had a problem with OM calling while I&#8217;m home). I told her honestly that I would rather experience the pain of her death than what I feel now. I can&#8217;t even say I&#8217;d rather she was dead. The glimmer of hope I still carry won&#8217;t even allow me to hate her too that extent. That and the guilt I feel for inflicting this on us both. Yes, it was her A and she made that call. I husbanded the environment that the seeds of our despair thrived in. <p>Everything hurts&#8230;. Everything is an indictment of my failure as a husband and father. As terrible as my pain is, the guilt of what I did to her is more intense. Many days I feel this is poetic justice for my wrongs&#8230; So&#8230; what do I do with that?
I experienced nearly all that I have read so far, so I'll only add what happened to me this time that no one else mentioned.<p>D-day night I was in such agony when everyone was sleeping, I went prostrate on the floor, crying and begging God to release me from the pain. When that didn't work, I almost got a knife from the kitchen to take to H and beg him to stab me in the heart with it because it couldn't possibly hurt more than what he'd already done to me.<p>I eventually got up and paced and paced and paced and ended up banging my head as hard as I could on every hard surface I could find. I wanted to feel ANYTHING other than what I was feeling! I think I had some idea that if I could make my outside hurt as much as my inside it might balance out or neutralize somehow. I also was hoping I would knock myself unconscious and be able to escape the pain that way. All I did was raise huge knots on my head and give myself a headache that lasted for days.<p>What hurt even worse was that while I was banging my head on all the door frames and it seemed so loud and was shaking the entire house, H slept like a baby, oblivious to my agony and self-abuse. I told him about it the next day and that if I ever got that far gone again, he would have to leave because I would not allow myself to fall apart like that again since someone had to protect me and the kids and it obviously was not going to be him.<p>A week or two later the rage hit again, but I turned it outward that time and got the biggest hammer I could find and a 2 x 6 in the backyard and banged the holy living you-know-what out of that board. I splintered it to pieces and nearly lost the head off the hammer. When H asked me what the heck I was doing, I told him I was doing what was necessary to keep from using the hammer on his head because he just didn't get it. He punished me with the silent treatment and cold shoulder for days afterward.<p>I haven't been violent since and now mostly just have the sorrow and resignation that he simply doesn't care how I feel, just as it was before the A, only now I have to carry the pain of the A on top of all the rest.<p>There is a bright spot, however. Precipitating the A was my grief process over the emotional loss of my older children (a painful estrangement and a LONG story). This was why I was not meeting H's ENs pre-A. Little did I know that I and my younger children were in more danger from H than from my older children I was keeping at a distance, so I no longer hold them accountable for anything they did, so I expect to be reconciled to my older children and my grandchildren soon. And if H, who totally rejected them, objects, then he can take a hike because nothing they have ever done to our family can compare to what he did.<p>In trying to forgive him, it has made it easy to forgive everyone in my life (including my ex-H, a NON-former BS cheater) because H has done the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Everything else pales in comparison. So the rest of my life and relationships are just dandy!<p>Conqueror<p>[ November 02, 2001: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>
It's been a long time since that particular period of my life. I try not to remember it, because in retrospect, it was probably the worst kind of hurt that I had ever experienced. Nothing - not the death of my best friend, my grandmother's death, or the death of anyone who I had dearly loved - even came close. I never knew that kind of emotional horror existed.<p>I never really wanted to end it all, but I found myself wishing that I were someone else - anyone else, it didn't matter. I just didn't want to be *me* and have to endure the situation.<p>I felt cold all of the time, and panicky ... as though I could never see what the next day would bring. For the first time in my life, I had no idea what was in my future, aside from getting up the next day and going to work.<p>I was stunned. That's a rather weak descriptor. Ever have something happen to you and it's so traumatic that you cannot cry? I was in a head-on car accident once when I was married to my first husband - he was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I remember being pried out of the bottom of the car. I was so shaken and distressed, I couldn't even make a word. Couldn't talk, couldn't scream, couldn't cry, couldn't walk. I was simply immobile. I felt like that a lot of the time. In fact, it was a very long time before I allowed myself to cry about it. I was subsequently treated by a psychiatrist for post-traumatic stress disorder and major depression. <p>I guess the worst part of it was that it felt like a divorce. Not on paper, but in my heart. And that's all that counts. One day I woke up and contemplated the jagged rifts of that separation - my love for my H (what remained), torn right down the middle - and realized that the split was irrevocable, and there was little hope, aside from my H doing everything according to the MB principles right down the line, for my ever feeling truly close to him again, in any way, shape or form. <p>I couldn't stand to be reminded of anything having to do with our marriage. I put up all of my pictures of H, our wedding album, the announcements, etc., so I couldn't see them. I still haven't taken them out. Because since I felt the rift, there has never been a sense of healing. H did not do all of the things in MB to assure me. Thus, things only got worse for me. <p>If I had to describe what it felt like to be me, I'd have to say that it felt like I'd been jettisoned into deep space in a tiny spacecraft. Never to return to earth again. Utterly alone, with no one to touch, to talk to, to reach out to ... there were people laughing and loving and enjoying life somewhere, but I was millions of miles away from them ... just the cold night and the stars above me. <p>Still feel like that a lot.<p>belld
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by belldandy:
<strong> Ever have something happen to you and it's so traumatic that you cannot cry?
belld</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I hear you! When Andrew passed away, I didn't have a really good cry for at least 3 weeks. Prior to that, I would have watery eyes, but not enough to count as crying. <p>And then 6 months later, after having kicked H out of the house... sheesh! It took me a good 2 months before I shed a tear over him!! I had managed to convince myself that Andrew was the only thing worth crying over. Somehow that helped me to keep my cool during my plan A.<p>Thanks belldandy... I had forgotten that part of it all. Perhaps it was just such a shock overload.<p>Karen
The BS discovery feelings are indescribable.<p>
  • Disbelief
  • Panic
  • Despair
  • Horror
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Extreme anxiety
  • Shock
  • Helplessness
  • Uncontrollable emotions
  • Self loathing & blame
<p>I felt dead inside and that everyone knew what I was going thru by just looking at me. I couldn't look anyone in the eyes. I have no idea what the world events were during the really bad time. No eating or sleeping for a very long time. Constantly cried uncontrollably. Felt worthless and in a panic all the time. I paced at home, almost wore out the carpet. I was quite ill at the time and I sunk into a deep depression.<p>At one point I was driving myself home from a Radiation treatment and I couldn't determine if I was on the correct side of the freeway or not, pulled over and called my counselor, I was borderline hysterical, she helped me get home safely. What a frightening feeling. I was certain I was losing my mind. I wanted to die. Diagnosed as clinically depressed, guess there were too many bad things at once, and, of course, my H did not care. Said I was an inconvenience.<p>I will never forget how bad it was, and anyone here that is going thru it now, my heart goes out to you.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>
Dear God, Belldandy. You described how I felt. In deep space all alone, no one could reach me. I felt ostracized, and everyone else was living life and experiencing joy. <p>Jo
jd's thoughts got to me. For me, when the terroist attacks happened on Sept. 11th, I was strangely unaffected. I mean I was shocked and dismayed, but my heart was so familiar with brokenness from months of pain and grief, that it couldn't get any worse. I felt guilty for awhile - watching the reaction of the rest of the country grieve the way they did. Maybe I should look at it another way - I had been hiding in the arms of God for awhile, so when terror struck I was already clinging to The Source of all comfort.
I'll tell you, I've read through this thread 3 or 4 times today, and EACH TIME I have been moved to tears. <p>It is the most horrible experience I have ever gone through - acute horid. I cried so hard that my entire body ached. I wanted to be dead. <p>The sick part about it all, is my husband called social services to tell them I was suicidal the day before "d" day. He planned on telling me, and KNEW what my reaction would be. Rotten &*)*&!<p>Makes me angry all over again. Tears, sadness and then angry. It is just such INJUSTICE!<p>We will never forget those moments of despair. Never. We have joined the club of "acute horid experiences". I would rather be tortured than to experience that again.<p>WHERE IS THE EMOTICON for tears? Where?
I can only describe it as a my inner light going out inside me. I was dead inside from the time my now STBX let me know he wanted to leave, D-day 6 wks later don't know when I started feeling like I was living again. I do from Fed till May of this yr I felt like that again, it was only in June when I knew everything was over I felt like a weight had been lifted off my heart. Now there are days I feel sad again but nothing like the overwhelming despair. My heart broke, then it broke it several more times. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I wouldn't wish this on anyone but the OW. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]
My feelings were numb. I was in shock. I walked around like a zombie. My body went into the shock mode. I went to work, cared for my son, took care of the household items, managed my staff through a very hard year end, had a misscarriage, etc. I learned of the A by listening to the voicemail on H's cell phone. He guarded it like it was worth a million bucks. Well when he left it on the table that night (after our return from visiting the M counselor where H talked a lot but no mention of the A). I was numb. Then I was angry. <p>With me being in pain and anger made me focus more on fixing it. I wanted to get to the bottom of it and move on. I immediately called for help. Our elders came over the next day. I called the counselor and made plans to move forward. H was in his daze now that the A was exposed (not within his control), he was thrown for a bit. He and OW thought they had everything planned out. I spoiled their plans but did not know it at the time. OW was also using her prego scare and the WS was running with it big time. Remember this is the OW that 'never lies'. Hm..... through it all I managed to keep my sense of humor. My love for God and my family. My son became my strength. Love for God was put to the test and I felt that the Devil was winning. That made me more focused on getting control back in my life. <p>Amazing as it sounds through it all I still wanted my H back. Why? We both are amazed that I did not just throw him out. Many who knew me automatically assumed I would just kick him out. Believe me, I wanted to. The pain I suffered began to take it's toll. I believe my tolerance level is high but no one should let themselves get so runned down that they want to end it all. When that became a consuming thought in my mind, I knew I needed help. How would I get it without being thrown in the hospital? It was hard. <p>Many of you here may not realize how much you helped me. I did not post all my thoughts and feelings (though I did post a lot) when this was happening. Many a night, MB helped me through it all. When I didn't think I could go on, a word, thought or even deed helped me. I remember the night H2U sent me that cyber luau. I cried and cried. I was happy he sent it and kept crying. <p>Fatherof1Husbandof0 and Dana encouraged me with the 5 stages of grieving. Bramble Rose, Cheryl, sing, Faith, Zorweb, CAli, Topie, Wat, Rick37, Jo, hopelessinAZ,hopelessmom, mtthrbard, k, terri, hbh, H2U, Bitsy Perserving and many others kept me going when I thought I couldn't take another step. <p>I found an inner strength I did not know I had. I also found inner peace. I did learn that all the excuses and reasons meant little unless the real cause was identified and worked on. In my case before anything could happen, I needed to get the OW out of my life. She was a cancer to me. Killing me a little more with each passing day. I had to stop her at all costs. Even if it meant losing my H. I realized that and it scared me. <p>Regardless of my fears, I had to do it for me to move on. Once the real issue surfaced then I could prioritize, deal with issues and move forward. <p>For the most part now, OW is out of our life. Her sporatic calls are going down. Like the future terrorist attacks, I anticipate that the OW will try to initate contact again. <p>Whether the Ws wants to go out and do the dirty deed again or not, I know I can't play that game anymore. I should have never started that game. <p>I have learned to tolerate less. I am a beter person for learning to do less. <p>L.
There is nothing I can add to what as already been said to describe this horrible time in a spouse's life. After being married 29 yrs and discovering my then spouse was having an affair, I almost committed suicide, and if it wasn't for my children, I may have gone through with it.
I know the OW, who my ex is still with, previously had a relationship where that person actually cheated on her! If she experienced any of the pain when she discovered his unfaithfulness, why would she knowingly take up with a married man and inflict the same pain on another woman? That I will never understand. I know she reads posts here all the time, and I'm hoping one day, she may respond and tell her story!
db713,<p>Ever hear that saying "Misery likes Company"?<p>IMVHO, it may be possible that because the OW in your case KNOWINGLY knew what pain you would suffer, she intentionally targeted a married man to prove to herself she TOO could steal someone else'e husband. I see it as a sick twisted attempt at building her self esteem.<p>She has major issues, that imminently one day, she will be forced to deal with, God help her.<p>As for your H? Well, he will one day see her for what she truly is.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ November 03, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>
That's what multiplied and magnified my pain even more this time than with my previous H--the fact that this H claimed he was the BS in his previous M. So he knew what he was inflicting on me and did it anyway. When I think about that and the STD he gave me, I wonder at my sanity for remaining in this relationship. I will never believe he loves me. I couldn't do to ANYONE what he's done to me.<p>I think the main reason I remain is because my ex-husband became so much worse when I divorced him and has done everything he can to hurt me ever since. I don't think I could survive another, even meaner ex-husband in my life. I feel trapped with no way out to any hope of a decent life.<p>Conqueror
H2O just posted some of this thread and I had missed it since I didn't find MB until 2003. It says it all as to how adultery affects a person.
Thanks H2O.
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