I was reading an article about Bob Geldorf the rock musician whose domestic affairs are sine qua non when it comes to infidelity. The story has been widely publicised and you probably all know about it. His w left him Aand his 3 children this is his description of his feelings at the time that this happened.<p> This thing is so extreme,the level of tragedy is almost Shakespearean and thats not being grandiose.There is anger and the anger is that it is happening at all. I sound very rational now ,but if you imagine in the absolute nightmare of this ,in the pit of despair it is utter bewilderment at these events over which you have no control,you are utterly powerless which is the worsr sort of impotence for a human.You get very depressed when you are powerless
It wasnt simply this powerlessness over events but a terrifying incapacity.The physical effect was weird.Anger doesnt enter into it .The enormity of the lossis so great To have love withdrawn is so enormous..I describe it as universes of emptiness oceans of grief,deserts of loss. It is just so vast . <p> He does however say that after about 18 months it suddenly one day got better the depression left him quite suddenly so there is a light at the end of the tunnel (I hope).<p> I am trying to take my h through the various stages of the aftermath of discovery because I am sure he thinks I am exaggerating the experience .I would really appreciate it if any one could bring themselves to describe the experience as it was them.There is no way that any one who has not been through this could possibly describe how it feels .

H2O - as you well state, the betrayals we experienced cannot be adequately described to someone who has not experienced it themselves.

I propose that we are forced with trying to describe it relative to other experiences that can be more vividly imagined.<p>For me, the betrayal came less than a year after the loss of my 8 year old son to cancer.<p>I can say without hesitation that the betrayal was a far, far worse experience than the loss of my son. Particularly so because it involved someone who was close to my family and was well aware of the pain we were already suffering.<p>[ November 02, 2001: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

There is only one emotion/condition that God did not equip us to handle - rejection. That is why this site is filled with people who are devastated and at a loss.

WAT,<p>I'm sitting here, reading your words as though their cruel truth hides behind their bitter sharp blackness.<p>That's a terrible burden for any man to shoulder and a pain nobody should be required to suffer, especially when it's inflicted by the hands of a wife.<p>WAT, my respect to you and my wish that you find peace within. You are a finer man than I could ever wish to be.<p>take care,<p>- Freddy

H2O,<p>Acute pain (physical and emotional)
Feelings of self worthlessness
Burning fury
Extreme jealousy
Pure, unadulterated hatred
Deep feeling of self blame
Thoughts of unspeakable acts
Total loss of self-control
Bouts of uncontrollable sobbing like never before (not when my GrandM died, not when my F died, NEVER)
Feelings of abandonment by a best friend, a spouse, God
Regret for not making the necessary changes in oneself earlier<p>
Those are some of the feelings that I'VE felt. Take each one of them and elevate them to the MOST EXTREME level of -est and it is barely adequate.<p>Hope this helps,
K

Dear Worthatry,<p>I am so sorry for the loss of your son, what a terrible experience you have gone though with the loss and the A on top of it. <p>I can understand your feelings a bit though vis a vis the A being more difficult to bear than the death of your son. Sometime ago I read an article about divorce and how a divorce was much harder to get through than the death of a spouse. Death is a natural separation whereas divorce is a chosen one. When a death occurs it is painful and sad, you mourn the loss of your loved one but when a separation/divorce comes about it`s because your spouse has CHOSEN to be separated/divorced from you. You are not only dealing with the loss but with the sense of rejection as well. A double whammy.<p>An A in my mind is like a divorce, maybe not in the legal sense but certainly in an emotional one. Your heart has been rejected. I know this feeling. I have never experienced the death of a spouse or a child so maybe I am just blowing hot air here but I think that maybe I do understand why the A was harder on you than the loss of your child. <p>I hope you will be able to make peace with your spouse, you both have suffered a terrible loss and grief can make people do some extreme things inorder to soothe their pain a bit. I am sending you good thoughts. <p>Dear H2O,<p>This might seem like horrible sentiments here but this is really the way I felt at the time of confirmation of my H`s A, and please bear in mind I don`t feel this way anymore but I did for a while. <p>I thought that the marriage was over. I actually thought to myself that if the marriage were to end that it would have been preferable for one of us to have dropped dead rather than to have gone through this. If he had died then I would have never known about his A or his rejection of my heart. The marriage would have been finished but I would at least would have thought that although our marriage wasn`t perfect that he did in fact love me. When I found out about the A I thought he didn`t love me, never did. I thought that he actually hated me and had set out to destroy me. If I had been the one who died then of course I would have never known about the A. That is the depth of my feelings about his onenight A. ONENIGHT, I know alot of people here are dealing with extended A`s. I cannot even fathom the pain that must cause. I admire everyone here who is able to deal with extended A`s and are trying to work through them.<p>An A is the ultimate act of betrayal, you destroy someone who you supposedly love. I am assuming here that WS`s did in fact love their spouses at one point or they wouldn`t have married them. It is a very scary thought for a BS to realise that someone who at some point did love them could end up doing the absolute worst thing imaginable to someone they had loved. <p>Since being here on MB, I have seen the other side of the story and my feelings about my H`s A have changed. It didn`t happen overnight though. I don`t think anyone who hasn`t experienced this kind of betrayal could ever understand. I think it`s just about the most painful experience you can live through. The best thing we BS`s can do is to try to understand the WS. They didn`t commit this drastic act on a whim.

H2O
The revelation of an affair was literally like a blow in the chest. I lost my ability to breathe and not only had chest pain, but it was like a hole--emptiness in my chest. My mind went reeling and I wasn't able to think clearly for awhile. I saw my whole life being destroyed. I felt it would have been better to have been shot and died. I felt like I was garbage that he could just replace me so. I felt worthless, beaten, so LOST. I was powerless, unable to make sense of anything and when I found out it was during the aftermath of the fire in our house when he didn't come home for a full month later, while I was having to deal with the insurance, the plumbing, the cleaning, and the nightmares the kids were having on top of the 2nd degree burns up my right arm that he was out screwing this LESBIAN I really just thought of death constantly. That told me that not only he didn't think anything of me, but even our precious kids didn't take precidence over his selfishness and the OW. It was totally devastating. The only things that got me through it were my kids and my Faith in God--that there is a reason for everything and God will work things out to his glory even if we can't understand it at the time.
Even so, I went right to the Dr. and got on antidepressants and tested for all the STDs. BTW
he got the bill this week....over $400 and the insurance only paid $40. He didn't say much. (Infideltiy is costly in more ways than one.)<p>WAT I am so sorry about your son. I can only imagine what it is like to lose a child.
Mikkey

This is an interesting thread - to hear and understand how people deal with these feelings.<p>It's obvious that everyone's different - it's so refreshing to remember this - it makes me appreciate being human.<p>As for me, initially, the emotion was intense - I couldn't eat or sleep well at all for 4-5 days. Neither could my WS. But we hung out together, as we have for 13 years now. We slowly started to normalize life, but even now 2 months post-D-day, I still don't sleep all that well. I've had a couple of violent dreams, attacking the first OM physically (I actually knew him so can imagine his face - never seen the current OM). My WS and I have been busy with work too. I've had a hard time concentrating, but am slowly returning to normal there. Sadly, I've neglected my friends, too, and am determined to change that.<p>Today, I feel like I'm quite in control of my emotions. Our therapist commented that I have exceptional coping skills. But that doesn't mean I don't hurt. Sometimes when I'm out alone, driving, I have "outbursts" - mainly for my own benefit. I've actually found that I'm enjoying time alone recently - my WS complains that she needs freedom and independence - well, I'm starting to feel the same more and more every day that she continues to leave me hanging.<p>But I still love her dearly. And I still have hope. I see small signs here and there. She claims she wants to leave, but talks about things in the future assuming we'll be together. She looks forward to things I talk about in the future too. These tiny signs of hope are what keep me going, day to day. But it's such a strange mixture of feelings - love and hate have gotten so mixed up for me that I'm feeling something like "lo-te" maybe. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>When I see other people on MB who have been doing this for months and even years, I have to reset my perspective - this won't "go away" on its own for a long time. I need patience. Maybe this is a message from somewhere that this is an aspect of my personality that needs to change.<p>And I've started to write a bit - something I did a few years ago and put it aside because I was "too busy." Well, it's time to get back to basics - focus on me again. This helps me overcome my feelings of powerlessness too.

Hi,<p>WAT (Dave) and I have talked about this some, because prior to my ex-H's affairs of the 80's our son was born not breathing. He did make it, but not before some serious disabilities surfaced, which included a severe depression, which led to him trying to hang himself at age eight. <p>It is unfortunately not abnormal for one spouse to go into denial, or choose to ignore the "bad" feelings, and reach out to someone else.<p>I think the Bob Geldorf quote is so right on it's scary. <p>My ex had five affairs, and each one brought about differing emotions... all of them being "almost Shakespearean" in intensity.<p>He did such a good job describing that I almost can't add to it... except to say that the only worse feeling for me was having an affair myself... I know it's hard to believe, but for me, it was so entirely horrifying that I wanted to die -- and torture would have been welcome.<p>And yes, I'm serious.<p>Excellent thread!

H20,
Wow, what a great thread.
I will say this, I am right there with WAT. I did not lose a child, but my first husband committed suicide. I was left with a 4-month-old son and I was 23 years old. Much more than I wanted to be going through at such a young age. It was devastating to me. However, the difference between the devastation of a death, and the devastation from an affair is that the death is so final. You can go through the 5 stages of grief, knowing that there is no question that the person will not be in your life again. <p>When I found out about my H's A, I stopped breathing, eating, drinking, did NOT want to live... Fortunately for me, I have 3 teenage children that I HAD to live for. Had I not, I can't honestly say I'd be here today, 8 months later. The physical and emotional toll this has taken on me has been incredible. I have lost 57 lbs. (not all bad), for 3 months I was getting bruises all over my body (determined as stress). About 2 months ago, my hair started falling out. This has been going on for 8 months, and there has not been more than a few moments on a few days that it has not totally consumed me. <p>There are days when I want to end all of it, and the only way I see I can do that is to divorce my H. Most days though, I want so much for him to come out of his fog (he's ended contact, but the fog is still there) and really LOOK and CARE about the devastation all around him.<p>My heart physically still hurts. I still suffer from days of "How did this happen?" How did the one person I trusted more than anyone in this world, betray me so? How could he continue day in and day out to look me in the eyes and deny; lie; and have a relationship with another person?<p>Some questions will never have truthful, complete answers. That's one of the things I try to come to terms with.<p>There are days when I wish I didn't give a dam* about my H, because maybe it wouldn't hurt anymore......<p>Thanks for letting me get that all out.<p>MOM

I sort of knew before the actual verbal words were opened and spit out about the affair. I hired a detective. It was heartwrenching to know that the one you gave your life and soul to could just go out and flip a switch and turn you off and turn the OP on. It was different for me, cause I read a very sexual letter he wrote when we arrived back from the OW's state, and of course he had physical sex with her that week. Around his family being there during the visit, H dad lives 30 minutes away from the OP, and H worked it out. The letter he wrote to his munchkin was quite graphic and I saw the letter written on childish notepad. That is what caught my eye, what man would write on notepad with a little girl and all these cute little flowers and etc. on it. So I picked it up and read it, and literally went mad. H said it was a romance novel. But he used her name for she is the only one he has loved, talked about her husband, used his name, used my name, and then quite detailed in the sex they had. H lied big time and said it was a romance novel. <p>Also, I didn't find out for sure he had a physical affair until June. Found out the affair for sure in Feb. So I am still trying to deal with the sex part. It is a big crock of poop!<p>You feel rejected, you know the WS is lieing big time, you feel ugly, you feel worthless, you feel betrayed, you wonder how they can just have sex with anyone, you gave this person your heart, your soul, your mind, your body, your family, your money, your everything. And then you find out that they turn around and give all what you gave to them, throw it away, and get from another person without any guilt or remorse. My H says he has no guilt or remorse about the affair. <p>Then discovering it was physical causes greater pain after all the months of lieing to me that it wasn't physical. The trust is lost, the eyes you look at are not those you loved all those years. These are the eyes of a betrayer, a loser, a liar, a sex object, a user, a rejector, a financial loser, a luster, an immoral person, an anti-christian, a big time sinner. GOD SEES ALL AND KNOWS WHAT THE WS HAS DONE111111111 <p>Now the WS gets judged by God, and they will have to pay for the rest of their lives. My H OP has had two physical affairs in her marriage, wonder what her status is with GOD!!! Maybe she has asked for forgiveness and received, who knows but I am sure she has been tagged with a big orange tag, with 2 strikes on it, 3rd one shes out. I don't know, sounds good and just trying to get rid of the OP.<p>Talking to Jennifer says it takes a long time to get over it. I have the additional problem that H doesn't want anyone to know it was a physical affair. So I am trying to find a support group to talk to verbally and see the eyes of the others that are in pain too. She said that will help to reduce the pain little by little.

First I want to say that this is a good thread. It's made me really stop and think about everything that has happened in my life in the last 8 months. All the emotions that I've went through and the emotions that I'm feeling today.<p>So... I don't think that there are words to describe my emotions that first night. I wanted him dead, me dead, I wanted him out of my life, I hated him for all the lies. I honestly think that the lies bother me as much as the affair. Things in our lives have been changed to an extent that they will never be the same again. I was hurt, sad, mad, destroyed. I didn't think life could go on.<p>Now 8 months later... we're in a better place. I think (at least I hope) that we had started the process to rebuild our marriage before he was deployed. The deployment puts things in a different light. It gave us both some space. It's also hard to argue over much when he's in a different county. I don't think he will ever understand the pain and destruction that the A caused. His idea of starting over is to forget it happened and go from there. Needless to say, we have many hours of counseling ahead of us when he finally gets to come home.

Dear Myownme,<p>I also lost 50 lbs in 5 months and my hair fell out too. I was so worried that I saw a doctor about the hair loss, I didn`t tell him what had happened but he did diagnose it as stress. My hair loss eventually stopped, thank god I was actually starting to see bald spots on my head and then BAM my H did something else idiotic and I started losing hair again. It`s just now starting to regrow. I also had that very real feeling of being unable to breathe. <p>I would be interested to know when someone experiences the death of a close loved one, do you also experience these tangible physical symptoms as well?<p>It does get better, I`m now 14 months out of D-day.

My Goodness How Can I Add To This? You have all described it about as well as one can.<p> One of you made mention of wishing to be able to hate the WS. I can SOOO relate to that. I have even gone so far as to have asked God to let me hate WS. Whatever it takes to STOP the pain. But, God doesn't know hate. The pain is just so great.<p> How great? The day of the attack on the World Trade Center, I felt very little to nothing for the victims. I actually envied them in a way. All the possible pain in their lives was over. I was a little jealous of that. I have since shed many tears for the people who lost their lives in those planes and in those buildings. I have great remorse for being unable to feel for them and our country back then.<p> Yes, I even wanted to die. Wished for death many times. That didn't happen. So I suffer, like you fine people. <p> This place is the biggest benefit to have come from the betrayal. That I have found others like myself. People who understand exactly how I feel. People who don't judge me for making mistakes by LBing or loving my WS. People willing to kick me in the butt and keep me going. <p> I cannot describe the feelings that I live with daily. Those feeling are everything you all have said, and so much more. The words fail me. Un-describeable. <p> jd

At first I felt relief - he told me - Im not crazy or paranoid.
Then I felt panic which I have never felt before.
I had panic attacks / sobbing out of the blue, I felt I was going nuts.
I felt a total loss of control.
I felt LONELY which I havent felt since I was a teenager.
I felt trapped, this was my fate, I would never find anyone to be true to me alone.
I hurt for my children.
One of the most significant times in my life was when my father told me he had never cheated. I wanted my daughter to hear these words from her dad.
I felt used, and old, and tired.
I hope I never feel these things again, I really think I would die.
How could this happen to us? the happiest couple of all our friends? two peas in a pod?
I am still afraid to look at my original posts, for fear it would bring back that pain.It is on my list of recovery things to do.<p>I am glad to be past these days of restless torture. It is still not easy, but I can see a light.If I hadnt found this site I would have really thought I had lost it.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Myownme:
<strong>for 3 months I was getting bruises all over my body (determined as stress). </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Great thread. Nothing to add really, everything I've read is what I've felt. Except for the death of a loved one, which I do believe could be easier only because it is final.<p>But MOM, about those bruises... I've never heard that could be caused from stress. My XW (WS) gets bruises all the time and she doesn't have a clue to how she gets them. So they can appear from stress? That's weird, but at least that explains it.

I just remember the utter coldness...everything seemed black...the world had no color...icy tenticles of fear...my whole world was on tilt and nothing, absolutely nothing seemed real anymore...everything was a lie...<p>I couldn't sleep...but I hated being awake...I couldn't eat...couldn't work...couldn't concentrate...couldn't focus...it was as if my whole mind was filled with a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions...<p>It was truly a daytime nightmare...a waking dream from which I didn't feel I would wake...I couldn't see an end and I so desperately wanted it to be over or for someone to tell me it wasn't real.<p>Calypso (formerly known as J U S T P L A I N C A L I)

Just like WAT, I had lost a son within a year of d-day (6 month time frame). Basically, from Sept 11, 2000 (the day of Andrew's passing) to March 10th, 2001, I went through absolute hell. I cannot really think of words to describe those feelings.<p>Sept 11th, I found Andrew (whatever happened, happened in his sleep... thank God for that).
Feb 6th, I kick H out after he was too busy lying to me so as to spend time with a now FORMER friend of mine (OW#1).
Feb 17th, I had an emergency c-section with our twin sons.
March 10th, I found out that the EA with OW#1 was definitely a PA.<p>So, having gone through the loss of a child, sudden separation from my H, major abdominal surgery (as the nurses at the hospital described having a cesarean), and finally a d-day (although my 'day' lasted for a few weeks)... it was definitely dealing with the waywardness of my H that was most difficult.<p>That could be because I already had enough to deal with on my plate as it was, and I wasn't doing so great (both physically and emotionally) all along. But it definitely did quite a number on me. Again, I'm at a loss for words. All I know is that I hardly slept, rarely ate (had to force myself to drink juice... at least that was better than nothing), spent most of my waking hours online here, etc. <p>Once the initial shock of everything wore off some (that puts me in April sometime), I was able to pull myself together. The depression was still set in, but slowly disipating. It's still there now, but to a far lesser extent... and H and I are in recovery! (for 5 months now).<p>Geldof's words, IMO, as good as they are, still don't come close to describing the hell, turmoil, anger (which does eventually come), depression, grieving, hate, bitterness, love, anxiety, and numbness which encompasses the onslaught of discovering a WS.<p>Thank you for this thread. <p>Karen

At first when I just suspected an affair, I felt hurt, anger and denial, thinking I was just choosing to believe the worst. Then as the proof mounted in the following months, I felt a very strange combination of two opposing types of feelings, the positive side being unconditional love type things and all the normal negative emotions and physical reactions (sleeplessness, weight loss, nausea, borderline depression).

Excellent thread! I&#8217;ve only been in hell since 27 Aug but it feels like a lifetime. When I found out, I nearly lost my mind. I remember standing in our living room, hunched over as if I&#8217;d been struck and desperately trying to prevent my body flying apart at the seams. <p>How does one describe the pain of having the person you&#8216;ve dedicated heart mind, soul, every plan, every dream and hope spit in your face. How do you recover from knowing the person that has been an integral part of every conscious thought can hurt you so shamelessly? How do you recover the half of your soul you gave a person who now dreams of another man in the way I still dream of her? <p>For me, I feel lost&#8230;. Completely and hopelessly lost, alone and adrift on a sea of sorrow and despair. I can&#8217;t hate her, I can&#8217;t walk away from all that I love and gives my life worth. I spend all my days asking myself &#8220;what am I to do?&#8221; The real hell for me is that I feel it&#8217;s a self-inflicted wound. I drove my wife to this. Ten plus years of undiagnosed depression (D-Day was the wake-up call) pushed her to do what she wouldn&#8217;t normally consider. <p> Through the haze I lived in for so many years, I see the myriad ways she tried to reach me. I also see the anger she met with on many of her attempts. I think her A was her way of &#8220;putting paid&#8221; to our marriage. Even at this late date she couldn&#8217;t quite leave like that. We&#8217;re not really trying yet but she&#8217;s undecided, it boggles my mind that she would even give me any consideration or the thought of a chance after all those years. All this does is offer further evidence of the depth of the love she had that I destroyed. Add this guilt to the pain I still feel from the loss and the betrayal and it&#8217;s nearly unbearable! <p>In trying to describe my pain to her the other day (After she asked why I had a problem with OM calling while I&#8217;m home). I told her honestly that I would rather experience the pain of her death than what I feel now. I can&#8217;t even say I&#8217;d rather she was dead. The glimmer of hope I still carry won&#8217;t even allow me to hate her too that extent. That and the guilt I feel for inflicting this on us both. Yes, it was her A and she made that call. I husbanded the environment that the seeds of our despair thrived in. <p>Everything hurts&#8230;. Everything is an indictment of my failure as a husband and father. As terrible as my pain is, the guilt of what I did to her is more intense. Many days I feel this is poetic justice for my wrongs&#8230; So&#8230; what do I do with that?