What was the attraction to the OP???? - Marriage Builders® Forums

This may be counterproductive, but I was wondering what your WS seem to like in the OP? Where they younger, thinner, better looking, smarter? What was it that attracted them to the OP? In my case she was 10 years younger, thinner by two sizes and very beautiful. It has made me feel old and unattractive. I guess I just wanted to know if my H fell in the norm?

I think you'll get a wide range of replies, but I think there's probably 2 categories...1. The "physical" stuff, like you describe
2. The "emotional" stuff, like the person pays them more attention, shows more affection, converstation is better, etc.IN GENERAL, WH's probably are attracted by "physical stuff", of which SF is included, mainly because IN GENERAL, these are among most men's top EN's. WW's OTOH are probably generally attracted to "emotional stuff", given that these things are generally women's top EN's.I know this is true of my WW. I've seen OM, and he isn't ultra-attractive or anything. In fact, WW continues to admit how good-looking I am. But the emotional connection affects one's perception of "attractiveness", making "anything possible", so to speak.

I agree with JR.In the case for females, the OM can be very unattractive, but be gorgeous to the WW because her EN's are being met and the "looks" are often overlooked. In some cases, looks are the reason, but not all the time.Like JR said, if needs are ebing met, anythings possible.

Well in my case,the crotch cricket was 2 yrs older then me,and about 65 lbs heaver. I was 48 at the time and 5'3 and weighed 115 lbs. She was 52 and 5'& weighed about 180.Looks have almost nothing to do with it. She $wallowed and that was the attraction however it went on for 15 months.
Almost killed me.

Well in my case the OW was 10 years older, no curves, actually ugly face (looks like a drug addict that hasn't had a fix in weeks), not intelligent, (cannot tie her own shoes), and the queen of LB.My H says he was just crazy and stupid, but I am so sick of hearing it! How can anybody be THAT stupid???
Anybody knows?

husband told me flat out her body!

Speaking as a WW, at the time it was definately my EN! Long story short, H and I had been seperated due to military orders/transfer/kids school schedule. xOM was paying me attention that I hadn't gotten in a very long time! Of course, we have fixed that, and have made it through our current seperation just fine with just a short time till we are together again!Speaking as a BW, most of them were looks, but not age, and the SF was being met for him. We've also worked on that(for my own aversion). I knew 2 of the xOW, and with my poor self image, could easily say they were prettier than me, and definately better "endowed".

She's 7 years older than I am, looks worn out (like a 2-pack a day smoker, although I don't know whether she smokes) tall and large and has big hips. They met on line, and I think she seemed more supportive of him, gave him advice about how to handle the kids (she owned a failed daycare, had been divorced twice, has tax liens-- a great source of life advice, don't you think?).I think it started out as a friendship and progressed at her instigation. My husband says that he thought I didn't care about him. I think that's a self-serving crock.[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: Charynne ]

The OM was not more attractive physically. He was actually heavier, balding, and has a space between his teeth (I guess it works for David Letterman)...but he was a good conversationalist, caring and giving, very sensitive and warm...well, atleast until the rollercoaster started getting to him. As physically attracted as I am to my husband...he has never turned me on like the OM did...so the physical aspect for me had nothing to do with it.

OM for my WW is CFO of the $350M/year corporation I work for. He is my boss and therefore I know him very well. He is good conversationist, outgoing, and used to being the center of attention. He's also an alchoholic, workaholic, womanizer, lier, cheater, and conceded. He has had multiple A's and perfecting his technique with each one. Usually he goes for women without kids and it's usually a short term fling before he goes on to the next victim. She is so far in the fog that she can't see the real person who is leading her down the path of destruction. My wife is very special and I believe that is why he hasn't let her go yet. My mistake is not showing her all along I thought she was special. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

For me it was the fact that he was an old BF. One who I had always wondered about. But never dreamed of having an A with him. It was easy for the embers to be stirred and before long there was a fire. I was like being transported back to being 18 again. He was also attractive and an attorney also. So he had definitely aged well. I know, I know, no excuse. But that is my honest answer. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
1step

I rarely answer these types of posts, because it's been such a long time since I was the OW... plus it always hurt my spirit to even think about it... but no longer... so, here is what drew me to the OP:

He thought like I did - laughed at the same thingsI didn't have to explain or dumb-down what I was sayingHe was the polar opposite of my (then)H - Hair down to his a$$, Hispanic, vacation mentality... unlike my workaholic clean-cut fanatical Christian H (ignore that he was a hypocrite about his religion, which didn't help)

That's it. My (then)H had good attributes too, but they were lost on me by that time.

I've never seen the OW, but from the way H describes her, I know of these differences:She is older, thinner, of a different ethnic group, and less intelligent than I am.H in response to why he was attracted: "She liked me."H explaining why he chose me instead: "She wasn't very intelligent and couldn't keep up with my sense of humor." "You've always been the best I've ever had [sexually] and still are."I wonder if he ever thinks about how much *I* would have liked him if he had ever treated me even half as nice as he treated her. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] What a waste of a M. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

This is what my H told me during his affair with my former best friend:-she was a good listener
-he had already heard all of my 'stories,' hers were all new
-she didn't judge him
-they were both valedictorians! (My favorite)
-she dressed better than me
-she had a more professional career than me
-she was 'content' with her life (that's why she slept with him 6 mos after her wedding to his best friend!)
-she played up her physical assets better than I did
I don't know for sure what he was really feeling, but that is what he told me

I guess there were two reasons that I can hear from WS---she showed him affection
---she made him feel young (OW 27, WS 56)The fact keeps coming up too that there is no pressure. She accepts him for who he is. (I wonder how long that will last LOL---of course, they don't live together. They are still in fantasyland).

Ok I might as well do this. I'll start by saying I haven't a clue what he saw in her other than she pumped his ego and made him feel special. It's easy to overlook someone's flaws when you aren't living with them,OW is older than me by 7 years - 9 years older than my H
OW is short and dumpy - I am tall and thin
OW is a bottle blonde (yellow not a pretty blonde)short hair - I am a bottle auburn, long hair
OW is quiet and shy - I am outgoing and friendlyWe are as opposite as you can get and yet obviously he liked the ego boosts she provided. The very idea of him with her is beyond my wildest dreams.I remember that summer, during their EA, when I had no idea it was going on and I stopped in to see my H. OW was wearing a mini skirt and a sleeveless sweater and that night I said to my H "D is trying to dress like a teenager. I bet if she knew how bad those flabby arms peeking out of that sweater and those chubby legs barely covered by that skirt, she'd change fast." H agreed with me, imagine that.

I'll play.H says OW offered him a lifestyle of business, money and travel. Thought they had the same likes (then found out otherwise). He even said (while in the fog) that under better circumstances he probably would have dated her. Now he says no. As for her physical atributes: OW is 6 years older than H, weighs more than H did at the time (OW about 145 to H's 137). Both weighed more than little ol me. Even though OW is 6" taller than me, he says OW is flat in the chest and I am not that well endowed either. LOL!!! OW's looks are not as nice as mine. He even said the s3x wasnt that great but their talk was very s3xual and I know she enjoyed it because that was their prime objective to hook up.Of course, OW thinks she is worldly wise. So wise that she could not tell when she was prego 3 times. Ws kept saying that this Berkely biology grad was too ignorant about her body to know when she was prego. Right..... anyone buying that line? All in all, he says she really didn't have much to offer. Her overbearing personality makes her difficult to live with. Well he got that one right. How do I know? Her H left her for the same reason. DUH!!!!! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] 
L.[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]

According to x-H:~ OW was innocent and virtuous
~ OW had his son (OC)
~ OW is a SEX machine
~ OW admired him, laughed at his jokes

When I first started talking to ow, I thought she
was so sweet,smart,very attractive,we had so much in common,she was such a good parent, we were convinced we were meant to be together.
She listened to me and cared about me. After 2 years or so, the jealously came out,
the insecurity, the *****ing and moaning about
how I didn't call her enough, etc,. She was constantly having to borrow money from her family
and husbands family. She didn't like it because
my kids came first. She can't balance a checkbook, she's lazy too.

The things that are really important to me now that I came out of the fog, she doesn't have .

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by OnlyHuman:
When I first started talking to ow, I thought she
was so sweet,smart,very attractive,we had so much in common,she was such a good parent, we were convinced we were meant to be together.
She listened to me and cared about me. After 2 years or so, the jealously came out,
the insecurity, the *****ing and moaning about
how I didn't call her enough, etc,. She was constantly having to borrow money from her family
and husbands family. She didn't like it because
my kids came first. She can't balance a checkbook, she's lazy too.

The things that are really important to me now that I came out of the fog, she doesn't have .<hr></blockquote>
Ohhhhh HoooooooRAY!!!!!! Thank you Only Human .... but two years? Why did it take soooooooo long to see her for her true self?

OW - 5'3"
Me - 5'7"OW - 100 lb
Me - 160 lb
(ouch)OW - Long Blonde Hair
Me - Short brown HairOW - Beautiful, a total knock-out
Me - Just averageOW - made him feel special, like a King
Me - buisness partner with home and kidIt seem to me that the physical was the most important. H did say that she attracted him because he was thinking "what would someone that looks like her see in me". H is attractive but no model [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

You know....these posts comparing the OW or OM to ourselves is really not productive.I know how bad it hurts, when I first found out what my H's OW looked like, it was devastating to me - she was 10 years older, much thinner, more sophisticated, more beautiful, yadda yadda.My H also says that sex with her was much better.Bleah. That hurts alot. I don't know that it will ever stop hurting.BUT, honestly, the issue is NOT about who was better looking or better in the sack.The REAL honest issue is how the OP makes the WS feel about themselves. If the OP is good at making the WS feel good about themselves...the rest is incidental. Yes, looks and sex can be part of that, but its not really the main issue and we get far too stuck in that thinking.It's all about attitude folks - it's not about looks or sex.

Ya know... I listed the OM earlier... never even occured to me to list my ex's FIVE OW... geesh... if I compare myself to them, as a conglomeration (sp?) I REALLY couldn't win.There's blond, tan and shortish with an ankle bracelet
And...
blond, tan and tallish with high cheekbones
And...
Fat, short and brownish - I have no IDEA where that one came from
And...
blond, tall, shapely
And finally...
Short, chubby and red hair down to her a$$Put them all together and you have a mutant Ann Margaret. LOLStill, BR is right, it doesn't serve any purpose... and it never makes any sense anyway. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

MY H's OW is 27 years younger than me. I'm 50, she's 23. She weighs more than my H and 2.3 times as much as me. She is homely, uneducated, and crude (lots of foul language, gruff behavior, and loud). The reason my H is with OW instead of me is that she adores him. He has said he wanted me to love him the way OW does. He felt that I never loved him enough. He also feels like she needs him and that I'm too self-sufficient. He says he's sick of me being the healthy one and him being the sick one, him being the bad one and me being the good one. H is also an addict/alcoholic and OW is willing to live with this while I no longer am. Neither of them works - they are living off the money from our company that he no longer helps to run.

First of all I see nothing wrong with this type of post once in awhile. It gives us a chance to vent and tell others of OP's. That is far better then communicating with OP!I have never laid eyes on my WH's OW. I can just tell about what my WH said each time he returned home and what other people tell me.She is not a great looking person, in fact she is short and dumpy. I am on the heavy side also, but I do keep myself looking the best I can (makeup, hair, etc.) and always have. My WH has told me on one of our false recoveries that she likes to control him and thinks she is very "worldly". Guess that means she knows all! I am totally convinced now that since she is so worldy that she as convinced my WH that I am no good for him. My WH has fed this OW so much false information about our relationship that this woman keeps bringing this up to him.On many of our false recoveries my WH said I was better in bed.He has told me that she talks to him. They snuggle up and talk before going to bed. I tried to do this many times only to be turned away. Since my husband never withdrew from her he had to withdraw from me.He also told me that he felt sorry for her. She needed so much done around her house and he helped her. Our place needs lots of work also, but he tells me her place was worse. LOL???? Is this suppose to atract men? Now I am being catapulted into poverty and don't see many home improvement projects happening in the future. WH hardly ever did home improvement projects anyway and I surprised by his sudden "Mr. Handyman" tittle.OW left far away town where her two children live with XH to come after a married man. I have always nurtured and stayed close to my children including driving to and from high school. And college!WH says OW is "wonderful"!That's about all I can think of now.

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Acme:
 What was it that attracted them to the OP? <hr></blockquote> My H was depressed in a mid life crisis. He was saying things like "I don't want repsonsibilities, I just want toparty like when I was in college." OW was 22 years old (he was 35). She very blatantly showed interest, followed him around like a puppy at work, came to him with her "problems" and kept encouraging him to "come out and have some fun" with her (she was a barfly). So he got to be a knight in shining armor, "rescuing" her from her sad, sad life (sniffle) and he got to pretend he was 22 again hanging out in bars and partying. Knight in shining armor started to get old pretty quickly (he realized that a needy and demanding woman isn't very fun) and he soon realized that his "let's go have fun" OW wanted a new Daddy for her kid and for him to support her in the manner to which she wanted to become acustomed. She wasn't better looking, thinner or anything else preferential to me. She was just new/different and very willing.[ April 01, 2002: Message edited by: fairydust ]

The OW is 24 and my WH just turned 40. He very clearly wants to be 19/20 again -- it's all he talks about/what he did then, how his life didn't turn out like he thought at that time. Only pictures in his apartment of are of him in his glory days of mountaineering at age 20-22. OW looks pretty similar to me -- but she's younger. OW adores/worships him and everything he says are words of wisdom in her mind. OW clearly meets some of my WH needs to be admired.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by BrambleRose:
[QB]You know....these posts comparing the OW or OM to ourselves is really not productive.I know how bad it hurts, when I first found out what my H's OW looked like, it was devastating to me - she was 10 years older, much thinner, more sophisticated, more beautiful, yadda yadda.My H also says that sex with her was much better.Bleah. That hurts alot. I don't know that it will ever stop hurting.BUT, honestly, the issue is NOT about who was better looking or better in the sack.The REAL honest issue is how the OP makes the WS feel about themselves. If the OP is good at making the WS feel good about themselves...the rest is incidental. Yes, looks and sex can be part of that, but its not really the main issue and we get far too stuck in that thinking.You have said it best. It serves little or no purpose.
I was OW and WS. I can relate because I always wondered about the W, what was she like, did I look like her, were we opposites,etc. Because I didn't understand at first that it was of no value to me to know. When I discovered that she and I looked very much alike, same eye color, same hair,both quiet and shy, etc. I didn't know what to make of it. Until I discovered it wasn't about looks other than some initial physical attraction. Then on the other side, I knew that my OM looked nothing like my H. My H has good looks that get noticed. My OM is good looking but in a way that grew on me as I got to like him more and more as a person. Suddenly I found his balding cute, his blue eyes were more beautiful than the sky, this height was not so bad (5'8'' compared to 6'0 husband, etc) Sorry, I went off on a tangent. Looks are in the eye of the beholder. Its about how we feel when we're with this person more than anything.
]

I have to agree with JR on this one. My exMM is not more attractive than my H. My H is good looking, and is a good lover (very experimental). They are both about the same height and coloring however. As a matter of fact, when I was starting to get disgruntled with the affair, I started to notice things I did not find attractive (like his hairy back/[censored]!), and he was so full of himself. I began to feel like I was really feeding into that too, pumping his ego. After awhile, I was like if you are so great, how come you can't even get your own wife to f*** you??? At first, I loved making him feel good. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Oh yeah, from what exMM told me about wife, she was much shorter than me and still had her baby weight on. She had blond hair and blue eyes. One thing he told me a lot was he loved my body, and the fact I let him touch it without cringing. I am tall and thin with natural blond hair and blue eyes. He still said she was pretty, and that he loved her. He told me if there was more affection, he wouldn't be straying. That his wife was the person he wanted intimacy and sex with. (Oh yeah, he also said she had A LOT of sexual hangups, don't do this, don't do that). I know now I was sort of a surrogate for what he wasn't getting from his wife. I sometimes felt in his mind when we were having sex, I was his wife, and he was getting out the emotions he wasn't able to show her. Maybe I am over-analyzing, but that is what would go thru my mind sometimes.[ April 01, 2002: Message edited by: findingmywayback ]

She was fun, I was predictable.She was new, I was old.She flirted, I cleaned house.She was huge chested, I'm not.She "wanted" him sexually, I had allowed the fire to go out. (although she never got him sexually).
[img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] She was full of energy and excitement, I was worn out.Basically I thing the A had more to do about what I wasn't than what she was. She gave him attention. I ignored him. 'nuff said.

oh, and she was 15 years OLDER than I was. (But very experienced at initiating affairs as this is her favorite hobby.)

<blockquote>quote:<hr>BR said,
BUT, honestly, the issue is NOT about who was better looking or better in the sack. The REAL honest issue is how the OP makes the WS feel about themselves. If the OP is good at making the WS feel good about themselves...the rest is incidental. Yes, looks and sex can be part of that, but its not really the main issue and we get far too stuck in that thinking. It's all about attitude folks - it's not about looks or sex.<hr></blockquote> Bravo BR. I believe you hit the nail on the head. My OW is much younger than I. She has long blonde hair, and is quite beautiful. BUT, I was already in an EA before I ever laid eyes on her. It was/is all about how she makes me feel during conversation. I must add that OW has the qualities my W used to have. I believe my W still shows these same things to her OMs. She has the ability to make people feel good about themselves....well everyone except for her H that is. Bramblerose is right on target. Looks make very little difference in the end. jd

I actually don't have to write my own post here. I can take a little of this one, and a bit of that. It does all seem to be the same story in ways. What is most telling is that although we may realize that the physical attributes of the OP have little to do with the relationship, we still feel less than, and try to bring it down to a more tangable level. Know what I mean? It is much easier for me to say that she was young, blonde, and thin than it is for me to say that the marriage was in some way defective.Anyway, I'll play cause I still like to dumb it down. Mind you, this only describes the last OW, and does not take into account the crack whores, other OW's, and various hookers and 'exotic dancers'.ME ............... HER
short ............ tall
fat ............... thin
mouse brown .............. blonde
2 kids ............ just a kid herself at 23
tired at home mom ............... interesting working gal
mortgage, bills, taxes ........... bars, beer, dancing
smoking pots from cooking...... smoking pot for a high
wears slippers .............. wears mini skirts
wears big white undies......... thong
c-section scar ............ bikini
stretch marks ............. tatoo
station wagon ............ sports car
wedding ring ............... toe ring
yells at kids ................ yells in passionI could go on for hours, but I think you got the picture...Elizabeth[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: justthewife ]