I am having an affair and want to get out. I am feeling emotionally pulled in. I am praying because I feel so bound. I want to end it but can't. I am married and doing well he isn't. He is separated from his wife and they are unhappy. I am doing well and want to end it before I get more emotionally trapped. I need other to talk to since I have not shared this with anyone I feel so alone and feel so ashamed and dirty about what I have done. Any feed back will be greatly appreciated. Thanks

Goblet,<p>As you are aware this is a marriage building site. If you are looking for surviving the affair and working on improving your M, I recommend that you read the basic concepts section located under the MB logo at the top of this page. Read and take the emotional needs questionnaire, read the book surviving an affair and his needs/her needs. Work on you. Do not try to fix the OM and his M. He can get his own help. <p>You are right about getting out before it gets worse. Emotional Affairs are much harder to break. <p>Read and come back with your comments. <p>L.

Orchid,
This man was my high school sweet heart. He found me through email and foolish me answered. This is how it started. Now 20 years later I am having this emotional affair with him. He is so suave and a charmer and in the process is pulling me down. I tried to stop talking to him but either he calls or I call him (dumb). I was so in love with this man back then and I am still so attracted to him. <p>My husband doesn't suspect anything I want to end it before he does. If he found out my 15 year marriage would come tumbling down I know.<p>Thanks for your post I have read his need her needs. I can't tell my husband about this it would be the end of our marriage. I want to go back to before i started talking to this man. The thought of an affair was one of the last things on my mind.

I think you need to evaluate what you call doing well in your marriage. Did you lose focus that you were in a affair. Somehow you got to this point and I'm quite sure if your husband was aware of what you were doing you would not find things well for yourself. I beleive you need to back out of the affair immediately, and if you say it is hard and blah, blah, then get over it. If your husband and your marriage means anything to you then get out of it immediately. it dosen't matter how hard it is to get out, because if you don't you will find that life is about to get alot harder. After that i would think about going to see a marriage counsellor with the focus that their is something wrong with you that you need to work on to make your marriage work. Potentially through that you can find the strength to let your husband know what you have done and ask for his forgiveness, while also understanding how you could treat him and your marriage as you did. Somehow when you took your marriage vows you did not listen to what you were saying, or forgot to look at him when you were reciting them. The problems the other man is having in his relationship, are mearly excuses you are using to keep up the affair. Sorry but you are entirely in control of your actions, and you must face the consequences. Now it's time to sh%t or get off the pot.

Thanks for being so forthright. I need to read that I need to get out now. I am working on, I really am. I turned to this board for some support as I have read so many posts that are helpful to the person posting. What I want is someone to discuss this with that can help talk me through the difficult part of breaking this off emotionally. As I end it I will work on the why's of this affair so I can repair areas of my marriage that I find are not being met. Thanks to all for your posts.

Do you want the affair or your marriage.
Why is he seperated from his wife?
Does she know?
What are you getting out of this affair?
Is this your first affair?
Is it a PA or EA?<p>I think if you can find out what needs are being met with the affair, you can have a good start working on yourself and your marriage.

Goblet,
Can I help? I too had an affair with an old HS sweetheart. Actually post HS, but close enough. <p>So if you feel you need to discuss specifics with this kind of A. Let me know. Not that it's that it's any different than any other type of affair. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who has been though a similar experience.<p>We can discuss here or you can email me. My address is in my sig line. <p>There are a lot of good people here. I don't post much, but I do lurk quite a bit. It is good that you are reaching out now. I know the feeling of wanting out but not quite knowing how to do it. <p>Let me know if I can help.
1step

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by goblet:
<strong>Orchid,
This man was my high school sweet heart. He found me through email and foolish me answered. This is how it started. Now 20 years later I am having this emotional affair with him. He is so suave and a charmer and in the process is pulling me down. I tried to stop talking to him but either he calls or I call him (dumb). I was so in love with this man back then and I am still so attracted to him. <p>My husband doesn't suspect anything I want to end it before he does. If he found out my 15 year marriage would come tumbling down I know.<p>Thanks for your post I have read his need her needs. I can't tell my husband about this it would be the end of our marriage. I want to go back to before i started talking to this man. The thought of an affair was one of the last things on my mind.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks goblet for taking these brave steps to seek help. I am very short on time so I will be brief.<p>How sure are you that your H would end the marriage?<p>Was your relationship with the OM EA or EA/PA?<p>It sounds like to was only EA. If so, I see no reason for your H to want to end the marriage; especially if you tell him the truth in a manner that lets him know:<p>You are sorry.
That you want to stop.
That you want to be with your H.
That you are willing to do whatever it takes to recover.
And that you would like his help to establish no contact with the OM.<p>Best of luck to ya and I will check in with your tomorrow.

Do you want the affair or your marriage.
I want my marriage

Why is he seperated from his wife?
He left the house almost a year ago and they have been trying to get back together since that's all I know <p>Does she know?
no she doesn't know<p>What are you getting out of this affair?
I can't put a finger on it <p>Is this your first affair?
yes<p>Is it a PA or EA?
started out ea now it's a PA also

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Mr. Bunky:
<strong><p>Thanks goblet for taking these brave steps to seek help. I am very short on time so I will be brief.<p>How sure are you that your H would end the
marriage?<p>*He has told me that if I were ever unfaithful he would leave me no questins asked.<p>Was your relationship with the OM EA or EA/PA?
*EA/PT<p>
Best of luck to ya and I will check in with your tomorrow.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>* Thanks for your post I need support to break this off.

Goblet; you may not want to hear this; but I think if you start thinking about it now, and start working on it, you may be able to save your marriage.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> It is not the truth that will destroy your marriage, but the affair and all the deceit that goes with it. Your spouse has a right to know this information and it is cruel and manipulative to withhold it from him. This is information about HIS life that he needs to know. He has a right to make an informed decision about his own life.<p>You need to put his well being before your fear of consequences and tell him the truth.
The only hope you have of recovery is to tell him the truth, otherwise, your marriage will disintegrate from the lack of intimacy caused by deceit.<p>Here is what Dr. Harley says about it: <p>
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.
Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse. <p>But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy. <p>It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity. <p>It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth. <p>It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed. <p>After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better. <p>The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.<p>If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair. <p>How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.<p>
<hr></blockquote>

Goblet, you will get lots of help with MB. You're in a tough situation. I am the BS and my WH told me about the affair vs me finding out or "catching" him. <p>Having read so much on this website one thing that has struck me is that "once your affair has seen the light of day, by you telling your husband; it will quickly end." I sincerely recommend that you make at least 1 counseling appointment with Steve Harley.<p>He is very kind to WS and I think he can really help you at this stage of your situation. You need to get Surviving an Affair. That book has lots of answers for you. It's going to take courage on your part; but if you don't "get honest" with your husband and tell him about the affair, your marriage can't possibly succeed.<p>My WH telling me about his A gave me answers to many many puzzling/crazy things that had been happening during his A. I was totally blown away when he told me; but at the same time gave me a little peace because it explained so many of his actions that he didn't even realize he was doing that had caused me pain. Hope this helps, CSue

So if you want ot get out of the affair, help me to understand what is so hard to say that it, it's over, and no more contact. Is it something you are scared of, or what is it that is so hard. The affair makes you feel good for now, but what is it that is keeping you there. Something that this man gives you that your husband can't? Are you scared that if your husband finds out and gives up on your marriage that you won't be able to live on your own? What is it that makes it hard to get out, please help me to understand. I was on the side of the coin where my wife had a affair, I do not understadn why, what, who, or anything. Things were tough at home, but never tough enough to step outside my marriage for a affair. If things were tough at home why didn't you separate for a while or get a divorce? You have been there, you know why you got to the point you did.

you are not giving 100% to your marriage if you are in an EA/PA.. If you want your marriage you can't have both men. Do you really know this HS sweetheart from 20 years ago? I'm happy you are here, there's alot of people here to help you. <p>Do you have a family with your H?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by aopa:
<strong>you are not giving 100% to your marriage if you are in an EA/PA.. If you want your marriage you can't have both men. Do you really know this HS sweetheart from 20 years ago? I'm happy you are here, there's alot of people here to help you. <p>Do you have a family with your H?</strong><hr></blockquote>
I am writing a letter to this man telling him not to contact me because it's over. My H is a good guy and calls me to tell me he misses me. He doesn't deserve this I know. My H is out of town on busines and returns in a few days. I have plans to spend some time with some girlfriends to keep my mind occupied to H gets home. Once he gets back we are together 24/7 so it should better. I am glad I posted here it has helped me to write to other and read your posts. I think I felt more trapped when I felt all alone and couldn't get it out in the open.

Yes this man was my boyfriend in HS 20 years ago and he is staying in the past this is rediculous I know it is. <p>Yes I have one child who is 11 yrs old.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lost in space:
<strong>So if you want ot get out of the affair, help me to understand what is so hard to say that it, it's over, and no more contact. Is it something you are scared of, or what is it that is so hard. The affair makes you feel good for now, but what is it that is keeping you there. Something that this man gives you that your husband can't? Are you scared that if your husband finds out and gives up on your marriage that you won't be able to live on your own? What is it that makes it hard to get out, please help me to understand. I was on the side of the coin where my wife had a affair, I do not understadn why, what, who, or anything. Things were tough at home, but never tough enough to step outside my marriage for a affair. If things were tough at home why didn't you separate for a while or get a divorce? You have been there, you know why you got to the point you did.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I can't give u an answer it's all psychological I know. It's an emotional attachment. I am planning on telling him it's over I have so much to loose and most importantly my H admiration (it's a long story) What I did was foolish and I have learned a valuable lesson from all this. If it doesn't get started I don't have to worry about it. Never again will I get into this predicament. My life was so much simpler before this.

I don't believe you have any idea how complicated it is yet. At present things are secretive, when people start to find out, unless you immediately bite this in the %ss, then it gets ugly. And then the lessons get learned. I'm sorry, but based on your reply that it is psychological, I have to question if you really have learned anything yet. This is a totally anonomous site, and if you feel the need not to share the issues that got you into this situation here, it is hard to help you. Somehow between this site or a counsellor you need to talk about what is wrong with you, because there is something wrong with you. You somehow have lost the ability to reason and understand how another person feels or can hurt. You have taken the most sacred thing two people can share and ripped it apart at the seems that make it sacred. You have placed your own feeling, and wants ahead of your husbands, childs, families and friends. Through all this you became so self centered that all that really mattered was youself. This is why I asked the questions in the previous notes, you need to find out how/why you could lose focus on all those that loved and cared about you and get yourself into this situation. Once you get the relationship broke off with this man, adn you come clean with your husband, which you owe him after you made marriage committments to him, he is going to start to wonder why. If you choose to lay blame on him at this point, you will be entirely wrong. Things go wrong in relationships all the time, that dosen't justify having an affair when the going gets tough. You were the one that ran away into another mans arms when something went awry. For this you will need to know why, be able to explain this to him, and have him understand what role he played to a small degree, but largely what is wrong with your thought patterns. If my wife came back, the only way I would want to work on things would be to have her understand why she did what she did,a nd for her to be able to resolve those issues so it would not happen again. I know the role I played, and would be willing to change them in the interest of making our relationship work. She would have no need to let me know what I did wrong, I have had more then enough time to think about that, as will your husband when he finds out. Good luck.

Take it easy, Lost in Space. She's trying to come to grips with this, finding a way to deal with it and you can't expect her to miraculously have all the right answers immediately.<p>Goblet,
you have to work through this. There are many wise and experienced people here who can help you and are willing to do that. Don't despair; there is a light at the end of the tunnel, although you may not see it yet.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Spacecase:
<strong>It is not the truth that will destroy your marriage, but the affair and all the deceit that goes with it. Your spouse has a right to know this information and it is cruel and manipulative to withhold it from him. This is information about HIS life that he needs to know. He has a right to make an informed decision about his own life.
You need to put his well being before your fear of consequences and tell him the truth.
The only hope you have of recovery is to tell him the truth, otherwise, your marriage will disintegrate from the lack of intimacy caused by deceit.<p> </strong><hr></blockquote><p>LOL, Spacecase,I have been sitting with my mouth open in amazement at how familiar the above words look and it hit me that those are my very words! Did you save them from another post?

If you like we can help edit the letter with you.
Good Luck

No contact letter...You are doing the right thing. That is the best place to start. SOoooo many WS are dragged kicking and screaming to write that letter. The fact that you are doing before you even tell your H is a good thing.<p>Goblet, if possible, find a way for you to enter counseling. If you can't trust that your H will give you the privacy to do so without him demanding to know why, I would recommend that you do so without his knowledge (just temporarily). A counselor can help you not only end the A, they can also help you to prepare for the withdrawal you will experience and how to tell your H and recover your marriage.<p>You should know that there may be nothing you can do to save your marriage -- that your H may indeed end it and never look back. I hope you will respect him enough to give him that honest choice. Don't force him to live a lie the rest of his life by not telling him the truth.<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: Mr. Bunky ]</p>

Mr Bunky is right, if your H wants to end the marriage because of the A, why shouldn't he have that right? You can't make that decision for him, it's HIS life. It is in *HIS* best interest to know about the affair so that he can take steps to protect himself from you. This is information about his life that he has a right to know. The harm won't come in telling him, the harm came from the A and all the subsequent deceit. He needs to know this.

MelodyLane:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> LOL, Spacecase,I have been sitting with my mouth open in amazement at how familiar the above words look and it hit me that those are my very words! Did you save them from another post?<p> <hr></blockquote><p>They probably are yours ML, I copied a post that had that as well as an extensive quote about the truth by Dr. Harley and I post the whole thing whnever it comes up. This has been a VERY MAJOR issue for me, and I have strong feelings about it. I'll add your by-line to it! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Another good quote about revealing the truth:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Excerpt from “To Tell or not To Tell”
by Peggy Vaughan<p>People who have had an affair often wonder whether or not they should tell their spouse. Every person must make this "to tell or not to tell" decision for themselves. However, there are some factors to consider that might not at first be obvious. While there's an understandable caution about the potential risk of telling about an affair, there's also a risk if it's "not" disclosed. In marriages where affairs are kept secret, certain topics of discussion are avoided because the deceiving partner fears being discovered and the other is reluctant to appear suspicious. This causes many relationships to be dominated by dishonesty and deception. It's doubtful that a couple can keep something like this hidden for the rest of their lives without a terrible strain developing. A large part of the high divorce rate may be due to the alienation caused by the dishonesty inherent in affairs, even if the affairs are never confronted. So it may be that there is no escape from the pain, regardless of whether the affair is kept hidden or exposed. <p>This is not meant to diminish the pain of finding out. But one of the advantages of volunteering the information about an affair instead of waiting until it's unexpectedly discovered is that it allows a degree of preparation that can significantly reduce the pain of finding out. The person doing the telling has a responsibility to take steps to increase the likelihood that the disclosure will lead to building a closer relationship rather than tearing it apart. First of all, they need to be motivated by a desire to improve the relationship, not a desire to unload their feelings of guilt. They also need to be prepared to hang in and work through their partner's reactions to the information, regardless of what those reactions may be.
<hr></blockquote>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Lost in space:
[QB] You have placed your own feeling, and wants ahead of your husbands, childs, families and friends.
*You are right lost in space I have been selfish and thinking of self. I have sent the OM an email telling him it's over not to contact me again. My H returns home soon and I can work on repairing our marriage.<p>Through all this you became so self centered that all that really mattered was youself.<p>*Yes it's hard to read this about me but you are correct in what you wrote. Thx for being so straight we me. It has difinetely helped me see that I need to get out and think of others in my family.

Goblet, In the Harley book Surviving an Affair, is a great NO CONTACT Letter. The wording is such that there are no doors to the A left open! If the e-mail you sent doesn't work and there is new contact from OM; consider the Harley Letter. <p>You are on your way! It may not be my place to say this but, "I'm proud of you!"<p>Sorry others are tough; but it is relevant to the pain they are feeling about their own situations. The impact of my H's Affair has been worse to deal with than my mothers death. The only worse thing I can imagine dealing with in my life is death of a child.<p>A belief of mine is that "Everyone does the very best they can, at the time; given their circumstances. Good Luck! CSue

Thanks for the location of letter in case mine doesn't work. I am praying that it will work. <p>I kind of thought that some of their pain was being expressed and that's ok with me. It's there honest answers that have helped me in such short time to see the light. I really needed to hear that from others and I have definitely gotten it here. <p>I would love to go back to Feb of this year a delete that email he originally sent me. Since that can't be done I am doing the next thing by ending it now. Again thanks for all the support it means a world to me.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by CSue:
<strong>Goblet, In the Harley book Surviving an Affair, is a great NO CONTACT Letter. The wording is such that there are no doors to the A left open! If the e-mail you sent doesn't work and there is new contact from OM; consider the Harley Letter. <p>You are on your way! It may not be my place to say this but, "I'm proud of you!"<p>Sorry others are tough; but it is relevant to the pain they are feeling about their own situations. The impact of my H's Affair has been worse to deal with than my mothers death. The only worse thing I can imagine dealing with in my life is death of a child.<p>A belief of mine is that "Everyone does the very best they can, at the time; given their circumstances. Good Luck! CSue</strong><hr></blockquote>

Goblet have you thought about how you are going to handle the next step of talking to your husband about what has happened. If he knows that you recognize your mistake, still love him, and will do anything to make the marriage work as a starting point, it will give him something to work from. This does not mean that he will not immediately pull away from you and even do some things or say some things that are very hurtful. Unfortunately this will be the way that his anger may come out. Is very likley he will not trust you in even the slightest fashion either. He may do some things that seem really upsetting to you, but as long as he is not abusive you have the choice to accept or to push back. If you push back, he will not tak ethis very well, as presently his trust will be at a all time low, and until he can come to grips with what has happened he will act in some very unpredictive ways. For yourself just beware of where his anger may take himself. Hopefully he will keep good control of this, but when people mess with others minds in this type of way, it can really screw a person up. I am not trying to frighten you, only let you know that this is very serious business, and a very small amount of people do not react to these things in a sane fashion. Also did the other man reply to your E-mail, and was he receptive to the request. Now immediately delete his e-mail address from your computer, adn instruct yourself not to e-mail him at all. This is a discpline you need to demonstrate for all those people you pushed aside while you chose to have this affair. Good luck.