No contact letter...You are doing the right thing. That is the best place to start. SOoooo many WS are dragged kicking and screaming to write that letter. The fact that you are doing before you even tell your H is a good thing.<p>Goblet, if possible, find a way for you to enter counseling. If you can't trust that your H will give you the privacy to do so without him demanding to know why, I would recommend that you do so without his knowledge (just temporarily). A counselor can help you not only end the A, they can also help you to prepare for the withdrawal you will experience and how to tell your H and recover your marriage.<p>You should know that there may be nothing you can do to save your marriage -- that your H may indeed end it and never look back. I hope you will respect him enough to give him that honest choice. Don't force him to live a lie the rest of his life by not telling him the truth.<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: Mr. Bunky ]</p>

Mr Bunky is right, if your H wants to end the marriage because of the A, why shouldn't he have that right? You can't make that decision for him, it's HIS life. It is in *HIS* best interest to know about the affair so that he can take steps to protect himself from you. This is information about his life that he has a right to know. The harm won't come in telling him, the harm came from the A and all the subsequent deceit. He needs to know this.

MelodyLane:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> LOL, Spacecase,I have been sitting with my mouth open in amazement at how familiar the above words look and it hit me that those are my very words! Did you save them from another post?<p> <hr></blockquote><p>They probably are yours ML, I copied a post that had that as well as an extensive quote about the truth by Dr. Harley and I post the whole thing whnever it comes up. This has been a VERY MAJOR issue for me, and I have strong feelings about it. I'll add your by-line to it! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Another good quote about revealing the truth:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Excerpt from “To Tell or not To Tell”
by Peggy Vaughan<p>People who have had an affair often wonder whether or not they should tell their spouse. Every person must make this "to tell or not to tell" decision for themselves. However, there are some factors to consider that might not at first be obvious. While there's an understandable caution about the potential risk of telling about an affair, there's also a risk if it's "not" disclosed. In marriages where affairs are kept secret, certain topics of discussion are avoided because the deceiving partner fears being discovered and the other is reluctant to appear suspicious. This causes many relationships to be dominated by dishonesty and deception. It's doubtful that a couple can keep something like this hidden for the rest of their lives without a terrible strain developing. A large part of the high divorce rate may be due to the alienation caused by the dishonesty inherent in affairs, even if the affairs are never confronted. So it may be that there is no escape from the pain, regardless of whether the affair is kept hidden or exposed. <p>This is not meant to diminish the pain of finding out. But one of the advantages of volunteering the information about an affair instead of waiting until it's unexpectedly discovered is that it allows a degree of preparation that can significantly reduce the pain of finding out. The person doing the telling has a responsibility to take steps to increase the likelihood that the disclosure will lead to building a closer relationship rather than tearing it apart. First of all, they need to be motivated by a desire to improve the relationship, not a desire to unload their feelings of guilt. They also need to be prepared to hang in and work through their partner's reactions to the information, regardless of what those reactions may be.
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by Lost in space:
[QB] You have placed your own feeling, and wants ahead of your husbands, childs, families and friends.
*You are right lost in space I have been selfish and thinking of self. I have sent the OM an email telling him it's over not to contact me again. My H returns home soon and I can work on repairing our marriage.<p>Through all this you became so self centered that all that really mattered was youself.<p>*Yes it's hard to read this about me but you are correct in what you wrote. Thx for being so straight we me. It has difinetely helped me see that I need to get out and think of others in my family.

Goblet, In the Harley book Surviving an Affair, is a great NO CONTACT Letter. The wording is such that there are no doors to the A left open! If the e-mail you sent doesn't work and there is new contact from OM; consider the Harley Letter. <p>You are on your way! It may not be my place to say this but, "I'm proud of you!"<p>Sorry others are tough; but it is relevant to the pain they are feeling about their own situations. The impact of my H's Affair has been worse to deal with than my mothers death. The only worse thing I can imagine dealing with in my life is death of a child.<p>A belief of mine is that "Everyone does the very best they can, at the time; given their circumstances. Good Luck! CSue

Thanks for the location of letter in case mine doesn't work. I am praying that it will work. <p>I kind of thought that some of their pain was being expressed and that's ok with me. It's there honest answers that have helped me in such short time to see the light. I really needed to hear that from others and I have definitely gotten it here. <p>I would love to go back to Feb of this year a delete that email he originally sent me. Since that can't be done I am doing the next thing by ending it now. Again thanks for all the support it means a world to me.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by CSue:
<strong>Goblet, In the Harley book Surviving an Affair, is a great NO CONTACT Letter. The wording is such that there are no doors to the A left open! If the e-mail you sent doesn't work and there is new contact from OM; consider the Harley Letter. <p>You are on your way! It may not be my place to say this but, "I'm proud of you!"<p>Sorry others are tough; but it is relevant to the pain they are feeling about their own situations. The impact of my H's Affair has been worse to deal with than my mothers death. The only worse thing I can imagine dealing with in my life is death of a child.<p>A belief of mine is that "Everyone does the very best they can, at the time; given their circumstances. Good Luck! CSue</strong><hr></blockquote>

Goblet have you thought about how you are going to handle the next step of talking to your husband about what has happened. If he knows that you recognize your mistake, still love him, and will do anything to make the marriage work as a starting point, it will give him something to work from. This does not mean that he will not immediately pull away from you and even do some things or say some things that are very hurtful. Unfortunately this will be the way that his anger may come out. Is very likley he will not trust you in even the slightest fashion either. He may do some things that seem really upsetting to you, but as long as he is not abusive you have the choice to accept or to push back. If you push back, he will not tak ethis very well, as presently his trust will be at a all time low, and until he can come to grips with what has happened he will act in some very unpredictive ways. For yourself just beware of where his anger may take himself. Hopefully he will keep good control of this, but when people mess with others minds in this type of way, it can really screw a person up. I am not trying to frighten you, only let you know that this is very serious business, and a very small amount of people do not react to these things in a sane fashion. Also did the other man reply to your E-mail, and was he receptive to the request. Now immediately delete his e-mail address from your computer, adn instruct yourself not to e-mail him at all. This is a discpline you need to demonstrate for all those people you pushed aside while you chose to have this affair. Good luck.