Jesus Christ, OW # 3!!!! Calling WAT, and anyone who still remembers me - 09/14/02 07:09 AM
I'm writing this in a state of total shock and depression, so please bear with me, I need someone, anyone, to talk to me now ....
Sorry, I'm probably going to babble, since I'm not composed at all. I'll try to resume in short past 5 years of my life since the first D Day, with OW1. Compared to what happened afterwards, OW1 was harmless flinge - that R stopped almost immediately after DDay, infact H told me himself he was seeing someone when it was already over and he dealt with it in his head. It was that he recognised emotions for someone else, and was all confused about that - the OW also told him he mixed up things, she wanted to be friend with him but he was sorta falling for her, so she broke it up and did NC on him. We had a great marriage before that, very close, honest and loving relationship... I was so shocked learning about the A, that I slammed the door two weeks after D Day and said I wanted D. H did everything under the sun to win me back and recover, he was showering me with love and care sometimes to the extent that I just had it too much and had to tell him so. Well, two years later I got over it completely, and felt like trust and honesty turned back into our marriage - I felt safe and loved again. NOT FOR LONG, THOUGH.
Early Feb 2000, something was wrong again - just the gut feeling - H withdrew again, became distant and not always accountable for his time.
After two months, I had it enough, couldn't figure out what was going on, and decided to snoop first time in our the almost 16year long history. Soon enough, I found there is OW #2 in the picture. What happened later was beyond my worst dreams, and took me two years of life. H fell for 31 yo bull-eyed ugly bimbo, who already wrecked 2 marriages before, but was never married herself. For those who don't remeber my story, he broke completely, attempted suicide, ended up in mental hospital for 1 month, and left home afterwards, to live in BIL's appartment for 7 months, allegidly to find out what he wants. He never stopped contact with me and D.
Dec 2000, OW2 was diagnosed stage 3c ovarian cancer, had radical surgery and chemos. Now she's doing fine, but is only some 14 months in remission. God knows what future brings for her. H returned home early Feb 2001, and although working with OW #2 I thought we were doing some progress. Untill last week, he was mostly accountable for his time, was on time from work, spending more and more of weekends and free time with me and D. He was doing carpentry at home (that's what he always liked) and giving more effort to M - at least I thought so. However, you know that gut feeling - I just knew something was wrong again, and I couldn't prevent myself from snooping again.
He knows I'm a computer expert, but oddly enough he didn't make it very hard for me to find out that he has secret e-mail account (had printout of one of her messages in his bag!) I tried my lucky guess - and Bingo! - he used the same password as for the one I knew for (the one he gave me a password for, now I know that was fake attempt to be honest)! What I found there was soooo disturbing I couldn't sleep the whole night. Hot, sexy messages, her pictures, and pretty detailed description what they would like to do to each other! He saved ALL his replies too, so I could track everything! From what I read, it doidn't turn to PA yet, simply because they had no chance to make it by now (seems it started very recently), but they both expressed they hope it's going to happen soon and are very much looking foreward to that! And, yes, again, it is a co-worker: 3 OWs, all from the same company (and it is a Government institution!)
I forwarded all mails to my account, printed it out and saved. My first urge was to confront H and kick him out immediately when he came home Thursday evening, just two hours after discovery. I didn't, and pretended to be normal, only because I wanted to have some more info. Now I do: she's married, with kids (don't know how many), and according to my friend who knows her, enjoys when she can turn men's heads. She offered herself very openly to my H, and my friend says she even showed up once on their colleague's funeral in mini-skirt and tiny shirt that looked more like underware. Well, I know her address, cell phone #, but not her H's name (she might be living with MIL and FIL, so the name to which is the phone registered could be her FIL's, not H's.)
H is on a business trip till Sunday late evening, but he goes for another one immediately next morning (abroad) and will be away till Friday 20th Sept, 11 pm. I thought I should confront him and kick him out this time, maybe already now on Sunday, send copies of e-mails to her H, and a very cynical e-mail to her, letting her know that I know for them. I think that he thinks he can get away with it easily because I already had forgave him twice and did my best to rebuild marriage. Is it time now to really play tough game and make him learn the hard way?? Now I recognise a pattern in his behaviour, he's very attracted to mind games and can be easily seduced by someone who is good on words and mind games. Although hes almost 39, he is still immature, acting like a teenager, and I'm beginning to think it's simply a character flow I cannot do much about, only to decide can I live with it or not. Oh yes, and he is a big time conflict avoider.
In this past 18 months after separation, he mentioned divorce only once, almost a year ago, in very angry state, but never moved forward with it. Now he openly says he feels good and happy at home and doesn't want to leave, in past year he was investing into new house appliances, repairing, and was making plans for our future. If I mentioned I feel insecure about his contacts with OW2, he kept telling me "Will you ever stop thinking about it? Let go, there's nothing there any more, and you're going to torture yourself with that until you decide to stop. I'm here, don't you see it?"
On the other hand, I kept stumbling on small, sometimes bigger lies - all the time. And honesty is my EN No.1.
If I had to describe our M now (until new discovery), I could honestly say it was more of a good than bad. And yes, I still want it. But I cannot live with lies, dishonesty and disrespect any more, that will kill me very soon.
If I divorce now, I will be in serious financial trouble, and most probably will not be able to support myself and D. With two salaries we can make it. Not easily, but we can. D is fully on my side, she's almost 15, and wants to stay with me.
Thank you for reading such a long post.
Please, help me with your thoughts.
Love,
Adrian
Sorry, I'm probably going to babble, since I'm not composed at all. I'll try to resume in short past 5 years of my life since the first D Day, with OW1. Compared to what happened afterwards, OW1 was harmless flinge - that R stopped almost immediately after DDay, infact H told me himself he was seeing someone when it was already over and he dealt with it in his head. It was that he recognised emotions for someone else, and was all confused about that - the OW also told him he mixed up things, she wanted to be friend with him but he was sorta falling for her, so she broke it up and did NC on him. We had a great marriage before that, very close, honest and loving relationship... I was so shocked learning about the A, that I slammed the door two weeks after D Day and said I wanted D. H did everything under the sun to win me back and recover, he was showering me with love and care sometimes to the extent that I just had it too much and had to tell him so. Well, two years later I got over it completely, and felt like trust and honesty turned back into our marriage - I felt safe and loved again. NOT FOR LONG, THOUGH.
Early Feb 2000, something was wrong again - just the gut feeling - H withdrew again, became distant and not always accountable for his time.
After two months, I had it enough, couldn't figure out what was going on, and decided to snoop first time in our the almost 16year long history. Soon enough, I found there is OW #2 in the picture. What happened later was beyond my worst dreams, and took me two years of life. H fell for 31 yo bull-eyed ugly bimbo, who already wrecked 2 marriages before, but was never married herself. For those who don't remeber my story, he broke completely, attempted suicide, ended up in mental hospital for 1 month, and left home afterwards, to live in BIL's appartment for 7 months, allegidly to find out what he wants. He never stopped contact with me and D.
Dec 2000, OW2 was diagnosed stage 3c ovarian cancer, had radical surgery and chemos. Now she's doing fine, but is only some 14 months in remission. God knows what future brings for her. H returned home early Feb 2001, and although working with OW #2 I thought we were doing some progress. Untill last week, he was mostly accountable for his time, was on time from work, spending more and more of weekends and free time with me and D. He was doing carpentry at home (that's what he always liked) and giving more effort to M - at least I thought so. However, you know that gut feeling - I just knew something was wrong again, and I couldn't prevent myself from snooping again.
He knows I'm a computer expert, but oddly enough he didn't make it very hard for me to find out that he has secret e-mail account (had printout of one of her messages in his bag!) I tried my lucky guess - and Bingo! - he used the same password as for the one I knew for (the one he gave me a password for, now I know that was fake attempt to be honest)! What I found there was soooo disturbing I couldn't sleep the whole night. Hot, sexy messages, her pictures, and pretty detailed description what they would like to do to each other! He saved ALL his replies too, so I could track everything! From what I read, it doidn't turn to PA yet, simply because they had no chance to make it by now (seems it started very recently), but they both expressed they hope it's going to happen soon and are very much looking foreward to that! And, yes, again, it is a co-worker: 3 OWs, all from the same company (and it is a Government institution!)
I forwarded all mails to my account, printed it out and saved. My first urge was to confront H and kick him out immediately when he came home Thursday evening, just two hours after discovery. I didn't, and pretended to be normal, only because I wanted to have some more info. Now I do: she's married, with kids (don't know how many), and according to my friend who knows her, enjoys when she can turn men's heads. She offered herself very openly to my H, and my friend says she even showed up once on their colleague's funeral in mini-skirt and tiny shirt that looked more like underware. Well, I know her address, cell phone #, but not her H's name (she might be living with MIL and FIL, so the name to which is the phone registered could be her FIL's, not H's.)
H is on a business trip till Sunday late evening, but he goes for another one immediately next morning (abroad) and will be away till Friday 20th Sept, 11 pm. I thought I should confront him and kick him out this time, maybe already now on Sunday, send copies of e-mails to her H, and a very cynical e-mail to her, letting her know that I know for them. I think that he thinks he can get away with it easily because I already had forgave him twice and did my best to rebuild marriage. Is it time now to really play tough game and make him learn the hard way?? Now I recognise a pattern in his behaviour, he's very attracted to mind games and can be easily seduced by someone who is good on words and mind games. Although hes almost 39, he is still immature, acting like a teenager, and I'm beginning to think it's simply a character flow I cannot do much about, only to decide can I live with it or not. Oh yes, and he is a big time conflict avoider.
In this past 18 months after separation, he mentioned divorce only once, almost a year ago, in very angry state, but never moved forward with it. Now he openly says he feels good and happy at home and doesn't want to leave, in past year he was investing into new house appliances, repairing, and was making plans for our future. If I mentioned I feel insecure about his contacts with OW2, he kept telling me "Will you ever stop thinking about it? Let go, there's nothing there any more, and you're going to torture yourself with that until you decide to stop. I'm here, don't you see it?"
On the other hand, I kept stumbling on small, sometimes bigger lies - all the time. And honesty is my EN No.1.
If I had to describe our M now (until new discovery), I could honestly say it was more of a good than bad. And yes, I still want it. But I cannot live with lies, dishonesty and disrespect any more, that will kill me very soon.
If I divorce now, I will be in serious financial trouble, and most probably will not be able to support myself and D. With two salaries we can make it. Not easily, but we can. D is fully on my side, she's almost 15, and wants to stay with me.
Thank you for reading such a long post.
Please, help me with your thoughts.
Love,
Adrian