need help w/ my WW's withdral - 07/02/05 05:43 PM
Hello all, this will be a long post. Please forgive typos.
I'm fairly new to this board, but I could sure use some help.
The story of how my wife and I got to where we are is very long and sordid. I'll try to be brief. We've been married for 12.5 years and have three beautiful daughters. In that time I've almost always been in some form of college, and for the last 9 years, I've been employed full time (as an engineer). I'm now nearly finished with my 3rd degree... a law degree.
I recently found out that I've had a shallow but increasingly severe depression since I had cancer at 15, and I found that out when I became suicidal about 4 weeks ago when I realized that my marriage was about to fail.
About 3 months ago, my wife came up to me and asked me what I knew about swinging. We had always had a wild fantasy component of our sex life... it seemed to be the onlything that would help her get in the mood. I figured... hey, we've got a good marriage, and as long as we're in it together, more sex would mean more fun.
However, that's not exactly how it worked out. Being employed full time and going to school in the evening, I didn't have much time to seek out additonal sex partners, and I figured we'd find a couple good couples soon enough. My wife, a stay-at-home-mom was less patient, and she was actively sex-chatting with many different guys.
Long story short, what I though was going to be a mutual relationship activity, turned into an "open marriage" which is what I told her I didn't want, and by open, I really mean, she was the only one using the door. In two months, she had been with about 7 different people. All but one, I knew about.
That one, was a fellow who had always chatted with her about cooking and mundane things. I knew they had met but my wife told me adamantly that he wasn't her type... That was the first time she had lied to me about her activities, and she lied because she knew she was already falling in love with him.
A couple weeks later, I was trying hard to be attractive to her... being more assertive in bed, losing weight, trying to dress nicer, but althouth we were having sex very regularly, something wasn't right. We went to a "swingers" night club in our town and had agreed that the basic rule was "no new single guys." Of course, there were almost no couples there, and my wife started to get drunk and when she left me to get a new drink I found her a few minutes later at the bar sitting on a guy's lap.
I was furious. One thing led to another, and I stormed out of the club. We text-messaged each other for a while and then I drove off without her... only to have to come back to pay the bar-tab. I eventually got her to come home with me.
On the drive home we came to a truce, I appologized for blowing my lid, and I though we were just about ok. When we got home, she acted interested in me, we had sex, and as soon as we were done, she got up and sneered at me that I was only upset that she was having more fun than me, and that all I wanted was sex. That wasn't true. I do love my wife.
Spite sex... It broke my heart. I couldn't stand it. Eventually I told her I wanted a divorce. She didn't respond. I didn't want one, but I wanted her to know how hurt I felt. The next day, she was cold to me, and I tried to make up with her, but eventually she told me she was actually ok with the idea of a divorce. That she didn't love me and hadn't for most of our marriage. I was broken, and that's when my depression came to a head and I became suicidal.
I ended up in a partial hospitilization program and my mother-in-law took the kids to give my wife some breathing room. She used it. That's when she started sleeping around behind my back. While I was in the hospital that first week, she slept with 3 guys, and met up with the one she had fallen in love with, though they didn't have the opportunity to have sex then. That weekend, I overheard her on the phone having a fight with her mother saying that if she were in my wife's place, of course she'd be thinking abou leaving too. Her mother asked her point blank if she were having an affair, and she denied it.
We eventually made up and she agreed to give "us" another try... a year in which to see if my treatment and antidepressant medication could help me become the husband she needed. That's when she confessed having had sex... "meaningless sex" with those three guys. That night at church, I repented for all I had done, and thought my wife did too. Lots of tears.
Two days later she confessed the "rest" that is, that she had met with the fellow, and that she had feelings for him but was now certain it wasn't love, and it was over.
I learned later that he had gone out of town with his live-in gf and my wife was so jealous that she though she was over him.
All the while, my wife had not stopped sex-chatting with all sorts of folks. She was putting on "shows" with her web-cam, while I was at the hospital and/or at work, after I was able to go back. She even met a fellow and gave him oral sex. Of course, she didn't mention it.
I found teltale signs that something was up a week ago, and so I installed spy software on her laptop. From that I learned about her having met the fellow for oral sex, her putting on masturbation shows, and that she always fantasized about other men now when we made love. On Monday, she told her lover that when she and I had last made love, not only did she imagine it was him, but that she had fantasized that he impregnated her with his child, and that they could have a life and family together away from me... and wouldn't he consider leaving his gf. Five years ago, I had gotten a vasectomy at her insistence... she absolutely didn't want more kids, she told me.
I was at my wits end. I called her parents and told them that their daughter had developed an inappropriate relationship with a fellow, and was about to break up the family to be with him.
Her mother came down the next day and when she was internet chatting with the guy she had met for oral sex, and whom, it turns out she had planned on meeting THAT day for sex, had my mother in law not been there, we caught her in a lie because she said she was communicating with me, but her mother was on the phone with me and we knew it wasn't true.
We confronted her, and I had already gotten in touch with the employer (a govt. agency) of her lover and found the procedure to end his career for his activities at work. I had informed him of it, and that, has apparently effectively scared him away.
When my wife was found-out, she went into a depression. I came home early from work and found her curled up in the closet crying.
The next day she hated me... and that night after I had been praying over her, she finally broke down when she saw how much I had been hurt. She was devastated... but mostly at her own pain at the fact that my threat had actually been enough to scare the lover away, and she was disillusioned that he didn't lover her as much as he had said. She confessed everything, even that she had indeed had sex with him on their first meeting. I knew she was telling the truth because I had been tracking her internet activities and she had discussed much of this online.
Anyway, that next day after the breakthrough (three hours of crying) she and I were fairly happy, and that night, we made love, and I thought it was pretty good.
The next morning (yesterday), she was in a horrible mood. She wouldn't let me hug her, or talk to her. She wouldn't respond when I told her I loved her, except once when she said, "Yeah, I know."
Last night, around 10, I couldn't take it any longer, I tried to make her talk to me. She got violent and loud. She bit my hand when I tried to hold hers after she tried to hit me. Eventually she stormed out of the house, walked about half a mile and then called the police. Saying I wouldn't let her in the house, and had thrown her up against the wall. Not true, she had thrown herself against the wall once when I caught her arm when she tried to hit me, but I've never hit or slapped or pushed my wife and wasn't going to start. The police officer eventually showed up and I showed him the bite marks, and he took a report.
Long story short, I see a horrible pattern in her life. When she was a teenager, whenever she was hurt or rejected, she would seek comfort in sex. She's never learned what healthy love is. Her parents have disowned both of us even knowing it will mean no contact with their grandkids. They had previously disowned their son and lost contact with his kids. Her parents expect perfection, and the way imperfection is treated is that the unworthy person is rejected. The rejection lasts as long as they see fit... often years.
My folks weren't perfect but whenever there's a problem, they always start with "You're still our son."
So here I am. I've read enough to know my wife's state is probably just her withdral. However she's still rejecting me. She hates me for taking away her love and for making her give up internet chatting. Just a few min. ago I found that she had contacted one of her former internet chatters and asked him to call her - because she really needs a friend.
She left the house this morning to be alone, and I suppose she probably is.
Why is it, the spouse who didn't cheat has to do all the work to restore the marriage? Why can't she even regret what she did. Why can't she recognize that I really do lover her, and she doen't have to be perfect for me to love her? Why won't she let me prove that I can provide more emotional support now that I'm being treated for my depression?
Is this viscious rejection a normal part of withdral?
I'm human too. I love my wife, but I'm hurt and I can't just take all the abuse she want's to dish out. It seems she wants to make me hurt as bad as she has throughout 12 years of being married to someone with depression. But I didn't hurt her on purpose. I tried. I supported her, I provided for the family, and I picked a career that let me be home virtually every night. I'm a nice guy, and a smart guy, and I may not be all that carasmatic, but I'm not bad.
I know her feelings are hers, but why does the wayward spouse get to continue to dish out the abuse? We went out and bought His Needs, Her Needs, but now she's not interested in even reading it.
I need help. It's breaking my heart. I would rather her yell at me and tell me how bad I've made her feel than to have her reject me so completely. Is there anything I can do.
I pray and I try to be helpful around the house. How much space alone does she need? I come from a family that didn't abandon problems. When we found something wrong in the relationship, we wouldn't rest until we had made some major inroads and usually come to some new equilibrium. Whe want's her space, and I can only leave her alone so long till I NEED to confront the issue.
Any advice would be helpful.
I'm fairly new to this board, but I could sure use some help.
The story of how my wife and I got to where we are is very long and sordid. I'll try to be brief. We've been married for 12.5 years and have three beautiful daughters. In that time I've almost always been in some form of college, and for the last 9 years, I've been employed full time (as an engineer). I'm now nearly finished with my 3rd degree... a law degree.
I recently found out that I've had a shallow but increasingly severe depression since I had cancer at 15, and I found that out when I became suicidal about 4 weeks ago when I realized that my marriage was about to fail.
About 3 months ago, my wife came up to me and asked me what I knew about swinging. We had always had a wild fantasy component of our sex life... it seemed to be the onlything that would help her get in the mood. I figured... hey, we've got a good marriage, and as long as we're in it together, more sex would mean more fun.
However, that's not exactly how it worked out. Being employed full time and going to school in the evening, I didn't have much time to seek out additonal sex partners, and I figured we'd find a couple good couples soon enough. My wife, a stay-at-home-mom was less patient, and she was actively sex-chatting with many different guys.
Long story short, what I though was going to be a mutual relationship activity, turned into an "open marriage" which is what I told her I didn't want, and by open, I really mean, she was the only one using the door. In two months, she had been with about 7 different people. All but one, I knew about.
That one, was a fellow who had always chatted with her about cooking and mundane things. I knew they had met but my wife told me adamantly that he wasn't her type... That was the first time she had lied to me about her activities, and she lied because she knew she was already falling in love with him.
A couple weeks later, I was trying hard to be attractive to her... being more assertive in bed, losing weight, trying to dress nicer, but althouth we were having sex very regularly, something wasn't right. We went to a "swingers" night club in our town and had agreed that the basic rule was "no new single guys." Of course, there were almost no couples there, and my wife started to get drunk and when she left me to get a new drink I found her a few minutes later at the bar sitting on a guy's lap.
I was furious. One thing led to another, and I stormed out of the club. We text-messaged each other for a while and then I drove off without her... only to have to come back to pay the bar-tab. I eventually got her to come home with me.
On the drive home we came to a truce, I appologized for blowing my lid, and I though we were just about ok. When we got home, she acted interested in me, we had sex, and as soon as we were done, she got up and sneered at me that I was only upset that she was having more fun than me, and that all I wanted was sex. That wasn't true. I do love my wife.
Spite sex... It broke my heart. I couldn't stand it. Eventually I told her I wanted a divorce. She didn't respond. I didn't want one, but I wanted her to know how hurt I felt. The next day, she was cold to me, and I tried to make up with her, but eventually she told me she was actually ok with the idea of a divorce. That she didn't love me and hadn't for most of our marriage. I was broken, and that's when my depression came to a head and I became suicidal.
I ended up in a partial hospitilization program and my mother-in-law took the kids to give my wife some breathing room. She used it. That's when she started sleeping around behind my back. While I was in the hospital that first week, she slept with 3 guys, and met up with the one she had fallen in love with, though they didn't have the opportunity to have sex then. That weekend, I overheard her on the phone having a fight with her mother saying that if she were in my wife's place, of course she'd be thinking abou leaving too. Her mother asked her point blank if she were having an affair, and she denied it.
We eventually made up and she agreed to give "us" another try... a year in which to see if my treatment and antidepressant medication could help me become the husband she needed. That's when she confessed having had sex... "meaningless sex" with those three guys. That night at church, I repented for all I had done, and thought my wife did too. Lots of tears.
Two days later she confessed the "rest" that is, that she had met with the fellow, and that she had feelings for him but was now certain it wasn't love, and it was over.
I learned later that he had gone out of town with his live-in gf and my wife was so jealous that she though she was over him.
All the while, my wife had not stopped sex-chatting with all sorts of folks. She was putting on "shows" with her web-cam, while I was at the hospital and/or at work, after I was able to go back. She even met a fellow and gave him oral sex. Of course, she didn't mention it.
I found teltale signs that something was up a week ago, and so I installed spy software on her laptop. From that I learned about her having met the fellow for oral sex, her putting on masturbation shows, and that she always fantasized about other men now when we made love. On Monday, she told her lover that when she and I had last made love, not only did she imagine it was him, but that she had fantasized that he impregnated her with his child, and that they could have a life and family together away from me... and wouldn't he consider leaving his gf. Five years ago, I had gotten a vasectomy at her insistence... she absolutely didn't want more kids, she told me.
I was at my wits end. I called her parents and told them that their daughter had developed an inappropriate relationship with a fellow, and was about to break up the family to be with him.
Her mother came down the next day and when she was internet chatting with the guy she had met for oral sex, and whom, it turns out she had planned on meeting THAT day for sex, had my mother in law not been there, we caught her in a lie because she said she was communicating with me, but her mother was on the phone with me and we knew it wasn't true.
We confronted her, and I had already gotten in touch with the employer (a govt. agency) of her lover and found the procedure to end his career for his activities at work. I had informed him of it, and that, has apparently effectively scared him away.
When my wife was found-out, she went into a depression. I came home early from work and found her curled up in the closet crying.
The next day she hated me... and that night after I had been praying over her, she finally broke down when she saw how much I had been hurt. She was devastated... but mostly at her own pain at the fact that my threat had actually been enough to scare the lover away, and she was disillusioned that he didn't lover her as much as he had said. She confessed everything, even that she had indeed had sex with him on their first meeting. I knew she was telling the truth because I had been tracking her internet activities and she had discussed much of this online.
Anyway, that next day after the breakthrough (three hours of crying) she and I were fairly happy, and that night, we made love, and I thought it was pretty good.
The next morning (yesterday), she was in a horrible mood. She wouldn't let me hug her, or talk to her. She wouldn't respond when I told her I loved her, except once when she said, "Yeah, I know."
Last night, around 10, I couldn't take it any longer, I tried to make her talk to me. She got violent and loud. She bit my hand when I tried to hold hers after she tried to hit me. Eventually she stormed out of the house, walked about half a mile and then called the police. Saying I wouldn't let her in the house, and had thrown her up against the wall. Not true, she had thrown herself against the wall once when I caught her arm when she tried to hit me, but I've never hit or slapped or pushed my wife and wasn't going to start. The police officer eventually showed up and I showed him the bite marks, and he took a report.
Long story short, I see a horrible pattern in her life. When she was a teenager, whenever she was hurt or rejected, she would seek comfort in sex. She's never learned what healthy love is. Her parents have disowned both of us even knowing it will mean no contact with their grandkids. They had previously disowned their son and lost contact with his kids. Her parents expect perfection, and the way imperfection is treated is that the unworthy person is rejected. The rejection lasts as long as they see fit... often years.
My folks weren't perfect but whenever there's a problem, they always start with "You're still our son."
So here I am. I've read enough to know my wife's state is probably just her withdral. However she's still rejecting me. She hates me for taking away her love and for making her give up internet chatting. Just a few min. ago I found that she had contacted one of her former internet chatters and asked him to call her - because she really needs a friend.
She left the house this morning to be alone, and I suppose she probably is.
Why is it, the spouse who didn't cheat has to do all the work to restore the marriage? Why can't she even regret what she did. Why can't she recognize that I really do lover her, and she doen't have to be perfect for me to love her? Why won't she let me prove that I can provide more emotional support now that I'm being treated for my depression?
Is this viscious rejection a normal part of withdral?
I'm human too. I love my wife, but I'm hurt and I can't just take all the abuse she want's to dish out. It seems she wants to make me hurt as bad as she has throughout 12 years of being married to someone with depression. But I didn't hurt her on purpose. I tried. I supported her, I provided for the family, and I picked a career that let me be home virtually every night. I'm a nice guy, and a smart guy, and I may not be all that carasmatic, but I'm not bad.
I know her feelings are hers, but why does the wayward spouse get to continue to dish out the abuse? We went out and bought His Needs, Her Needs, but now she's not interested in even reading it.
I need help. It's breaking my heart. I would rather her yell at me and tell me how bad I've made her feel than to have her reject me so completely. Is there anything I can do.
I pray and I try to be helpful around the house. How much space alone does she need? I come from a family that didn't abandon problems. When we found something wrong in the relationship, we wouldn't rest until we had made some major inroads and usually come to some new equilibrium. Whe want's her space, and I can only leave her alone so long till I NEED to confront the issue.
Any advice would be helpful.