Hello all, this will be a long post. Please forgive typos.

I'm fairly new to this board, but I could sure use some help.

The story of how my wife and I got to where we are is very long and sordid. I'll try to be brief. We've been married for 12.5 years and have three beautiful daughters. In that time I've almost always been in some form of college, and for the last 9 years, I've been employed full time (as an engineer). I'm now nearly finished with my 3rd degree... a law degree.

I recently found out that I've had a shallow but increasingly severe depression since I had cancer at 15, and I found that out when I became suicidal about 4 weeks ago when I realized that my marriage was about to fail.

About 3 months ago, my wife came up to me and asked me what I knew about swinging. We had always had a wild fantasy component of our sex life... it seemed to be the onlything that would help her get in the mood. I figured... hey, we've got a good marriage, and as long as we're in it together, more sex would mean more fun.

However, that's not exactly how it worked out. Being employed full time and going to school in the evening, I didn't have much time to seek out additonal sex partners, and I figured we'd find a couple good couples soon enough. My wife, a stay-at-home-mom was less patient, and she was actively sex-chatting with many different guys.

Long story short, what I though was going to be a mutual relationship activity, turned into an "open marriage" which is what I told her I didn't want, and by open, I really mean, she was the only one using the door. In two months, she had been with about 7 different people. All but one, I knew about.

That one, was a fellow who had always chatted with her about cooking and mundane things. I knew they had met but my wife told me adamantly that he wasn't her type... That was the first time she had lied to me about her activities, and she lied because she knew she was already falling in love with him.

A couple weeks later, I was trying hard to be attractive to her... being more assertive in bed, losing weight, trying to dress nicer, but althouth we were having sex very regularly, something wasn't right. We went to a "swingers" night club in our town and had agreed that the basic rule was "no new single guys." Of course, there were almost no couples there, and my wife started to get drunk and when she left me to get a new drink I found her a few minutes later at the bar sitting on a guy's lap.

I was furious. One thing led to another, and I stormed out of the club. We text-messaged each other for a while and then I drove off without her... only to have to come back to pay the bar-tab. I eventually got her to come home with me.

On the drive home we came to a truce, I appologized for blowing my lid, and I though we were just about ok. When we got home, she acted interested in me, we had sex, and as soon as we were done, she got up and sneered at me that I was only upset that she was having more fun than me, and that all I wanted was sex. That wasn't true. I do love my wife.

Spite sex... It broke my heart. I couldn't stand it. Eventually I told her I wanted a divorce. She didn't respond. I didn't want one, but I wanted her to know how hurt I felt. The next day, she was cold to me, and I tried to make up with her, but eventually she told me she was actually ok with the idea of a divorce. That she didn't love me and hadn't for most of our marriage. I was broken, and that's when my depression came to a head and I became suicidal.

I ended up in a partial hospitilization program and my mother-in-law took the kids to give my wife some breathing room. She used it. That's when she started sleeping around behind my back. While I was in the hospital that first week, she slept with 3 guys, and met up with the one she had fallen in love with, though they didn't have the opportunity to have sex then. That weekend, I overheard her on the phone having a fight with her mother saying that if she were in my wife's place, of course she'd be thinking abou leaving too. Her mother asked her point blank if she were having an affair, and she denied it.

We eventually made up and she agreed to give "us" another try... a year in which to see if my treatment and antidepressant medication could help me become the husband she needed. That's when she confessed having had sex... "meaningless sex" with those three guys. That night at church, I repented for all I had done, and thought my wife did too. Lots of tears.

Two days later she confessed the "rest" that is, that she had met with the fellow, and that she had feelings for him but was now certain it wasn't love, and it was over.

I learned later that he had gone out of town with his live-in gf and my wife was so jealous that she though she was over him.

All the while, my wife had not stopped sex-chatting with all sorts of folks. She was putting on "shows" with her web-cam, while I was at the hospital and/or at work, after I was able to go back. She even met a fellow and gave him oral sex. Of course, she didn't mention it.

I found teltale signs that something was up a week ago, and so I installed spy software on her laptop. From that I learned about her having met the fellow for oral sex, her putting on masturbation shows, and that she always fantasized about other men now when we made love. On Monday, she told her lover that when she and I had last made love, not only did she imagine it was him, but that she had fantasized that he impregnated her with his child, and that they could have a life and family together away from me... and wouldn't he consider leaving his gf. Five years ago, I had gotten a vasectomy at her insistence... she absolutely didn't want more kids, she told me.

I was at my wits end. I called her parents and told them that their daughter had developed an inappropriate relationship with a fellow, and was about to break up the family to be with him.

Her mother came down the next day and when she was internet chatting with the guy she had met for oral sex, and whom, it turns out she had planned on meeting THAT day for sex, had my mother in law not been there, we caught her in a lie because she said she was communicating with me, but her mother was on the phone with me and we knew it wasn't true.

We confronted her, and I had already gotten in touch with the employer (a govt. agency) of her lover and found the procedure to end his career for his activities at work. I had informed him of it, and that, has apparently effectively scared him away.

When my wife was found-out, she went into a depression. I came home early from work and found her curled up in the closet crying.

The next day she hated me... and that night after I had been praying over her, she finally broke down when she saw how much I had been hurt. She was devastated... but mostly at her own pain at the fact that my threat had actually been enough to scare the lover away, and she was disillusioned that he didn't lover her as much as he had said. She confessed everything, even that she had indeed had sex with him on their first meeting. I knew she was telling the truth because I had been tracking her internet activities and she had discussed much of this online.

Anyway, that next day after the breakthrough (three hours of crying) she and I were fairly happy, and that night, we made love, and I thought it was pretty good.

The next morning (yesterday), she was in a horrible mood. She wouldn't let me hug her, or talk to her. She wouldn't respond when I told her I loved her, except once when she said, "Yeah, I know."

Last night, around 10, I couldn't take it any longer, I tried to make her talk to me. She got violent and loud. She bit my hand when I tried to hold hers after she tried to hit me. Eventually she stormed out of the house, walked about half a mile and then called the police. Saying I wouldn't let her in the house, and had thrown her up against the wall. Not true, she had thrown herself against the wall once when I caught her arm when she tried to hit me, but I've never hit or slapped or pushed my wife and wasn't going to start. The police officer eventually showed up and I showed him the bite marks, and he took a report.

Long story short, I see a horrible pattern in her life. When she was a teenager, whenever she was hurt or rejected, she would seek comfort in sex. She's never learned what healthy love is. Her parents have disowned both of us even knowing it will mean no contact with their grandkids. They had previously disowned their son and lost contact with his kids. Her parents expect perfection, and the way imperfection is treated is that the unworthy person is rejected. The rejection lasts as long as they see fit... often years.

My folks weren't perfect but whenever there's a problem, they always start with "You're still our son."

So here I am. I've read enough to know my wife's state is probably just her withdral. However she's still rejecting me. She hates me for taking away her love and for making her give up internet chatting. Just a few min. ago I found that she had contacted one of her former internet chatters and asked him to call her - because she really needs a friend.

She left the house this morning to be alone, and I suppose she probably is.

Why is it, the spouse who didn't cheat has to do all the work to restore the marriage? Why can't she even regret what she did. Why can't she recognize that I really do lover her, and she doen't have to be perfect for me to love her? Why won't she let me prove that I can provide more emotional support now that I'm being treated for my depression?

Is this viscious rejection a normal part of withdral?

I'm human too. I love my wife, but I'm hurt and I can't just take all the abuse she want's to dish out. It seems she wants to make me hurt as bad as she has throughout 12 years of being married to someone with depression. But I didn't hurt her on purpose. I tried. I supported her, I provided for the family, and I picked a career that let me be home virtually every night. I'm a nice guy, and a smart guy, and I may not be all that carasmatic, but I'm not bad.

I know her feelings are hers, but why does the wayward spouse get to continue to dish out the abuse? We went out and bought His Needs, Her Needs, but now she's not interested in even reading it.

I need help. It's breaking my heart. I would rather her yell at me and tell me how bad I've made her feel than to have her reject me so completely. Is there anything I can do.

I pray and I try to be helpful around the house. How much space alone does she need? I come from a family that didn't abandon problems. When we found something wrong in the relationship, we wouldn't rest until we had made some major inroads and usually come to some new equilibrium. Whe want's her space, and I can only leave her alone so long till I NEED to confront the issue.

Any advice would be helpful.

Hello,

Your story is very sad and I am going to give it to you straight. You would have to be out of your mind to stay in this marriage. Your wife is absolutely toxic to you and will destroy you. She is a sexually addict and it will be a matter of time until she gives you an STD. You are an intelligent man but you are totally in the fog. If you had a child would you want him to marry someone who has done and is doing things like your wife? How could you possibly feel pride and love toward a person who consistently humiliates, degrades and disrespects you in the worst possible way and puts your health at great risk. You have married the wrong person. Imagine what it would be like to marry the right person. The bottom line is that you would have to be masochistic to wish to remain in this marriage. The sad part that I see from your letter is that you seemed to have gotten use to this extreme humiliation from your wife. Please see a therapist to understand why you feel the need to suffer such degradation in your marriage and your life.
I wish you luck because you will need a great deal of it if you stay in this marriage.

Hey,

Don't worry I am not going to yell at you. I know where you are coming from in the sense that my H asked me for years to swing as well. To be honest, I never wanted it...I felt sex was meant to be saved for marriage and that it was something special you should only share with the person you loved. Well, he took it into his own hands and had and affair...so I guess I might be in that "toxic" situation described above as well.

It sounds like you love your wife and that you were as open to different sex things as she was in the beginning. You wil get a lot of bashing for that one on this site...so be prepared. I will not bash you, but I will point out that you did tell her it was ok to do this in the first place(which I am not using as an excuse for her, but a gentle reminding of what the enviroment was before the affair). Did you two sit down and make a detailed list of boundries that was to be crossed and not crossed???She was wrong and went WAY too far, so now you need to decided what your REAL boundries are...and stick to them. I agree with BryanP that if you do not think she can stay within these boundries then you should dsay goodbye. I am constantly waiting to see my H break past those boundries that I thought we had established before which were not. It is torture.

Also, I agree that you need to be careful about the STDs. If your W is a sex addict(and it does sound like it) then, you are at a MUCH higher risk than the "normal" affair. There are people that recover from sexual addiction...but it is a LONG HARD road. It will not be easy for you or your W.

I wish you the best of luck. I sooo understand where you are coming from and I empathize with you completely. I am sorry you have found yourself here. PLEASE, think about your children and you and what you need..even before the needs of your wife. That may help you see what needs to be done.

True

Please get your wife to counseling right away. She is way over the top in her behavior. She needs help desperately.

A lot of her actions may be from her family of origin. I have raised 8 kids - my own and step kids. Believe me, they have all done some crazy things. But I would never, ever have no contact with any of them, no matter what they did.

Thanks for your replies, especially True. Yes, I did start out being in on-board with swinging. Looking back I see how dumb that was.

Is my wife a sex addict? I don't know. Is a binge drinker necessarily an alcoholic? If the 12+ years of our marriage was an indication, no, she wasn't a sex addict. I thought she had almost no interest in sex. I guess that's why I was okay with the idea at first, because I was finally having frequent sex with my wife again.

Counseling... yes. We started to see a marriage counselor about 10 days ago. We saw him initially as a couple and then once by myself, and then once with my wife alone. Furthermore, my wife has agreed to see a psychiatrist who was recommended to me by a doctor I saw while I was in the hospital. If she needs some sort of medication to help her through, she should be able to get it. Normally, a psych appointment takes 6 weeks to get in, but hers is this coming Friday.

Last night, her mother sent her a letter (email). In it, her mother explained that *I* was totally at fault. Understand that her mother knows the relationship with the special fellow was inappropriate, and that my wife was thinking about leaving me for him, and that when confronted, my wife told her mother that I have also chatted online. That's true, but I never found anyone to have a sex-chat with probably because I was too depressed to get into it. I didn't lie to my mother in law when conronte about this, and told her that we started out thinking online chatting would help us.

Now her parents are willing to talk to her but are begging her to leave me and get the kids as far away from me as possible. She's even attempting to use some twisted theology... Sayin that God wouldn't want her to be unhappy like she has been, so it would be appropriate for her to leave. They told her that they hope the counselor would help her see that she should leave me.

I'm furious at her parents now. They're family, I suppose, but they're trying to make my wife choose between them and fixin her marriage, and I am...

I'm the betrayed spouse here. Why are they attacking me? I know why, but knowing doesn't help, because I know they are trying to make things worse.

Pray for me, please.

BG,

Again, I am very sorry that you have to be here. It is a mess, and it sucks...I know.

I am SHOCKED at your inlaws..it was bad enough when they said that they disowened their daughter...but now this. That is just awful for you. It is amazing how parents can sometimes only see the "good" in there kids when there is mounting evidence that the kid has been "naughty"!! I was lucky...my inlaws were outraged at their son's actions and actually put ME higher on the pedastool for sticking with him for our children!!

I would look into your rights as a father just in case your wife does persue all of that nonsense. I would find a way that she could not take the children. I am sure there will be other experienced people here that could help you, so keep asking...maybe even go over to general questions and ask there what you should do. There is much more traffic there.

Will pray for you and your wife. Also, keep posting when you are down...we are all here to help you in any way.

True

Thanks, True. We sure do need your prayers.

I was heartened that Sunday afternoon, my wife went to a local public library and picked up a bunch of marriage-help books, including one titled "Toxic In-Laws." We're still going through "His Needs, Her Needs," though, and hope to get "Surviving an Affair" soon. I guess what has helped in the tug-of-war her parents tried to start is that she knows from past experience that even if she chooses her parents, her mother will never forgive her for disappointing them, and the failure will always be present in every interaction with her. Her mother's pleas didn't persuade her because she knows that if she leaves me to keep them she'll lose me and never have their love.

The worst thing is how to explain to our children the fact that we won't be spending time with their closest grandparents. Yesterday (7/4) was their grandfathers' birthday, and they were all surprised we couldn't spend the day with them, but we told the kids that their grandparents were just very busy. However, it won't take too long for them to figure out that something is very wrong, and I don't want to teach them to reject family. I guess we'll deal with that when the time comes. Our kids our young (almost 10, almost 8, and almost 7), and we hope to never tell them about the affair, assuming we can keep our family together.

"Roller-coaster" is an apt term for this period. I know I'm not handling myself as well as I should, but I also know I'm much stronger (emotionally) than I used to be. The big problem I'm having now is that my wife wants to be left alone for days at a time to "process." I have no problem giving her several hours at a time, but I need *some* time each day to connect with her. Perhaps it's just the remnants of my depression and self-esteem problems, but the silence feels like rejection.

Anyway, I've gotten my wife to agree to give me a time where she'll talk to me each day.

I'm trying to fill her needs for affection and conversation. I suppose those are her big un-met needs. Perhaps also domestic support. She's been the stay-at-home-mom, and I've been the working (and going-to-law-school) dad, so I haven't ever put much effort into providing domestic help. I would mow the lawn and take the trash to the curb, and I basically left the rest to her. I've changed in the past two weeks and have done a lot of laundry and dishes, and I make the bed every morning (it never got made before). It is easier to get into housework when I know that doing it tells my wife that I love her, but it seems so unappreciated now.

Nevertheless, she's cold to all signs of affection, and heavily resistant to conversation. One exception was this morning, she did get up with me and make some coffee for me while I prepared my lunch, and we had about 15 min. of conversation about advertising and marketing... what she majored in. It was such a relief to have her talk to me. Yesterday during our time, she spent the time searching online help-wanted ads.

Today seems like a pleasant day. Friday was bad. Saturday was mixed. Sunday and Monday were mostly npleasant.

Today is one week since I stepped in and broke her up with her guy. I'm hoping the worst part of the withdrawl is past. I'm hoping that we can have more and more pleasant evenings together.

This morning, my wife finally said "I love you" in response to my "I love you." She followed it up with, "...I know somewhere deep inside I do, even if I don't feel it." It's better than nothing.

When will she start to feel remorse or even genuine regret? When will she start to understand how badly I hurt?

I guess I'm just letting it go a little this morning. If anyone else can appreciate what I'm going through and help me prepare for what still lies ahead, I would really appreciate any insight.

I feel so empty and used-up, but I'm afraid to stop trying. I do love my wife. I feel horrible when she tells me all the things I've done throughout the years that have made her feel unloved. The shame of it is that, though she may have felt unloved, she knows that I do love her. Me, I've felt unloved, unloveable, and now I know that she hasn't been in love with me for over a decade.

aaaarrrrrggghhhh!!!!!

My WW is psycho!!! But she's apparently exactly the same as EVERY other WW since the dawn of time. And I can't stop loving her.

Last night I had hoped that we were going to spend our "undivided attention" time to play a card game or something... I figured we could use a low-stress evening just the two of us not focusing on our relationship and just enjoying being together.

It didn't work out exactly as I had hoped. Turns out my wife had spent some significant time snooping on my computer yesterday. I don't mind, really. The only thing she could possibly find was that when we were trying to swing I had looked at internet porn... so had she. I've repented and stopped ever since I realized that this wasn't about "fun" because my marriage was about to fail. She was still mad at me and said that my having looked at porn caused ALL of this.

Turns out she also deleted the file where I had kept track of all of her extra-curricular activities, so far as I knew.

She spent the next 45 min. or so being vicious. It was ALL my fault... She DESERVES privacy, and she'll NEVER trust me again. [Had I not thought this would have offended her even more, I would have scratched my head at that one... since SHE'S the WS... nevertheless...]

I kept cool. Calm. That made her angrier, saying I didn't need to talk to her like a child. After a while, I asked her if she wanted me to hold her hand, and she nodded "yes" slightly. So I went over to the loveseat where she was, and placed my hand on hers, and then I asked her if she wanted me to hold her, and she nodded "yes" again. I spent the next 10 min. or so holding her and whispering to her that I was committed to her, that I'm not angry AT her because I was a major player in setting up the environment that lead to her A.

I guess the D-Day was 8 days ago... that's when the A ended because of my actions, and one week ago, she came-clean.

We eventually filled out the Emotional Needs Questionaire. That was fairly depressing. My wife made fun of me a little because I couldn't always pick between the numbers and picked a decimal number in between the integers (typical for me, I suppose). Then I looked at hers and the only thing I was remotely meeting was her need for emotional support.

I'm no male model, but she not only doesn't find me attractive, but she finds me UNattractive. That hurt a lot. And then, and I'm hoping this is just her withdrawl talking, she listed her need for sexual fullfillment as once per week... She says that although she really did enjoy having sex 8 - 15 times per week with other guys, she cannot even imagine wanting sex more than a couple times per week with me.

She wasn't TRYING to be mean, but man, it hurt.

Can anybody tell me how long till the worst of the withdrawl is over? I think she's not had any contact with the OM, but I can't be sure.

I miss my wife. I miss having someone I can trust to actually care about me. I crave being desired and respected, and this withdrawl period just feels like dripping acid on my open wounds. I'm still here, and I'm gonna make it through, but it hurts so much to carry the burden of trying to keep the marriage alive.

My wife says she's "trying her best," and, I guess I believe her. I really do believe she's suffering with a very real depression and just can't get herself to provide any support because of her own misery. I know because I was there not long ago, and I had a very long-lasting (about 15~16 years) low-level depression that handicapped my ability to contribute emotional support.

The good news is that because I'm taking a more active role in participating in my wife's life, I'm able to connect more with my kids. Literally, thank God, for anti-depression medication. I never used to have any patience for my kids, and now, I can actually enjoy spending time with them. The other good thing, for me, anyway, if my wife EVER decides that she desires an active sex-life with me again, the medication has given me extra-ordinary stamina... I'm like a bedroom marathon-runner...

I can see at least one silver lining, in that, I'm investing more time in my kids' lives, and that's something I regret not having done years ago.

When will I say goodbye to the WW and have my W back? I am lucky because my parents modeled how to love enough to forgive all my life. I know I can forgive everything, but I know my wife his having a tough time forgiving my years of failing to meet her needs. Sometimes she's not even willing to admit that what she did was anywhere nearly as bad as what I did...

How long does it take a WS to start looking at the future as a goal?

Sorry for the rant. Any advice or comments are appreciated.

BG,

I hope things are going better today. Time will be your most helpful friend. She will keep saying nasty things because she does not want to admit that she is the problem. Just hang in there. I am going on 12 weeks now but at least my frame of mind is much better and I am stronger.

Go well.

Rho

I would love to here your progress as I just exposed the affair and withdrawal is to the exlusion of even talking to me right now. Reading your posts I realize how far I have to go. God give me strength - pray for me and I wil pray for you.

Sorry I've been outta touch for a while...

I suppose I do have an update. Things have gone from bad to worse.

Last Wednesday we had couples counseling. It was rough. It seemed like the doctor was ganging up on me. I know I needed to give my wife some more space, but it's so hard, and I couldn't stop loving her. In the session, she said that she was sorry for the pain she had caused me, but not for having the affair. The psychologist thought that this was some real break-through for her... For me it just sounded like I was collateral damage... unfortnuate but unimportant. Maybe that's how she really felt, I don't know.

Anyway, she wanted her space, I told her to get it, I was going to get the kids (at her aunt's). When I got there, the aunt wouldn't give 'em to me. BTW, that's kidnapping, when a parent shows up and somebody doesn't hand over the kids.

Anyway, it escallated... cops were called. Eventually my wife and I left the kids there for the evening and we went home to talk. We tried to spend most of the evening doing things other than think about what had transpired, but it was still there. She had used the kids against me.

So the next morning, Thursday, I woke up thinking that thought... She USED the kids against me. SHE KEPT THEM FROM ME!!! My wife asked what was wrong, and I told her that was the thought going through my head.

At that point she started going off on me. She was more vicious than I had ever seen her. She told me I was twisted and sick. She told me how much she preferred other men and hated me.

This went on for about a half hour, and then I withdrew. I started writing in my cognitive therapy notebook while sitting in the closet. She came into the bedroom and started up again. After a few minutes, I went down stairs to get away from her, and she followed continuing her monologe of hate. After a while I screamed out "WHY???", slammed the basement door on my way back up the bedroom, and then beat the doors in my bedroom for a while, till I put a hole in one of them.

About 5 min. later, I went back down stairs and sat down at the table, and she started up again from the family room which is next to the kitchen area, but with a rail divider, and a gate we had put up to keep the puppies in the kitchen. After another 10 min. of being told that she would get the kids and I would never see them again, that she could make it but I was a nobody, and that I was a loser, I broke. I said, "You're right, I guess I am a loser." and I walked over to the knives on the other side of the kitchen (about 20 feet from her).

I was going to commit hari-kari. I couldn't think of a more painful way to die, and I wanted her to see my pain. By the time I had taken the knife out of its holder, she was running to the front door (and out of sight of the kitchen) and screaming. I stood with the knife to my stomach for at least 2 min... wondering if I would do it. The knife was shiny, though, and I couldn't look at my reflection and kill myself, so I put the knife down. I knew I needed to go back to the hospital, so I got dressed, and got my cognitive therapy notebook, and stepped out to get into my car. When I stepped outside, there were cops everywhere.

My wife had called the cops and told them I had chased after her with a knife. Apparently with no provocation.

Long story short, the lying [censored] went and got a restraining order against me while I was in with the psychologist, and the cops came and served me with it while I was sitting in the ER.

I couldn't eat for the next few days. I lost 5 lbs. in 4 days.

The order said I can't contact my wife, go near my in-laws house, and that my wife had temporary primary custody. She had REQUESTED that I not be able to contact my kids, but that's not what the order said.

I got out of the hospital this morning, and went to church. At the close of the service, my wife tried to sneak the kids out before I found out. I had made an apron for my middle child, because tomorrow is her birthday, and I knew I wouldn't be able to spend it with her.

I gave her the apron, and my wife threatened to call 911. Since she spoke to me, I replied that the order didn't say I couldn't contact the kids. And I gave'em each hugs.

She literally ripped the kids away from me, and that broke my heart, so I went up to the lady who's running Vacation Bible School, for which my wife is running the registration, and told her that the person she had working on VBS had been having multiple affairs, and she should know that's the kind of person she had working with her.

At that point a rather large custodian came up to me and stood in my way and told me he would sit on my till the cops got there if I didn't leave the kids alone. I pulled out my copy of the order and said that it doesn't prohibit me from speaking with my kids. He refused to read it... said he didn't have his reading glasses. Apparently my wife had gone to the church leadership and told them I was crazy and violent and wasn't allowed anywhere near the kids.

A pastor I trusted came up to me and I begged him to READ the actual order, but he wouldn't.

I left and when I got in my car, I screamed. They were my kids, and I was right. I've never been a danger to them or to my wife. In fact, a couple years ago she was diagnosed as bi-polar, but won't seek treatment. She blew-off the psychiatrist appointment.

I'm so devastated and betrayed. Betraying me wasn't enough for my wife. She had to take my kids away and turn the church against me, too. I feel betrayed by the church, because the pastors didn't do their primary task, that is, to discern godly from ungodly, and see that she is intentionally destroying our family.

I know I lost my cool, but they are MY kids, and I love them, and she's trying to break me utterly.

I really think she's back in contact with her boyfriend or some other lover. I guess I have to let her go.

The good news is that a friend of mine told me that as a parent, I can get a judge to order immediate visitation rights.

Pray for me. I'm battling real and deep depression, in addition to fighting for my marriage. I feel so alone.

The one small ray of hope I have is that my wife took the copy of "Surviving an Affair" with her. With any luck, she's actually reading it and not just taking it back to the library.

The only thing I'm doing right, I think, is continuing to pray for her and the kids.

Why am I the only one interested in doing the right thing???

I really, really feel for you BronzeGuy. WOW! Your wife is abusive. Even if we assume for a minute that your wife is right. That you are somehow this terrible ogre (I think not). Does that justify her actions? The multiple partners, verbal and physical abuse?

Get out now. You need serious help from highly trained professionals. Don't want to see you in jail or dead.

I agree wholeheartedly. It seems that your WW knew what buttons to push so you could go over the edge but that still doesn't take away your responsibility for your foolish actions. Now you are the 'bad guy' in the eyes of everyone, and it will take a committment of very hard work on your part to convince them otherwise so that you can regain your rights as a parent. Contact a professional who can help you with a plan of personal recovery that you can use as evidence in your favor when its time to go back to court and prove your fitness as the father of your children.

Good luck and God bless.

TMCM

Dear Managing2,

ABUSIVE???? I'm BronzeGuy's wife, and let me just say that the picture he paints in his posts isn't ACTUALLY what took place. There are two sides to every story. You have to understand that when a person who's been diagnosed as being in a MAJOR depression, their judgement is a bit clouded. It's now July 30, about 2 weeks after H threatened to commit hari-kari. Things are not any better. H still denies that he had much to do with most of what's gone wrong in our marriage. At no point did I ever maliciously keep the kids from him. If your spouse were suicidal and, knowing what we know about various suicidal people in the news who take their families with them, would YOU have let them stay in the same house?? He was SO angry, he couldn't think straight, and I wasn't going to have the kids in that situation. As far as trying to "sneak" out of church with our kids goes...I was actually just heading to the VBS table to work. At no point did he NEED to tell anyone that I'd had "multiple affairs" since, after all, HE was involved in the swing lifestyle too. He NEVER admits that it turned him on that I slept with other men (and that he'd been fantisizing for YEARS about seeing me have sex with another man), that he used to pick out my clothes, right down to my underwear, for my "dates," and that the pornography he viewed wasn't ONLY while we were swinging.

In reality, my husband, who was SUPPOSED to be the PRIEST of our household, actually brought pornography into our marriage. We've fought about his porn viewing for more than a decade now. While I was pregnant with our first child, living in a small town in MS, 1000 miles away from ALL my family and friends, he'd spend LATE nights (until 2, 3, 4 am) at the computer lab at school "studying." Yeah, he was studying alright...naked women. He and his friends would surf for porn on the university's computers...our hard-earned tax dollars at work. And when our daughter was finally born and I was working full-time and taking care of her??? Well, MORE late nights at the computer lab with porn, instead of tending to his wife and his first-born child.

As I said before, there are TWO sides to every story, and BronzeGuy has a WONDERFUL way of painting himself to be the victim. He takes pride in making me look bad, because by separating me from everyone I rely on, he's making my choice for me...if I have nobody but him to turn to, I'll have no choice but to stay. I wish I'd truly realized that before I decided to do what God wants and reconcile with him. I don't think he'll ever be able to give up the way he controls me, because I don't think he'll ever be secure in himself.

PHgirl