Hurt, confused but hopeful - 08/09/06 04:30 PM
I just wanted to post my story as I haven't seen many like it and wanted some support/advice. My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs. He was previously married and had a very negative divorce, he fell into an EA at the separation point of the divorce, which became a PA after they separated, then divorced. That relationship did not work out, he was very depressed due to his divorce and separation from his daughter at the time and became heavily involved in his church, and men's group and Christianity. He had been doing quite well for two years, then I met him ( I am also a Christian)6 yrs ago. We have been married for 5 yrs, and have a 14 month old son, as well as partial custody of his 11 yr old daugter.
Two weeks ago he told me that on a business trip in June an episode occurred that was very out of character, he was very confused about, very regretful of, and feels that he has been depressed for months, and lost his focus. We had not been attending church as regularly and he had not read his bible in a while, much of this we attributed to the baby, which was very demanding on both of us. We had been fighting more and definitely less intimate (emot and physically) than earlier in our marriage.
So anyway, he went out to dinner with his male business partner, had two glasses on wine and came back to the hotel. He was sitting in the lobby, when a female business assoc. (he did not know her) approached and they started talking. He gave her his business card and some info, and he says they had no personal discussions. She invited him to her room to get some business info, so he went. She gave him the stuff and went into the bathroom. Without any prompting, she came out naked. My husband was stunned, but did not leave. She came up to him, unzipped his pants and rubbed him on her genital area then started to suck on him for a minute or two. He did not become aroused, then immed. left. He said his conscience kicked in. He took a shower, and cried himself to sleep. He wanted to tell me but didn't want to ruin the summer since we had his daughter every other week for the next six weeks. He was afraid I would throw him out. He finally told me a month later b/c he developed some urinary issues and was afraid he caught an STD. ( all testing is negative), and more afraid he could have given me one. (he didn't) He doesn't understand what is going on that would make him sacrifice the only things that important to him (me, our son, our marriage, poss. our health) and that he loves me very much, doesn't want an affair, wasn't looking for an affair, has never cheated on me before, is not attracted to other women and swears he did not go to her room for anything other than to get a business card. He just doesn't know why he didn't walk out immediately when she came out of the bathroom. (I believe all of the above)
I am hurt, confused, don't know what's going on. I don't want this to end our marriage, which was in a slump but not that bad. I told him he needed personal couseling for his depression and we are going to start marriage counseling soon. What would make a man act so irrational like this? He says he doesn't trust his own judgement anymore. I am also angry b/c he didn't think of the protection issue until it was too late (after he touched her). I don't even know what to call what he did. He cheated but didn't complete the act. He had no emotional involvement, although with prompting he says he was feeling down and maybe just wanted a hug from someone. He knows this is all of his fault and does not blame me for anything. But we both want to have a better marriage than before.
Thanks for listening.
Two weeks ago he told me that on a business trip in June an episode occurred that was very out of character, he was very confused about, very regretful of, and feels that he has been depressed for months, and lost his focus. We had not been attending church as regularly and he had not read his bible in a while, much of this we attributed to the baby, which was very demanding on both of us. We had been fighting more and definitely less intimate (emot and physically) than earlier in our marriage.
So anyway, he went out to dinner with his male business partner, had two glasses on wine and came back to the hotel. He was sitting in the lobby, when a female business assoc. (he did not know her) approached and they started talking. He gave her his business card and some info, and he says they had no personal discussions. She invited him to her room to get some business info, so he went. She gave him the stuff and went into the bathroom. Without any prompting, she came out naked. My husband was stunned, but did not leave. She came up to him, unzipped his pants and rubbed him on her genital area then started to suck on him for a minute or two. He did not become aroused, then immed. left. He said his conscience kicked in. He took a shower, and cried himself to sleep. He wanted to tell me but didn't want to ruin the summer since we had his daughter every other week for the next six weeks. He was afraid I would throw him out. He finally told me a month later b/c he developed some urinary issues and was afraid he caught an STD. ( all testing is negative), and more afraid he could have given me one. (he didn't) He doesn't understand what is going on that would make him sacrifice the only things that important to him (me, our son, our marriage, poss. our health) and that he loves me very much, doesn't want an affair, wasn't looking for an affair, has never cheated on me before, is not attracted to other women and swears he did not go to her room for anything other than to get a business card. He just doesn't know why he didn't walk out immediately when she came out of the bathroom. (I believe all of the above)
I am hurt, confused, don't know what's going on. I don't want this to end our marriage, which was in a slump but not that bad. I told him he needed personal couseling for his depression and we are going to start marriage counseling soon. What would make a man act so irrational like this? He says he doesn't trust his own judgement anymore. I am also angry b/c he didn't think of the protection issue until it was too late (after he touched her). I don't even know what to call what he did. He cheated but didn't complete the act. He had no emotional involvement, although with prompting he says he was feeling down and maybe just wanted a hug from someone. He knows this is all of his fault and does not blame me for anything. But we both want to have a better marriage than before.
Thanks for listening.