I just wanted to post my story as I haven't seen many like it and wanted some support/advice. My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs. He was previously married and had a very negative divorce, he fell into an EA at the separation point of the divorce, which became a PA after they separated, then divorced. That relationship did not work out, he was very depressed due to his divorce and separation from his daughter at the time and became heavily involved in his church, and men's group and Christianity. He had been doing quite well for two years, then I met him ( I am also a Christian)6 yrs ago. We have been married for 5 yrs, and have a 14 month old son, as well as partial custody of his 11 yr old daugter.
Two weeks ago he told me that on a business trip in June an episode occurred that was very out of character, he was very confused about, very regretful of, and feels that he has been depressed for months, and lost his focus. We had not been attending church as regularly and he had not read his bible in a while, much of this we attributed to the baby, which was very demanding on both of us. We had been fighting more and definitely less intimate (emot and physically) than earlier in our marriage.
So anyway, he went out to dinner with his male business partner, had two glasses on wine and came back to the hotel. He was sitting in the lobby, when a female business assoc. (he did not know her) approached and they started talking. He gave her his business card and some info, and he says they had no personal discussions. She invited him to her room to get some business info, so he went. She gave him the stuff and went into the bathroom. Without any prompting, she came out naked. My husband was stunned, but did not leave. She came up to him, unzipped his pants and rubbed him on her genital area then started to suck on him for a minute or two. He did not become aroused, then immed. left. He said his conscience kicked in. He took a shower, and cried himself to sleep. He wanted to tell me but didn't want to ruin the summer since we had his daughter every other week for the next six weeks. He was afraid I would throw him out. He finally told me a month later b/c he developed some urinary issues and was afraid he caught an STD. ( all testing is negative), and more afraid he could have given me one. (he didn't) He doesn't understand what is going on that would make him sacrifice the only things that important to him (me, our son, our marriage, poss. our health) and that he loves me very much, doesn't want an affair, wasn't looking for an affair, has never cheated on me before, is not attracted to other women and swears he did not go to her room for anything other than to get a business card. He just doesn't know why he didn't walk out immediately when she came out of the bathroom. (I believe all of the above)
I am hurt, confused, don't know what's going on. I don't want this to end our marriage, which was in a slump but not that bad. I told him he needed personal couseling for his depression and we are going to start marriage counseling soon. What would make a man act so irrational like this? He says he doesn't trust his own judgement anymore. I am also angry b/c he didn't think of the protection issue until it was too late (after he touched her). I don't even know what to call what he did. He cheated but didn't complete the act. He had no emotional involvement, although with prompting he says he was feeling down and maybe just wanted a hug from someone. He knows this is all of his fault and does not blame me for anything. But we both want to have a better marriage than before.
Thanks for listening.

Bimidd,

Sorry you find yourself here seeking help.

I've got to tell you "from a man's perspective". That story sounds like pure fabrication. Not to say it's not possible, but highly unlikely.


Lobby? I have spent the last 25 years travelling frequently, and I'm not an ugly man. 20 years of it Military. Travelling with a crew of typically 16 other guys in flight suits, and have never heard of a woman picking up a man in a lobby in this fashion.


Again, not impossible but lottery like odds here. There is a man I do not know in my room, without any prompting to see if he is even iterested in me, I think I will get naked and find out.


Sorry, but it's human nature to LOOK at other people and find them physically attractive. The difference is the action you take as result.

I understand you believe your H. That is not a bad thing. The fact that he came to you with this information says alot. But if I were a betting man "and I am". My money says there is alot of fabrication in this story.

On to the hear and now...

You both need to read everything this site has to offer start with the popular links list on the right portion of this screen. Order HNHN, SAA.

I agree with JKT. Your H's version of things seems more like a Penthouse letter than a true story.

There's more to it. You might post on GQ II, there is a lot more traffic there.

I agree the story sounds very unusual. I guess that's why I didn't post for several weeks, I felt that same disbelief, but at this point I don't believe it is a fabrication. I would love him to be this evil, lying scumbag that betrayed him wife, because then it makes it alot easier to hate him for what he did, but he isn't and I don't hate him. The reason I believe my husband is that he has been very open with me, has been honest with me, swears up and down that nothing else happened, and he really only went to her room to get a business card on the way back to his room. I find the behavior quite out of character for him. He is the type of man who has never had a one night stand, even when he was single, quite available with much opportunity, and has spent 25 yrs in the military as well. He has only had three sexual relationships- his first wife, his girlfriend after that, and myself. Now, could he have led her on some way, I think that's possible, as he sometimes thinks he's just being "friendly" in a conversation when others could interpret that as flirting. But other than that, I believe him because I know him, I guess. I guess I misspoke when I said he was not attracted to others, I mean, everyone is when you see someone you find physically attractive, but never to the point where he would act on it.
Either way, he has extreme guilt about it all. He knows something is wrong with him that he didn't walk away when he should have. He wants to fix himself and our marriage.
I'm not so much pissed off as disappointed in him and our marriage, as this is not behavior one expects of a spouse, and any sexual contact is cheating, whether you finish the act or not, whether you initiate the act or not. It wouldn't matter to me--it still feels just as bad in my mind. It would piss me off a lot if I thought he was lying, but if he was lying, why? Why put all this (our marriage, our life, our health) on the line and then lie about it? Why say anything at all? He could have kept his mouth shut and not told me at all.
It didn't really occur to me to leave him, as I am still in love with him, and he is very remorseful. We have spent a lot of time talking every night for the last two weeks about what he did, how we can fix things, how we can make our marriage better than before. I guess what bothers me most is he just can't figure out (or admit to himself) why he did it, other than he didn't avoid the on-ramp to sin like he should have. He didn't have his guard up against it. And I'm speculating, but I suspect at that moment she met an intimacy need or sexual need that he wasn't getting. I don't think he went looking for anything that night, but when the opportunity arose, he failed himself and our marriage. He definitely says this is none of my fault, which I know, everyone controls their own actions. I guess that's where the therapy comes in. I have been reading the website and His needs, Her needs, which ironically he owned already due to his divorce. I never read it totally when we got married because of course we had the perfect Christian marriage. Sorry, hard to keep out my sarcasm there.
Well, thanks for hearing me out again, I think I just need to rant and rave a little because we haven't started therapy yet, and its hard to keep this inside with no one to talk to but him about it.
bimidd

How do I post it to GQII. Cut and paste?

bimidd,

Just some thoughts. Let's suppose that your H's story is factual. If that is the case, then I can understand how it happened and why.

You will hear a lot on this site about having plans, plans to protect ones boundaries, plans to rebuild the marriage, plans to address on thing or another. The reason that plans are so emphasized is because with plans come preparation, and then the ability to adjust to situations and make the right decisions.

Given your H's sexual history, I would guess he had NO PLAN for the situation that confronted him. Yes, I mean a naked woman that he knows. Most men would not. It would only happen in a dream. Further, if she then walks up and does what he said, I can imagine that he would be soooo stunned he could not react.

Eventually he did react and he left. But, I know of few men and I am alot older than you, that would envision something like this happening to them, thus they would be ill prepared to respond in the proper way, get up and leave.

I note that the sex act was NOT consumated according to his story, and that suggests that he was in fact stunned into failing to respond immediately.

Does this make you feel a lot better? Probably not, but if the events started as he stated, then the consequences are not surprising nor do they indicate an intention to betray you.

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

You can cut& paste to post I think.

This sounds like a classic case of improper boundaries. If he truly wants to avoid these types of events (and now the suspicion of them from you which is only natural since he has broken trust) then he shouldn't put himself in the situation. He should never have been in her room alone, period.

Sounds old-fashioned I know. This from someone who had no problem with her H going to lunch with his female boss every day for 2 years... until the A started with the boss. Argh, live & learn.

Avoid even the appearance of impropriety and you both won't have to worry. It is hard in business, because everyone expects self-control. Good planning and good rules agreed upon in advance are better than relying on self-control.

MSA

In fact, there are some points in the story that lead me to believe that it just might be - because I see many parallels in how I responded when a similar situation arose with me (in my case, it was my bachelor's party, and my friends had hired a fairly loose woman to come on to me). Then there's the fact that her H spoke about the incident so shortly afterwards (of course, it could be possible that the "OW" had tried to blackmail him, which could explain the emotional stress).

I wonder if the original poster subsequently approached the "OW" to get her version of events? Just mentioning to her H that she was planning to do that might be enough for him to tell her the truth, if he hasn't done so already.