yes,THIS STUFF DOES WORK! - 02/01/01 06:04 AM
Often in the throes of the agony that discovery is, people need encouragement for the marathon that is involved in fighting for either 1) your marriage or 2) a new life.<P>In my case, I got my marriage back, well, not the old one, but rather, something we both love and can live with. This is what GOD did in our life THROUGH MB & counseling:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009873.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/009873.html</A> <P>The second is an update, over a year later...just recently. There are miracles to be had...but some of them aren't what we expect. Some people at the Divorce forum are living miracles, too. God can do wonderful things in your life, if you are willing to change, pray, and love those around you with a tough love:<P>Here is our story:<P>Before anyone blasts me with why I am wrong and how this isn't true in your case...I KNOW that not all affairs are about unmet sexual needs...but MY husbands was, almost completely. <BR>I wanted to reflect on it and share some of the ways we have been working towards a healthy marriage. I get kinda frank, so skip this if sex is a taboo topic for you.<P>When we married, I was a virgin, by choice. I had dated about 35-40 guys, a couple for several months, most of them just once or twice because they didn't interest me. <P>We met at church and dated for a year. We kept our physical relationship quite controlled, petting with clothing on only. <BR>The second year he proposed and we were engaged throughout his last year of college. We still did not engage in intercourse. We married after he graduated. <P>On our honeymoon, things were far from 'movie perfect' and he did not feel the passion he had felt with the other girlfriend. In his frustration, he informed me "look, you are NOT the great love of my life, XXX was, so get over it! I do not feel passionate toward you. You are my best friend. You DO NOT turn me on. I married you because we get along well. Deal with it." <P>His own disappointment came out in anger. Since neither of us knew how to heal this rift, we just glossed over the problem. <P>Sex became a means to release of tension, initiated when one of us felt the need and convinced the other to participate. <P>The times when we were trying to get pregnant were a bit more relaxed and fun. <P>The hurt I had felt at his stinging words on our honeymoon stayed with me for all the years until his affair and our counseling sessions began. I was able to tell him word for word what he had said then. <P>He had difficulty believing that he had been that blunt and cruel, but he admitted that he was full of rage when he realized that he didn't have the feelings towards his wife that he hoped would materialize after the wedding.<P>For literally xx years, we never discussed this. I was always confused at the sudden swing in his attitude toward me, as he had been an adoring fiance and our physical relationship had been good as we looked forward to marriage.<P>When the honesty began and our sex life was put 'on the table' in our sessions, we were able to share how we had hurt each other repeatedly for xx years. Because of his affair, I was jolted into realizing that he was NOT the only one to have broken our vows. <P>I had refused him sex over and over for weeks at a time, because I felt so rejected and unattractive. This, in turn, made him feel even less manly and desirable. When the OW came on to him (hand on his crotch) and suggested an affair because "I have never been SOOOO sexually attracted to any man" (giggle here, because she is a serial adulteress), he was in her car for a BJ in a day, and at a hotel room in three days. <P>Absolutely RIPE for an affair.<P>The affair was romantic, hot and heavy for 3 months, then another 12 months of once a month "If she was horny" nooners. She broke his heart when he discovered she was also sleeping with the boss.<P>Now, almost three years since it started, my h. is physically ill at the thought of her. <P>He admits that he always knew she "was NOT a good person, actually she is a #itch", but that the relationship was 'hot' and made him feel young and alive again.<P>Do I accept blame for his affair? <P>OF COURSE NOT! He could have told me he was miserable, he SHOULD have told me before he put my health at risk...<P>BUT<BR>I did not seek help for our sexual problems, I refused him much more than I consented, and I DID contribute to the sexual void in our relationship. I felt quite justified in doing so, because of his put downs. However, I just added gas to a smoldering ember.<P>We have made great strides in our physical relationship, mainly because we discussed and agreed to meet each others needs. <P>Sometimes I am not interested in being sexual. I can still give him pleasure. Even during my period, a wonderful product call 'Instead' which is like a disposable diaphram, can prevent the mess. <P>It took many months of non-sexual massage, neck rubs, pats on the bottom and nightly snuggling to heal all the pain of his betrayal. <P>But one night, I said timidly, "I just wish our sexual relationship could surpass what you felt with her." His reply, "Don't you know? That pales in comparison to what we have now".<P>What we learned from this?<P>I learned I was WRONG to tell him that his need for sex is unreasonable. I was WRONG to think of him as an animal or less evolved than I am because of how God made him.<P>He was WRONG to think that my need for cuddling and kindness and help around the house is silly. He was WRONG to think that I am immature if I need to be sweet talked and coddled.<P>An article we read said something like, <P>If your young child is thirsty in the night, you don't explain to them that they don't need a drink because YOU aren't thirsty. <P>You meet their need because only you can and because you SHOULD. <P>Your marriage is like that. You are the one God put in your spouses life to meet their needs. They are in your life to meet your needs. If you don't do it, don't be surprised when the need overwhelms their desire to be a good and righteous person.<P>my 5 dollars worth,<BR>Liz <P><p>[This message has been edited by alias (edited June 07, 2001).]