just caught my wife and I'm devestated - Marriage Builders® Forums

I feel weird writing this to a bunch of strangers, but it started about a month ago. I knew my wife was cheating but her complete 180 degree change. She began staying out late with "friends" coming home at 4:00 am with ever excuse you could imagine. I fell asleep on my freinds couch, I drank too much and didn't want to drive home. Finnally this last Wednesday everything came to a head. I was waiting up for her it was 3:30 in the morning when the phone rang. I said hello and quickly the caller hung up. The caller I.D. said a males name. I called back and recieved a guys voicemail. After calling back he picked up and I asked for my wife he said he called the wrong number. At 4:00 my wife came up yelling at me, telling me she can't stand being with me. I asked her who this guy was and lie after lie came out of her mouth. After talking until 6:00 in the morning she admitted the affair, but continued to lie about how far it went. Well it's 2 days later and I haven't eaten since Wednesday evening, I have only slept 3 hours, and I'm completely devestated. She is very sorry and has ended the affair, quit her job to put my mind at ease, and is pleading with me to stay with her. I forgave her but the pain and thoughts are so strong how can I reconcile? It's strange I always looked at men in my position thinking why do they stay? I would never put up with that. But now I feel compelled to stay. My biggest fear is 10, 15, 20 years down the line she does this again, and I'll look back to this moment and regret so much that I stayed. I'm young only 25 and I have time to rebuild a new life without her. But I love her so much it's hard to imagine my life without her. Is there any hope? does this pain go away?

THanks for listening

Hi Mike

Welcome to MB. I wish I had more time, I saw your post and decided to quick say welcome.

Weekends can be slow, so hang in their, you will get responses.

I know this is very painful for you, and sorry you are going through this.

I will try to come back when I have some decent time to devot to your post.

Hi Mike,
Sorry you have to be here, but you can probably get some help.

Lets take your questions first.

Is there any hope?
The short answer is yes. But it's more complicated than that. This is the place you come when you have thought it through, you know you love her, and you know you want to make it work. Remember that you don't have to try, you choose to try.

does this pain go away?
It takes a very long time to go away.
If you have a hard time functioning, you should see your Doc about anti depressant meds. They really help in most cases so you can work and function. The residual effects take much longer but you get to where you can live OK.

I recommend you start reading the basic concepts found linked above by the site logo. I also recommend you get Surviving an Affair, and His needs, Her needs by Dr Harley. If you want to fix this, the will give you a good start.

Counseling usually helps you both understand this better and cope with your feelings.

I am so sorry about this, Let us know how you are doing. Note that weekends are often slow and you may not get many replies. I usually don't come on at all on weekends, just happened to be here tonight.

SS

Mike, you can recover. You can even have a great marriage after, and be confident it won't happen again. Click on the link in my signature line to find out how.

Mike,
I needed to Re-register just to answer you. Listen, You are now going through the same thing I did and the end result we could not move past the affair. There were to many red-flags and it just happened again, staying out late, waiting up. The whole thing it was a repeat performance and we had children to add to the situation. If you really love her then go to a MC and try. But she must be unhappy, somthing is wrong with your marriage that she needed to find this relationship elsewhere. Think this out, what made her do it?

AS

Thanks for writing,
Adam I know she was unhappy, I was unhappy too, I wasn't a good husband, she wasn't a good wife. But the difference is I always looked at our marriage like an optimist. I always thought tomorrow would be better. I always thought eventually I would make more money, we'd get a bigger house, she wouldn't have to work and we'd be happy. This is what I thought everyday. My wife has lost interest in sex with me I'm sexually frustrated and unhappy, but I never stepped out. I had opportunities but never did. I know I haven't been there for her, but she hasn't been there for me and I refuse to blame myself right now. No matter how bad the marriage was nobody deserves this. I wouldn't wish this on the guy who was seeing my wife.
Adam your story means a lot, the fact that your wife just cheated again. That's exactly what I am afraid of, and I am leaning towards just cutting ties and moving on. I can't go through this again. I also have a son and if it wasn't for him I would've probably been gone a year and half ago. If I leave now I
1. Regain my dignity and manhood
2. Circumvent the possibility of being hurt
by her again.
3. Gain the opportunity to rebuild my life
for myself.
4. Have the opportunity to have fun which I
haven't had in years.
5. Have the opportunity to meet someone who
hasn't crushed me, and loves me, and
commits to me.
If I stay I have the opportunity to.
1. Raise my son, myself and not just be a
visiting stranger.
2. Rebuild a life with a woman I still love
very very much.
But either way my life is going to be very hard to bear. I'm screwed either way I go, hopeless.

I really don't see it that way. If this was a short term affair then try very hard to rebuild your life with her. But this must be a joint commitment. You are young and that also works for you and your wife. If you love her and she truly loves you then find a local community counceling group to help you rebuild "this is a must". Both of you need to rebuild your trust and commitment to each other. You need to do your homework . If you love her and she truly loves you then work together to rebuild. This was your wake up call.

Mike*24...I'm glad your discovered this site, it's got a lot of valuable information so please, READ and take from it what you believe will best benefit your situation. It will explain somewhat about how you and your W are feeling, the emotions which are on the rampage. It will offer valuable tools with the goal of having a more honest, healthy, and loving relationship.

No matter what you did or didn't do in your marriage...You are NOT...I repeat...NOT...responsbile in any way for your W's choice to betray you, your marriage, your family, herself. That was HER choice.

Yes, we as the BS must face the facts that issues needed to be worked on in the marriage, all marriages need improving, some more then others and we share equally in the condition of the marriage prior to a betrayal, but we do NOT have to share nor can we share responsiblity in a decision we didn't even know was "on the table".

It's pretty normal to advise those who are in so much pain, dealing with so much anger, and so many other conflicting and overwhelming emotions that it's not the best time for you to make a decision which will not only effect your life forever, but will also effect your son's. We can make some really bad choices while in the mists of all these emotions.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DECIDE RIGHT NOW TO STAY OR GO! Give yourself and your W sometime to work through all of this. And it will take time. Find a good MC (marriage counselor), do NOT try to do this alone, you need an outside guide while you began seeking your healing path. Each path is different, yet some aspects are all the same. Each path has it's own timeframe based on the healing of the BS, not when the WS feels it's time to move on.

Some marriages shouldn't survive, some are indeed worthy of saving and making the relationship the foundation in which to draw strength from thoughout the years. I don't know which type of marriage you and your W have, that is your decision and hers to make TOGETHER. But it is worthy of an effort to see if what the two of you have together is worth saving or not.

You really can rebuild your marriage into a healthier, more honest, more loving, stronger marriage IF you and your W are willing to do the hard work. You can create the marriage "of your dreams", a stable homelife for your son to grow to manhood in, one where he will learn the lessons of how to deal with a crisis, that two partners working together can do amazing things. Not bad lessons to teach.

Good Luck!

Thanks for the advice it's very good, we are going to see a MC as soon as possible. In a way I think she is more destroyed than me. She admitted everything to me last night, and was hysterical with guilt, to the point where she wanted to commit suicide. We've been together since she was 16 and I'm the only one she's ever been with. She said she has no feelings for the guy, she just selfishly wanted to know what it would be like to be with someone else. She said she hated it and got physically ill and it was the biggest mistake of her life. I've been with a bunch of women before we were married. So I knew sex is sex no real big surprises, but she never learned that, and in a way I always new this may become a problem, and in my heart I think I knew it would ventually happen. I know there's other issues and she knows that too. The sex act doesn't get me mad per se' it was all of the coldness, lying, and deception. But I do love her and have to try to make this work, I think it can with a lot of help. Thanks for the replies.

Mike I highly recomend you and your W read Dr Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair''His Needs, Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'. This website has many articles that are in the books but the books go into much further detail. I equally recomend that you and your W fill out the EN(Emotional Needs) questionaire and the LB(Love Busters) questionaire. If the two of you do these things, your marital recovery will be greatly enhanced and your 'new' marriage will be light years better than the 'old' one.

Keep us posted.

I understand how hard this can be. I found out three months ago that my W of 23 years was having an A, in fact she told me, did not want to break it off, and moved out. She, too, was 16 when we began dating and had never been with anyone but me and said she had do this. I didn't sleep, didn't eat (lost 30 pounds), in short was devistated. Her A seems to be over now but she has not made any move toward returning or wanting to work on our M, in part because of the guilt she feels. If your W is willing to try, and you still feel love for her, do everything you can to keep your M alive. Stay on this site, ask questions, read, and let us know how things are going. It won't be easy, it may be that the two of you will not succeed, but my money is on you making it if you both are willing to give it your best efforts. You want to be able to say to yourself that you did everything you could to save a M to the woman you love, that you didn't allow the chance for a happy life together to die because of pride or lack of commitment. Believe me, I would give anything for another chance.

Mike,

you have received alot of good advice. Do not make decisions about leaving while your emotions are raw and on a roller coaster.

You do have one thing in your favor, your W is showing remorse over what she has done. There are many here on this site who are doing a Plan A, hoping that their WS will notice and want to make the M work and leave the A. Your W has already left the A, done many things to prove to you that she is sincere in making this work such as quiting her job. Many here do not have that. You are ahead of the game already.

Read the books that were suggested. They saved my sanity many times. Currently my SAA book is on loan to a friend. This is the 3rd person I have loaned my book to, and everyone had nothing but good things to say about it.

Just because you are young and can start over should you walk away. Only walk when you know you will not have regrets. This early, you may have regrets that you did not try harder. My first response was to call a divorce attorney. He wanted to know why I wanted a divorce, I told him. His response was, many marriages have survived affairs. Before you come to me and file, you have to know you have done everything you could have done to save your M. He said he did not want any clients having regrets about their decision. I called a second divorce attorney, I received the same response. I also knew I loved my H very much and really did not want a divorce, so I figured if, I was getting divorce attorneys telling me this, maybe, I had better not be so hasty.

Also, your son is a very good reason to try to make it work. Probably the best one you can come up with.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> 5. Have the opportunity to meet someone who hasn't crushed me, and loves me, and
commits to me. <hr /></blockquote>Who's to say the new person won't crush you too. You don't know that. Maybe they will not accept your son, there are many issues to consider when bringing a new person into the scenario.

Many who have recovered from A's have said their M's are better, more alive, more exciting.

Mike, I'm sorry to hear about your pain. We all know how you feel. Today is one month since I found out about my wife's A. Many of your circumstances sound similar to mine. One thing that we definately both have in common is that we have children, we love our wives, our wives love us, and we want to try to fix things. I think those are very important ingrediants to have. One month ago when I first posted here and people told me that my marriage could actually get better than it was before, I didn't believe them. In fact, I thought they must be crazy or that they can't be "real men" because no real man would stand for this. One month later and I feel much differently. My point is that you should hold off on any major life changing decisions right now. Go to MC. Go to the homepage of this site and do the concepts with your wife. Talk to her a lot. One thing I did with my wife that I think will have a long term positive effect was to tell her the truth. We had been together for 12 years. We dated all through college, etc. I said to her on D-day that now was the time to clear the air. If we were going to have a chance to make it then ALL lies, including lies of ommision, need to out there. 100% honesty because even the smallest lie in the future could be devastating to find out. Both of us had some things to confess to each other, including the fact that I had two one night stands when we were dating in college. It wasn't easy, and it made a difficult day even harder, but I think it was good. It laid the groundwork for a truly honest relationship, which is the only kind of relationship that can work after an affair.

Get to work. Like you, I knew my marriage wasn't perfect. Now is the time to try and fix the problems that preceded this. In time you'll gain the clarity you need to make a choice. Until then try to stay as positive as possible. I now believe those people who told me my marriage could get better. Mine already has, although I am still realing from the pain of the A. Good luck and be patient right now. Like you said, you're young so time is not of the essence. You can afford to take the time to make sure you do the right thing for you. You'll know soon enough, but right now is too soon to know. -J

Hi Mike*24,

Welcome to MB... I'm sorry that you are hurting so much right now... Many of us have been right where you are and know what you're going through.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> If I leave now I
1. Regain my dignity and manhood
<hr /></blockquote>Would you really? Your dignity and manhood are NOT defined by the actions of your W or anyone else. IMHO, only YOU can choose to give these traits away...

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> 2. Circumvent the possibility of being hurt by her again. <hr /></blockquote>What's to say that the next person that comes along won't do the same thing? It is possible to regain trust with your W, but it takes lots of hard work from BOTH of you.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> 3. Gain the opportunity to rebuild my life for myself. <hr /></blockquote>True... but how does this affect your son?

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> 4. Have the opportunity to have fun which I haven't had in years. <hr /></blockquote>You can have fun with your W... but again, it will take a lot of hard work from BOTH of you...

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> 5. Have the opportunity to meet someone who hasn't crushed me, and loves me, and commits to me. <hr /></blockquote>The pain you feel is real. You will never forget... but you can learn to deal with it and move past it.

Get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. Our MC suggested this book and my FWW and I worked through it together.

Hang in there and don't make any "life altering" decisions for the next 6 months... Find a good pro-marriage MC and start going. Get some meds if you need them. Read all of the articls here on the MB website and keep posting.

It IS possible to recover from all of this. My FWW had multiple affairs during our first three years of marriage, but I can honestly say that now our M is better than I ever dreamed was possible.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Mike,

I understand you're struggle. My marriage had gotten to the point where it would have been easy to walk away. Yet, I had that optimistic outlook that said, maybe it'll get better. I travelled a lot in my job at the time and had PLENTY of opportunity, but I didn't have an A.

I have two daughters, and at the time, this played a pretty big part in my decision to not "kick her to the curb". Broken homes, in my opinion, are one of the biggest problems in America today.

The road to recovery is not an easy one. If you choose to stay together, the next year will be VERY difficult. BUT, recovery is possible if you AND your wife are comitted to the process. I really don't see any marriage shattered by an affair really recovering well without the comittment of both parties.

When Jane confessed her A, my life was completely destroyed. It has been a real journey back. But, life can get better. You can be better. In fact, this is the kind of trauma that can easily be the catalyst for some major changes to yourself and your marriage.

I've made it sound tough, and don't get the idea that it's not, IT IS. But, if you choose to continue in your marriage (and it is YOUR decision now), then you can get past this and your marriage can be stronger than it ever was before.

My marriage isn't perfect now by any stretch, but it is so much better than it ever was before. My kids and Jane and I are all benefiting from the love we've learned to give each other. Did I mention that it's been 2 1/2 years now?

Thank you again for all of your advice these past five days have truly been hell, I'm stilla wreck but it comes and goes. My wife and I went on a date last night and I can honestly say it was a great night. We showed so much love and affection for each other. We didn't really discuss what was going on, just had a good night. But today was a 180 turn. I was a mess again, and when I get distraught she gets cold because she says she can't handle the guilt, and that she did this to me. I also have trouble in knowing her true intentions of wanting to reconcile. We just bought a home and had a comfortable living before this. If I do divorce her she will be a 22 yr old single mom, I know this scares the hell out of her. So I can't know if she wants to work this out because she truly loves me, or just can't loose her comfort level. And the help and support I give her. She says all that she wants in life is to be my wife and my sons mother. But she had that less than a week ago, and this wasn't near enough for her to be happy. How can she change in five days, and now our life is enough? I feel like a crazy person I go from loving her so deeply, to being so angry, and resenting her and just wanting to get the hell out of here. Do anyother men out there who have children begin to question the paternity of some of there children? I have one son and now I wonder if he is mine, maybe she was cheating on me then also, is this normal? Can anyone else relate to these thoughts?

Mike*24 hi,

Apparantly the statistics on children fathered by men other than the husband are around 10%. DNA screening is now freely available and I, for one, would like to see its use to validate fatherhood become systematic.

In your case it may help bring home to your WW the seriousness of the damage she has done to your relationship. I fear that you are victim of a marriage to someone who wasn't mature enough to enter into a marriage. You also may be in the same situation. If that child is yours you both need to dedicate your lives to bringing him up; if he is not you need to get out of there.

[ May 05, 2003, 01:56 AM: Message edited by: olderandwiser ]

Mike*24...you made an excellent choice in logging on to Marriage Builders. It is an incredible site that offers so much, in the way of words and wisdom. You are experiencing, what all we betrayed spouses fear. Unfortunately, you will go through so many emotions, you will feel that you cannot cope at times. However, you will overcome this and you can work out your marriage. It is an extremely stressful time for you, but a word of advice....surround yourself with loving people who can comfort you and help you rebuild. Do not surround yourself with people who view you as the martyr. You are the victim, but you need to overcome this to move on. Trust me, it is sound advice and works. It may not seem this way at the present, but eventually, you will work it out. Prayer and a clear head with guide you.

Good Luck

Very sound advice olderandwiser, I talked to my mother and she will pay for the DNA test to verify if my son is mine, so I don't arouse suspicion with $500 missing from our account. I won't tell my wife because it will only hurt her and I just need to know. My wife got pregnant very shortly after I returned from an extended business trip. About 5 days after, they were never able to determine the conception date because my wifes cycles are irregular. They guestimated and my son was supposedly 3 weeks early but he was almost 8 lbs so he easily could have been full term, which would mean he was conceived when I was 8000 miles away. I never had a reason to doubt, because I honestly thought she was an angel, and would never cheat on me. But in retrospect, and the fact that we've been having unprotected sex for two years and she hasn't gotten pregnant again, makes me wonder if it's probable that my son is not mine. The worst thing is right now that my wife is late. She may be pregnant, this is the same cycle she cheated on me. I told her that if she's pregnant, we could not reconcile. I couldn't live 9 months waiting to see if this baby is mine. She said she would get an abortion and I told her I couldn't live with that either knowing we may have killed our child. So if she's pregnant I believe it's a game ender unfortunately. What a mess!!

Mike,

I have some advice for you: STOP

You are speculating and making things far worse than they are likely to be. If you are going to do some testing make sure your W gets tested for STD's.

As for the testing your child or her impending pregnancy, think about this very carefully. If she is now pregnant I think you would be absolutely crazy to leave without knowing if the child is yours. That will take 9 months. Wait that long. You are very young and I know you are in panic.

But slow down. Give this a least 9 months and hopefully a year. Work on making your end of the marriage a good one. This is great if you marriage makes it, and it will help you NOT add tot he statistics that 3/4 of second marriages fail. Why do they fail? People don't learn anything from the first one is a major reason.

So don't go jumping to unfounded conclusions concerning the paternatity of your current child or the one you don't even know if your W is pregnant with. If her periods are irregular then my bet is that the stress of all of this is affecting her periods now. What you have stated is not "proof" that she is prenant much less by OM.

Calm down. Work on loving your W. Work on being a better H. Do the reading that several here have recommended. Don't be a young fool running off making life altering decisions WITHOUT doing your homework. There is a saying that is attributed to some fairly well known counselors: Have you earned your divorce yet? I don't think you have.

I appreciate that you are deeply hurt. I apreciate that you have deep doubts about your W and your marriage. If you read here your feelings are very normal. So are your W's.

Do your homework, give this time, and don't start imagining worse scenarios that you are already in right now. You have enough to deal with without borrowing trouble.

God Bless,

JL

Hello Mike.....Im gonna make alot of folk mad...Im gonna be the antagonist. I went through almost the identical experience you have just gone through. Except, my wife did the same thing to me 6yrs ago when we seperated. We got together when she was young....17, me 20. We dated for 6yrs and then got married. We have 2 young children. My EX used to complain about not living her life and like she missed out on her young adult dating and living on her own. Well, she moved out without much of an explantation except "I dont know whats wrong, its me"....."I feel like I missed out on being on my own"....."You are too controlling". Well...she moved out for 3mo. dated and then came begging back sayin she made a mistake and it was her fault she left....yada, yada, yada. We stayed together, had two kids and exactly 8yrs later....the same behavior.....staying out late, leaving me with the kids....high cell phone bills with ONE number on it. It was a freakin joke. Well, I lost it one night and we got into a huge argument...ya know what I was told?? You are to controlling, Ive been going through the motions for a year.....I was scared the last time I left and should have stayed gone. This time, I let her go and move on with the OM. I could not trust her again. I felt if she felt trapped 10-15yrs from now, she would put me through the same crap. Since our seperation and divorce a year ago, this is what has happened. The OM has been on again and off again several times with my WW. The WW had called crying and has cried numerous times when I pick up my kids. I have since met a beautiful woman who appreciates me and wonders "What was your EX looking for"? Anyhow, I moved on Mike....I could never trust my EX again. I met someone who is my best friend and has been in a truly horrible marriage before. My EX was young when we married and felt the grass was greener. She has ALWAYS felt that way. I can see it very clearly now. I truly hope she is happy and has found her soulmate. I sure wasnt. Have a great day and hang in there. Sorry to be so negative, but not all marriages are meant to be.......and you need to see both sides. Not just the side of staying in a bad marriage. Laytuh!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

PS......I dont care what other say. Once TRUST is lost (even if its forgiven) things are NEVER, EVER the same. People can say they are over the loss of trust and they have forgiven, but it will always raise its ugly head. It is always in the back of your mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I don't agree with that. My H broke my trust many years ago and I feel that its back. Is it the same as before? maybe not, and probably that is a good thing, I tend to be overly trusting, gullible,niave etc.

I was the WS, and my h and I are working on our marriage. I love him dearly and the guilt is overwhelming at times 9 mos later. Its gotten easier for him, but its still there.. he works with OM so its in his face 5x a week. ANYWHO. If you wife wants to work on it, don't giveup, both the BS and the WS have to heal. Not only did I have to heal from OM, I had to heal from hurting my H *and* myself.

I respect all opinions, Im just giving mine. Once you have lost trust......its very hard to recover. Its Mikes decision if he wants to deal with all the forthcoming drama. I just felt he deserved to hear both sides of the argument. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Itsover thank you for your story, that in fact is my worst nightmare. I'm confident she feels she missed out on life, and if we do reconcile she will feel this again. She has many issues she has to deal with, she had a horrible childhood, she compusively lies, she has dependency issues, she has low self esteem. Before we were married I had more freinds than I knew what to do with. Now looking back I can honestly say I don't have one true freind left. I've dedicated all of my energy to being her caretaker, and looking out for her that I've completely isolated myself. Maybe I'm overreacting maybe she really is a nice loving women. But I can't help to think the worst and that her deception goes a lot deeper than I even know about now. I talked to a guy I work with who I know's marriage is on the rocks. He said he's been together 12 years they've had ups and downs, they've done counseling and breifly changed. But deep down people do not change. I think it's ironic that the very thing that attracts you to someone, will later be the catylyst to ruin the relationship. For this thing to work I have to deal with years of pain, never having the same relationship, deal with her lies until she fully comes to grips with everything that has happened and is honest with me about everything since the beginning of our relationship. I just don't know if I have the energy or strength, or the belief that she can change, or wants to change.

I'm going to agree that Mike needs to hear both opinions and other types of experience. It's not likely that any of them will be exactly what Mike is dealing with, but he needs to know that whatever he decides...it's his right to decide. What may be a dealbreaker for one, is not necessarily a dealbreaker for another.

Plus...everyone needs to realize that no matter what...their life is NOT over. If they stay and rebuild and really work to have a healthier marriage...that's one option. If they choose to move on without the betrayer beside them...they will still have a life one that will be as rich as they are willing to work to make it happen.

I think wondering if a child is "mine" is something that will always go through a man's head when his W has betrayed him. Even if they feel in their hearts and the kid looks just like them. It's a scary idea to wonder if your child is yours, something that mom's don't have to deal with, betrayed or not. BUT...most men discover that their child is theirs, not from some betrayal. (Thank the good Lord.) I pray that this is what you discover.

As to if your W is PG now, move carefully. This could be your child she is carring.

One more quick example and I will let it go.......A lady that works across the hall from me was just like my EX. She was married young....felt there was more in life to experience than her husband. She kept leaving home, coming back, leaving home....same ol story. One day after 10yrs of marriage, a college degree and 3 kids this woman thought she was ready to live her life. There would be noone to control her or tell her what to do. She could come and go as she pleased and date anyone she wanted to. Well.......her husband gave her the divorce she had craved for years.........fast forward 10yrs later....NOW....her EX is happily remarried and she is still searching for that other guy. She told me in her own words...." I made a huge mistake that I will have to pay for...for the rest of my life" "I gave up what I thought was out their, a good father, and husband". The lady also told me I needed to let my EX go....I was talking with her during my seperation. She was giving me some advise. She said my EX sounded just like her she said....and until you let her go she will NEVER change. She said when someone feels in their soul that there is more out there and they are missing something, until they SEE first hand for themselves....they will never change. Anyhow, I will let ya think on that one. Good luck again and have a good day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Mike,

Like many others, I am here to tell you what you are thinking and feeling is totally normal and in fact, exactly what most of us say and feel at the time. You need to nurse yourself right now and that is it. No decisions. Get into marriage counselling, take care of yourself and see.

My counsellor at the time, told me to do the therapy, work on my marriage and not decide one way or the other for one year. You see, at that point you will be calmer (you are still in shock), you will have some counselling under your belt and, I hope, your wife and you will have spent a great deal of time working things out. As a father you no longer have the right to make snap decisions about the marriage since they don't only affect you but helpless children. After a year, if things don't work out, you can hold your head up high and truthfully say you did your very best, but what if they do work out...beautifully....you deserve to know if it is possible.

If she is remorseful and is no longer cheating and wants to make things right from now on, you have an amazing chance and you will have truth and honesty on your side.

Also, this is an excellent time to pray. I did and I got a lot of help with the physical side of the pain and the mental anguish too. You can pray for relief.
Good luck. You are certainly not alone.

Mike,

About your son... All his life you have been his real father. Fatherhood is more than biology. Do you want to risk losing the relationship you have with this boy?

Yes, if he's not your son, you could D on the basis of Adultry - and if you renounce fatherhood, you could get out of paying child support, but is that what you want? Is it just genetics and money?

It's a hard decision, I know. I'm sure I'm the father of my child, but I thought about checking just be be "scientifically sure" - and decided against it. My child is the most important thing in my life. She will always be my child and would still be even if the biology/genetics were not there.

Just my 2-cents.

-AD

Hey Mike-

Brother I feel your pain right now. I am about one month ahead as far as D-Days go, with situations eerily similar. It is going to be an emotional roller coaster.

Here's my advice to you that hasn't been said yet. I would secure a counselor for yourself, one on one. It is great to have an objective 3rd party to help you through this, not just biased friends and family with possible agendas. I never in a million years thought I would be the guy "on the couch", but I glad I'm going now. Having your own counselor will give you the cheerleader you deserve right now, and help clear the smoke you're prabably experiencing.

Take it one day at a time and talk to your wife when you can!

Hang in there, buddy!!

_______________________
D-Day 3-24-03
M - 3 years
BS- 30 WW-28
"We can't change what we did, we can only change what we do."

Hello,
In response to AD I do love my son genetics or not, but i just need to know. I would always be his daddy no matter what the outcome was. I really love her and I know her feelings for me have changed, as have mine for her. But we both agreed yesterday that it's probably fixable, we still love each other very very much, and we deserve it to ourselves and my son to try. I don't believe in God but I think I would put my faith in the easter bunny right now, if I knew it would help me through this mess.

Mike,

Just a note to say that I am thinking of you and your family. I pray that you and your wife will seek out a therapist to help you navigate the rebuilding process.

Use all the resources available to you. You both can do this. You have a wonderful opportunity here. Be patient and diligent.