I feel weird writing this to a bunch of strangers, but it started about a month ago. I knew my wife was cheating but her complete 180 degree change. She began staying out late with "friends" coming home at 4:00 am with ever excuse you could imagine. I fell asleep on my freinds couch, I drank too much and didn't want to drive home. Finnally this last Wednesday everything came to a head. I was waiting up for her it was 3:30 in the morning when the phone rang. I said hello and quickly the caller hung up. The caller I.D. said a males name. I called back and recieved a guys voicemail. After calling back he picked up and I asked for my wife he said he called the wrong number. At 4:00 my wife came up yelling at me, telling me she can't stand being with me. I asked her who this guy was and lie after lie came out of her mouth. After talking until 6:00 in the morning she admitted the affair, but continued to lie about how far it went. Well it's 2 days later and I haven't eaten since Wednesday evening, I have only slept 3 hours, and I'm completely devestated. She is very sorry and has ended the affair, quit her job to put my mind at ease, and is pleading with me to stay with her. I forgave her but the pain and thoughts are so strong how can I reconcile? It's strange I always looked at men in my position thinking why do they stay? I would never put up with that. But now I feel compelled to stay. My biggest fear is 10, 15, 20 years down the line she does this again, and I'll look back to this moment and regret so much that I stayed. I'm young only 25 and I have time to rebuild a new life without her. But I love her so much it's hard to imagine my life without her. Is there any hope? does this pain go away?

THanks for listening

Hi Mike

Welcome to MB. I wish I had more time, I saw your post and decided to quick say welcome.

Weekends can be slow, so hang in their, you will get responses.

I know this is very painful for you, and sorry you are going through this.

I will try to come back when I have some decent time to devot to your post.

Hi Mike,
Sorry you have to be here, but you can probably get some help.

Lets take your questions first.

Is there any hope?
The short answer is yes. But it's more complicated than that. This is the place you come when you have thought it through, you know you love her, and you know you want to make it work. Remember that you don't have to try, you choose to try.

does this pain go away?
It takes a very long time to go away.
If you have a hard time functioning, you should see your Doc about anti depressant meds. They really help in most cases so you can work and function. The residual effects take much longer but you get to where you can live OK.

I recommend you start reading the basic concepts found linked above by the site logo. I also recommend you get Surviving an Affair, and His needs, Her needs by Dr Harley. If you want to fix this, the will give you a good start.

Counseling usually helps you both understand this better and cope with your feelings.

I am so sorry about this, Let us know how you are doing. Note that weekends are often slow and you may not get many replies. I usually don't come on at all on weekends, just happened to be here tonight.

SS

Mike, you can recover. You can even have a great marriage after, and be confident it won't happen again. Click on the link in my signature line to find out how.

Mike,
I needed to Re-register just to answer you. Listen, You are now going through the same thing I did and the end result we could not move past the affair. There were to many red-flags and it just happened again, staying out late, waiting up. The whole thing it was a repeat performance and we had children to add to the situation. If you really love her then go to a MC and try. But she must be unhappy, somthing is wrong with your marriage that she needed to find this relationship elsewhere. Think this out, what made her do it?

AS

Thanks for writing,
Adam I know she was unhappy, I was unhappy too, I wasn't a good husband, she wasn't a good wife. But the difference is I always looked at our marriage like an optimist. I always thought tomorrow would be better. I always thought eventually I would make more money, we'd get a bigger house, she wouldn't have to work and we'd be happy. This is what I thought everyday. My wife has lost interest in sex with me I'm sexually frustrated and unhappy, but I never stepped out. I had opportunities but never did. I know I haven't been there for her, but she hasn't been there for me and I refuse to blame myself right now. No matter how bad the marriage was nobody deserves this. I wouldn't wish this on the guy who was seeing my wife.
Adam your story means a lot, the fact that your wife just cheated again. That's exactly what I am afraid of, and I am leaning towards just cutting ties and moving on. I can't go through this again. I also have a son and if it wasn't for him I would've probably been gone a year and half ago. If I leave now I
1. Regain my dignity and manhood
2. Circumvent the possibility of being hurt
by her again.
3. Gain the opportunity to rebuild my life
for myself.
4. Have the opportunity to have fun which I
haven't had in years.
5. Have the opportunity to meet someone who
hasn't crushed me, and loves me, and
commits to me.
If I stay I have the opportunity to.
1. Raise my son, myself and not just be a
visiting stranger.
2. Rebuild a life with a woman I still love
very very much.
But either way my life is going to be very hard to bear. I'm screwed either way I go, hopeless.

I really don't see it that way. If this was a short term affair then try very hard to rebuild your life with her. But this must be a joint commitment. You are young and that also works for you and your wife. If you love her and she truly loves you then find a local community counceling group to help you rebuild "this is a must". Both of you need to rebuild your trust and commitment to each other. You need to do your homework . If you love her and she truly loves you then work together to rebuild. This was your wake up call.

Mike*24...I'm glad your discovered this site, it's got a lot of valuable information so please, READ and take from it what you believe will best benefit your situation. It will explain somewhat about how you and your W are feeling, the emotions which are on the rampage. It will offer valuable tools with the goal of having a more honest, healthy, and loving relationship.

No matter what you did or didn't do in your marriage...You are NOT...I repeat...NOT...responsbile in any way for your W's choice to betray you, your marriage, your family, herself. That was HER choice.

Yes, we as the BS must face the facts that issues needed to be worked on in the marriage, all marriages need improving, some more then others and we share equally in the condition of the marriage prior to a betrayal, but we do NOT have to share nor can we share responsiblity in a decision we didn't even know was "on the table".

It's pretty normal to advise those who are in so much pain, dealing with so much anger, and so many other conflicting and overwhelming emotions that it's not the best time for you to make a decision which will not only effect your life forever, but will also effect your son's. We can make some really bad choices while in the mists of all these emotions.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DECIDE RIGHT NOW TO STAY OR GO! Give yourself and your W sometime to work through all of this. And it will take time. Find a good MC (marriage counselor), do NOT try to do this alone, you need an outside guide while you began seeking your healing path. Each path is different, yet some aspects are all the same. Each path has it's own timeframe based on the healing of the BS, not when the WS feels it's time to move on.

Some marriages shouldn't survive, some are indeed worthy of saving and making the relationship the foundation in which to draw strength from thoughout the years. I don't know which type of marriage you and your W have, that is your decision and hers to make TOGETHER. But it is worthy of an effort to see if what the two of you have together is worth saving or not.

You really can rebuild your marriage into a healthier, more honest, more loving, stronger marriage IF you and your W are willing to do the hard work. You can create the marriage "of your dreams", a stable homelife for your son to grow to manhood in, one where he will learn the lessons of how to deal with a crisis, that two partners working together can do amazing things. Not bad lessons to teach.

Good Luck!

Thanks for the advice it's very good, we are going to see a MC as soon as possible. In a way I think she is more destroyed than me. She admitted everything to me last night, and was hysterical with guilt, to the point where she wanted to commit suicide. We've been together since she was 16 and I'm the only one she's ever been with. She said she has no feelings for the guy, she just selfishly wanted to know what it would be like to be with someone else. She said she hated it and got physically ill and it was the biggest mistake of her life. I've been with a bunch of women before we were married. So I knew sex is sex no real big surprises, but she never learned that, and in a way I always new this may become a problem, and in my heart I think I knew it would ventually happen. I know there's other issues and she knows that too. The sex act doesn't get me mad per se' it was all of the coldness, lying, and deception. But I do love her and have to try to make this work, I think it can with a lot of help. Thanks for the replies.

Mike I highly recomend you and your W read Dr Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair''His Needs, Her Needs' and 'Love Busters'. This website has many articles that are in the books but the books go into much further detail. I equally recomend that you and your W fill out the EN(Emotional Needs) questionaire and the LB(Love Busters) questionaire. If the two of you do these things, your marital recovery will be greatly enhanced and your 'new' marriage will be light years better than the 'old' one.

Keep us posted.

I understand how hard this can be. I found out three months ago that my W of 23 years was having an A, in fact she told me, did not want to break it off, and moved out. She, too, was 16 when we began dating and had never been with anyone but me and said she had do this. I didn't sleep, didn't eat (lost 30 pounds), in short was devistated. Her A seems to be over now but she has not made any move toward returning or wanting to work on our M, in part because of the guilt she feels. If your W is willing to try, and you still feel love for her, do everything you can to keep your M alive. Stay on this site, ask questions, read, and let us know how things are going. It won't be easy, it may be that the two of you will not succeed, but my money is on you making it if you both are willing to give it your best efforts. You want to be able to say to yourself that you did everything you could to save a M to the woman you love, that you didn't allow the chance for a happy life together to die because of pride or lack of commitment. Believe me, I would give anything for another chance.

Mike,

you have received alot of good advice. Do not make decisions about leaving while your emotions are raw and on a roller coaster.

You do have one thing in your favor, your W is showing remorse over what she has done. There are many here on this site who are doing a Plan A, hoping that their WS will notice and want to make the M work and leave the A. Your W has already left the A, done many things to prove to you that she is sincere in making this work such as quiting her job. Many here do not have that. You are ahead of the game already.

Read the books that were suggested. They saved my sanity many times. Currently my SAA book is on loan to a friend. This is the 3rd person I have loaned my book to, and everyone had nothing but good things to say about it.

Just because you are young and can start over should you walk away. Only walk when you know you will not have regrets. This early, you may have regrets that you did not try harder. My first response was to call a divorce attorney. He wanted to know why I wanted a divorce, I told him. His response was, many marriages have survived affairs. Before you come to me and file, you have to know you have done everything you could have done to save your M. He said he did not want any clients having regrets about their decision. I called a second divorce attorney, I received the same response. I also knew I loved my H very much and really did not want a divorce, so I figured if, I was getting divorce attorneys telling me this, maybe, I had better not be so hasty.

Also, your son is a very good reason to try to make it work. Probably the best one you can come up with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 5. Have the opportunity to meet someone who hasn't crushed me, and loves me, and
commits to me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who's to say the new person won't crush you too. You don't know that. Maybe they will not accept your son, there are many issues to consider when bringing a new person into the scenario.

Many who have recovered from A's have said their M's are better, more alive, more exciting.

Mike, I'm sorry to hear about your pain. We all know how you feel. Today is one month since I found out about my wife's A. Many of your circumstances sound similar to mine. One thing that we definately both have in common is that we have children, we love our wives, our wives love us, and we want to try to fix things. I think those are very important ingrediants to have. One month ago when I first posted here and people told me that my marriage could actually get better than it was before, I didn't believe them. In fact, I thought they must be crazy or that they can't be "real men" because no real man would stand for this. One month later and I feel much differently. My point is that you should hold off on any major life changing decisions right now. Go to MC. Go to the homepage of this site and do the concepts with your wife. Talk to her a lot. One thing I did with my wife that I think will have a long term positive effect was to tell her the truth. We had been together for 12 years. We dated all through college, etc. I said to her on D-day that now was the time to clear the air. If we were going to have a chance to make it then ALL lies, including lies of ommision, need to out there. 100% honesty because even the smallest lie in the future could be devastating to find out. Both of us had some things to confess to each other, including the fact that I had two one night stands when we were dating in college. It wasn't easy, and it made a difficult day even harder, but I think it was good. It laid the groundwork for a truly honest relationship, which is the only kind of relationship that can work after an affair.

Get to work. Like you, I knew my marriage wasn't perfect. Now is the time to try and fix the problems that preceded this. In time you'll gain the clarity you need to make a choice. Until then try to stay as positive as possible. I now believe those people who told me my marriage could get better. Mine already has, although I am still realing from the pain of the A. Good luck and be patient right now. Like you said, you're young so time is not of the essence. You can afford to take the time to make sure you do the right thing for you. You'll know soon enough, but right now is too soon to know. -J

Hi Mike*24,

Welcome to MB... I'm sorry that you are hurting so much right now... Many of us have been right where you are and know what you're going through.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I leave now I
1. Regain my dignity and manhood
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would you really? Your dignity and manhood are NOT defined by the actions of your W or anyone else. IMHO, only YOU can choose to give these traits away...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 2. Circumvent the possibility of being hurt by her again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What's to say that the next person that comes along won't do the same thing? It is possible to regain trust with your W, but it takes lots of hard work from BOTH of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 3. Gain the opportunity to rebuild my life for myself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">True... but how does this affect your son?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 4. Have the opportunity to have fun which I haven't had in years. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can have fun with your W... but again, it will take a lot of hard work from BOTH of you...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 5. Have the opportunity to meet someone who hasn't crushed me, and loves me, and commits to me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The pain you feel is real. You will never forget... but you can learn to deal with it and move past it.

Get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. Our MC suggested this book and my FWW and I worked through it together.

Hang in there and don't make any "life altering" decisions for the next 6 months... Find a good pro-marriage MC and start going. Get some meds if you need them. Read all of the articls here on the MB website and keep posting.

It IS possible to recover from all of this. My FWW had multiple affairs during our first three years of marriage, but I can honestly say that now our M is better than I ever dreamed was possible.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Mike,

I understand you're struggle. My marriage had gotten to the point where it would have been easy to walk away. Yet, I had that optimistic outlook that said, maybe it'll get better. I travelled a lot in my job at the time and had PLENTY of opportunity, but I didn't have an A.

I have two daughters, and at the time, this played a pretty big part in my decision to not "kick her to the curb". Broken homes, in my opinion, are one of the biggest problems in America today.

The road to recovery is not an easy one. If you choose to stay together, the next year will be VERY difficult. BUT, recovery is possible if you AND your wife are comitted to the process. I really don't see any marriage shattered by an affair really recovering well without the comittment of both parties.

When Jane confessed her A, my life was completely destroyed. It has been a real journey back. But, life can get better. You can be better. In fact, this is the kind of trauma that can easily be the catalyst for some major changes to yourself and your marriage.

I've made it sound tough, and don't get the idea that it's not, IT IS. But, if you choose to continue in your marriage (and it is YOUR decision now), then you can get past this and your marriage can be stronger than it ever was before.

My marriage isn't perfect now by any stretch, but it is so much better than it ever was before. My kids and Jane and I are all benefiting from the love we've learned to give each other. Did I mention that it's been 2 1/2 years now?

Thank you again for all of your advice these past five days have truly been hell, I'm stilla wreck but it comes and goes. My wife and I went on a date last night and I can honestly say it was a great night. We showed so much love and affection for each other. We didn't really discuss what was going on, just had a good night. But today was a 180 turn. I was a mess again, and when I get distraught she gets cold because she says she can't handle the guilt, and that she did this to me. I also have trouble in knowing her true intentions of wanting to reconcile. We just bought a home and had a comfortable living before this. If I do divorce her she will be a 22 yr old single mom, I know this scares the hell out of her. So I can't know if she wants to work this out because she truly loves me, or just can't loose her comfort level. And the help and support I give her. She says all that she wants in life is to be my wife and my sons mother. But she had that less than a week ago, and this wasn't near enough for her to be happy. How can she change in five days, and now our life is enough? I feel like a crazy person I go from loving her so deeply, to being so angry, and resenting her and just wanting to get the hell out of here. Do anyother men out there who have children begin to question the paternity of some of there children? I have one son and now I wonder if he is mine, maybe she was cheating on me then also, is this normal? Can anyone else relate to these thoughts?

Mike*24 hi,

Apparantly the statistics on children fathered by men other than the husband are around 10%. DNA screening is now freely available and I, for one, would like to see its use to validate fatherhood become systematic.

In your case it may help bring home to your WW the seriousness of the damage she has done to your relationship. I fear that you are victim of a marriage to someone who wasn't mature enough to enter into a marriage. You also may be in the same situation. If that child is yours you both need to dedicate your lives to bringing him up; if he is not you need to get out of there.

<small>[ May 05, 2003, 01:56 AM: Message edited by: olderandwiser ]</small>

Mike*24...you made an excellent choice in logging on to Marriage Builders. It is an incredible site that offers so much, in the way of words and wisdom. You are experiencing, what all we betrayed spouses fear. Unfortunately, you will go through so many emotions, you will feel that you cannot cope at times. However, you will overcome this and you can work out your marriage. It is an extremely stressful time for you, but a word of advice....surround yourself with loving people who can comfort you and help you rebuild. Do not surround yourself with people who view you as the martyr. You are the victim, but you need to overcome this to move on. Trust me, it is sound advice and works. It may not seem this way at the present, but eventually, you will work it out. Prayer and a clear head with guide you.

Good Luck

Very sound advice olderandwiser, I talked to my mother and she will pay for the DNA test to verify if my son is mine, so I don't arouse suspicion with $500 missing from our account. I won't tell my wife because it will only hurt her and I just need to know. My wife got pregnant very shortly after I returned from an extended business trip. About 5 days after, they were never able to determine the conception date because my wifes cycles are irregular. They guestimated and my son was supposedly 3 weeks early but he was almost 8 lbs so he easily could have been full term, which would mean he was conceived when I was 8000 miles away. I never had a reason to doubt, because I honestly thought she was an angel, and would never cheat on me. But in retrospect, and the fact that we've been having unprotected sex for two years and she hasn't gotten pregnant again, makes me wonder if it's probable that my son is not mine. The worst thing is right now that my wife is late. She may be pregnant, this is the same cycle she cheated on me. I told her that if she's pregnant, we could not reconcile. I couldn't live 9 months waiting to see if this baby is mine. She said she would get an abortion and I told her I couldn't live with that either knowing we may have killed our child. So if she's pregnant I believe it's a game ender unfortunately. What a mess!!

Mike,

I have some advice for you: STOP

You are speculating and making things far worse than they are likely to be. If you are going to do some testing make sure your W gets tested for STD's.

As for the testing your child or her impending pregnancy, think about this very carefully. If she is now pregnant I think you would be absolutely crazy to leave without knowing if the child is yours. That will take 9 months. Wait that long. You are very young and I know you are in panic.

But slow down. Give this a least 9 months and hopefully a year. Work on making your end of the marriage a good one. This is great if you marriage makes it, and it will help you NOT add tot he statistics that 3/4 of second marriages fail. Why do they fail? People don't learn anything from the first one is a major reason.

So don't go jumping to unfounded conclusions concerning the paternatity of your current child or the one you don't even know if your W is pregnant with. If her periods are irregular then my bet is that the stress of all of this is affecting her periods now. What you have stated is not "proof" that she is prenant much less by OM.

Calm down. Work on loving your W. Work on being a better H. Do the reading that several here have recommended. Don't be a young fool running off making life altering decisions WITHOUT doing your homework. There is a saying that is attributed to some fairly well known counselors: Have you earned your divorce yet? I don't think you have.

I appreciate that you are deeply hurt. I apreciate that you have deep doubts about your W and your marriage. If you read here your feelings are very normal. So are your W's.

Do your homework, give this time, and don't start imagining worse scenarios that you are already in right now. You have enough to deal with without borrowing trouble.

God Bless,

JL