Cerri - 09/21/03 01:48 AM
I just posted the following to Marriedgirl on the EN forum.
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MG:
I also think you need to focus on different aspects of the MB program than the ones it seems (to me) you stress. Stop worrying about his ENs and your ENs.
I think you need to start POJA'ing every decision. Whether he agrees to POJA or not. I don't mean you always do what he wants. I mean that you NEVER do what you are not enthusiastic about doing. Even if that means your house is a mess, and there are no clean clothes in the dresser, and there is no food in the refrigerator.
You say "I'm tired of having to do everything while he has sex with me, then he plays computer games and watches porn." Well, let me fill you in on a secret. You don't HAVE to do most of the things you are doing. You CHOOSE to do them. You could also choose not to.
I know. Pot calling kettle black. Easier said than done. I complain about this myself. So I haven't figured out for myself how to flick the switch in your head that let's you NOT do what you feel you should. But that is what you need to learn to do.
So next time you see a pile of laundry. And you are too tired to do it. Do not TELL your husband you want him to do the laundry. Ask him. If he says "yes" then great. If he says "no", perhaps not as great. But no biggie.
You are then left with a pile of dirty laundry. Do NOT react by immediately picking it up and washing it. Do NOT react by complaining that your husband is lazy and immature. Ask yourslf if you are enthusiastic about doing the laundry at that moment. If not, then DON'T do it. Leave it for later. Even of that means no one in the house has any clean clothes.
As any guy here who lived alone will tell you, no one ever died from putting on dirty clothes for a second wearing. They may smell. But you don't get sick just from wearing them.
Know what I hear coming across loud and clear? That you aren't thrilled that you keep choosing to do everything. And you want your husband to help you do some of the things you have chosen to do. Even though he doesn't care about them. And even though you, if you thought about it, would probably agree it is better if NEITHER of you does them.
So relax. Take some time to review the list of the things you feel you HAVE to do. See if there aren't several items that you could choose not to do.
I want you to break out of the dynamic you are in. The one that Carina Dream seems locked in. Choosing to do things. Then being mad at yourself for taking on more than you can handle. Then taking out your anger and frustration on your husband. For not helping you perform all the tasks that you undertook without his enthusiastic agreement. Heck without your own enthusiastic agreement.
Why should he agree to help with those things? Why should he HELP you work yourself to exhaustion. When someone is drowning, most times a rescuer will NOT jump in with you. They will throw you a line. While they stay at a safe place. No sense both people drowning.
So when you are drowning. And part of you thinks "why isn't my husband jumping in to share this with me?" Perhaps he is wisely choosing NOT to get caught in the same rip tide you chose to swim in.
Remember, POJA doesn't only protect you from your spouse's Taker. It also protects you from your own Giver.
Don't think POJA only helps you when your husband is asking you to do something. It also helps when you are thinking about doing something but are UNenthusiastic enough about it that you are asking your husband for help. If he turns you down. Which he is fully entitled to do. Then ask yourself. Do I enthusiasticly agree to do this by myself? If not, then don't do it.
And if you can follow this advice, let me know how. Because I would love to.
-------------------------------------------
MG:
I also think you need to focus on different aspects of the MB program than the ones it seems (to me) you stress. Stop worrying about his ENs and your ENs.
I think you need to start POJA'ing every decision. Whether he agrees to POJA or not. I don't mean you always do what he wants. I mean that you NEVER do what you are not enthusiastic about doing. Even if that means your house is a mess, and there are no clean clothes in the dresser, and there is no food in the refrigerator.
You say "I'm tired of having to do everything while he has sex with me, then he plays computer games and watches porn." Well, let me fill you in on a secret. You don't HAVE to do most of the things you are doing. You CHOOSE to do them. You could also choose not to.
I know. Pot calling kettle black. Easier said than done. I complain about this myself. So I haven't figured out for myself how to flick the switch in your head that let's you NOT do what you feel you should. But that is what you need to learn to do.
So next time you see a pile of laundry. And you are too tired to do it. Do not TELL your husband you want him to do the laundry. Ask him. If he says "yes" then great. If he says "no", perhaps not as great. But no biggie.
You are then left with a pile of dirty laundry. Do NOT react by immediately picking it up and washing it. Do NOT react by complaining that your husband is lazy and immature. Ask yourslf if you are enthusiastic about doing the laundry at that moment. If not, then DON'T do it. Leave it for later. Even of that means no one in the house has any clean clothes.
As any guy here who lived alone will tell you, no one ever died from putting on dirty clothes for a second wearing. They may smell. But you don't get sick just from wearing them.
Know what I hear coming across loud and clear? That you aren't thrilled that you keep choosing to do everything. And you want your husband to help you do some of the things you have chosen to do. Even though he doesn't care about them. And even though you, if you thought about it, would probably agree it is better if NEITHER of you does them.
So relax. Take some time to review the list of the things you feel you HAVE to do. See if there aren't several items that you could choose not to do.
I want you to break out of the dynamic you are in. The one that Carina Dream seems locked in. Choosing to do things. Then being mad at yourself for taking on more than you can handle. Then taking out your anger and frustration on your husband. For not helping you perform all the tasks that you undertook without his enthusiastic agreement. Heck without your own enthusiastic agreement.
Why should he agree to help with those things? Why should he HELP you work yourself to exhaustion. When someone is drowning, most times a rescuer will NOT jump in with you. They will throw you a line. While they stay at a safe place. No sense both people drowning.
So when you are drowning. And part of you thinks "why isn't my husband jumping in to share this with me?" Perhaps he is wisely choosing NOT to get caught in the same rip tide you chose to swim in.
Remember, POJA doesn't only protect you from your spouse's Taker. It also protects you from your own Giver.
Don't think POJA only helps you when your husband is asking you to do something. It also helps when you are thinking about doing something but are UNenthusiastic enough about it that you are asking your husband for help. If he turns you down. Which he is fully entitled to do. Then ask yourself. Do I enthusiasticly agree to do this by myself? If not, then don't do it.
And if you can follow this advice, let me know how. Because I would love to.