I'm so confussed.How do I let go?I can't do this anymore.This emotional rollercoaster I'm on is killing me.My H is having affairs on the internet
and now they(or she)is calling him.This behavior of his has been going on for along time but now I'm really seeing it for the first time.I'm sleeping on the floor in my daughters room and have been now for a month because he was chatting with someone and had been for a couple of weeks(I could tell because it was the same window every evening).We got into an argument and I moved all my things out of our bedroom.He moved all his things into our room including the computer so now he can shut our door and chat with whoever and he shuts our door when his cell phone rings.I don't know how to handle this.I'm the one trying to make everything good and right for us all the time.I'm supporting 5 of us,he doesn't work so he sits home all day and "chats".He had an affair with someone which started last March.He started leaving the house when I got home from work(@3pm) and stayed out until 1AM talking to her on his cell this went on for a month or so but then he would come home and tell me he loved me and sleep next to me.How can this happen?By July he was making plans to fly to OH to meet this person.He left me and the kids and was gone for a week.He even wanted to show me the video he made when he was there.He said he wanted to show me where he went but it showed her children playing and some of her I could hear her talking to him and them.My H just sat there on his computer and wanted our kids and me to watch this.My heart is still broken.Their affair ended in August after his second trip there.She apparently went back to her husband.All this time he was treating me like we were "normal",still hugging me ect.Then I found out about someone else he started having an affair with when I over heard a conversation he was having with #2.He would stay up really late and chat with her and the "warnning signs" would come back like his tone of voice would change when he would talk to me(very stern and negative)and he stopped calling me at work during the day,no hugs all of a sudden ect.Now it's happening again.I don't know how to break this addiction he has.I asked him "What aren't you getting out of our relationship"and "What is it that I'm not giving him".He thought about it for a while and he said"you give me everything,love,support,sex whenever,friendship"then he told me it wasn't me there wasn't anything wrong with me and I wasn't doing anything wrong.That doesn't help me at all to understand why he's doing what he's doing.We've been married 18 years and have 3 beautiful children.I've tried my best to keep us together for so long.My children want him gone.They are 9,11,16 years old and they know what he's doing and done.My H girlfriends usually would call when I left for work and my children would overhear his conversations which made them feel bad.Before I knew any of this my 9yr old and I were shopping and asked me "mom why does dad tell his friend that he loves her".That's how this all started.All of this mess has been going on now for 2 years and I'm tired emotionally and it's startting to effect my health.I don't know what to do anymore.When I try to talk to him about whats going on he denies being involved with anyone and he says he's not in a relationship with anyone and he's not looking for one.He's become a very good lier and very minipulative.He can act like my "normal" husband one day and the next day he's very distant.He can call me at work and be very "loving"but when I get home it's back to the stern voice.That's how fast he changes.So I really don't know what I'm living with from one day to the next,or moment to moment.It's very hurtful because I know about these women but they don't know about me.They don't know they are talking to a married man.I don't have access to his computer at all he has his chat room running all the time and he doesn't let us use it at all.I'm confussed and lost right now.I can't live like this any more.I've been a faithful and extremely loveing wife very supportive.When his affair broke up in August I held him while he cried even.I guess at that moment I could relate to his pain.I feel like my H died and is gone forever and for the past 2 years I've been trying so hard to find him again but he's not here with me anymore.How did we end up like this?I've been in love with him since I was 15 years old and I never thought he would change us the way he has.I thought we were invinsable.Within the spectrum of love he's been it all,within me.How do I let go???Please can someone help me???/

Hi Mand

I'm afraid I haven't been here long enough to give the advice I think you're looking for now - I just wanted to reply so you know someone has read your message and is thinking of you.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you and your family. You've come to the right place though!

Katie

Sounds like a self-esteem issue to me. If he sits home all day, he probably feels somewhat depressed and needs these on-line relationships to make him feel better.

Read all of the information here and keep posting. You will get some great support and ideas. Also I know it is hard not to, but don't take it personally. It sounds like his issue.

You pay the bills, so shut off the cell phone and the internet first. Cut back, because you're going to end up paying alimony to the bum as soon as you wake up to the user and decide to end it.

He has no incentive to change. You're giving him everything he wants; his own private suite to surf porn and cozy up to internet sl*ts. You work your tail off to provide him shelter, food, clothing and the occasional interaction with offspring.

Have you talked with an attorney yet?

I am so sorry that your life has been such sorrow for the last two years. Serial betrayers seldom change their habits unless they are forced to see the damage it has done...AND...they want to change. They almost always need some professional guidence to discovery why they have this unending need for reassurance from multiply sources. He needs a PUSH to want to change, you're sleeping in the kids room is not it. He needs to realize that he could lose you for good if he doesn't change.

I have to agree with KA...stop helping him cheat. Turn off the cell phone, even if it means paying the contract out. Get rid of the internet (hopefully you'll be able to use a public/work one to keep yourself in touch). Cancel all credit cards which have both of you on them and that are under your control. (Start a savings account for ONLY you and start taking those steps to protect yourself and your children.) I am NOT saying to take control over all the money and leave him pennyless...I am saying to cut back on those things which he is using in the wrong way which are harmful to your marriage and your family.

It really sounds as if you've already tried a good Plan A...just loving him and supporting him for the last two years. It may well be time to look at Plan B. If you're unfamilar with these two plans on this site, please read up on them.

This has now begun to effect your children in a very negitive way and that means you must take actions. You do NOT want them growing up thinking this is normal or right. They need to see a strong, moral mother who when faced with choices does her best for not only them...but for herself.

btw...Plan B is separating yourself physically and emotionally from your spouse. It is NOT easy to do, especially when there are children involved. But he needs to see life without your support and love and comfort. He needs to face the results of his choices and bad judgements. He needs out of the house!!!!

May God grant you the courage and the strength and the wisdom to do what is best for your children and you....and even your H.

Well my H and I had a talk.He's acting strange again,distant,no hugs,kisses,very direct when he talks to me.These are the signs that there's possibly someone new he's interested in.When we talked he said if he had the money he'd leave.He's tired of our situation(he doesn't do anything to help it.He sits home all day and does nothing).I asked him if he wants a divorce he said he wants a separation but starting in April through August.How convienient right through the summer months again.Last summer it was someone in OH, the summer before it was someone in ILL.I can't help but think there's someone else just by his behavior and now hearing this.It seems that he's already making plans.He told me not to worry about him just take care of the children(3 beautiful girls 9,11 and 16).I always have.He told me that he wishes he could just leave sometimes,I said I do too at times,he said why don't you.I just told him I don't run away from my responsibilities.He didn't know what to say.I don't know what to do anymore.Our financial situation is bad,I'm trying so hard to support 5 of us on just my income and have for along time and all he does is complain,he'll walk in the kitchen and if there's nothing he wants in ther he'll say"we're going to starve".The humiliation I'm suffering from borrowing money(for food)is terrible.I've even gone to a food bank for assistance.He doesn't deal with any of this he just sits at his computer and chats all day and doesn't do anything(I'm not kidding).I'm so tired.I'm expecting some money soon and yesturday I asked my dad if I could borrow some money so I could get caught up on some bills.After dealing with that all day my dad finally agreed to help me(he's causious because of my H,my dad doesn't trust my H).I was so excited when I got home.My H was sleeping.When he woke up all he did was "B" at me because I didn't call him back.Irrigardless of what I had accomplished for us.Again no hugs(we've always been very affectionate with each other,we touch each other even if we're just walking by each other)but that's stopped now.So much damage has occured over the past two years.I don't know if I can fix this.I don't know how to begin or if I really want to try anymore.Everyday has been a struggle for me because I'm constantly trying to make our situation better.I'm the one that deals with the kids all the time.If he sees something of wants them to do something he comes to me to deal with it and to tell them what to do.When he was involved with A #1,he made a comment one time to me "maybe if I make her life hell she'll leave me alone".I don't understand this but it makes me wonder if that's what he's doing to me to get me to leave.He always tells me how much happier he was when me and the kids wern't there.That hurts.After 20+ years together I can't believe he's treating me like this.He's not the man I married.I always thought we were so special because we've known each other for so long(since 7th grade).I guess that doesn't mean anything anymore.I don't know what to do.I'm doing everything possible to help us right now and I'm constantly getting slapped in the face.I'm having a hard time and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

MAND-
I'm so sorry to hear about the pain that you are going through... I know that that is the same kind of pain that I have caused my husband. *sigh*
This internet can be a very dangerous thing... the chat rooms and such can be very addictive. If you have any desire to try to save your marriage, I agree that you need to stop paying the cell phone bill, and cut off the internet. You might even want to not have a house phone any longer, but maybe just a cell phone for your personal use that you keep with you. This may or may not help him come to his senses, but at least that way you would not be paying for his A's.
Or else, Plan B is distancing yourself from him, from what I understand. I know that that must sound the scary. If you are able to support 5 of you, though, you should be able to support 4 of you easily without the added expenses of the internet and his cell phone, etc. He needs a jolt. He needs to wake up. The addiction to the internet is like being in a trance... I can testify to that.
I may have missed it... but did you say why it is that he's not working?
God bless,
SMH

MAND,

I AM SURE YOU ARE FEELING SO SCARED RIGHT NOW, LIKE YOU ARE LIVING A LIE, AND WHO IS THIS PERSON THAT YOUR HUSBAND HAS TURNED INTO?

HE IS AN ADDICT, HE'S ADDICTED. HE NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP AND SO DO YOU. START COUNSELING RIGHT AWAY, SEEK A LAWYER. IF YOU CUT OFF THE PHONE ETC IT MIGHT NOT BE A GOOD THING TO DO. SOMEHOW A LAWYER CAN ADVISE YOU AND YOU CAN USE IT AS EVIDENCE IF YOU EVER DECIDE TO DIVORCE.

SUCH A TERRIBLE THING WHEN SOMEONE STEPS OUT ON YOU AND HE'S ASKING YOU AND THE CHILDREN TO WATCH A VIDEO? SOUNDS LIKE HE'S OFF HIS ROCKER BIG TIME.

BUT PLEASE GET HELP FROM A LAWYER AND A COUNSELOR FOR YOURSELF (AND MAYBE THE KIDS). LOG EVERYTHING THAT HE DOES. SURE, HE'S GOING TO BE GONE COME AUGUST? THEN IT'S A PERFECT TIME TO GET A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST HIM SO HE CAN'T COME BACK. YOU MIGHT HAVE SOME CO-DEPENDENCY ISSUES GOING ON AND I HOPE YOU GET SOME HELP RIGHT AWAY.

GOD BLESS YOU AND BEST REGARDS. KEEP US POSTED. HANG IN THERE AND READ, READ, READ...YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

First of all I want to thank all of you for your kind and supportive words.The past few days have been hell.I've had to find a way to save our home because we got behind on payment.But I did it.He did nothing but take naps and "B" at me because I didn't call him when I said I would.I'm trying so hard to keep our head above water and all he's concerned about is getting his cell phone connected.I came up with enough money to get us caught up on all the utility bills also(I borrowed money from my dad).It took alot for me to ask my dad because I know how he feels about my H,and my dad doesn't want to help him.But my H attitude is he doesn't care.He doesn't care about anything except what he wants for himself.It's like he doesn't want things better for us.I've been trying to figure out why or how could this happen but within the past two years since his first "A".He's become a different person.As our 16 year old daughter discribes him "dads a player mom".That's comming form his own daughter.I look at my family and I'm so sad that this is what he's made it to be and continues the same behavior eventhough he knows it's wrong.I've tried everything.We did go to one session of marriage counceling and made an appointment for our 2nd but he flew off to OH 4 days earlier then planned.If I did something wrong or if I was a "bad"wife,friend,lover etc.I could probably make some sence of all this but he has no excuse.I've picked through myself trying to find something "wrong with me" that could be causing this to happen,I even asked him "what did I do" and what doesn't he get out of our marriage.It took him about 5 minutes before he answered then he simply said "you give me everything","it's not you".For some reason that didn't help me.I guess because it didn't give me the answer to what was wrong and why he's being the way he is.I've lost hope.There's nothing I can do anymore for us.As much as it hurts me I seriously thinking of divorce now.Within my heart I don't want it but my children are so sad and I have to think of their well being more so now.I wish this wasn't happening and I wish he wouldn't do what he does.The internet has become his scape goat and the chat room he's in is his priority, to make sure it's running right all the time.This is where he meets other women and they eventually call my house.Two years of this is too long and so now I have a desision to make.My hearts broken and I've never felt pain like this before but I also have been with him for 20+ years.I wish this wasn't happening.The other day when he told me he wanted a separation April-August.He also told me I've changed for the better (in his eyes) but I'm a day late and a dollar short.What does that mean.I haven't changed at all except I take care of everything in the house right down to fixing the leak under the kitchen sink because he doesn't do anything and I mean nothing but chat and take naps all day.Well sorry for going on and on.Thank you again for taking your time to write back to me I need all the support I can get right now all I can think about is my kids and that hurts.God bless

First of all I want to thank all of you for your kind and supportive words.The past few days have been hell.I've had to find a way to save our home because we got behind on payment.But I did it.He did nothing but take naps and "B" at me because I didn't call him when I said I would.I'm trying so hard to keep our head above water and all he's concerned about is getting his cell phone connected.I came up with enough money to get us caught up on all the utility bills also(I borrowed money from my dad).It took alot for me to ask my dad because I know how he feels about my H,and my dad doesn't want to help him.But my H attitude is he doesn't care.He doesn't care about anything except what he wants for himself.It's like he doesn't want things better for us.I've been trying to figure out why or how could this happen but within the past two years since his first "A".He's become a different person.As our 16 year old daughter discribes him "dads a player mom".That's comming form his own daughter.I look at my family and I'm so sad that this is what he's made it to be and continues the same behavior eventhough he knows it's wrong.I've tried everything.We did go to one session of marriage counceling and made an appointment for our 2nd but he flew off to OH 4 days earlier then planned.If I did something wrong or if I was a "bad"wife,friend,lover etc.I could probably make some sence of all this but he has no excuse.I've picked through myself trying to find something "wrong with me" that could be causing this to happen,I even asked him "what did I do" and what doesn't he get out of our marriage.It took him about 5 minutes before he answered then he simply said "you give me everything","it's not you".For some reason that didn't help me.I guess because it didn't give me the answer to what was wrong and why he's being the way he is.I've lost hope.There's nothing I can do anymore for us.As much as it hurts me I seriously thinking of divorce now.Within my heart I don't want it but my children are so sad and I have to think of their well being more so now.I wish this wasn't happening and I wish he wouldn't do what he does.The internet has become his scape goat and the chat room he's in is his priority, to make sure it's running right all the time.This is where he meets other women and they eventually call my house.Two years of this is too long and so now I have a desision to make.My hearts broken and I've never felt pain like this before but I also have been with him for 20+ years.I wish this wasn't happening.The other day when he told me he wanted a separation April-August.He also told me I've changed for the better (in his eyes) but I'm a day late and a dollar short.What does that mean.I haven't changed at all except I take care of everything in the house right down to fixing the leak under the kitchen sink because he doesn't do anything and I mean nothing but chat and take naps all day.Well sorry for going on and on.Thank you again for taking your time to write back to me I need all the support I can get right now all I can think about is my kids and that hurts.God bless <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Your H is not living in reality at all. Sometimes I truly hate internet chat rooms, they cause so much pain and anguish.

I wish I had some constructive advice for you... all that comes to mind for me is boot the mean @$$ bum. He is doing zero to help you out and is causing extreme stress. The amount of disrespect he is showing you and your daughters is insane! How could he even think living like that is normal? AND he's acting like he's some prize catch that you lost your chances with??? How many women would be attracted to his behaviour? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I'm sorry but the way he's treating you ticks me off...

Well something is definatly going on.He's acting really weired again,very distant.His cell phone rang last night,he asked me who it was but not to answer it if it said "V" or "PT".I simply asked him "who's V" he got upset and said he wasn't going to tell me because it wasn't any of my buisness and I'm just feeling insicure.When he calls them he says "Hi honey".When he calls me I get a "Hey what ya doin".I'm not kidding.I don't understand.We sleep in separate rooms but we still are intimate.Afterwards I just go to bed.I don't know how to approch him with my suspisions or to get some truth from him.This is so hard I'm still being his wife and doing everything I'm used to doing but he's not my husband anymore.I've lost the man I fell in love with and I don't know why.Some times we're so loving with each other it's like he's back but then the next day he's distant again,and the tone in his voice isn't loving anymore.I don't know what to say to him.I feel so uncomfortable in my own home it's not even funny.I'm lost.Maybe I'm giving him too much attention.Irrigaurdless of what he's done I still continue to treat him the way I want to be treated.Is that wrong???I'm still taking care of him and everything else.I'm having trouble beleiving that he could treat me this way.Thank you for your time...Mand

Why did you pay his cell bill? Why is the internet still connected?

If you're having to ask your dad for help, you can't afford these.

Mand I am sorry for what you are going through, it is truly a painful thing. But what next? There are no SUSPICIONS..he is CHEATING AGAIN. What are you expecting to happen this time? What are you doing differently this time so that it won't happen continue. I think in this case you need PLAN B. Your husband is about HIM not anyone or anything else. I think you need a dose of self-esteem also because it sounds like he has sapped it all out of you. If he leaves you aren't losing a PROVIDER or someone who has your best interest at heart. So I ask why is he still in your house?

Hello Mand - my heart goes out to you - I have to agree with findingmyway back - this man is a taker - pure and simple - he does not respect you or your marriage. If he still says he's leaving in April I would make it clear to him he is not welcomed back until he makes a commitment to help the family - go into mc - get a job - help around the house - put the computer in an area open to all and not be secretive about who he is talking too. It sounds like you are giving him 100% - he is giving 0%. You need to put yourself first - for yourself and your children. You need to show your children that you deserve to be treated better than your husband is, that his behaviour is very immature - and not the way adults should live their life.

Why does he not have a job?

Thank you for all your help and all of you are so right.I'm seeing alot more now than I ever have.To tell you the truth I don't know why he hasn't worked.I have the same back problems as he does.He's definatly taking alot for granted and then some.Last night we talked somewhat.He wants to find a job asap and then he's moving out.Go figure.He'll work to take care of himself and no one else.He told me to not worry about him and just to take care of myself and our daughters.I see him maybe three hours a day if that and he thinks I'm smothering him.Again he told me that it was too late.What's disheartening is that he's still telling me the same things I heard a year ago.He hasn't changed for the better at all.How blind I've been.Maybe I was too hopefull that we could survive but I was wrong.He doesn't care if I file for a divorce.He wants a separation and I asked him when would we see each other and he said maybe twice a month.What gets me is he's telling me all this but he still wants all the french benifits.He's definatly into himself and himself only,not once did he mention our children and what roll he would be playing when he leaves.He just told me to take care of myself and the girls(3)-16,11,9 years old.He even expected me to stay in his room last night and massage his back and shoulders.The only time in the past when he's acted like this is when he feels secure that he has someone else in the wings.He said he doesn't.He told me he wasn't looking for anyone but in reality he doesn't have too because they are all there in his chat room.They "PM" him all the time.He also said there's lots of women interested in him,he said," would I pursue any of them?""I don't know".He said he could sleep with another woman and wake up the next morning and it wouldn't even fase him.He said he's trying to figure out why he feels that way.From our conversations we have had he's always mentioned how nice it was when me and the girls wern't there right down to how the house smelt and how he didn't have to worry about anything.He told me he regrets letting me back in.There's no appriciation for taking care and supporting him since I came back 2 years ago.I've acted like myself-supportive,loving,understanding,trusting just to name a few.Afterall isn't that what a "wife"is supposed to be.It's been very hard for me to treat him any other way.Wrong again.I think the only alternative I have at this point is to file for a divorce.As much as I wish things could be different,I realized last night that nothings going to change and I told him that within the past two years nothings changed with him to help our situation or relationship.He's still thinking the same way.Then he said "is it finally sinking in".I don't understand why or how he can be so cruel.I haven't done anything but love him and take care of our children and him.He's been my life for 20+ years and I've been totally devoted to our relationship.Anyway thank you again

Mand, I've asked this question twice - I have a hunch I know the answer, but I'd like to hear it from you:

Why are you still paying his cell phone bill and paying for internet connection?

I'll be you anything he plans to lay claim to the computer when he leaves...

I haven't paid his cell bill,he changes service and gives them a story it's like he has a different cell phone every time I turn around I'm not paying it so he has to be doing something.The cable bill is through comcast which I just found out also has his internet connection which is in his name.I used to just write the check and never look at the bills to read the services but last week I paid more attention.He even called the phone company and got long distance minutes which I noticed on my last bill,I canceled that right away.Like I said I'm learning alot especially how coniving and munipulative he can be.Hs "bses" everyone including me but I'm trying to get all the bills in my name or his off so I'll have more control.I'm trying to get a grip and prepared for the enevitable.

When money was tight for me a few years ago, I disconnected cable. Went without television for five years. No big loss. We watched the occasional video for family entertainment. Our son adapted. Can you do that too?

Another idea - since you're the one paying the bill, you could notify the phone company that any changes to the bill will not be paid, so they may not change the bill without your explicit permission.

I did that on our internet connection with my husband's penchant to go porn surfing sometimes. I told him if I caught him or found the cache cleared, I'd be taking the DSL modem with me. But I knew that he could still connect directly through the 56 speed modem. So I let the ISP know that they were not to reveal the sign-on password to anyone but me and I was the only one authorized to change it. I flat-out refused to have porn in the house and this was how I took control. You can set up the same safeguards with your phone provider and other providers. You may want to alert the big cell phone providers that you will not be held responsible for any cell phone contracts. I know - parental, lovebuster, etc. We're talking about preserving the last shreds of your credit and financial stability here.

At this point I'm lucky to have a tv at all.We've lost all our movies,VCR,jewelry etc.in the pawn shops so we really don't have anything else.My dad wanted to give me a VCR but he doesn't trust my H.Basic cable is ok for the kids and so far I've maintained the bill but I'll do without if I have too.

I wish you could boot his sorry @$$! His is being so selfish it isn't even funny. It pains me to read about this sort of thing because I ignored my D a lot during my A. I could see my relationship with her going downhill and it started to really bother me. Not to mention I couldn't look my family members in the eye. The guilt began to really eat at me.

I'm amazed at how blatantly mean some people can be though. I would never imagine my H would stay with me if my behaviour was as blatant as your H's. I ended the A once I confessed it, and stopped going to chat rooms, got on an antidepressant, and went to counseling. I can only equate the chat rooms and affairs with addiction in my book.

At first (especially if you have insecurity issues) you get off on the high of having people flirt with you and say flattering things. Over time I began to notice the emptiness of it all, how these were faceless people that I NEVER physically interacted with. Yet, I had a H and family that cared about me deeply. It took some time for me to finally see what really mattered in my life.

Now i'm disgusting by all the cheesy come on lines men use. I still get hit on by married men in real life, but my experiences with the chat rooms has helped me realize they are all alike. I no longer thing I must be so special for him to approach me, I know see they want a piece of @$$ and that's it. Once they get what they want it's.... who's NEXT.

I wish I could shake someone like your H and get some sense into him. Unfortunately for you sweetie, you have to carry a lot of the burden of being an adult about the whole thing on your shoulders alone. Just remember your children are watching how you deal with this, try to be the good example to them and take good care of yourself too. In the end, you'll be better off and glad you took care of yourself. It might not seem like it now, but a lot of people who post here say it helps them tremendously to stop focusing on the cheater and take care of themselves.

Have you talked to your family about leaving him? Would they help you any?

My family consists of a step-dad and brother.They don't have the room for the four of us and all our things.I'm afraid my H would go into forcloser if I left.He didn't pay the house payments last time(2years ago when I left for 3 months due to a domestic violence situation,he was arrested and released).So I'm afraid of loosing our home.

Mand, sorry to hear what you are going through. I found out that husband was chatting the first of this month. I had noticed that when I would walk into the bedroom, he would always click the mouse. One day I came in unnoticed, seen the chat box up. I was seeing red, that I didn't really see the screen. I don't even remember what I said, if anything. He followed me out of the room, asking what? what? My reply at that point was your doing it again! 2nd time around for me. He walked back in the room. I gave only a few moments to him, and walked in saying, "Move your hand off the mouse!" I ask him who he was talking too. He admitted a girl. I told him to let me see the last posting. I knew it was written after he had gone back in the room. It said, "Got to go, just had a blowup with the wife" Boy, did that hit me wrong! Guess because it sounded as if it was my fought, that we were fixing to get into it! I had to go pick up our children from school in 15 mins. Was not really enough time for me to get started. I got the kids, knowing that he would most likely get back on while I was gone. (I don't think he did, because of things I did later.) On my way back home, I stopped off and bought a tape recorder. When I came in, I ask my 17 yr old to please take her brother into her bedroom and turn up the TV as much as needed to be. See she had seen him clicking the first time, and chatting. And she came to me, the 2nd time too. That was when I took action on what was going on. She knew we were going to talk. His reason was because of lack of communication between us. I assured him that would not be a problem today!! By the way, he hated the recorder being on...
I demanded his user ID, his password, and all the nicknames of the girls. Two were on his friends list, so not a problem. I logged on the first day as him, and only looked and copied all profiles that these girls gave. I questioned him about what was talked about and so on with each one. As part of my therapy, the second day. I logged on as him. Got some more information from one that was not told to me by him. Which included her phone#. As each one got to certain point in the conversation with me. I revealed who I was. It was good therapy for me. And let them know that he would not be online anymore, from my house. I also changed his password and gave a real profile while I was there.
I got on the internet and researched internet sex and phone sex. As it turns out, I could answer Yes to all the questions ask in a survey (pretending it was him answering) I printed the quiz and ask him to answer it. Needless to say, some that I said Yes too, he said No. I then told him why, I thought they should be Yes. After, communicating... this, he realized that he has a sex addiction. I have now deleted the messenger off our computer. I can't control him, but I can control what is causing our lack of communication! The cell phone that he was using was the company cell phone. And once again, I can't control him, but I will not allow the cell phone in my home. And if I find it here, I'll throw it as far as I can. Then let him explain what happened. If the messenger is ever downloaded on my computer again. I'll throw the computer out too. You might have noticed that everything is now mine! I'm willing to work on our marriage and talk out all the problems. But, at the same time, he has to get help for his sex addition. He said he was sorry for all the hurt he has caused. But, then I've heard that before. I'm now at the stage of what2donext. I don't think it is my move, but his.
I do think you should cut him off from his world as he knows it. If you are paying for everything anyway, you and the kids will be fine. He might not be. He is not thinking of you and the kids, so why should you be thinking of him? My hope is that you take care of you. Unless you take care of you, it's hard to take care of the kids needs. You will be in my thoughts.

He's already told me he won't stop chatting with his friends.He's the host of the chat room he created.I just don't understand how or why he wants other womens attention and when he talks to them he refers to me as his X.He doesn't let me on the computer or the kids even if they have homework.He's made this chat room a priority in his life.He's always in front of the computer,if he goes anywhere when he gets back he goes right to the computer.Like I've mentioned before I have no control with this situation.He would choose the chat over our marriage and I can't understand why.He's definatly addicted and I can't compete with this anymore.I know about these other women by the way he may mention them to me but they don't know about me.I do have evidence that when he talks about me I'm always his X.I don't understand this.Now within my self I'm having a hard time even showing him any affection,I feel resentment and I've never felt this before in the whole 18+ years we've been together.For the past two nights I haven't been going in his room to spend time with him or watch TV.I've just been doing whatever to stay away from him.Last night I went into his room to say goodnight,he said "what your going to bed?I thought you'd come in here and see me".I'm loosing it.I have no hope now.Especially when he's the one who's telling me it's too late but then he wants me at his convienience or when he's not chatting which is seldom.I'm now having heart problems and I honestly think it's because of all the stress he's put me through the past two years.I've allowed too much,I've trusted him too much.I can't do this anymore.It's literally killing me.My thoughts now are,when he starts working is he going to have an affair with someone off line.As he says he's perfectly capable.I've given this man my life,love,attention for so long how can he just do this.Sex isn't and never has been an issue with us,it's never been a problem.He's actually more "prude"than I am which makes me feel uncomfortable at times.He's a good talker though.I don't know what's going to happen to us from here on out but I thank God for all of you and your support.Thank you!

Well Friday night he was at his computer as usual and I walked into his room and I noticed he was chatting with someone on MSN.He got upset that I interupted him.All I asked him is if he wanted a cup of coffee since I was making some.He got short tempered instantly and said he was very busy.It amazes me how much of a priority that chat room is to him.Anyway,he brought to my attention a name of someone in the chat room "rocks-oki".His name is rockcandy in the chat room but everyone calls him "rock" so I wondered who oki was and I asked him.When he gets involved with someone it's always "rock-n-_____"on his computer somewhere and sometimes it's been "_______-n-rock",so I questioned it.He said it was no one that was just her name.I just have my suspitions especially when he made a comment 3 weeks ago there is a woman in Oklahoma he chats with.He told me I have nothing to worry about and that there is no one else.He's not in love with anyone.He is planning to move out when he gets a job.He said moving out would force him to take care of himself and loose weight and be the way he wants to be.He told me not to worry about him to just take care of myself and the girls(we have 3 daughters 9,11,16.His past behavior has put me on my guard.He would always get real "cocky"with me,like he didn't care about what and how I felt.Then I would find out there was someone else.They would stop talking then he'd be "normal" with me again.So that's why I think now there's someone else again because of his behavior and what he's saying to me.But he's definatly moving out he's being very adiment about it so I'm sure he's making plans to leave soon.He also mentioned that he can't stay because me and the kids stress him out too much.Me and the kids only see him for about 2 hours a day now.They go to school and I work full time,when we get home he's glued to the computer in his room so we don't see him much.How can we stress him out??? My honest feelings are he'll move out before summer that way he can have another summer of love and travel,just like last summer and the summer before.There's only going to be one difference this year though.I'm not going to be there when he gets back this time.I'm really trying to heal but I keep getting slapped in the face with something new.He couldn't answer me when I asked him why does he refer to me as his X when he talks to these people.I also stated if these women knew the truth that he wouldn't be getting the attention he does.I've never had to stick-up for myself like this in any relationship I've been in but that's been so long ago.I don't even know how.I would rather talk than argue and I think I've handled things quite well so far.When I talk to him about things he doesn't want to confront or answer he'll always bring up the domestic violence and how he doesn't want that to happen again and thats why he's moving.So that's his way of changing the subject or to deture him from answering.Sometimes I think he's even threatening me in a way but I'm not intimidated at all.If I was acting irrate or yelling I could see him reacting but when I confront him I'm calm,soft spoken or talking normal so there's no reason for him to get upset except about the subject we're talking about.Anyway he's told me he's moving out for himself so he can get his life together and live it the way he wants too,but not once did he mention the children except told me to take care of them.I give up.I wish him well

Dear Mand,

First of all let me say I am so sorry for all the pain your husband has put you through and is putting you through now. Your post broke my heart.. It really touched me and is the reason I joined the MB forum and am posting here today.

Your post struck a chord with me as I am the WW and I have done alot of what your husband is doing. I became addicted to online chatting and my life has never been the same since I started 5 years ago. It is a hell all its own and yet I know that the hell he has put you through is even worse. I wanted to write to you to try to explain how he may have gotten to this point where he 'seems' not to care about you any longer.

For me it started with the excitement of just talking to interesting friends, men and women alike.. It became so exciting for me especially since I am home all day. It became my life.. and I substituted time with my online friends for anything real in life.. Eventually I became intimately involved with different online men and then my life felt even more exciting as I was falling in love..or so it seemed. I became dependent on these men and craved time with them.. The relationships took on a life of their own and I began to live a double life. I was so deep into the fog ... I really felt my online life was so real and so important..The relationships with online men felt as real as my life with my husband only they were all fun and excitement at least at first.. At the same time the reality of life at home dulled in comparison.

Eventually though I began to want more and so did the men. We talked of meeting and making this more than just online. (Thankfully for my sake and the sake of my marriage, there was never anyone who made me feel as loved and as good as my husband did, and I never met any of the men real)..Even in our darkest days, I always knew I loved my husband much more than any man I had ever met online..and yet I couldnt bear the idea of giving up whichever online guy I was involved with at the time. It was a craving ..an addiction that made me feel I had to have this man in my life.. I felt as if my life would be dull and boring if I wasnt involved with someone online. I just didnt want to give up that which made my life seem something more than dull and depressing.

I began reading marriagebuilders several years ago and I have read here almost addictively as well..but in that case it has been a good thing for me because little by little I began to absorb what so many who posted here were here to teach..and I began to see what I was doing was getting involved in EAs..Gradually and especially over the last few months I have come to realize that online relationships are addictive and not real. Things that are said here are actually meaningless.. The forum itself makes it that way and even if it were to go real, its just not a real relationship. I have known several women friends who have met men from online and not one of them is with that guy today..and it didnt matter if they felt he was the love of their lives.. It didnt matter.. Not a one of them survived and usually after a meeting the relationship slowly dwindled to nothing.. I know that some of these women have been through hell because the men they met have lied and played them..and have cheated on them..just like in a real relationship..and the pain for them has been intense...All of them say..never again.....and yet....they cant stop! They are like your husband and they are like I used to be..

It is hell to be addicted to a damn computer! Only those who have been there can possibly understand it..The only worse pain than the rollercoaster of emotions and the addiction to online relationships is the pain of knowing you have lied and cheated and betrayed the man who has always loved and protected you... as mine has..I live with the guilt of what I have done and how I have betrayed my wonderful husband. He didnt deserver any of this.. He was so hurt when he discovered I was involved with men online. Even so he chose to forgive and forget and to love me .. We are moving on and that is the only reason I can smile today. I cant bear to think of the past and all the things I said and did behind my husbands back.. Even though it was only online it was very wrong.. Never again..

I really hope there is some way I can help you Mand.. If there is anything you want to ask please do so.. I only wanted to try to help you in some small way to understand from the online addicts perspective.. Until your husband comes out of his fantasyland and starts to think clearly again he will remain lost .. he is in the fog of denial. he is denying that your marriage is more important than his online life.. but to be honest he is in cyber hell and is in for a rude awakening if he isnt able to find his way out of the fog and start to find the real world again..

None of this is your fault Mand. I hope you will find the answer you need for your life..I wish you the best.

Thinking of you..
Hugs
Lori

Thank you smiles.I'm so happy you were able to see the light unfortunatly I don't think my H will.My husband and I talked alittle 2 days ago and he's moving out to get his life together and to figure things out for himself.I don't know why he feels he needs to move but if thats what it's going to take I hope it works for him.He's extremely stressed and when I approch him or talk about his chat room he gets very defensive at times.He's already told me he wont give it up.He did say something today though that made me feel good.He said he's afraid once we separate for a while that I wont want him back,which might be true.But honestly I don't think he'll want to come back to me.He'll like his "freedom" too much.He's always been able to go anywhere do whatever durring our marriage,I'm not a nag and I don't "B" about things,I fix things in the house by myself.I can't rely and don't rely on him to do anything.I think he loves me but it's different now and I'm starting to see and understand that.When he moves out I'm looking forward to the time I'll have for myself without worrying about him chatting all the time.I've always been the one to care for the kids so nothings really going to change for me except his presents wont be there.It's not like we spend time together anymore and haven't for some time now because he's on the computer.Yesturday for example I saw him for less than an hour because he was chatting and installing all kinds of downloaded programs in his computer and then something went wrong so that's what I live with every day and have for the past 2 years now.He has these women calling his cell phone and sometimes our house phone when I'm not home.He'll quickly minimize a window when I walk in the room to ask him something and then be very mad at me.I've delt with this behavior on and off now for so long I can pick up the signs.My marriage is lost and I've lost part of my soul.I hope someday he'll find peace and happiness within himself.Untill he discovers that nothings going to work for him.Just within the past 2 years he's become a monster of lies,betrayal,deceat and like our 16yr old says he's become a player mom.Even she can see what he's done and doing.I'm having a hard time with what I've already have gone through with him with the "A's" on line and the one he left us for to meet in OH.Why would he want us back when he'll be living the life he wants in real life not just in the chat room.Another summer of love and fun for him.I just want to breath and focus on my children.We are all going to need time to adjust but in alot of ways it's like he's not with us anyway.He never plays games with us anymore or cook or even eat dinner with us,he eats in his room.So in a way it may not be so big of an adjustment for the children but it's a concern.I've always forgiven him for the hurtful words or the rejection.I still treat him the same way I want to be treated and that's with respect.It's like I should be acting like him(he's the one who had the A's).I haven't done anything wrong to be treat this way but yet he has and I'm still the loving wife,friend,lover I've always been.Anyway his plan is to get a job and move out and get his life together.I hope so.Thank you again

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MAND:
<strong>Anyway his plan is to get a job and move out and get his life together.I hope so.Thank you again </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's gone how many years so far without a job? He has absolutely no motivation and no reason to get a job, and I cannot believe for a minute he is going to do so.

I am assuming he is not a violent, rageful, physicially abusive threat? If you want him out of the house, take away his toys. I posted months ago to you that you needed to get rid of him, not the computer. But in this case - I would pack the computer up and take it to a friend's house, or work, or a storage unit. I would cancel any service that has your name on it - be it cable, cable modem service, cell phone, etc. I would clean out your joint accounts and open separate accounts.

If your story is real, this is one of the most dreadful slobs I have ever encountered (and I was married to one of them and knew a lot more). Until *you* force the issue, nothing will change.

I agree Mand, He's going to get a job, only when the store is closed and he can no longer pilfer from the till.

He has no incentive. He can talk about getting a job because you're getting fed up. But that just buys him time. My guess is what happened last time is that he moved out to be with his internet squeeze until she found out he was a user and the store closed there and sent him packing. Of course he came home to you, because you don't close the store.

If he moves out, he'll be back because he thinks he knows you won't get fed up the way the internet chat girls do once they know he's a user.

Well I think your right.I have another situation now.He's sueing some company because he saw an advertisement on the TV about the drug Oxycontin.He was on this med for about a year for a back injury but he hasn't taken it now for a year and a half.Now all of a sudden he's complaining of all the side effects this med can give you.He's been told by these lawyers that the drug can still be trapped in his fat cells and released every now and then and that could be why he feels funny sometimes.So his mind has ran away with that one.He called his domestic counselor and had an appointment with her to talk about drug addiction and rehab.Tonight he goes to his first group meeting.Now I work in a hospital and I've asked the pharmacy and the nurses about how long oxycontin stays in your system and they said not for a year and a half.So he's looking at the $$$$$$ and the lawyers get 40% of what they get for him if anything.What the H am I dealing with now.If it aint one thing it's another.He hasn't been in any rehab or given any indication to me that he needed to be but now he's playing it up.He needs the documentation from his DV counselor for his lawyer.Is this crazy or what? He's not even considering what thats going to do to us or him in the future.When we go to divorce court I'm sure this will be brought up,I don't think he thinks of the ramifications of this.It just doesn't make sence to me that he's now complaining of withdrawls.I'm also conserned about what kind of behavior he's going to learn in this group.I think his DV classes just made him a better player/lier.I'm sorry to go off like this but I'm shocked he's doing this.Thanks for letting me vent.....Luv mand

This "thing" he's trying could take a long time. What are you saying to him? Are you telling him you want him out? I would if I were you... It's not like he's contributing to anything, except your misery maybe.

TAKE THE COMPUTER, PUT IT IN STORAGE WHERE HE CANNOT GET AT IT AND DOES NOT KNOW WHERE IT IS AT. TELL HIM YOU SOLD IT IF HE ASKS.

THEN, CANCEL ALL PHONE BILLS, ETC COMPLETELY AND START A NEW CELL PHONE SERVICE IN YOUR NAME. USE THIS AS THE ONLY PHONE YOU HAVE. TAKE HIS NAME OFF ANY CREDIT CARDS.

THEN, CALL A LAWYER FIRST AND THEN CHANGE THE LOCKS ON ALL THE DOORS AND LOCK HIM OUT. PUT HIS STUFF AND "WORK CLOTHES" (HAHA, OUTSIDE.)

HATE TO CALL HIM A NAME BUT HE IS THE BIGGEST, LAZIEST DIRTBAG I HAVE SEEN ON THIS SITE IN A LONG TIME.

AND YOU ARE GOING TO HURT YOUR BACK SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR, KICK HIM OUT AND HIDE THE COMPUTER. HE WILL HAVE TO STAY AWAY SINCE HE WANTS TO BE CLOSE TO HIS COMPUTER AND HE WILL HAVE TO BUY ANOTHER ONE AND WORK TO FIND THE MONEY TO BUY ONE.

GOOD LUCK, TOO BAD YOU MARRIED THAT DIRTBAG IN THE FIRST PLACE, HOW LONG SINCE THE "LEECH" HAS WORKED A JOB?

AMEN to what baba2 said!!

Oh gawd... I'm sorry. I want to cry. How do you put up with this? I couldn't.. I can barely move on from this A my husband had with this girl he met online .. he met her once and had sexual encounter with her. He told me 2 days after the affair.. He had the nerves to tell me he wanted them to remain friends. Anyways that's the whole story right there. Sometimes I wonder if I should even accept to continue on with him. I wrote her a letter, and she had apologized to me for what happened .. but I told her it was not her fault.. and also that she said how much she is in love with husband and how WONDERFUL he is.. Right... She just needs to stay away.. but you see the saying "Keep your friends close and your enemy closer..More and more I want to keep her close to watch her." I still can't trust my husband because she keeps sending him msgs.. I know he made the effort not to talk to her..I've read some of the msgs he sent, but she keeps on sending MSG.. I'm sick of the sneaking around.. Anyways this will be short- lived because She understands that he loves me and have no intention of leaving me. He have low selfesteem and I KNOW IT, and her in the other hand also have self esteem issues because I could tell from the way she sounded and the way she wrote back to me.! He needs to go to therapy. His whole family is making sure he goes.

As far as for your husband.. he's a psychopath! No offense... I don't know how you put up with it girl! You are a strong woman and I can understand it is not going to EVER be easy to let you husband go or you leaving.. but sometimes we got to do things that hurt us in order to heal ourselves.

As far as my Husband's affair.. I'm giving this the right amount of time which is 6 months.. see how things go day by day.. And if I can feel like I trust him again.. I might stay.. If not, I'm 22 I will say goodbye. His life will not be so bright without me! It's going to be HIS lost.. definitely not for me... I'm going to be hurt.. sure.. but its worth escaping more pain for years to come.

Let's put it this way,we did our taxes last night and he made @ $1100.00 last year.He worked two different jobs.He had a great landscaping job last July and it paid quite well.He worked it a week told them he had to go out of town because his mother was sick then flew off to OH to meet A for a week then when he got back he worked it 1 more week silpped in a pond and sued the company for $10,000.00 in damages.????? to where the money went.He wasn't held a job in many many years.He's had 6 or 8 work comp cases in the past 10 years.One took almost 3 years to settle and he didn't work back then either.Come to think of it he hasn't lasted more than 3 months at a job since he got out of the Navy 15 years ago.I've always been the stable one.I've been at my present job going on 6 years,before here I worked at a different hospital but same profession and I was there over 5 years also,same profession for 22 years.All I know is I can't change whats happened but I have to keep moving on for my kids and myself.I made him 50 copies of an application so all he has to do is drop them off where ever.He says he has been going out and dropping them off at places.I really hope so.The sooner the better.Well I have to go.When I post I'm using the computer at work.I don't use the computer at home at all and he doesn't let the kids do anything on it either.So my time is limited at times.Thank you for your time.I'm so glad I have a place to get advice and vent at times.God Bless you all!

Good morning everyone!We had a pretty good weekend.We went out for breakfast together without the kids which we never do and we actually talked about all kinds of things.Times like that make it hard to realize whats happened and possibly still happening.I'm still on my guard and irrigaurdless of how nice he is being to me I know it can change at any moment.I can't help but think when he gets a job if he meets someone else if he'll start a local affair.He'll make comments to me like "I can't wait for us to go camping this summer".My first thought is-we're not going to be together then-your moving out remember.It's very confussing to me.It's like he doesn't know what he wants or he wants to live both worlds.It's like he's living a double life.Come Monday I'm at work and the kids are at school he becomes a different person with his chat room or when they call him.I know now he still talks to the lady he had the affair with(she lives in OH).He talks to her every Monday and Wednesday but he says there's nothing there anymore he cares about her but he's not "in love with her anymore".I'm finding that if I sit and listen to him he tells me more than if I were to ask questions.I'm still suspicous about his chat room the OH ladies name was "Venus"(he gave her that name).Now there's a lady in the chat room who's name was "bluejeanbabe",now it's "venus n bluejeans".I think that's kinda weired.I asked him where she lived when he mentioned her one day and he didn't know.So as you can probably tell I don't trust him at all.That's such a bad feeling.Marriage isn't supposed to be like this.I'm still sleeping in my kidses room.I don't mind actually, especially now that his computer is now in "our" bedroom.I can actually look at my H now and wish he would move out.I'm tired of trying while he's just kicking back chatting.So within my heart I've let him go.Things don't hurt me anymore.Whereas a year or so ago it would crush me,I didn't want to even go to the store because I knew whoever would call him or he'd call her right after I'd leave.If he went anywhere he would be chatting with someone and then get ready to leave but his cell phone would ring right when he would walk out the door or when he would kiss me before he left.That doesn't bother me anymore.It's like he's made me amune to the whole thing.Well I have to go to work now so thank you and I hope everyone has a pleasant day.

I don't know if this is improvement, its like you are accepting less. YOu do not care if he is in this relationship or not, yet you are sending yourself two messages. You felt good when you talked to him and feel somewhat close to him. I wonder if he is killing time until he finds a job. You can't let this go on like this. YOu try to not feel for what he does. I can understand it's a way to protect yourself. I did that when I could feel my husband was having an affair..........but didn't want to admit to myself and thought it was nearly impossible! AH! Just a wake up call for me....

I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better, I wish you'd have the guts to kick him out.. God it would hurt, but your heart would be free of some of this pain. He is causing it everyday, you are telling yourself its not hurting, but it is somehow.

I"m heading to class... sighs*** don't really want to go, but its part of what keeps me going. If I didn't have that I would be mainly focusing on my relationship and nothing else.

Anyways HUGS***

Last night when I got home from work my H was acting distant again.He spent his whole evening on the computer as usual not chatting but arranging his music he's downloaded.He was dressed nicely which is unusual.I told him he looked very nice,he told me that he had gone out and put in applications for jobs.About an hour later I said something to him and he said "I don't know I didn't go anywhere today".He has become such a lier and so deceatful.I'm trying so hard to keep our head above water and he doesn't care.Just with in the past two weeks I've managed to get us totally caught up on the house and all the utilities.I'm so proud of myself but it's killing me.I'm so tired and then I go home and have to deal with him.Everyone tells me to kick him out,but how.He'll call the police on me if I even touch any of his things in a threatening manner.Through the domestic violence classes he had to take he learned alot,right down to if he or I call each other names in an argument it's considered domestic violence.I'm not a violent person,I can sit down with him and he can say the most horrible things to me and it doesn't faze me.After what I've lived with the past two years there's nothing he can say to hurt me anymore.Instead I'm clam and I listen to every word.I've found if I just let him talk he tells more.I'm going to try to find out what my rights are as far as getting him to leave.It's hard because the only time I have is at work.I don't call people or use the computer at home,that's impossible.I miss my husband.It's like I'm living with an alien.He looks like my H but he's not the man I fell in love with.I have to get to work now but thank you for being here and I'm sorry you are.God Bless you

Mand,

I would really like to suggest individual counseling for you to find out why are believe you deserve so little....or are willing to accept the crumbs your husband throws your way. Your biggest problem right now, is that you've learned somewhere along the way that you aren't worth treating respectfully. *sigh* <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm really trying to be strong in every respect but I'm finding it's harder than I can handle sometimes.Last night he left @4:30pm to check on his X-bosses buisness (his X-boss liver in Virginia now).He may start working for him again which would be better than him sitting at home in front of his computer.My H didn't get back until 9:30.He didn't even say hello to me but went right to his computer.I'm suspisous about another woman in his chat room.Her name used to be "bluejeanbabe" but now it's "venus-n-bluejeans".I just think it's odd considering he gave the name venus to his last A.When he was gone last night I peaked in his chat room and she wasn't in there.I checked it a few times while he was gone and about 15 minutes before he got home and she still wasn't there.A few minutes after he got home I went in his room to say hi and I noticed she was now in his chat room.When he had the last A he used to leave the house when I got home and didn't come home until 9pm -1am because he'd park his car somewhere and talk to her on his cell phone.This went on for about a month.I really hope it's not starting again.I hate this,I want peace in my life and I want to feel comfortable in my house which I haven't felt in 2 years.I think just knowing he had other women in our home makes it uneasy for me.He still has some of the things they gave him and just knowing that 3 + women have slept in my bed with him took a shower or bath in my bathtub.So I'm seriously thinking of uprooting my children again and finding another home when I get the money.I don't want to cause more stress on the children just because of whats happened with him though so I'll have to see what happens. thanks for being here

I rarely say this to anyone.. LEAVE!! RUN DO NOT LOOK BACK!

We're all with you.. please pack up and get an appartment.. its you that pays the bills anyways.. you'll be able to afford a two bedroom appartment.. just for you peace of mind.. PLEASE LEAVE!! RUN!

My H is keeping in contact with his X-A in OH.He told me he talks to her every monday and friday mornings when she goes to school because her and her husband made a deal that she wouldn't chat at home.He was chatting with her yesturday.He told me he was just saying his hi's to her.They chatted for about 1/2 hour or so.Then he came and hugged me and told me he loved me.He's told me that he's not flying to OH to see her and they arn't getting together and I have nothing to worry about.It makes me feel like "S".I feel like I'm reliving the past two years.When he told me he was talking to her I instantly thought we're not going to make it, not when he's constantly getting emotionally involved with these other women.It hurt me and I had major flash backs of how he was with me six months ago when he was involved with her.There's nothing I can do now to stop him from doing what he does and how he talks to them.They don't know about me,they don't know I'm there with him and that's whats so upsetting.One good thing though is he got a job well sort of he wont see any money from it for a while but he's building computers and doing repairs for people with a friend and yes he has his chat room set up there too so he can watch it and still talk to his friends when he wants so it's totally out of my hands.It's weired he talks and treats me like I should be treating him.I'm not the one who had the "A's" he did,I'm not the one jeprodizing our marriage he is.I'm being extremly nice considering what he's done to us and our family but he doesn't see it that way.Well I have to get back to work.Thank you for being here, God Bless. Mand

My H is keeping in contact with his X-A in OH.He told me he talks to her every monday and friday mornings when she goes to school because her and her husband made a deal that she wouldn't chat at home.He was chatting with her yesturday.He told me he was just saying his hi's to her.They chatted for about 1/2 hour or so.Then he came and hugged me and told me he loved me.He's told me that he's not flying to OH to see her and they arn't getting together and I have nothing to worry about.It makes me feel like "S".I feel like I'm reliving the past two years.When he told me he was talking to her I instantly thought we're not going to make it, not when he's constantly getting emotionally involved with these other women.It hurt me and I had major flash backs of how he was with me six months ago when he was involved with her.There's nothing I can do now to stop him from doing what he does and how he talks to them.They don't know about me,they don't know I'm there with him and that's whats so upsetting.One good thing though is he got a job well sort of he wont see any money from it for a while but he's building computers and doing repairs for people with a friend and yes he has his chat room set up there too so he can watch it and still talk to his friends when he wants so it's totally out of my hands.It's weired he talks and treats me like I should be treating him.I'm not the one who had the "A's" he did,I'm not the one jeprodizing our marriage he is.I'm being extremly nice considering what he's done to us and our family but he doesn't see it that way.Well I have to get back to work.Thank you for being here, God Bless. Mand <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Well it's Friday and he should be talking with "X A" right now. He talks to her every Wed + Fri. It bothers me. Anyway I'd like to know if anyone knows of any sights on the net or books on self esteam.My self esteam is so low and I don't know why.I always put other people before myself.Sometimes I even irritate myself.I'd really like to figure out why I settle for less and why things are the way they are in my life.I always give my H the best of everything right down to the bigger peice of cake or the softest pork chop and I do that with everyone else also.Why-O-Why is what I'd like to know.I wait on everyone hand and foot and don't expect them to do anything for me.So if any of you know of any aides to help me,please let me know. Thank you

There's a major change going on with me now.Emotionally I've given up.My H has been extremely nice to me lately???But I don't care.I'm trying in my heart to forgive but on the same hand I'm finding that I'm letting go of our marriage.I'm realizing more and more that he truely doesn't love me anymore.I don't like to reflect too much on his past behavior,it's all too clear.The games he plays with me,the minipulation,the lies and deseption.This past summer was the worst.Not only did he fly off to OH to meet "A" but he invited an X A to our house to stay for a few days over 4th of July.She did.I met her the last day she was there.I stayed at a friends house.She couldn't even look at me.Apparently she had gained alot of weight since there A and my H called me every day while she was in my house.Anyway what could make my H do this to me.Sometimes I get flashbacks that come out of no where of things he's done to me and it's hard to brush it off.Do any of you know what would help.It's very disheartning when I think we're doing great then I walk in and he's chatting with Ohio.I can't help but wonder whats going on now.I've lived with this now for 2 years.All I want is peace of mind and soul not only for me but for my children also.I'm trying so hard to keep it together within myself for them.Last night for example. My kids needed help with their homework so I sat down to help them.I noticed he was chatting with the same person that 2 months ago we argued about and I moved all my things out of the bedroom.I think it's OH,she goes to her sisters or aunts house to use their computer or at least that's what my H told me 2 months ago.So last night it was very hard to sit and read to my daughter when I saw his screen,but I did, but it bothered me the rest of the night.He then wanted me to sleep in his room with him.I layed there until he fell asleep then went out to the couch.I even felt uncomfortable in my own bed.I wish I could find some materials/books to help me deal with all this and why I'm feeling the way I am.

MAND -

I know we all sound like broken records here, but KICK THE BUM OUT! The reason we keep saying that is because your posts are broken records. He is doing the same thing over and over. And so are you. That is the definition of insanity, you know. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I am new here, and probably shouldn't be giving advice, but you have allowed this person who is supposed to love and protect you to use you as a doormat for 2 years! I'm sure you don't feel very good about yourself or him or anything right now. My WH has not done 1/100 of the crap yours has, and I am still mad as he##!

Go to the library, and look up books on support for spouses of internet addicted people. Your WH has lost himself. He needs to find himself again. You cannot do that for him. Force him on his own. Kick him out. Show your DAUGHTERS (who could marry someone just like him some day if you let this continue, by the way) what they should expect from someone they let be intimate with them. What are they learning from you right now? Be honest, MAND. The only need he lets you meet for him is the one that he cannot physically get from his on-line girlfriends. What does that say to a young girl?

Listen to these people on here. They are wise in these matters. Cut him off - in all ways. Boot him out. Do not wait until April. Ask him to leave, and if he doesn't, do something drastic. Tell him he can stay, but the computer is going to your dad's house. Or he can leave and have his computer with him. Give him the choice.

2 years is 2 long!!! Show him what you are made of. I can see what you are made of, you are just using it in the wrong direction. It takes a strong woman to do what you have done. Kicking him out and not having to deal with it in your face every day will be a piece of cake.

Love, Amy