Shattered - 02/08/04 03:37 AM
Hi there....
I've been coming here for just over a month, and am finally having the courage to post. About me, I've been married for 6 years, 4 months, and husband has adopted my son from a previous relationship immediately after marriage. Son is now 12. I'm 33, H is 35, and I found out about his PA on 12/22/2003. It had been going on for approximately 18 months.
Originally I found a suspicious email account on our computer, and after questioning him, he admitted to corresponding with this girl who I had always had misgivings about. H was working in the public eye and it wasn't unusual for people in his career to have "groupies." I was never jealous....H always appeared devoted to me and my son, and while I wondered about this particular girl, I never actually thought that he'd get into an affair with her.
H was morbidly obese all his life and recently had weight loss surgery. he's since lost over 200 pounds. Affair started well before surgery was even thought of, and H was at his heaviest. It seems like he enjoyed the attention of this young woman, couldn't believe that she was interested in him, and allowed himself to get involved physically with her.
After the email account was discovered by me, he said that she had started emailing him, just telling him how good he looked, and too bad he wasn't single. He said that nothing happened, it was just something that he let go on because it made him feel good about himself. It was totally innocent, he said, never anything physical.
I'd decided to not let this come between us, and believed him. It wasn't like they were sleeping together after all!
Well, I was wrong. About a week after telling me this story, the actual truth about the PA came out and it was physical for 18 months. I couldn't figure out when they'd get together, but I found out that pretty much any time he had a chance, they'd meet.
My first reaction was to leave him. I'd always swore that if I was in a relationship where I was cheated on, there'd be no second chances and I'd walk away in a heartbeat. I drilled him for all the sordid details, and believe I got them all. Then, within 2 days, it was almost like we were newlyweds again. I think I was feeling desperate to do what I had to do to hang on to him. I felt that I didn't want him to feel deprived in any way with me so he'd have to call her.
At the beginning of November, he decided to go into the city (we lived a few hours away) and see a movie and stay overnight. He called me from his hotel room that night, and suggested that we move away to another city. We had been running a small business that was getting deeper and deeper in the hole, and he thought that we'd better decide to cut our losses, walk away, and start over in another city. I thought it was a great idea, and within that month, we were moved out and living 1000 miles away.
After finding out about the A, he told me that another reason for wanting to move so far away was to get away from the affair and the woman because he couldn't seem to stop it. I have to add here that he didn't tell me about the A voluntarily. I basically made him think that I had spoken to the OW and that he'd better come clean. So he was cornered.
We had decided to drive back home for Christmas, and he told me that yes, he did contact the OW and tell her that we were coming out and that maybe they could get together. But I really didn't "want to", he said.
Fast forward to now....we're still together, taking it a day at a time, and have seen a counselor once. He tells me that he doesn't want to lose me and my son, that he loves us, is so very sorry, and will do anything he has to to make things work. He voluntarily phoned the OW with me present, told her that it was over, that it never meant anything emotionally to him, that it was garbage, and to never contact him or me again. See, over the past couple of years, she ended up pretending to be MY friend. We'd email once in awhile, she'd visit our business....wasn't I the blind fool?
Things are going okay right now between my husband and I. He's a lot more loving and attentive to me. For the past year and a half, he'd been like a different person and I always thought it was because he was so unhappy with himself about his weight. I'm sure that was part of the problem, but it was also the guilt of cheating.
Before seeing the counselor, I was like a walking dead person. I couldn't think of anything but what he did, and I would always picture them together. After seeing the counselor, I felt much better and so optimistic. I truly believe my husband is deeply sorry and that he doesn't want to lose us. He also says that this was a one-time thing, meaning that this was the only person he cheated with. I've asked him many times to "come clean" if there were more, or if it had been going on longer, because I was prepared to give him "amnesty". If I found out something down the road, I'm not going to continue to try to forgive and stay together.
I've been so shattered that I will not go through this again. I don't even know that I can stay with him now, but I'm willing to try. I may be able to forgive someday, but I know that I will never forget. I also can't trust him yet....I'm always looking at the history on the computer, checking for clues to something that may or may not be happening. I can't seem to stop myself, and I really hate this bitter, suspicious woman that I've become. If there was anyone in this world that I thought would be totally faithful in a marriage, it's my husband, and now that faith and trust in him is gone, maybe forever.
Will things get better? I am willing to try to stay and work on our marriage so maybe that's half the battle. I'm just still so depressed....I was watching Dr. Phil the other day talking about infidelity and I couldn't stop sobbing hysterically. As I'm typing this I can't hold back the tears! It's been a month and a half....will the pain start to recede soon?
I am so grateful that this site is here. I've been hungrily reading the concepts on the site, and although it really hurts to read most of the posts here, I know it's helping me.
If you've read this far, thanks.
I've been coming here for just over a month, and am finally having the courage to post. About me, I've been married for 6 years, 4 months, and husband has adopted my son from a previous relationship immediately after marriage. Son is now 12. I'm 33, H is 35, and I found out about his PA on 12/22/2003. It had been going on for approximately 18 months.
Originally I found a suspicious email account on our computer, and after questioning him, he admitted to corresponding with this girl who I had always had misgivings about. H was working in the public eye and it wasn't unusual for people in his career to have "groupies." I was never jealous....H always appeared devoted to me and my son, and while I wondered about this particular girl, I never actually thought that he'd get into an affair with her.
H was morbidly obese all his life and recently had weight loss surgery. he's since lost over 200 pounds. Affair started well before surgery was even thought of, and H was at his heaviest. It seems like he enjoyed the attention of this young woman, couldn't believe that she was interested in him, and allowed himself to get involved physically with her.
After the email account was discovered by me, he said that she had started emailing him, just telling him how good he looked, and too bad he wasn't single. He said that nothing happened, it was just something that he let go on because it made him feel good about himself. It was totally innocent, he said, never anything physical.
I'd decided to not let this come between us, and believed him. It wasn't like they were sleeping together after all!
Well, I was wrong. About a week after telling me this story, the actual truth about the PA came out and it was physical for 18 months. I couldn't figure out when they'd get together, but I found out that pretty much any time he had a chance, they'd meet.
My first reaction was to leave him. I'd always swore that if I was in a relationship where I was cheated on, there'd be no second chances and I'd walk away in a heartbeat. I drilled him for all the sordid details, and believe I got them all. Then, within 2 days, it was almost like we were newlyweds again. I think I was feeling desperate to do what I had to do to hang on to him. I felt that I didn't want him to feel deprived in any way with me so he'd have to call her.
At the beginning of November, he decided to go into the city (we lived a few hours away) and see a movie and stay overnight. He called me from his hotel room that night, and suggested that we move away to another city. We had been running a small business that was getting deeper and deeper in the hole, and he thought that we'd better decide to cut our losses, walk away, and start over in another city. I thought it was a great idea, and within that month, we were moved out and living 1000 miles away.
After finding out about the A, he told me that another reason for wanting to move so far away was to get away from the affair and the woman because he couldn't seem to stop it. I have to add here that he didn't tell me about the A voluntarily. I basically made him think that I had spoken to the OW and that he'd better come clean. So he was cornered.
We had decided to drive back home for Christmas, and he told me that yes, he did contact the OW and tell her that we were coming out and that maybe they could get together. But I really didn't "want to", he said.
Fast forward to now....we're still together, taking it a day at a time, and have seen a counselor once. He tells me that he doesn't want to lose me and my son, that he loves us, is so very sorry, and will do anything he has to to make things work. He voluntarily phoned the OW with me present, told her that it was over, that it never meant anything emotionally to him, that it was garbage, and to never contact him or me again. See, over the past couple of years, she ended up pretending to be MY friend. We'd email once in awhile, she'd visit our business....wasn't I the blind fool?
Things are going okay right now between my husband and I. He's a lot more loving and attentive to me. For the past year and a half, he'd been like a different person and I always thought it was because he was so unhappy with himself about his weight. I'm sure that was part of the problem, but it was also the guilt of cheating.
Before seeing the counselor, I was like a walking dead person. I couldn't think of anything but what he did, and I would always picture them together. After seeing the counselor, I felt much better and so optimistic. I truly believe my husband is deeply sorry and that he doesn't want to lose us. He also says that this was a one-time thing, meaning that this was the only person he cheated with. I've asked him many times to "come clean" if there were more, or if it had been going on longer, because I was prepared to give him "amnesty". If I found out something down the road, I'm not going to continue to try to forgive and stay together.
I've been so shattered that I will not go through this again. I don't even know that I can stay with him now, but I'm willing to try. I may be able to forgive someday, but I know that I will never forget. I also can't trust him yet....I'm always looking at the history on the computer, checking for clues to something that may or may not be happening. I can't seem to stop myself, and I really hate this bitter, suspicious woman that I've become. If there was anyone in this world that I thought would be totally faithful in a marriage, it's my husband, and now that faith and trust in him is gone, maybe forever.
Will things get better? I am willing to try to stay and work on our marriage so maybe that's half the battle. I'm just still so depressed....I was watching Dr. Phil the other day talking about infidelity and I couldn't stop sobbing hysterically. As I'm typing this I can't hold back the tears! It's been a month and a half....will the pain start to recede soon?
I am so grateful that this site is here. I've been hungrily reading the concepts on the site, and although it really hurts to read most of the posts here, I know it's helping me.
If you've read this far, thanks.