Plan B Option Letter - 05/26/01 06:23 PM
Hi Everyone:<P>I'm single and the other party is single. He is seeing someone else. I met him at church.<P>He never brought this woman to church, she isn't seen with him around town, and he kind of pushed her to the side... and tried to draw and attract me... at church. (Which did NOT work... cause I felt threatened.)<P>Long story. I had an abusive previous marriage, was strongly attracted to this man, experienced panic in relation to him, and then learned he was seeing someone else.<P>It was like an "epiphany" or something. Saw this man at church, had never seen him before, our eyes met... and whoa!<P>Before this "epiphany" experience, I had searched my heart and described to my girlfriends what my "ideal" man would be like... height, weight, personality, style, he'd own a company, be, well, Dutch like me, etc.<P>This hits epiphany level if you have faith. My girlfriends thought I would be interested in someone who fit the list I came up with. They described an indvidual. I searched my heart. (I'm spiritual and just really search my heart when I relate to God and need answers.)<P>I asked my girlfriends what kind of vehicle this individual drove. They said, "Green Ford Truck". I searched my heart. Truck... yes. Ford... no. Green... no. Truck means masculine and that would fit. Ford would not fit. My man would drive a Chevy truck because Chevy trucks are more practical. Also, I heard a personality profile test result on why people select certain color vehicles to match their personalities. A person who selects green, per the survey, is an elitist type person. Nothing "wrong" with that... but not my type. A person who selects blue, however, is heavily weighted with responsibility in their character.<P>Searched my heart. No. Don't want to meet him. Any man of mine would drive a blue Chevy truck.<P>Don't ask me why I felt that... I felt it with clear knowing.<P>Well... I had this "epiphany" experience when our eyes met... and my heart was gone. I was still in the grip of aversion, experienced panic, and reacted against it. I was sure that there was no way possible that this individual could fit my list (which I kind of thought, in a way, ruled out all comers... too detailed and improbable).<P>Found out who he was. Height, weight, personality... was easily identified as in agreement with my list. Dutch. I'm like, "Well, what does he do?" Owns a company. I was like, "Oh dear. This is trippy. I fell in love at first sight... at church... from the heart... at what definitely felt like an act of God. What kind of vehicle does he drive?" Blue Chevy truck.<P>Well... I still had panic attacks. Then I learned he was seeing someone else. (He felt somewhat rejected because I had an aversive reaction towards him and avoided him until I could grow in comfort. Kind of drove him into his "someone else's" arms. My interaction was aversive to him, was not encouraging him, or meeting any emotional needs.) <P>Long story. Anyway, I finally outgrew most of my panic. Then I gave him to know that he had to break up with his gf... or we could not interact or relate. It was too painful to me, he expected too much of me in that he was passively waiting for me to outgrow aversion and making me responsible for his hurt feelings in relation to me, and three's a crowd... even if he kept the two of his in distinct spheres of his life... not fair to her, me, or himself.<P>I moved out of town. I left the church. When I asked him to break up with his girlfriend... I didn't offer anything. It was like break up or else I'm gone. (I was defensive.) He wavered. He refused. I left.<P>It's been 4 months of zero contact. I'm writing a very brief letter... not mentioning "stop seeing your girlfriend" and just saying that I need him to be available if I am going to be able to feel comfortable enough to relate to him in a way that meets his needs. (He's quite interested. He gives me what I call "smokin' looks"... and becomes quite hurt when I either avoid him or do not respond in kind. He's actually a very nice person. We react to one another.)<P>Enough of my mini-novel, here.<P>I'm writing the letter. He's had 4 months to pursue a relationship with just her... and he told me he has zero intention to marry her... which means she only meets one or two, maybe 3, of his needs... but he knows marriage won't work. He loves me... and was very hurt and upset that I did not respond appropriately and affirming, accepting, encouraging towards him (panic issue).<P>Anyway, I'm going to offer to meet his needs if he becomes available and makes a positive effort to meet mine. The letter is not combatitive, demanding, argumentative, or defensive. This letter has the right tone and offer... and I think the timing might be right.<P>It's taken me 3 1/2 years of divorce recovery to get this far (former husband major case... all biblical grounds for divorce... lied, said he was a Christian, and was not). Very strong aversion created.<P>God bless... anyone who actually read all that... <P><BR>Laura