I need advice on how to have patience as I wait for my WH to reveal details of the affair. We are in coaching with S Harley and he is just marvelous. So far he as admitted to very little, but has said that he has been weak and had an affair.

I want to know every single detail. Is that asking too much? Will it hurt my healing? Or should I just get the main facts?

Thanks, any advice is appreciated.

I cannot and will not advise you on how to have patience in situations where patience allows dishonesty.

Here is Joseph's letter.
Print it out and hand it to your H.

LINK

Once he has read Joseph's Letter, hand H 3 pieces of blank paper & a pen, and tell him "Now is the time" to write down the timeline of his affair. Start with what happened before they became intimate and "leave nothing out".
Tell H that you will read the timeline and take your time to understand.
Tell H that this is necessary for you to heal.

No patience. Guts and courage.

Thanks Pepperband. I understand. I feel he is being dishonest by not revealing more details. S Harley is working on him. Because it was a long term affair and he has been dishonest so long it will take some time. If he can't be honest with me by revealing the details of the affair our marriage will not work and I should move on.

I posted something else while you replied.

Pepperband,

Thanks for the link to Joseph's Letter. It's a great letter and explains things so well. I'm going to bring it up to S. Harley on our next coaching session this Friday morning. I'm trying to stick to SH's instructions to the "T" so I don't mess up our recovery.

Thanks you're the best

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

In the past I have tried to tell my WH that I need the details to heal because otherwise my mind fills in the blanks and I need to understand to make sense of things and he has the luxury of knowing the details and I don't. He tells me "How will you ever know that what I'm telling you is the truth". I think that's just an excuse.

PB,

Thanks for the reminder of the scripture in my signature. You help me be strong.

He talks like a lawyer.
When he does this you reply:
"Just answer the question."

Well, you picked a great user name.

I am going to re write this>>>>

"If he can't WILL NOT be honest with me by revealing ALL the details of the affair our marriage will not work IS OVER and I should move on WILL FILE FOR A DIVORCE."

See how the two ways of saying the same thing convey different levels of strength and conviction?

He responds that way because he's in law enforcement. Go figure

Yes, I see the differences in the two ways. Thanks!

I know. I remember reading that.
Which is why you respond in his language ... "Just answer the question."

If your law enforcement WH assumes that you will accept the minimum from him, you need to 're-arrange" his assumptions.

I love how you put that "re-arrange his assumptions".

Been there, done that, wore out the Tee-shirt.

That is an excuse, but the answer to his question is: take a polygraph.

If he won't give you the truth, Dr Harley would recommend you separate because recovery is impossible.

Courageous,

He tells me "How will you ever know that what I'm telling you is the truth". I think that's just an excuse.

How about "I'm going to tell you the truth because I married you and owe you complete historical honesty as a start to living transparently"?

Have you spoken with the OW and exposed her?

Yep polygraph.

God Bless
Gamma

Have him take a polygraph.
Polygraph Testing

I would also let him know that the onus is on him, not you. I would ask "how will you PROVE to me that you are telling the truth?"

It is obvious your husband is not in the least serious about recovery. A man who is serious says "I will do what it takes." This guy is not serious.

does he still work with the OW?

Courageous

It sounds like H is still in his fog. Trickle truth almost destroyed me. You never know when more info is going to come out and you NEVER expect it to be as bad as it is. I had to keep telling my WW everytime she trickle truthed me, "I replayed that in my head 100 times but never that bad". I finally told her that I needed the whole truth that day or I was leaving. She relented and spilled everything. It was way worse than I had expected and her trickle truths were filled with lies.

Be strong and get the whole truth now. Once he spills everything, make him take a polygraph. Then, and only then, will you have the peace you need to make your decisions and begin healing.

Really, Courageous .... you cannot make any decision until YOU are satisfied you know the truth about your husband, your marriage, his secretive life.

Do not determine whether you want to remain in the M without knowing/understanding the full story.

Our EPs included the whole truth as well as an STD test. My decision to stay/leave is still pending that test. It's been done, we're justing for the results.

Wow,

EPs (exraordinary precautions) are actions that are put in place to change the conditions that make an affair possible. They include things like having each other's passwords, access to computer and phone records, knowing where your spouse is all the time, etc.

I don't think STD tests and knowing the whole truth are EPs. They are, however, conditions a spouse may have in order to stay in a marriage after an affair. Each betrayed spouse has to identify what conditions are deal-breakers for remaining in the marriage. Certainly, knowing the whole truth and results of an STD test are reasonable conditions.

Courageous,
I concur with the suggestion of a polygraph. Your husband's refusal to tell you all the truth is cruel.

AM

I am pretty sure he still works with his OW, so nothing can be done until that changes.

Has that changed, courageous?

Courageous,

I just read your other thread. If your husband still works with OW, still has contact with her, refuses to write a no contact letter and is continuing to lie to you, you haven't started to recover your marriage. I don't see how things are any better than when your first arrived at MB. I am sorry.

AM

Courageous, you do understand the necessity of having WH no longer work with OW, right? (I suspect that is why you began this new thread, since your steadfast rejection of that MB principle was so much an object of consternation in your old one.)

Curing a case of giardiasis is of small value if one will stubbornly continue to drink from the same stream!

Courageous, you might want to listen to this radio clip with Dr Harley discussing how serial cheaters are created. That is what you are facing by not adhering to basic steps of recovery. And I will attest to the fact that couples like you end up back here with repeat affairs. I have seen this play out over and over again in the last 12 years:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=132#

It's done. I got answers to all my questions (about 60) over the weekend. He was forthcoming on everything. It was tough on both of us. Wow, it was nice to have answers (since I didn't have many at that point), but it was also terrible at the same time. Most of my assumptions were correct. It's good to know I can trust my gut.

It hurt terribly and will for a long time, but at least now I won't make up even worse scenarios in my mind like I had been.

I told him he needs to work harder at keeping me because I deserve better. I thanked him for the work that he's already done, but I told him that I won't put up with minimum work on our marriage. I told him to be a man of good character. He's come a very, very long way since this started, but he's slowly, slowly making progress. God and Steve Harley's coaching have been so helpful.

He doesn't work with her any longer. He admitted to me that she dumped him. It seems that my nuclear exposure to the whole planet ticked her off pretty bad. She told him that he was just using her for sex. But she'll probably come back. That's why, with Steve Harley's help, we have EP's in place. Steve is just wonderful. I can't say enough about him.

We're reading the book, Love Busters, together and have both filled out the Love Busters and Emotional Needs Questionnaires. Also, we're still in coaching with Steve.

So she has left that job?

Good for you!,
I know that was difficult for you, but you did it anyway.
Keep up the good work.