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I need advice on how to have patience as I wait for my WH to reveal details of the affair. We are in coaching with S Harley and he is just marvelous. So far he as admitted to very little, but has said that he has been weak and had an affair.
I want to know every single detail. Is that asking too much? Will it hurt my healing? Or should I just get the main facts?
Thanks, any advice is appreciated.
Me: BS
DH: WS
Married 20 years no children
DD: Nov 2012
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
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I cannot and will not advise you on how to have patience in situations where patience allows dishonesty.
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Here is Joseph's letter. Print it out and hand it to your H. LINK Once he has read Joseph's Letter, hand H 3 pieces of blank paper & a pen, and tell him "Now is the time" to write down the timeline of his affair. Start with what happened before they became intimate and "leave nothing out". Tell H that you will read the timeline and take your time to understand. Tell H that this is necessary for you to heal. No patience. Guts and courage.
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Thanks Pepperband. I understand. I feel he is being dishonest by not revealing more details. S Harley is working on him. Because it was a long term affair and he has been dishonest so long it will take some time. If he can't be honest with me by revealing the details of the affair our marriage will not work and I should move on.
Me: BS
DH: WS
Married 20 years no children
DD: Nov 2012
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
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Thanks Pepperband. I understand. I feel he is being dishonest by not revealing more details. S Harley is working on him. Because it was a long term affair and he has been dishonest so long it will take some time. If he can't be honest with me by revealing the details of the affair our marriage will not work and I should move on. I posted something else while you replied.
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Pepperband, Thanks for the link to Joseph's Letter. It's a great letter and explains things so well. I'm going to bring it up to S. Harley on our next coaching session this Friday morning. I'm trying to stick to SH's instructions to the "T" so I don't mess up our recovery. Thanks you're the best 
Me: BS
DH: WS
Married 20 years no children
DD: Nov 2012
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
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Joined: Oct 2000
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Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
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Joined: Jan 2013
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In the past I have tried to tell my WH that I need the details to heal because otherwise my mind fills in the blanks and I need to understand to make sense of things and he has the luxury of knowing the details and I don't. He tells me "How will you ever know that what I'm telling you is the truth". I think that's just an excuse.
Me: BS
DH: WS
Married 20 years no children
DD: Nov 2012
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
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PB, Thanks for the reminder of the scripture in my signature. You help me be strong.
Me: BS
DH: WS
Married 20 years no children
DD: Nov 2012
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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He tells me "How will you ever know that what I'm telling you is the truth". I think that's just an excuse. He talks like a lawyer. When he does this you reply: "Just answer the question."
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PB, Thanks for the reminder of the scripture in my signature. You help me be strong. Well, you picked a great user name.
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If he can't be honest with me by revealing the details of the affair our marriage will not work and I should move on. I am going to re write this>>>> "If he can't WILL NOT be honest with me by revealing ALL the details of the affair our marriage will not work IS OVER and I should move on WILL FILE FOR A DIVORCE." See how the two ways of saying the same thing convey different levels of strength and conviction?
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He tells me "How will you ever know that what I'm telling you is the truth". I think that's just an excuse. He talks like a lawyer. When he does this you reply: "Just answer the question." He responds that way because he's in law enforcement. Go figure
Me: BS
DH: WS
Married 20 years no children
DD: Nov 2012
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
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Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 114
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Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 114 |
If he can't be honest with me by revealing the details of the affair our marriage will not work and I should move on. "If he can't WILL NOT be honest with me by revealing ALL the details of the affair our marriage will not work IS OVER and I should move on WILL FILE FOR A DIVORCE." See how the two ways of saying the same thing convey different levels of strength and conviction? Yes, I see the differences in the two ways. Thanks!
Me: BS
DH: WS
Married 20 years no children
DD: Nov 2012
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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He responds that way because he's in law enforcement. Go figure I know. I remember reading that. Which is why you respond in his language ... "Just answer the question."
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If your law enforcement WH assumes that you will accept the minimum from him, you need to 're-arrange"  his assumptions.
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If your law enforcement WH assumes that you will accept the minimum from him, you need to 're-arrange" his assumptions. I love how you put that "re-arrange his assumptions".
Me: BS
DH: WS
Married 20 years no children
DD: Nov 2012
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Been there, done that, wore out the Tee-shirt.
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He tells me "How will you ever know that what I'm telling you is the truth". I think that's just an excuse. That is an excuse, but the answer to his question is: take a polygraph. If he won't give you the truth, Dr Harley would recommend you separate because recovery is impossible.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Courageous,
He tells me "How will you ever know that what I'm telling you is the truth". I think that's just an excuse.
How about "I'm going to tell you the truth because I married you and owe you complete historical honesty as a start to living transparently"?
Have you spoken with the OW and exposed her?
Yep polygraph.
God Bless
Gamma
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