Asked for divorce last night... feel horrible - 04/30/07 09:06 AM
was married once before... divorced for 5 years now with 2 children (boys) from that marriage ages 14 and 10. I met someone a year after my divorce and we were together for 3 years marrying last July. My marriage has been a wreck since our honeymoon, so much so that I contemplated annulment on our return. I took her to Italy, and she lost her main bag. She was understandably upset, but essentially, the entire 2 weeks in Italy was lost because of her not having clothes. I have the finances to get more, but she was so fixated on the ones she lost, that she couldn't even see that she had me. I even told her I felt she cared more for her luggage than the fact that I... her new husband... was standing right in front of her, trying to fix the problem rather than just be crushed by it.
She also has 2 children, girls ages 4 and 8. I absolutely love them dearly. I have tried to be a consistent dad between my boys and the girls. I have failed at this in her eyes. She believes that I take sides and am more loving towards my own boys than the girls. I have told her that I try to be consistent, and I really do... but all she can see is when I correct one of the girls, that I am being mean. And if I fail to correct the boys, in her eyes, I am being unfair.
We have been going to marriage counseling since 4 months after being married. She is an angry woman, and I had no idea just how angry she was until we became married and I saw her on a daily basis. Her mother and she have had a very poor relationship, but they never acknowledge problems, they fight about them, then pretend like they never happened when around each other. But she holds on to the anger. I don't ignore the problem, and so when I want to discuss an issue.. she just doesn't want to at all, and we usually end up in an argument.I can say nothing which will help her to talk, but she will yell and just become severely MEAN. There is no other way to describe it... just flat out mean.
Our sex life has been non-existent since we were married. Before we were married, it was pretty good, and I had explained to her that it was an important part of what I needed and wanted in marriage. When I told her this, she actually became angry with me for saying it. Yes.... red flag number 1 gazzilion... I know. But I really didn't think that she could be so crass as to just turn sex off in the way she did. We were in Italy for 2 weeks, and did not consumate our marriage for 4 days. And then made love ONLY at my behest 3 other times. We have made love 22 times since we have been married. I guess it might seem like alot to some, but it has been no where fulfilling to me. I have tried in every way possible to explain this to her, but she ignores me completely. She is an absolutely beautiful woman, which makes it all the more difficult to deal with on a daily basis.
I really do love her, and would work to change the issues we have, but she just won't do anything. She just says that I believe it is all her... but that it is really all me. I tell her that is fine, what about me is the problem? What can I be that would make me the perfect man for her? What does she expect our marriage should be like? What does she think a husband is supposed to be like? She can never tell me anything when I ask her these questions. She says be nicer... I brought up counseling, and she went, but she was always upset about going. And wanted to switch it to less and less often. I asked her to go to the May Marriage Builders Workshop... but she said that she felt that it wouldn't be good, and that perhaps just a weekend away alone would be what she needed. She didn't think that intense work would be good. I have asked her to read Harley's books... or ANY books. She absolutely refuses.
We have been getting worse and worse lately... actually I think I have just been less and less accomodating of her poor behaviors toward me. I just can't continue to be so sad and upset over everything that occurs in my marriage. It was as if, I had finally hit zero balance on my tolerance bank. NOT my love bank, I love her dearly. But My tolerance bank was all dried up. Finally, yesterday, she went off on me once again. I was wrong about the issue, and I told her I understood that fact. Last night, I tried to speak with her about it, and she was just hateful. She screamed at me, and even though I tried to bring the situation down a few levels, she just became more and more furious. At one point however, I was ready to chuck all the bad feelings and just wanted to hold her, the caretaker in me I guess... or just my desire to remain married and because of my love I absolutely feel. I could see how hurt and scared she was... I said something to that effect, and she said that she didn't WANT a hug and that she WANTED to be mad. She then did the last thing I ever thought she would do... she said "does this conversation bring back memorys of how you and your ex wife used to talk?" The hateful nature that I saw burning in her eyes as she said it was more than I could stand. I just walked away and went up stairs. After thinking about it for about half an hour, I went back downstairs, and told her I am done. I didn't use the word divorce, but she immediately knew what I was saying.
I wish that there was a way to fix everything... but I really don't believe there is and possiblity. The issues go far deeper than me and my part in our marriage. And although I am absolutely sure that I have a major part in the problems... I really feel that I am a pretty good guy. No one has ever accused me of being mean or selfish before. Everyone in her family openly states that she was alway both.
I feel horrible... for so many reasons. Because I don't want divorced... because I don't want to be divorced AGAIN (last one ended because my wife was repeatedly unfaithful), because I don't want to hurt our children... Because I don't want to hurt her... Because I don't want to be alone...
If there was some way to change it I would. But I think it would require her saying, I am sorry... I love you. And I just don't believe that will ever happen. I have heard her say she was sorry only one time. I have been the mender of all problems... and it has worn me through...
I just don't know what to do... I feel strangely relaxed and horribly sad all at the same time. I feel freed and hopelessly lost. I believe in God, and didn't ask for my first divorce, infact coming here trying to seek help. But now, it seems so different... I love her, and would do anything for her, but the thing is she doesn't feel the same way, and isn't willing to let down and just say I love you.
I can't believe that I am getting another divorce... it just breaks my heart.
She also has 2 children, girls ages 4 and 8. I absolutely love them dearly. I have tried to be a consistent dad between my boys and the girls. I have failed at this in her eyes. She believes that I take sides and am more loving towards my own boys than the girls. I have told her that I try to be consistent, and I really do... but all she can see is when I correct one of the girls, that I am being mean. And if I fail to correct the boys, in her eyes, I am being unfair.
We have been going to marriage counseling since 4 months after being married. She is an angry woman, and I had no idea just how angry she was until we became married and I saw her on a daily basis. Her mother and she have had a very poor relationship, but they never acknowledge problems, they fight about them, then pretend like they never happened when around each other. But she holds on to the anger. I don't ignore the problem, and so when I want to discuss an issue.. she just doesn't want to at all, and we usually end up in an argument.I can say nothing which will help her to talk, but she will yell and just become severely MEAN. There is no other way to describe it... just flat out mean.
Our sex life has been non-existent since we were married. Before we were married, it was pretty good, and I had explained to her that it was an important part of what I needed and wanted in marriage. When I told her this, she actually became angry with me for saying it. Yes.... red flag number 1 gazzilion... I know. But I really didn't think that she could be so crass as to just turn sex off in the way she did. We were in Italy for 2 weeks, and did not consumate our marriage for 4 days. And then made love ONLY at my behest 3 other times. We have made love 22 times since we have been married. I guess it might seem like alot to some, but it has been no where fulfilling to me. I have tried in every way possible to explain this to her, but she ignores me completely. She is an absolutely beautiful woman, which makes it all the more difficult to deal with on a daily basis.
I really do love her, and would work to change the issues we have, but she just won't do anything. She just says that I believe it is all her... but that it is really all me. I tell her that is fine, what about me is the problem? What can I be that would make me the perfect man for her? What does she expect our marriage should be like? What does she think a husband is supposed to be like? She can never tell me anything when I ask her these questions. She says be nicer... I brought up counseling, and she went, but she was always upset about going. And wanted to switch it to less and less often. I asked her to go to the May Marriage Builders Workshop... but she said that she felt that it wouldn't be good, and that perhaps just a weekend away alone would be what she needed. She didn't think that intense work would be good. I have asked her to read Harley's books... or ANY books. She absolutely refuses.
We have been getting worse and worse lately... actually I think I have just been less and less accomodating of her poor behaviors toward me. I just can't continue to be so sad and upset over everything that occurs in my marriage. It was as if, I had finally hit zero balance on my tolerance bank. NOT my love bank, I love her dearly. But My tolerance bank was all dried up. Finally, yesterday, she went off on me once again. I was wrong about the issue, and I told her I understood that fact. Last night, I tried to speak with her about it, and she was just hateful. She screamed at me, and even though I tried to bring the situation down a few levels, she just became more and more furious. At one point however, I was ready to chuck all the bad feelings and just wanted to hold her, the caretaker in me I guess... or just my desire to remain married and because of my love I absolutely feel. I could see how hurt and scared she was... I said something to that effect, and she said that she didn't WANT a hug and that she WANTED to be mad. She then did the last thing I ever thought she would do... she said "does this conversation bring back memorys of how you and your ex wife used to talk?" The hateful nature that I saw burning in her eyes as she said it was more than I could stand. I just walked away and went up stairs. After thinking about it for about half an hour, I went back downstairs, and told her I am done. I didn't use the word divorce, but she immediately knew what I was saying.
I wish that there was a way to fix everything... but I really don't believe there is and possiblity. The issues go far deeper than me and my part in our marriage. And although I am absolutely sure that I have a major part in the problems... I really feel that I am a pretty good guy. No one has ever accused me of being mean or selfish before. Everyone in her family openly states that she was alway both.
I feel horrible... for so many reasons. Because I don't want divorced... because I don't want to be divorced AGAIN (last one ended because my wife was repeatedly unfaithful), because I don't want to hurt our children... Because I don't want to hurt her... Because I don't want to be alone...
If there was some way to change it I would. But I think it would require her saying, I am sorry... I love you. And I just don't believe that will ever happen. I have heard her say she was sorry only one time. I have been the mender of all problems... and it has worn me through...
I just don't know what to do... I feel strangely relaxed and horribly sad all at the same time. I feel freed and hopelessly lost. I believe in God, and didn't ask for my first divorce, infact coming here trying to seek help. But now, it seems so different... I love her, and would do anything for her, but the thing is she doesn't feel the same way, and isn't willing to let down and just say I love you.
I can't believe that I am getting another divorce... it just breaks my heart.