I am divorced/remarried. I can see how many of the problems in my 1st marriage were my fault (independent behaviours, angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments... and an affair right at the end).

I am repentant - at least, I hope I am. My ex-husband was hurt by the way I treated him, and his family was hurt too. I am truly sorry - at the time I wasn't sorry, but I am now. This has been building for some years now: I started with only self-pity but gradually grew to an understanding of how much pain he must have suffered.

I think I would like to apologize: it's way too late for any sort of reconciliation, and we have no contact at all, but I would still like to offer an apology. I'm afraid of my own motives, though. What if I just want to apologize to make myself feel better? What if I want him to forgive me so I can feel better? That's not the motive I want to have. I would like an apology to be entirely non-self-serving. Is this even possible?

Also, I would not want to wound him by apologizing. If he's happy, and has forgotten (mostly), then I would not want to dredge up painful memories. and I don't want to expect anything.

I just want to say that I am sorry, and not demand anything, like forgiveness.

Should I do this?
I appreciate any advice - tough or not.
Thanks.

Welcome to MB.
If an apology is true how can you go wrong? Do you have children with your ex? Then they deserve an apology too.

Did you marry your affair partner?

Post it here first so we can see if it's truly sincere.

Hi - wow thank you so much for replying so fast!

We have no children.

I did marry my affair partner *ducks and covers head*

You mean I should post the letter draft here? If that's what you mean, I'll draft something today!
Thank you so much.

PS - I have been a LURKER. This is my 1st post. Thank you,

Yes draft and post the letter here.

Do you know Dr. Harley's position on affairages? Listen to this Radio clips on affairages

Has your BXH remarried?

Also you can email the radio show. Excellent resource.
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

"affairages..." yes, I read one of the MB articles about that: Dr Harley doesn't see much hope. I have not listened to the radio clips yet.

I don't actually know whether he has remarried: I hope so, he once said he would like to. We have had zero contact for a couple of years though.

I do know that he has moved to another continent, however, for a very good career opportunity: his parents occasionally talk to my grandmother on the phone.

I do also know that he was dating a bit while still living here (acquaintances told me.

I would hit notify and move this to the SAA forum you'll get a lot more traffic and responses.

hmm - ok, done. Thanks.

I guess while I wait and see whether my threat will be moved, I will post by first draft... if there is anyone who could comment, I would appreciate it.

Dear (name deleted),
First, thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.
I write to apologize, unconditionally, for having treated you badly during our marriage. I�m very sorry for having caused you pain, and for having hurt and distressed your family as well. Looking back, I can see how I pursued my own interests to the detriment of our marriage, and failed to consider your needs and feelings in many ways.
There are several specific incidents which I would like to apologize for:
� shouting and yelling at you
� neglecting you and not coming home until late (especially when you were already feeling bad about our impending separation),
� spending more time with friends than with you (poor friendships which, by the way, have long since petered out),
� accusing you of crazy things like throwing away my belongings (I now know you never did this!)
� engaging in independent behaviours that ultimately caused our separation
� but mostly, for disrespecting you by carrying on a relationship with another man.
You are justified in any anger you might have felt toward me, because of these things, and I want to offer my apology for them.
Thank you for reading,
(Me)

MTL. I really like what you wrote.

But in all honesty...why? I think I (a BS myself) would just regard it as self-serving and toss it away. Especially since you are still married to the OM.

Leave BXH alone. Just my opinion.

Pokerface - thanks for that.

I was asking myself the same question, actually.

Your perspective is really valuable - you would regard it as self-serving, having been betrayed yourself.

That's exactly what I don't want to do - send an apology that would be self-serving. And if the only result is annoyance or worse, pain, to my ex-husband, but I'd get to say to myself "look at me, I did the right thing", then i guess it would only be self-serving and nothing but.

I will have to think about it though - I keep feeling like an apology is called for, somehow... is indeed a right thing to do, after causing pain...

i don't know... I don't know how it can help him, actually. Probably it wouldn't, at all.

I just ask myself - what's an apology for? Where there remains a relationship to sustain or mend, I see the need for an apology.

But where there is no longer a relationship, does that mean that no apology for past wrongs should be made? I don't know...

a couple of years ago, just as the divorce was finalizing, we did have a face-to-face chat about "what went wrong," and I admitted my affair to him, with an apology. He seemed pretty philosophical about it, and we parted amicably. But still... this was just verbal, not written apology.

Still though - maybe that was enough, and as you say Pokerface, I should just leave it be...
Thanks,

So if you already apologized in person and told him about the affair why do it again?

Was your first apology not sincere?

Are you having doubts because you married your affair partner? Was your affair partner married at the time also? Did he have kids?

Do you wish you would have stayed and worked on your M?

MTL this will sound harsh...the "right" thing to do is to divorce yourself from the person who helped you to destroy XBH life and start to live your life as an upstanding woman with values and morals.

Then you can apologize and it may mean something to XBH.

Good questions all.
No, my first apology was sincere. But i always felt a written one would carry more weight. But maybe that 1st one was enough.

My affair partner was not married - 9 years divorced. His son (grown) lives fully across the continent: they do keep in touch, though.

Am I having doubts... what I am having doubts about is whether it's possible to be repentant and not formally apologise.

Do I wish I would have stayed etc... sorry for the indirect answer: I am sorry for having hurt him. At the time I had little insight into how my behaviour would make him feel, but looking back I am very very sorry for having put him through that.

You ask good questions. I start to think an apology letter would be just a self-indulgent exercise.

well, since I am not going to do that, perhaps you are right about the letter being pointless.

I'll think about it some more but... having heard your perspectives I am tending to agree with you to just leave it be.
Thank you,

I would still email Dr. Harley. It would be nice to get his take on it.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

thank you - I will do that!

Hi Pokerface - just a follow-up question...

I don't want to divorce my husband. It's hard for me to explain what I mean here: i wonder if we wind up beating the odds, say, and make it past the usual-death-mark for this kind of marriage, would you still say "divorce him?" Let;s say, we make it to 15 years. Would you still say "divorce him?" We're coming up 5 years now, so it seems sort of silly to break that up just to make a point.

I know MB is not the place to defend the existence of marriages to affair partners. I am not trying to do that, here or anywhere. Also I don't mean to start a debate or anything. This is a bit of a tangent, I realise. But, it's a question I hadn't thought of, and while i disagree I would love to hear what you think. Truth be told, I don't tend to ask these questions to anyone...

Doing the right thing is NEVER wrong ...

Your affairage came about with lies, deception, and huge pain to your XBH. This is its foundation.

XBH may have seemed "philosophical" about the whole thing...but trust me when I say that it cut to the very core of his being.

You have not said if there was another family who was also destroyed in this.

I think that I personally would struggle with happiness built from hurtful choices. Maybe you are starting to feel this yourself and thus the need to apologize and legitimize your choice.

But then only you can decide how you want to live your life.

Hi - appreciate all your advice.

Pokerface: I never said anything about "legitimizing my choice." I know there's no excuse to have affairs, which what's been prompting me to make a formal apology. No need to put words in my mouth.

Maybe you didn't read my posts carefully: I said above there was no other family.

Also you are assuming thoughts I am not having: I'm not struggling in my marriage, but struggling with whether or not to write an apology letter.

I came here to ask because I was sure the people in this community would have a wise perspective to offer on this course of action, and I'm glad I did.
Thanks all, and before anyone gets hysterical, I'll say goodbye.

I was just answering the question that you directed at me. That was my honest reply.

Peace.

My input.....

just leave your Ex H alone.

The apology won't make him feel good. It will just remind him you exist and he doesn't need that....esp. since you are married to your present H.

Do you think the apology you gave him for your affair after the divorce was believed by him since you were with your OM then married thus OM?

What does your current H think of your plan?

Good question.

Ditto

x3

Agree with the rest. It would mean absolutely nothing to me if my POSex sent me this. He shoulda been this sorry when it mattered. Leave him alone and let sleeping dogs lie.

Later you say that you've been married to affairage for close to five years now. What is it, a couple or five?

I actually never got an apology, neither did my 3 kids. We were married 20 years, and he married his affair partner,and is still married to her after 7 years. I would still like to get one, and I believe my kids would too.

Also I do not believe MLT should divorce her present husband. Why rip another marriage apart and cause all that pain?

Would it make a difference if you received this apology while he is still married to his OW? Or would it feel like a slap?

we had a wonderful marriage to the end, and I was left dumbfounded....wondering what I had done, he just left the kids and I so unexpectantly that we hardly had a chance to react! I would at least like an explanation, with an apology if he could ever get to that part. We may never get this, but I think it would be nice for the kids

Thanks for your response. It's interesting how each BS is different in what they want.

Sorry for your pain, my friend.

If my first husband apologized for the pain he caused, I think it would actually help me, especially if he acknowledged his wrongdoing to the children. I also wish there was some sort of just compensation from him. This is even though it's been many years and he's married to his affair partner. Would I want them to get a divorce? Honestly, I wouldn't want that on anyone, but do I see it happening eventually? Yes.

But in this poster's case, she has no contact with her ex, no children...so I would leave well enough alone. It seems like for some reason she wants to make contact with him again...sounds like wayward behavior at its finest. What is the state of her current affairage, I wonder?

x4 ... you are still enjoying your ill-gotten gains. It would mean NOTHING because the perpetrator and accomplice are still doing the EXACT same behavior that started this mess.

Nothing except time has changed in this situation. The OP is only enough sorry to feel bad, not do the hard work to actually fix the cesspool she created.

Here is a suggestion.

Make a generous anonymous donation in EX-H's name to a charity you know your EX-H would support.

Send no letter to EX-H.
Never own up to anyone that you made the donation.

I like this.

Me too! X2! Very creative!

I agree with all the other poster in that you should leave your ex alone. What you seem to be exhibiting is NOT true remorse. You aren't sorry for what you've because you are not willing to stop. You are just sorry he got hurt while you embarked on your own selfish pursuits.

IMHO, only you will benefit from something such as an apology. If you want to make things right, leave your current husband and return to your former. If that isn't an option for you, leave him alone.

I think an apology can never be wrong. Once you apologize it is up to him to forgive you or not. I have WW which I would hope someday she would apologize. I don�t see that happening. But I think about it.

I would add this to your apology, it�s not only what he suffered then, but what he still suffers. Who gets married to later get a divorce? I think about that. I think about how my WW has changed my life so much�in a direction I never wanted to go. Each day is a life I never wanted, asked for or agreed too.

My 2 cents.

Skidman,
I understand what you meant but an apology is only as good as the efforts that follow to rectify the wrong. In this case, she continues to be with the affair partner and has no desire to give him up. That is not righting the wrong. Words mean nothing without action!

And now .... May I present some perspective !!!!!

I went into Skidman's wallet when he was not looking.
I relieved Skidman of 3 $20 bills.
I then went away, used the $60, and did not speak to Skid.
Now, 4-5 years later, my conscience nags me.
I want to sent an apology to Skid that I stole his $60 bucks.
I wrote an apology letter to Skid, and I mailed it.
I hope my apology makes Skid feel better.
Less violated.
Less naive.
I hope my apology makes Skid feel safer.
I hope my apology makes Skid feel less used.



I think the following is far more important than an apology ....

In fact ....

True story .....

For more on this excellent subject of making amends, rent the 2007 movie Atonement. Based on the novel by Ian McEwan.

Ruining a life (lives) is not without consequences.

Think about POWERFUL words like amends and atonement and just compensation ..... compare with the easy-breesy; "I just want to say I am sorry.".

Weigh the value of "I just want to say" .... compare that level of effort to what it takes to offer an amends, an atonement, or just compensation.

MTL - there is no dignity or sincerety in what you want to do. It is about making you feel better. Put yourself in his shoes - how would you feel getting a letter from yourself, a WW who is married to her OM?

I would read it and just say 'whatever'...

Instead, please take Pep's advice in heart and think about it.

Pep, you are a wise-wise woman!

My two cents ... don't send the letter of apology. He has obviously moved on. I don't want an apology from my XWH who also married his affair partner. There are no words that will compensate me for the immense pain he caused. I've moved on and hearing from him about any regrets he might now have would be like digging into old wounds with a dull knife.

The circumstances are different, but years ago I had a close friend who went through the 12-step program of AA. One of those steps includes making ammends to those you've hurt. So one day my old friend called to tell me he had to make ammends to me. He apologized for specific incidents where he had caused me emotional pain. He had a laundry list of specific incidences. He went through the whole list followed by words that included "sorry" and "regret." Then he hung up. I had forgotten about a number of those incidents and found myself pretty upset over being reminded of them. In fact, I was upset for days to come and was angry that he had dumped all of his old baggage on me out of the blue. It was almost as hurtful as the first time around.

I would agree with you, if she were presently a wayward spouse having an affair. She is not, but now married her affair partner. That said, some things that are done cannot be undone. A murderer cannot bring the dead back to life but only express sorrow to those who have been hurt.

I think Marriage Builders teaches the marriage is first. While she chose to play the harlot in her last marriage, the fact is, she is now again married. She must now put that first. The guilt, shame and remorse she has express, is probably having an effect in her present marriage. An apology to her betrayed ex, will probably help her go forward with the choice she has made. The Bible also teaches, she can now never go back to her ex-husband. Deuteronomy 24:1-4

After reading about your situation Skid, I understand why you are so adamant when it comes to defending a M that started as a affair. This one hits close to home, doesn't it?

Do you know what "comes before" marriage?

This cannot be allowed to pass. You are either out of your mind or in an affair marriage yourself.

I'm sorry to sound cynical but it sounds to me like this could lead to an affair with your ExH. You should not be contacting men you have had a previous relationship while you are married.

Perhaps. However, it could be something else. Maybe it is what I said. How about you address that. Deuteronomy 24:1-4 provides:

"If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, 3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord...."

So there it is. That is why. Now I understand all that has been said about atonement, etc. But given the scripture, is it allowed to return? I just don't see it that way, but please tell me why I am wrong.

MTL,

I'm going to suggest you send the apology and then never contact him again.

Frankly I wish my W would give me an apology it would make it easier for me to forgive and forget.

The most she has done, and this was just a few weeks ago, was to say that some of the "things she did" might have caused me to become jealous and distrustful.

God Bless
Gamma

Jesus corrected this problem ... he prefers you remain married to the wife of your youth, so it is okay to marry your first spouse. If you marry another, divorce, and then remarry your first spouse it would be pleasing to him because that is what God ultimately likes.

My WW plans to marry her POS AP. If I were to get an apology letter from her a few years from now, I imagine I would be glad to finally hear that she has remorse and is paying the price of guilt for her decisions. Actually, I know she is already even though she's deep in a fog and won't say it. But the acknowledgment would probably help a little. On the other hand, they're just words without actions meant to appease and help assuage guilt. An apology is not just compensation, that's for sure. Also, coming out of the blue after 2 years of no contact may just trigger memories of hell that have been mercifully buried by time.

This thread should be read by all waywards because it shows how one can never expunge the guilt of an evil, selfish deed that has long-lasting, devastating consequences to others.

I would not want an apology from WH, it is meaningless. I've moved on.