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OP
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thank you - I will do that!
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OP
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Hi Pokerface - just a follow-up question...
I don't want to divorce my husband. It's hard for me to explain what I mean here: i wonder if we wind up beating the odds, say, and make it past the usual-death-mark for this kind of marriage, would you still say "divorce him?" Let;s say, we make it to 15 years. Would you still say "divorce him?" We're coming up 5 years now, so it seems sort of silly to break that up just to make a point.
I know MB is not the place to defend the existence of marriages to affair partners. I am not trying to do that, here or anywhere. Also I don't mean to start a debate or anything. This is a bit of a tangent, I realise. But, it's a question I hadn't thought of, and while i disagree I would love to hear what you think. Truth be told, I don't tend to ask these questions to anyone...
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Doing the right thing is NEVER wrong ...
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Hi Pokerface - just a follow-up question...
I don't want to divorce my husband. It's hard for me to explain what I mean here: i wonder if we wind up beating the odds, say, and make it past the usual-death-mark for this kind of marriage, would you still say "divorce him?" Let;s say, we make it to 15 years. Would you still say "divorce him?" We're coming up 5 years now, so it seems sort of silly to break that up just to make a point. Your affairage came about with lies, deception, and huge pain to your XBH. This is its foundation. XBH may have seemed "philosophical" about the whole thing...but trust me when I say that it cut to the very core of his being. You have not said if there was another family who was also destroyed in this. I think that I personally would struggle with happiness built from hurtful choices. Maybe you are starting to feel this yourself and thus the need to apologize and legitimize your choice. But then only you can decide how you want to live your life.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Joined: May 2012
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OP
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Posts: 14 |
Hi - appreciate all your advice.
Pokerface: I never said anything about "legitimizing my choice." I know there's no excuse to have affairs, which what's been prompting me to make a formal apology. No need to put words in my mouth.
Maybe you didn't read my posts carefully: I said above there was no other family.
Also you are assuming thoughts I am not having: I'm not struggling in my marriage, but struggling with whether or not to write an apology letter.
I came here to ask because I was sure the people in this community would have a wise perspective to offer on this course of action, and I'm glad I did.
Thanks all, and before anyone gets hysterical, I'll say goodbye.
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Joined: Mar 2011
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Hi Pokerface - just a follow-up question...
I don't want to divorce my husband. It's hard for me to explain what I mean here: i wonder if we wind up beating the odds, say, and make it past the usual-death-mark for this kind of marriage, would you still say "divorce him?" Let;s say, we make it to 15 years. Would you still say "divorce him?" We're coming up 5 years now, so it seems sort of silly to break that up just to make a point. I was just answering the question that you directed at me. That was my honest reply. Peace.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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My input.....
just leave your Ex H alone.
The apology won't make him feel good. It will just remind him you exist and he doesn't need that....esp. since you are married to your present H.
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Do you think the apology you gave him for your affair after the divorce was believed by him since you were with your OM then married thus OM?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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What does your current H think of your plan?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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What does your current H think of your plan? Good question.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jun 2008
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My input.....
just leave your Ex H alone.
The apology won't make him feel good. It will just remind him you exist and he doesn't need that....esp. since you are married to your present H. Ditto
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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My input.....
just leave your Ex H alone.
The apology won't make him feel good. It will just remind him you exist and he doesn't need that....esp. since you are married to your present H. Ditto x3
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Agree with the rest. It would mean absolutely nothing to me if my POSex sent me this. He shoulda been this sorry when it mattered. Leave him alone and let sleeping dogs lie.
Me: BS age 35 POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there Married 14.5 years, together almost 16 DDay: 7-5-09 OC born: 7-23-09 no COM: tried 6 years  D filed 5/05/2011 D final 11/10/11 I was gaslighted for 2 years. "You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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a couple of years ago, just as the divorce was finalizing, we did have a face-to-face chat about "what went wrong," and I admitted my affair to him Later you say that you've been married to affairage for close to five years now. What is it, a couple or five?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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I actually never got an apology, neither did my 3 kids. We were married 20 years, and he married his affair partner,and is still married to her after 7 years. I would still like to get one, and I believe my kids would too.
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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Also I do not believe MLT should divorce her present husband. Why rip another marriage apart and cause all that pain?
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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I actually never got an apology, neither did my 3 kids. We were married 20 years, and he married his affair partner,and is still married to her after 7 years. I would still like to get one, and I believe my kids would too. Would it make a difference if you received this apology while he is still married to his OW? Or would it feel like a slap?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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we had a wonderful marriage to the end, and I was left dumbfounded....wondering what I had done, he just left the kids and I so unexpectantly that we hardly had a chance to react! I would at least like an explanation, with an apology if he could ever get to that part. We may never get this, but I think it would be nice for the kids
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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we had a wonderful marriage to the end, and I was left dumbfounded....wondering what I had done, he just left the kids and I so unexpectantly that we hardly had a chance to react! I would at least like an explanation, with an apology if he could ever get to that part. We may never get this, but I think it would be nice for the kids Thanks for your response. It's interesting how each BS is different in what they want. Sorry for your pain, my friend.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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If my first husband apologized for the pain he caused, I think it would actually help me, especially if he acknowledged his wrongdoing to the children. I also wish there was some sort of just compensation from him. This is even though it's been many years and he's married to his affair partner. Would I want them to get a divorce? Honestly, I wouldn't want that on anyone, but do I see it happening eventually? Yes.
But in this poster's case, she has no contact with her ex, no children...so I would leave well enough alone. It seems like for some reason she wants to make contact with him again...sounds like wayward behavior at its finest. What is the state of her current affairage, I wonder?
Me, BS: 35
WxH: 36 "HAM" Hearts a mess
6yo DS (with WxH), 9 and 12yo DDs from first marriage
Discovered DH's affair in June, 2011
"I'm not having an affair, you're crazy." major gaslighting
Served with divorce papers on 2/3/12
Divorce final 7/29/2013
Living day by day, counting my blessings, loving my children
Personal Recovery well underway!
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